Do I move on?

[EmpressandEmperor]

I think you deserve so much better

 

[ELFILY]

You can do this, stay strong

 

[Welsh1]

How about that for 12 years he’s Let you know that you’re not worth leaving his partner for. Being with you is less important that a mortgage, that he could take back out of, or The dog. What does he really stand to lose? You’re not worth more than that. That’s what he’s saying.
I’d go as far as to say he’s dangerously manipulative. What do you think he’s saying to his partner, what does she think she’s pursuing here? He’s a grade A arsehole. He’s fucking two women’s lives up under the guise of being the good guy.
12 years!!!! If you can’t let him go you need to accept that you are the other woman and he is using you. He has made a life with his partner. If she and you needed him at the same time, you would not be the priority as he’s proven. Why would you let yourself be treated that way and say he loves you?

I think I've allowed myself to be treated this way because until today, I've never thought about it in the same way as someone does on the outside so I've never thought I was being treated badly especially when I compare how he is to me with how my ex was. My ex didn't support me with anything, when I ended up in hospital 5 months after giving birth, the man this post is about was there for me, I could have died. The man I was with at the time didn't support me at all. When I passed my degree, my ex didn't even say well done, the other guy sent me flowers to my work. And its not about material things for me, just having the support of him is something I've never had in any relationship. When my ex was bringing me down, he was bringing me up. He gave me the courage to leave a dangerous, toxic relationship. He makes me feel good about myself. I just need to find that in someone else I suppose.

 

[Laur91]

I'm not even going to ask him that. As people have said, he never has any intention of leaving her. I'm hoping time is a healer as they say. I shouldn't but I miss him, I know that I've done the right thing though.

Its normal to miss him, he was a huge part of your life for such a long time regardless of how he treated you so don’t beat yourself up. Let yourself miss him for a while but then draw a line and get on with your day, do that each time until suddenly, one day hopefully in the not so far future you won’t feel that pang anymore

 

[Raininvain]

Theres no reason why you cant get a decent boyfriend, I've known loads of really big women with nice boyfriends and husbands. One of my friends is about a size 24 and she was beating men and women off with a stick, she's married now. I know loads through work etc as well. You deserve better than this man. If your in your 30s now don't be wasting another decade on him when you could be building a future with someone.

 

[Definitelyme]

I think if you block a number the caller then just gets a dead line as well? That may be totally wrong though!

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

Thank you for your advice. He never makes comments about his relationship unless I ask. He mentioned last week that they haven't slept together since March. His reasoning was that she has no sex drive, but that he doesn't feel any sort of emotion when they do sleep together because all he thinks about is me. From what I can gather, I'm very like him sexually and very open minded, she doesn't seem to be interested at all in that. But then I can't say he uses me for sex because we don't see each other often so I don't feel like im even filling that void. I've never even asked the question of whether he would leave her for me. I really don't want to be a homewrecker either. I feel terrible enough with being the other woman, I just haven't been able to cut him off as yet because I genuinely believe every thing he says to me, he makes so much effort with everything, he is always there when I need him, he worries about me as at times my mental health hasn't been great, he was there when my grandparents passed away and when I lost my best friend so I don't think I'm being naive that he's only involved with me for his own gain. Because he has done so much for me. Obviously, he's a cheat, he's disrespecting his partner and they are bad points but he's never given me any reason to think badly of him in any other way. It's just so hard. I really do appreciate everyone's advice, its nice to get more perspective on it as nobody knows about us at all.

I'm going to be harsh, but he is spinning the oldest line in the book. I would cut all ties, as difficult as it might be.

 

[Welsh1]

Well done you for staying strong. I imagine you’ll find yourself with a lot of time to fill on your own where before you’d have been texting him. If so, try to plan something to fill this time so you don’t find yourself picking up your phone.

Another thought occurred fo me... you said you were a larger lady but that with him it didn’t matter. Did you ever express a desire to slim and he said ‘but I love you just how you are’ or anything like that?
Often manipulative people will use ‘but you’re perfect how you are’ to discourage ‘improvement’ or change that may give you more confidence, self-worth and as a consequence get more attention from others. ‘You don’t need to speak to a specialist. You’ve got me’, ‘I’ll drive you. You don’t need to learn’ etc
You see it as ‘but look how much he loves me and how comfortable we are’, a positive, but it’s actually repressing positive change. I don’t know if you can identify with this but it might be a good time to make any changes you think will benefit you.

This is the thing, he always supported me in everything I've ever wanted to do. He knew my insecurities and always said 'you should only ever change for you and nobody else' and that if I was unhappy then he would support me however much he could in terms of weightloss. Also, I have suffered with my mental health over the last few years and whilst he was always there to talk to, he also encouraged me to speak to others such as women aid in regards to the abusive side of my past relationship and my GP so it was never about only him being there for me.

 

[Melmoo]

The only person I feel sorry for here is that poor poor woman who has been cheated on, lied to and manipulated - his innocent GF, how awful to knowingly Betray another woman for so long!! She really needs to know the truth about this man and who he really is before she may have children with him, I can imagine everyone here would want to know the truth about their partner.

Do you know what I dont think they ever do hardly want to know the truth though. Years ago when I was living in london before I met my husband I was seeing a guy for about a year he told me he was single and we where always together constantly paying for us in posh hotels etc a real charmer and we went on long weekends away etc.i found out he was married and had two very young children. A few months later after winning him off and after much soul searching messaged his wife via instagram. I just kept thinking oh my god I would want to know !! She didnt reply but duly took her instagram off private and started to post photos like they wjere loves young dream , very strange ! I politely told her what happened and said look if you need evidence you can have it if you dont you wont hear from me again ! I only find out as I was contacted by his 'girlfriend' that thought I was his wife !! What a very busy boy !!

 

[BettyCrocker]

I was replying to a question someone asked. I was explaining that when I kissed his friend, he was actually single and had no ties to anyone hence we didn't speak for a while because he was upset. I am listening, I am very grateful for every piece of advice I've been given.

i see you’ve just edited this comment to remove the section about waking up today and blocking him.....?

 

[Wellthisisinteresting]

The only person I feel sorry for here is that poor poor woman who has been cheated on, lied to and manipulated - his innocent GF, how awful to knowingly Betray another woman for so long!! She really needs to know the truth about this man and who he really is before she may have children with him, I can imagine everyone here would want to know the truth about their partner.

 

[Flossy2019]

I know it will get easier, just wish it would be easier now. Thank you so much, have a lovely Christmas too x

One day it will just get better. I know it sounds cliche but it will

 

[Lulu Goss]

Well done OP, think of blocking him as a fresh start. You will meet someone else and you will be so glad that you didn’t stick around for his bullshit any longer x

 

[Flossy2019]

Thank you. I feel heart broken but I know this is for the best. I'm going to miss him so much, I can't even lie about that but I know deep down that this entire situation is wrong & even in his reply, he makes it all about him. I wouldn't have had the courage to do this had it not been for the amount of replies I've had and even though some were hard to hear, I'm glad people didn't sugar-coat anything, I needed to hear it all

Hope you are ok. I’m shocked he’s turned up. How far away does he live?? Keep strong you will get through it

 

[Caramel Latte]

You did the right thing
You knew that you needed to move on and you did

 

[legsbumsandtums]

I know I'm the minority here but I am wondering if this is actually the case? Or because you've noticed everyone on here isn't agreeing with you and telling you what you wanted to hear, that you've made out that you've just ended it just like that.
And even though he has a job, partner, house and lives 20 minutes away, that he noticed you blocked him quickly and then came straight to your door?
Sorry OP and good for you if it is the case. I just feel it seems a bit false.

I feel a bit like this about girls mouth. Some of the stuff I read I'm like.. seriously? The Internet is a weird place with some dangerous people. Believe nothing & don't contribute to any gofundmes

 

[littlepup]

This is a tricky one. In a relationship (and a friendship come to think of it) it’s difficult to get that right. If you spouse expresses a dislike of their weight and a wanting to change... is it right to say ‘I love you just as you are’ or is it better so say ‘yes that would be a real positive change for you’. Either way could be interpreted as saying the wrong thing in that instance. (Not justifying OP’s bloke - he seems like a dick) but generally it’s hard to know the best way of showing support to those you love.

You can't just say that somebody tried to make you feel better so they must be manipulating you. If that's the case then I'm a happily a manipulator.

No of course I absolutely agree and don’t want to imply everyone positive has ulterior motives. I’d be one of them if so. I was oversimplifying to keep it brief. Every situation should be taken individually. But in examples like ‘You don’t need to drive’ and ‘you don’t need a therapist because you can talk to me’ arguably things that if a person expressed an interest in, there’s no good reason not to pursue.
It’s taking everything all together. People aren’t all keeping you down but it’s worth looking at if the other cues suggest it.
Ideally it’d be ‘you really look great the way you are but if it’ll make you feel better, go for it, I’ll support you however I can’

 

[Platypusfattypus]

With respect it really wasnt a self esteem issue. I was young, didn't want any commitment and was happy to have sex with them. I wasn't expecting anything from them and didn't see being the other woman as a demeaning thing. You may well have done but then you'd have made a different choice then me. I know where I was self esteem wise at that time

I wouldn't do it now, but then I'm in a different time in my life. Oddly enough my self esteem is the lowest its been in my life in some areas such as my looks.

 

[CarrieW24]

This is a tricky one. In a relationship (and a friendship come to think of it) it’s difficult to get that right. If you spouse expresses a dislike of their weight and a wanting to change... is it right to say ‘I love you just as you are’ or is it better so say ‘yes that would be a real positive change for you’. Either way could be interpreted as saying the wrong thing in that instance. (Not justifying OP’s bloke - he seems like a dick) but generally it’s hard to know the best way of showing support to those you love.

I agree, it's tricky. Some people are just well intentioned. I don't think this guy is well intentioned at all, based on all the factors put together, but in a different context somebody could mean well and say those things.

Earlier in this thread, somebody posted a link to an article that said: '7 signs you're being manipulated' or something like that. Well, I have 4 of the 7 seven signs. The last 4 that they mentioned. I compliment people, I try to make people feel better about themselves, etc. That's my core character, I'm a supporter. I'm only blunt if I feel like the situation calls for it.

I think non-verbal cues are just as significant as the obvious verbal ones to form an overall picture (gut feeling, little subtleties, how you feel in that person's presence, how they relate to your family and friends, has your life/ well being improved or regressed since having that person in your life, etc). You can't just say that somebody tried to make you feel better so they must be manipulating you. If that's the case then I'm a happily a manipulator.

 

[Welsh1]

Having been in a similar situation myself with the constant comments on how their relationship is more like friends and they just stay together for whatever reasons.
And fed constant things like you've been fed but it was all rubbish. He never intended to leave, he never wanted me. He had me exactly where he wanted and I stayed there.
And that sounds exactly what this guy is doing to you.
He has you exactly where he wants you. He gets the best of both worlds and you stay there

Thank you for your advice. He never makes comments about his relationship unless I ask. He mentioned last week that they haven't slept together since March. His reasoning was that she has no sex drive, but that he doesn't feel any sort of emotion when they do sleep together because all he thinks about is me. From what I can gather, I'm very like him sexually and very open minded, she doesn't seem to be interested at all in that. But then I can't say he uses me for sex because we don't see each other often so I don't feel like im even filling that void. I've never even asked the question of whether he would leave her for me. I really don't want to be a homewrecker either. I feel terrible enough with being the other woman, I just haven't been able to cut him off as yet because I genuinely believe every thing he says to me, he makes so much effort with everything, he is always there when I need him, he worries about me as at times my mental health hasn't been great, he was there when my grandparents passed away and when I lost my best friend so I don't think I'm being naive that he's only involved with me for his own gain. Because he has done so much for me. Obviously, he's a cheat, he's disrespecting his partner and they are bad points but he's never given me any reason to think badly of him in any other way. It's just so hard. I really do appreciate everyone's advice, its nice to get more perspective on it as nobody knows about us at all.