Do I move on?

[Yayitsavaliable]

This. I really really cannot stand that women do this tit to each other. Knowingly being involved is bleeping low. Just because you have a low self esteem, or youre bruised from past relationships - it doesnt justify or excuse doing tit like this. Be a grown up, and have morals. Definitely have more respect for yourself. No one should be sloppy seconds or a secret side piece.

I got cheated on and it nearly destroyed me, we were in what I thought was a happy healthy relationship. We were building our life together and one day it came tumbling down, he had cheated for over a year and told the woman we were miserable and he was only staying because of my health etc, he said we were in a sexless relationship which was rubbish as we were at it like rabbits (haha) . It was soul destroying especially knowing that the woman knew he had a partner.
a crappy man will say anything to get his leg over!

 

[WhatABore]

This. I really really cannot stand that women do this tit to each other. Knowingly being involved is bleeping low. Just because you have a low self esteem, or youre bruised from past relationships - it doesnt justify or excuse doing tit like this. Be a grown up, and have morals. Definitely have more respect for yourself. No one should be sloppy seconds or a secret side piece.

Just want to add to this comment.
Just think about how you feel now after your toxic relationship and how you probably hate the guy that made you feel this way.
Now imagine being this guys partner. Imagine how when she finds out all this has been happening, how much that will affect her for the rest of her life and not being to trust people in the future. Much like you're struggling to do.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I got cheated on and it nearly destroyed me, we were in what I thought was a happy healthy relationship. We were building our life together and one day it came tumbling down, he had cheated for over a year and told the woman we were miserable and he was only staying because of my health etc, he said we were in a sexless relationship which was rubbish as we were at it like rabbits (haha) . It was soul destroying especially knowing that the woman knew he had a partner.
a crappy man will say anything to get his leg over!

Yep, same. I had met the woman as well. It broke my heart. A year of graphic sexting and plans. It destroyed me. I hate the woman. Shes bleeping scummy. Typical case of attention seeking, low self esteem, unhappy in her own life so she wanted to spread the misery. Absolute bleep. My partner obviously was to blame, but she knowingly got involved. rum.

 

[Overitnow2020]

I agree with a lot of what's been said on here and there is lots of good advice but in your initial post you brush over the fact that you know what you are doing is wrong......you are both in the wrong here. Without doubt this guy is thoroughly manipulative and completely leading you down the garden path but you are complicit in this too, why not also consider walking away because you don't want to be part of messing up another person's life who has done nothing wrong?? Just another perspective and I can see that he is homing in on someone who he can manipulate.

I'm not intentionally being harsh but being brutally honest a mortgage and a dog aren't difficult to sort out if he really wanted to its not like he's married and got children to consider. He hasn't left because he doesn't want to. Take back the power and tell him duck off

 

[LittleMy]

Being cheated on years ago gave me serious trust issues with men and had a hand in the mental health issues that I suffer with to this day. I also can’t understand why another woman would be willing to put someone else through this for their own selfishness, because that’s what it is. Yes, it’s the man’s fault because he’s in a relationship and has committed to someone else, but you’re just as bad because you know about it and allow it to carry on. She’s the one in the dark.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Just want to add to this comment.
Just think about how you feel now after your toxic relationship and how you probably hate the guy that made you feel this way.
Now imagine being this guys partner. Imagine how when she finds out all this has been happening, how much that will affect her for the rest of her life and not being to trust people in the future. Much like you're struggling to do.

Agree with this. I’ve never been physically cheated on, however my ex who I was with for four years repeatedly messaged other women with sexual messages, asked them to meet up, asked them for dirty photos, told them he loved them and wanted to leave me for them...I was this guy from being 14-18 and he was pretty much my first everything. This happened several times throughout the relationship and every time I thought we were happy and back on track, it happened again. The messages were just as hurtful as physical cheating would have been (to me anyway). He’s now distorted how I feel about all relationships because I have serious issues around having a partner that messages women (even as a friend) and I have awful dreams that my current partner is texting people behind my back.

I do think though the girlfriend needs to know, she can’t continue to be with this rum bag either, he deserves to be dropped like the bag of tit that he is.

 

[petitspois]

Yep, same. I had met the woman as well. It broke my heart. A year of graphic sexting and plans. It destroyed me. I hate the woman. Shes bleeping scummy. Typical case of attention seeking, low self esteem, unhappy in her own life so she wanted to spread the misery. Absolute bleep. My partner obviously was to blame, but she knowingly got involved. rum.

Me too and I used to work with her. Don't underestimate the damage you are doing to his girlfriend. You're his puppet.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

I've been thinking about this all morning and it really saddens me that women who knowingly cheat with someone who has a partner don't just say "actually no, I value myself too much to be your bit on the side. I respect myself even though you don't". He gets to sleep in a bed with his partner and has his safe life with the mortgage and dog while still getting his ego boost and validation from you and undoubtedly others.

 

[petitspois]

I've been thinking about this all morning and it really saddens me that women who knowingly cheat with someone who has a partner don't just say "actually no, I value myself too much to be your bit on the side. I respect myself even though you don't". He gets to sleep in a bed with his partner and has his safe life with the mortgage and dog while still getting his ego boost and validation from you and undoubtedly others.

Me too. I think it comes down to envy - the 'other woman' wants what the wife or gf has, the relationship, the home etc......

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Anyway even in the unlikely event of him leaving her for you (not gonna happen) the relationship is sullied and doomed to fail. In most cases like these the men realise their mistake and bitterly regret leaving their girlfriends once the thrill of the affair has worn off.

 

[LittleMy]

There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, but not with someone who is exclusive with someone else and because you are insecure and hung up on him after all these years. You have a child, why not focus on them?

 

[PennyLane321]

Everything that has been said is completely spot on. He’s a narcissist and he’s manipulating you. I think that deep down you know this though and it might suit you because you feel like you’re loved and supported living out this little fantasy. Like some sort of escape from real life. After everything you’ve been through with your ex I understand that it might be scary to put yourself out there and start dating properly but this guy is not the answer to your problems. This isn’t some tragic love story - he’s betraying his partner in the worst way and you’re complicit. It’s seedy. You and his girlfriend deserve better

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Cheating is also so damaging as the person being cheated on thinks it's down to them or that they're to blame in some way. It's never anything to do with the person being cheated on, and everything to do with the cheater. Think about it OP- of course he's going to feed you lines about the sexless relationship and his supposed emotional turmoil as he's hardly going to say "actually, this is just sex and an ego boost and you mean nothing to me". He got the mortgage and the dog after you met so he can't even use that as his reason. I know men that are still single after not getting over break ups, not because they've no opportunities, but because they're still in love with ex girlfriends and can't bear getting into a new relationship. They certainly aren't getting mortgages and dogs with other women, this would have been the case with this guy too if he was so in love with you.

Sorry if I'm speaking bluntly but it has to be said

 

[Death2unicorns]

OP, I was once in a very similar position to you, except the guy wasn’t in a relationship when we were ‘on’, I got strung along for years by someone very charming, very good looking, exactly my type, showered me with attention, messages, telling me he had never met anyone like me before etc etc, except there was always a reason for why we couldn’t be more then fwb, work stress, his parents marital problems ( lol), and a variety of other ridiculous excuses, he would actually get in other relationships and stop meeting with me for a while, then that relationship would end and right on cue my phone would beep with a message from him in the middle of the night, saying how much he missed me blah blah blah, and like an idiot I would jump right back into the whole thing, lapping up the tidbits of attention he was throwing me, making excuses in my own head for his behaviour, thankfully one of my friends literally staged an intervention with me and persuaded me to cut it off, I knew I had to do it anyway, it got to the stage where I was miserable and crying over his adoration one minute and then rejection and getting with others girls the next, I bitterly reject all of that time and dignity I can never get back now, I wish I had been in control right from the beginning and told him to jog on, as a previous poster has said, you need to take back control, right now he has all the control and is calling all the shots, having his cake and eating it, tell him the whole thing is over and not to contact you again, it may hurt at first but you will actually be emancipating yourself in the long run x

 

[WilmaHun]

I'm so sorry that you probably haven't got the response you were hoping for but I do think everybody on this thread is correct. If he loved you that much, he would be with you. There's obviously a reason he's not left his girlfriend (whether he says it's the mortgage and dog is irrelevant - if he wanted you that much he would be with you).

To love somebody so much and that feeling not be reciprocated in the same way is heartbreaking, I know, but it will subside. You will find somebody who is able to recognise your worth and want you, and only you. He's got you exactly where he wants you, he knows at the drop of a hat you will be there. It's easy to send somebody a text saying you love them, will do anything for them etc, but to actually show those feelings through your actions is another thing. Actions speak louder than words, and in this case, I think his words are nothing more than just words.

I really hope you're able to move on and find somebody who treats you and loves you exactly as you deserve. 12 years to leave you hanging is awful. Don't waste any more of your precious time.

 

[Welsh1]

I am also slightly curious, you said you did something not good and he got into a relationship.
Obviously don't answer if you don't have to but I'm curious whether this thing you did was more him blaming you and making you feel guilty?

I don't mind explaining. I actually got extremely drunk and ended up kissing his friend. He claimed to be hurt at the time and needed some space so we didn't speak for a while afterwards and then he got over it.

 

[Yayitsavaliable]

I don't mind explaining. I actually got extremely drunk and ended up kissing his friend. He claimed to be hurt at the time and needed some space so we didn't speak for a while afterwards and then he got over it.

Are you serious !? You kissed his friend and he got mad !? The guy that is cheating on his partners with you !? Please please respect yourself and leave his sorry pathetic a !

 

[Raininvain]

Everyone seems to be in total agreement that Yes you should move on. Usually there is a range of opinion on here but no one is for continuing with him.
I hope you find the strength to just get rid of him, personally I wouldn't waste a text on him, I'd just block him off everything. He wont turn up at your home as he will know the score. Going forward, if a man just wants to be texting/emailing/phoning all the time and never meeting in person or doing anything then they are not worth your time and energy.

 

[littlepup]

In his text he said he knows why ‘you’re like this’ and you can talk to him. Has he ever suggested you speak to someone else, a professional. Has he ever suggested that you do something for yourself to improve your self esteem and mental health? maybe said ‘never mind the flowers, here’s the £40 for a beauty salon to cheer yourself up’ when you’ve felt particularly down. Because if he truly loved you this is what he would have done. Not said your can talk to me’, ‘I’m here for you, no one knows you like I don’t which makes you reliant and reinforces your reliance on him.
I’d wager He’s scared of you ‘improving’ yourself in case you see him for what he is or someone else sees your value and he loses his power over you.

 

[Platypusfattypus]

I've been the other woman three times. Once unknowingly and twice I knew - (no self esteem issues, I fancied the guy and wanted sex with him). If a guy is going to leave his partner he will pretty quickly. If he is finding reasons he's not going to leave no matter what he tells you. It is always going to be his partners fault, she has no sex drive, she has no time for him etc. If you are happy to be his part time partner then that's your choice but he's not going to give you much.