Do I move on?

[Kandy floss]

I was in a sort of similar position when I was younger but not for as long.

I’d been sleeping with someone casually and we got on well. He wanted more but I didn’t at the time and I got with someone else a few months later.

My then boyfriend became very abusive over the 2 and a half years we were together emotionally and physically, and the other boy was there messaging me throughout while he had a girlfriend. Telling me if it wasn’t for her he’d be with me, being there for me and saying he’d never felt the way he did about me about anyone else.

We ended up sleeping together once. My ex found out and beat me. The other guy was nowhere to be seen because he’d been using me the entire time.

I left my abusive ex and the other guy tried using me occasionally but I told him where to go.

I’ve now been with someone else for 3 and a half years who is amazing and understanding of everything about me.

End it and find someone better.

ETA: just saw your posts saying you blocked him. Well done!! It might be hard but you’ll look back and realise it was worth it and that you deserved better.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I don't mind explaining. I actually got extremely drunk and ended up kissing his friend. He claimed to be hurt at the time and needed some space so we didn't speak for a while afterwards and then he got over it.

He has used this as a way to manipulate you. You weren’t official at the time and if he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have let this get in the way. I’m really sorry that he’s dragged you along.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Yeah the more I think about it the more I realise he will be absolutely sweating buckets right now as he doesn't know what your next move will be. Good enough for the shit. Let him sweat, might make him think twice in future about hurting his GF and other people. Not that I'm blaming women for the actions of shitty men but collectively if we push back on this kind of nonsense it's so empowering

 

[37BBL]

Oh hun I feel for you, but he is clearly messing with your head and knows exactly what he is doing. I've been in a situation before when I was younger, I was the other girl and was completely infatuated with a guy. He had no intention of ending things with his partner and had no reason to, as I was always there when he messaged or called. Not proud of it at all and it only lasted a few months, but the point is he could see how involved I was becoming and he played on it big time.
This is what your guy is doing. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you then he would, pure and simple. He would take the risk. The fact that he hasn't in 12 years speaks volumes. I mean how do you know he isn't having a big old laugh everytime you message him, and thinking how he has you on a string.
It doesn't have to be about sex. Its the fact that he has control over you and he knows if he says jump you will say how high.
You deserve better. Move on, if its meant to be then it will be but 12 years on it surely isnt going to happen xxx

 

[AfterLife]

Move on, you deserve better than this.

 

[BettyCrocker]

That's the next step. I worry then though that he'll turn up at my home a lot. Not that I'm scared of him or anything, but I just don't want to see him.

if he turns up at your home,uninvited, contact the police. You don’t have to put up with being harassed by him. You’ve told him to leave you alone and that should be enough, if he carries on you have to get a third party involved. He’s starting to sound a bit unhinged.

 

[Death2unicorns]

It’s sounds like it’s a bit of an ego trip and attention thing for him, aswell as keeping you on hand for sex when the opportunity arises and also keeping you there as a second option incase things go tits up with his partner (who is his first choice by the way), I’m not even sure I would give him the ultimatum now as you might actually end up with this manipulative liar, I’d just cut it off completely, don’t give him anymore of your time now you deserve better

 

[SnooperTrooper]

I know I'm the minority here but I am wondering if this is actually the case? Or because you've noticed everyone on here isn't agreeing with you and telling you what you wanted to hear, that you've made out that you've just ended it just like that.
And even though he has a job, partner, house and lives 20 minutes away, that he noticed you blocked him quickly and then came straight to your door?
Sorry OP and good for you if it is the case. I just feel it seems a bit false.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

No one happy and well rounded purposely gets involved with attached people. Self esteem, arrogance, attention etc. Its a scummy move.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

What a stalking creep! I'd suggest unblocking him to send him a message telling him it's over and to stay the hell away from your house or you'll be calling the police. And then tell him you're going to block him again

He hasn’t made it round in 8 weeks but you block him for half a day and he’s on your doorstep?! I’d message to say you’re done And don’t want to see him in case he’s concerned for your well-being/safety.

He's bricking it, it's nothing to do with concern

 

[Ohflogoff]

I agree with everyone. Unfortunately he is taking you for a ride and if he really wanted to be with you, he would have been with you a long time ago. Move on. Let him go.

 

[littlepup]

I think I've allowed myself to be treated this way because until today, I've never thought about it in the same way as someone does on the outside so I've never thought I was being treated badly especially when I compare how he is to me with how my ex was. My ex didn't support me with anything, when I ended up in hospital 5 months after giving birth, the man this post is about was there for me, I could have died. The man I was with at the time didn't support me at all. When I passed my degree, my ex didn't even say well done, the other guy sent me flowers to my work. And its not about material things for me, just having the support of him is something I've never had in any relationship. When my ex was bringing me down, he was bringing me up. He gave me the courage to leave a dangerous, toxic relationship. He makes me feel good about myself. I just need to find that in someone else I suppose.

I’m sorry but as said before this is text book behaviour. He has made you emotionally reliant on him in a calculated way. Because In doing all of this he still hasn’t given you anything of himself. It’s lip service.

Please read this https://www.bustle.com/p/7-seemingly-charming-habits-that-are-actually-manipulative-8251149

 

[littlepup]

In his text he said he knows why ‘you’re like this’ and you can talk to him. Has he ever suggested you speak to someone else, a professional. Has he ever suggested that you do something for yourself to improve your self esteem and mental health? maybe said ‘never mind the flowers, here’s the £40 for a beauty salon to cheer yourself up’ when you’ve felt particularly down. Because if he truly loved you this is what he would have done. Not said your can talk to me’, ‘I’m here for you, no one knows you like I don’t which makes you reliant and reinforces your reliance on him.
I’d wager He’s scared of you ‘improving’ yourself in case you see him for what he is or someone else sees your value and he loses his power over you.

 

[petitspois]

Yep, same. I had met the woman as well. It broke my heart. A year of graphic sexting and plans. It destroyed me. I hate the woman. Shes fucking scummy. Typical case of attention seeking, low self esteem, unhappy in her own life so she wanted to spread the misery. Absolute cunt. My partner obviously was to blame, but she knowingly got involved. Scum.

Me too and I used to work with her. Don't underestimate the damage you are doing to his girlfriend. You're his puppet.

 

[AnnaJ]

I know the op has stated that they've stopped contact with the bloke and I am proud of them for that as I know how painful it is to move on from someone you love, especially if they've been in each other's lives for 12 years, I can't help but only have sympathy for the girlfriend in this.

Imagine how it would feel to find out that your partner of however long had been seeing a woman behind your back all of the duration of your relationship, you'd feel broken. I've never to my actual knowledge been cheated on, but have friends who have been and it made them very insecure (in some cases more than already) and broke them. Op has mentioned in another thread that she has a son with another man who she only left a few months back but was with this man for over 8 years, so not only has she cheated with a taken man but she cheated the whole time almost she was in a relationship with her son's dad. There definitely is issues going on inside of the OP that they need to face and sort out, but hurting others in the process doesn't make it okay just because you are insecure and unhappy. I'm genuinely not trying to be a bitch to the op, but please op realise your actions hurt others.

 

[Yayitsavaliable]

I have to agree with this comment. I really don't think I am ready. My head tells me its the right thing to do but my heart says, if he was using me why would he invest so much time in me. I never ever message him first, even though I know he's alone in the evenings, he's always done the chasing the whole 12 years, why would he support me and help me in so many ways if he just wanted sex which he rarely gets from me anyway. Other than the fact he's in a relationship, he has never ever done anything or said anything to hurt me, he is a constant positive in my life but I know I can't live this way forever. X

You have a child right !? Fast forward several years and your child is in this position what would you be telling them!? Would you want them being a side piece !? No, you would tell them if they wanted you they would leave. Actions speak louder than words and he’s made his choice.
He knows you will always be there he knows you are insecure etc and he plays on that. Also think of girl code, imagine if you were the girlfriend with what she thinks is a happy life, and you find out he’s had a side piece for 12 years you would be crushed.
Honestly you know what you need to do but you don’t have the courage to do it. My heart breaks for his girlfriend.

 

[Maid22]

he’s in a relationship with another woman.

rhey bought a house together.

they have a dog together.

he has CHOSEN TO BUILD A LIFE WITH THIS WOMAN. HE HASNT CHOSEN YOU. IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU, HE WOULD BE WITH YOU.

what are you expecting to happen here? It’s been 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've just read this thread, you are so right, but I don't think she's ready to leave him, blimey I wish she would, 12 years, you come in this life once, it'll be upsetting, but you are worth so much better than the way he's been treating you.

 

[littlepup]

Thank you. I'm struggling this morning, I miss him already. I just keep coming back here to read hoping that it will sink in properly soon.

Well done you for staying strong. I imagine you’ll find yourself with a lot of time to fill on your own where before you’d have been texting him. If so, try to plan something to fill this time so you don’t find yourself picking up your phone.

Another thought occurred fo me... you said you were a larger lady but that with him it didn’t matter. Did you ever express a desire to slim and he said ‘but I love you just how you are’ or anything like that?
Often manipulative people will use ‘but you’re perfect how you are’ to discourage ‘improvement’ or change that may give you more confidence, self-worth and as a consequence get more attention from others. ‘You don’t need to speak to a specialist. You’ve got me’, ‘I’ll drive you. You don’t need to learn’ etc
You see it as ‘but look how much he loves me and how comfortable we are’, a positive, but it’s actually repressing positive change. I don’t know if you can identify with this but it might be a good time to make any changes you think will benefit you.

 

[Smiles265]

The thought of this guy actually being in a relationship with another woman whilst he sends you these types of messages is enough to make me feel physically sick. That’s without it being going on for 12 years or the sexual aspect. His poor girlfriend. It’s wrong and you need to hopefully find the strength to walk away. If he wanted to be with you then he would. He’s not being forced to stay with her.

 

[2xblended]

This is the thing, he always supported me in everything I've ever wanted to do. He knew my insecurities and always said 'you should only ever change for you and nobody else' and that if I was unhappy then he would support me however much he could in terms of weightloss. Also, I have suffered with my mental health over the last few years and whilst he was always there to talk to, he also encouraged me to speak to others such as women aid in regards to the abusive side of my past relationship and my GP so it was never about only him being there for me.

You know, everyone has a little good and a little bad in them. He supported you, yes, but he also wasted 12 years of your life and cheated on his partner for the majority of that time.
It is blatantly obvious to everyone that he was manipulative which soils any bit of support he offered because it is fake and designed to make you rely on him.

To be clear, he may have been saying go get help from other sources, but he also made sure he contacted you regularly enough, asking you to lean on his shoulders, made declarations of love and support, and even when you blocked him he reminded you that he has always been there for you. He said get help from a professional but he didn't give you space to go to anyone else because he was always the first one there, all-encompassing, making sure you leaned wholly on him. That is a form of control.
His words and his actions don't match.

But, even if he was good to you, can you get to a point where you say, he was good to me in this season of my life and I'm grateful I had his support when I needed it, but in this next season I want to be someone's first choice and not their backup?

You cannot erase the past 12 years, nor should you as he did help you during that time.
But you must see clearly that the bad he did (make you dependent on him, prevent you from finding a real partner by stringing you along for years that you will not get back, not leaving his current convenient life although he declares he loves you, all whilst emotionally and physically cheating on his partner which tells you his true character) outweighs the little emotional crutch he provided at a time when you needed it.

He was good for a bit but now he's unhealthy for you. He could have broken up with his partner as soon as he saw how serious you were about ending things, but he still hasn't. She is his first choice, he still hasn't chosen you. Enough of being pushed around. Take control and draw a line under it. He was good in some ways, bad in others, but now you're starting a new chapter and it will be the best one yet. You are worthy and you can have someone who makes you their actual priority- proud to show you off, not sneaking around with you.