Do I move on?

[Raininvain]

Everyone seems to be in total agreement that Yes you should move on. Usually there is a range of opinion on here but no one is for continuing with him.
I hope you find the strength to just get rid of him, personally I wouldn't waste a text on him, I'd just block him off everything. He wont turn up at your home as he will know the score. Going forward, if a man just wants to be texting/emailing/phoning all the time and never meeting in person or doing anything then they are not worth your time and energy.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

No one in their right mind is going to tell you what you want to hear.

End it, and work on yourself.
Give an ultimatum and end up hurt either way as nothing will change.
Stay as you are, putting your life on hold with a pretend pen-pal relationship whilst knowingly assisting in hurting another woman.

 

[littlepup]

If he is the narcissist he seems please be prepared for the ‘why are you doing this to me?, I can’t live without you’ - then might come the getting really nasty ‘you can’t live without me, no one else will support you like I do’. He may well make a lot of promises and then threats. I expect both would be empty.

 

[Flossy2019]

Just wondering how things are now. Has he left you alone

 

[PennyLane321]

Fully agree that op shouldn’t tell his gf, as much as she deserves so much better than that rat. It would be a way to continue to be involved in his life when what she needs is a total clean break

 

[Flossy2019]

Agree with what others have said. If he hasn’t chosen you in twelve years I’m afraid I don’t think he ever wil. Please don’t fall for his words his lies. Don’t listen go him when he says he was thinking of you whilst sleeping with his girlfriend. Do you really want someone who would cheat anyway. You’re better than this and worth so much more. Block him don’t even give him and explanation he doesn’t deserve it

 

[Flossy2019]

I deleted it because I hadn't finished the message and it posted without the last bit. I woke up today and I've blocked him. He then tried to call me off a different number and I blocked that to. I've not given him any explanation. I've just ended it. I think I've always known how bad this situation is and I feel like a terrible person honestly for what I've allowed him to do to his girlfriend and for ever being a part of it. I'm just going to focus on myself now, healing from my past relationship and being a better person morally. Thank you all so much for your advice.

Well done on blocking him. It is a big step!! Hope you are feeling ok. It is definitely for the best and I hope he doesn’t worm his way back in or turn up at your door .. but I don’t think he will. You are better off without a man like that. 12 years is such a long time. I hope you find happiness with someone. There are good guys out there

 

[Definitelyme]

I deleted it because I hadn't finished the message and it posted without the last bit. I woke up today and I've blocked him. He then tried to call me off a different number and I blocked that to. I've not given him any explanation. I've just ended it. I think I've always known how bad this situation is and I feel like a terrible person honestly for what I've allowed him to do to his girlfriend and for ever being a part of it. I'm just going to focus on myself now, healing from my past relationship and being a better person morally. Thank you all so much for your advice.

Good for you. This can’t be an easy move, and I’m sure some of the things people have said on here make for very uncomfortable reading for you. But you know in your heart you want to move on or you wouldn’t have brought it up. Have you anyone (a friend) who knows the situation who can be a rock for you right now?

 

[PennyLane321]

Everything that has been said is completely spot on. He’s a narcissist and he’s manipulating you. I think that deep down you know this though and it might suit you because you feel like you’re loved and supported living out this little fantasy. Like some sort of escape from real life. After everything you’ve been through with your ex I understand that it might be scary to put yourself out there and start dating properly but this guy is not the answer to your problems. This isn’t some tragic love story - he’s betraying his partner in the worst way and you’re complicit. It’s seedy. You and his girlfriend deserve better

 

[Welsh1]

Hope you are ok. I’m shocked he’s turned up. How far away does he live?? Keep strong you will get through it

He lives about 20 minutes away in the car. I've tried to end things before but have never blocked him so I've always been sucked back in but this time will definitely be different. I'm hurting because even though he wasn't a relationship, I've spent 12 years of my life with him in it. But I will stay strong & if I do start to waiver at any point, I'll be reading everyone's comments again. I'm home now and he's left. He did put a note through my door though. X

The only person I feel sorry for here is that poor poor woman who has been cheated on, lied to and manipulated - his innocent GF, how awful to knowingly Betray another woman for so long!! She really needs to know the truth about this man and who he really is before she may have children with him, I can imagine everyone here would want to know the truth about their partner.

She's the only person to feel sorry for because I definitely don't deserve it, I am under no illusion that what I've done is wrong. I should have ended things a long time ago, when he met her.

Ah yes. For some reason I was thinking they didn't speak much. But just realised it was that she didn't see him so much now.

We spoke every day. We didn't see each other that often because I work extremely long hours and also have the responsibility of my child.

 

[Definitelyme]

I know I'm the minority here but I am wondering if this is actually the case? Or because you've noticed everyone on here isn't agreeing with you and telling you what you wanted to hear, that you've made out that you've just ended it just like that.
And even though he has a job, partner, house and lives 20 minutes away, that he noticed you blocked him quickly and then came straight to your door?
Sorry OP and good for you if it is the case. I just feel it seems a bit false.

Why would anyone bother though? If they didn’t like the advice they could just not reply at all any more. Would be one hell of a weirdo to lie about it (and surely you never find weirdos on the internet )

 

[WhatABore]

Thank you for your advice. He never makes comments about his relationship unless I ask. He mentioned last week that they haven't slept together since March. His reasoning was that she has no sex drive, but that he doesn't feel any sort of emotion when they do sleep together because all he thinks about is me. From what I can gather, I'm very like him sexually and very open minded, she doesn't seem to be interested at all in that. But then I can't say he uses me for sex because we don't see each other often so I don't feel like im even filling that void. I've never even asked the question of whether he would leave her for me. I really don't want to be a homewrecker either. I feel terrible enough with being the other woman, I just haven't been able to cut him off as yet because I genuinely believe every thing he says to me, he makes so much effort with everything, he is always there when I need him, he worries about me as at times my mental health hasn't been great, he was there when my grandparents passed away and when I lost my best friend so I don't think I'm being naive that he's only involved with me for his own gain. Because he has done so much for me. Obviously, he's a cheat, he's disrespecting his partner and they are bad points but he's never given me any reason to think badly of him in any other way. It's just so hard. I really do appreciate everyone's advice, its nice to get more perspective on it as nobody knows about us at all.

That's exactly what this guy said.
That they never sleep together.
Sorry to disappoint you but if he really was that into you, he'd have been with you a long time ago and certainly end his relationship now regardless of house or dog

 

[Laur91]

No one happy and well rounded purposely gets involved with attached people. Self esteem, arrogance, attention etc. Its a scummy move.

I was just going to post this, if you’ve been with someone who is attached then there’s issues deep down regardless, even though you might want to think you were just young and carefree and didn’t want commitment there was a reason why you went for a guy with a wife/girlfriend and not a single chap with no strings. That’s just psychology unfortunately. We rarely do things like that for no reason at all.

 

[Raininvain]

When you return home OP if he's around, just say you don't want to talk and go in your home. If he keeps ringing the bell, tell him to go away or else you will call the Police and get him done for harassment/stalking. He'll be scared you'll go to his girlfriend thats what it is. He doesnt give a shit about you. You have totally dont the right thing, I feel so cross that hes manipulated you like this what a cunt.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Just want to add to this comment.
Just think about how you feel now after your toxic relationship and how you probably hate the guy that made you feel this way.
Now imagine being this guys partner. Imagine how when she finds out all this has been happening, how much that will affect her for the rest of her life and not being to trust people in the future. Much like you're struggling to do.

Agree with this. I’ve never been physically cheated on, however my ex who I was with for four years repeatedly messaged other women with sexual messages, asked them to meet up, asked them for dirty photos, told them he loved them and wanted to leave me for them...I was this guy from being 14-18 and he was pretty much my first everything. This happened several times throughout the relationship and every time I thought we were happy and back on track, it happened again. The messages were just as hurtful as physical cheating would have been (to me anyway). He’s now distorted how I feel about all relationships because I have serious issues around having a partner that messages women (even as a friend) and I have awful dreams that my current partner is texting people behind my back.

I do think though the girlfriend needs to know, she can’t continue to be with this scum bag either, he deserves to be dropped like the bag of shit that he is.

 

[Juju]

The next few weeks and months will be hard. You’ll have moments when you feel like cracking and contact him. Please don’t though.
I wasted 5 years on a similar situation, but I got my own happy ending, I did meet a nice guy and I look back now and cringe at how I allowed myself to be emotionally played with.
Spend time on yourself, your child and focus on the future you both deserve.
I promise you’ll look back in time and realise how far you’ve come and how much happier you are.

 

[Platypusfattypus]

I second the changing your number idea. And then not putting his number anywhere to remove any temptation to call him. Find someone else who treats you how you want to be treated

 

[SqualorVictoria]

OP, not going to shit on you for hurting his gf, I think you realize that what you did was terrible. In your shoes I'd have told his gf because she deserves better too. Happy you blocked his ass, this was clearly a case of having his cake and eating it too, someone who really cares especially after that long would move his ass to be with you. I hope you find self-love and look for that special someone who won't treat you like an option.

I'd be against telling her as it's more about getting back at him rather than concern for her welfare- not to be harsh and not having a go but it's a bit late in the day after 12 years to pretend to be doing it for her benefit. IMO the OP should leave them alone and focus on herself.

As women we're so manipulated by slimey men like this, exchanging with my partner on male behaviour has been an eye opener. LADIES do not make excuses for them, if they want you for more then sex they will make it work, otherwise the though process is literally HOW CAN I GET LAID. they're not emotional like us

This is so true and I've done it myself many times, I've projected my feelings onto the guy. The OP believed he was going through some mental anguish because she was whereas in reality he was doing nothing of the sort.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Surely his girlfriend is going to notice something is wrong? He’s disappearing a few times a day, appearing moody and stroppy because he’s lost his control over you. Surely she’s about to get suspicious?
I tell you what I’m really surprised she hasn’t found out before, all it would take is for him to go to the bathroom or another room and leave his phone and then a message from OP pops up...

 

[petitspois]

He hasn’t been there for you at all. Texts take seconds to type. You deserve so much better but you don’t need a guy.