Dating after lockdown #31 More ghosts than a cemetery!

[triesherbest]

I feel like such a clown for thinking he'd wanna be exclusive after 2 dates what am I smoking fr. No way am I gonna ask about it. Thanks @EddyDarling and @LaBlonde for being so direct. I think I need a reality check sometimes.

Sex is one thing but commitment is another. He is a 30 year old horny dude who is good with words and texting. My expectations are fully lowered I think I have post date / post sex clarity now

Also, next time if there is one, we will use a condom. Don't care how horny we both are I just cba for the concerns afterwards and it's not worth risking if there's no commitment there yet anyway

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

i felt this to my core, probably the whole of my late twenties has been this. we deserve so much more.

Whenever I read your posts my heart goes out to you. We try so hard to find refuge in a stranger's heart but it cannot be done. Seeing other people seeming to find this so easily, gives us a desire to keep trying but I think true peace lies within and it takes time and a daily committment to oneself. If life is a balance sheet then finding that for yourself has to be better than the roller coaster of emotional trauma that "some" men impart.

 

[drewydrop]

Hey been reading this thread throughout the day and have been thinking of you @Clementine and @Thank(space)you
I’ve been there and it sucks. I’m not great at the advice but please remember you didn’t do anything wrong and you deserve so much more. I’ve taken a break from dating the last 5 months as I don’t want to get hurt again. Probably not healthy but I’m so much happier not being on the apps or dealing with half arsed men.
Anyway just saw this and thought it was quite relevant.

 

[NinaStar90]

Need some words of strength. Not dated anyone since 2015. Started chatting to a lovely guy end of May. Tried really hard to meet but we live in different areas. Spoke daily. Then Thursday- ghosted. Just before I'm meant to go meet him this week.

He's sent a few really short tempered replies but I've refrained from bombarding him so just given up really. No idea what i did wrong. Just so fed up that after all these years I get excited then it's for nothing. Why bother?

 

[MsCurly]

Thread title by @sleepflowers

Phew, the last thread has flown by! To the readers, posters, and silent lurkers of the thread: I hope you all have a hot girl summer and get to live your best lives this summer!

The previous thread can be found here:

Dating after lockdown #30 WHY ARE MEN SO BORING

Previous thread here: https://tattle.life/threads/dating-after-lockdown-29-dating-advice-from-june-87-dont.39216/page-52 Congrats to @sleepflowers for the thread title suggestion If anyone wants to recap, feel free 😊

tattle.life

 

[CWA21]

you are so right as always. i am seeking validation on there. it's easy to get, but it's not fulfilling in the long run and will only hurt me since i haven't given myself a chance to get over the past - i'm only filling the void with meaningless encounters at this point. i will take a break from dating for the next month and just focus on what i'm doing now. thank you for the support here, it's really comforting

I am crap at giving advice to be honest, but i really want to tell you you seem like a lovely girl with a big heart. There are so many really lovely people on here In situations like this I try to imagine the exact same scenario is happening to another girl...what would you tell her or want her to feel? Back yourself, see all the wonderful qualities you have to offer a new relationship, let the guy work for your attention and treat you well cause you deserve it. Sometimes its easier to demand these things for others, and hopefully you'll realise you deserve every bit of it too...I agree with all the other wonderful advice on here too...Good luck x

 

[LaBlonde]

Men are just a fucking myth at this point. My self esteem is in the bin. I know it’s about them and not me but WHY am I never enough?! In fact, do
I want to be enough for these bloody toerags?!

clem this is not a reflection on you: men ghost because they will do anything possible to avoid actually talking about how they’re feeling and being seen as the “bad” person. i truly think the apps have just given them all the power to do this because the apps are so deeply catered to suit them and their flighty non-comittal natures. it sucks.

dating as a woman attracted to men is the tightrope walk of why am i not enough/men are disgusting. it’s hard to keep yourself going after knockbacks and when they’re just so callous.

you ARE enough. more than enough. for us and for the people in your life who matter, deeply, to you. i hope you have something nice planned to do today, we’ll always be here to chat too
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Well, neighbour has messaged. Basically ignoring everything I said & just saying he had a busy day yesterday as he went to a wedding but he had a great time. I've left him on read as tbh I don't have anything to say back to it

nah. this is just happening to often and you don’t deserve this - i know from your posts here you want a steady and committed communication style, you’ve been open about that and he’s just ignoring it why not just message you and say he had a busy day planned?!

 

[Ciaranicola]

I also think there is a very big difference between 1) the guy who is looking for a serious relationship but is not ready to commit after two/three dates. This is entirely normal as you still have so much to learn about each other. I personally would not be able to promise exclusivity after that long and also wouldn't expect the other guy too. If everyone is honest usually at this stage you may have other dates from apps organized, follow up dates etc. I would also be super suspicious of anyone trying to tie me down after that short a time too. I would pity the man who wanted to go exclusive with me after two dates because he is getting me on my best behaviour then and not the real flawed human I am!
2) the second guy then is the "not sure what they are looking for " guy and these carry a big red flag ( unless you are in a similar frame of mind I guess). For a guy to say this to you means there is some hesitancy on his part either his own emotional baggage or he's just not that into you.

Men are not that complex really and usually it's pretty obvious whether they are the first or second type. Unfortunately it's our own complexes that make the situations more confusing than they really are.

 

[Lalla]

Having been everything from a size 10 to size 20 in the last 10 or so years I'd say that weight doesn't necessarily put good men off (albeit there are very few good men in the first place), but it just becomes another thing for the shitbags to pick at...so at a size 14 I'd get called a bitch, but when I was a size 18-20, I was called a fat bitch. I've also had men assume that I'd be up for a shag with anyone because fat = desperate. However I also got that when I was thinner because I have big boobs, and apparently being a DD or above also denotes sexual availability.

Basically the majority of men are dogs.

 

[Laughalong]

Please do not remotely link your dress size to being unsuccessful at dating. Men are just cunts, it’s a reflection on them not you

I’m a petite size 6… and men are still just fucking idiots for the most part

 

[unidentified]

So been chatting to a guy on and off for about a month. He's brought up a few times if all goes well between us and we get married and also once if all goes well and we have kids. Hes also said along the lines of plans to make you fall for me etc.
I don't know why because I do want to get married (to the right person) but it's given me the most massive ick because we haven't even met yet.

Am I mad or should I listen to my gut here?

I’d be asking why haven’t you met after a month of chatting and him spouting that nonsense

 

[triesherbest]

Morning all, typing this from VV’s bed 🫢🫢🫢 He works early so he is already up, said he can either make me breakfast or let me sleep some more, I chose sleep…just so I can doll up a little bit while he is not watching and text my best friend (as well as post here haha). He’s also said I can stay for as long as I want but I have errands to run and need a change of clothes so I won’t be abusing his hospitality.

Re: sex talk let’s just he definitely doesn’t have a micropenis…and he’s got crazy stamina for someone who purportedly doesn’t work out. I do cardio but I have a feeling my muscles are going to be sore tomorrow Such a gent too, foreplay game on point, very understanding when I said I was on Prozac…but goodness gracious, I couldn’t sleep at all afterwards because he takes up the whole bed, I almost fell out of it once haha! Going to make up for it once I’m home from work though, catching up on sleep and on this thread are my Friday evening plans

yaaaaas i'm happy for you girlie haha, i'm so glad you had an amazing time!

i'm meeting my guy at 6pm tonight.. we messaged alll day yesterday, he also sends me arbitrary updates about his day at the office etc which i really like lol. sometimes it gets a bit sexual but and we joked about 'just holding hands and nothing else' tomorrow - but i'm lowkey happy about it because i do actually want to hold his hand while we're walking around london before going back to his, so now it's already been put out there as an idea
kind of funny how holding hands is a bigger deal than sex to us. and they say romance is dead

 

[LaBlonde]

View attachment 2349813 I can't remember if I have shared this before but since we were talking about lame things people say on dating apps, someone sent this to me as a first message.

I'm not sure what is worse, the unoriginal questions or the note to say "I hope that isn't too tricky" .

I HOPE THAT ISN’T TOO TRICKY?!??

i am filled with rage send him some back that are like: inane multichoice questions or actually starting a conversation? copy and paste or using your own brain?

(also: the guy i have been texting for maybe two weeks now just made a “joke” so ick that i am about to throw myself and him into the sun)

 

[LaBlonde]

I feel like such a clown for thinking he'd wanna be exclusive after 2 dates what am I smoking fr. No way am I gonna ask about it. Thanks @EddyDarling and @LaBlonde for being so direct. I think I need a reality check sometimes.

Sex is one thing but commitment is another. He is a 30 year old horny dude who is good with words and texting. My expectations are fully lowered I think I have post date / post sex clarity now

i wouldn’t say i want you to lower your expectations as such but i would want you to be “realistic” if that makes sense.

from my pov on this thread, you came into this following a nasty ghost experience and you were already fully prepared to go head over heels with this guy from the off. that is a nice way to be, it means you’re a romantic, but that doesn’t always work with dating Right Now. you then went full steam ahead, knowing that you planned to sleep with him before the first date, already planning serious connections - i think you want desperately to be in a relationship, to be wanted, and this is (understandably based on the experiences you’ve shared here) resulted in you clinging on to connections you make.

he should be wearing a condom, regardless of how either of you feel about them. but equally i get that he shouldn’t be answering serious emotional questions on how he feels about you on a second date.

genuinely, slow down, take it for what it is, stop looking up his family on social media and chill a little. and also - MAKE HIM WEAR A CONDOM WTF (she says as she skulks back into the shadows)

 

[Clickbait]

There is nothing wrong with messaging someone who you had a good date with and asking to meet up again.

I have some strong views on equality (one being for example that if women expect equality of pay in the workplace, expecting a man to pay on a first date is an absolute no-no) and wonder why so many intelligent, articulate, and independent women adopt the persona of a 19th century maiden following principles of courtship when it comes to some elements of modern day dating.

I guess some men want to do the ‘leading’ but I’m sure a lot would appreciate a woman who doesn’t sit back passively waiting to be approached. Likewise just because a man has shown interest in us does not mean we owe him anything aside from clarity and civility (and even the last thing can go out of the window if it’s not reciprocated).

That being said, and whilst I’ve never really been a game player, as I said in the last thread, I do think you need to keep some things back. There is no need to share feelings at this stage. You can share you enjoyed the previous date and perhaps pay a compliment. You can suggest something to do on another date or just say it’d be good to meet up again. Keep it casual but direct in that there is a definite question to be answered with a timescale (albeit general e.g. next week, this month etc.) and then leave the ball in their court.

Sending more unanswered messages erodes your position as two individuals on an equal footing.

As has been repeated many times: if someone is interested in you they will make the effort. Sending a text message takes seconds. If they could find the time before they met you, they should be equally as interested if not more so after they have.

Try not to take a no response personally. It is rude and cowardly to not provide clarity, but the app dating seems to provide them with immunity. If they say no chalk it up to experience. Don’t ask for feedback and don’t try and challenge that position.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Thank(space)you Then a lot of us are stupid along with you. You're not stupid, just afraid & it's a logical reaction when you fear abandonment. I was like this a long time ago (avoid it all now) and it's all pervasive that feeling. You're not alone, not stupid.

 

[LaBlonde]

i have a lot to update with aha. so as i've said many times me and henry cavill guy have been texting every day for like a month, a few phone calls, had two really nice dates. so on thursday we had a phone call, it got steamy again and he said a few things which made me pretty confident he's not fugkcing anyone else, so when we hung up i don't know what came over me but i just texted and asked him.
he said he's not, but he has been on some dates. i asked if he'd slept with any of them, and he said he had, one girl and they used protection, and it was after our first date. he hasn't since our second.
because of how intimate we are and how much we talk, i just said that i'm not comfortable with him sleeping with other girls if we're going to continue seeing each other and doing what we do. he said it's too soon to go exclusive, which i know is probably true. i asked if he liked me. he said 'i do' 'but i'm where i was before - i can't promise a relationship but i do like you. although sexual compatibility is important to me so now i also know ours is on point'. this is all well and good but one of the last messages in this conversation was 'i do like you but i'm worried you may like me more and i don't want to hurt you in the long run...'
so i just said 'honestly that already sounds like you don't see a relationship, which is fine, i'd rather know now instead of the 'can't promise' stuff' and he said 'i don't know is the answer - i think it's too fast paced to be having these talks, but thank you for speaking your mind'......... this was all before our date saturday, and we agreed we'd still go on it.

he is right, it's very early. and on one hand i sound a bit clingy - i know that. but on the other hand i'm proud of myself for voicing my boundaries, and he knows how i feel now. i can't shake the feeling that he is just in this for fun, he talks to me all the time but it's because it's fun for him. i don't want to waste my time and see him while he dates other girls, i'm scared that we'll be in this situationship-type-thing until he finds someone he really likes then stops seeing me....

some of my friends told me 'he just needs time - it is early and he likes you'. a couple of my other friends told me not to go this weekend. at the end of the day, i wanted a nice weekend and was looking forward to it, so i went anyway.

we saw barbie at an everyman cinema, it was lovely. he acts so coupley with me in person. as soon as we met, he said there's a beer festival near his place tomorrow so we can go to that together. after the movie we walked his dog (fucking adorable corgi who loves me ugh..), then watched another movie at his place, had great sex (protection was used this time), ordered food, watched more stuff, had more sex... just like the other times really. i just wanted to enjoy it for what it is. loads of cuddling on his sofa. again so coupley, for example, when we went to bed to actually sleep, he was reading on his kindle and i was turned over on my phone, and he said 'are you going to cuddle me while i read?' and asked me to scratch his back and stuff.....
today we woke up cuddling and holding hands - i am very conscious of being too cuddly in bed and usually won't do it unless it's initiated, so this was all him. we walked his dog, had sex again, watched another film then took his dog to the beer festival with us then went back to his for a bit longer before i left.

it was too good to be true, but in a way i'm glad we had the conversation before this weekend so i kind of know that this is a dead end and just enjoyed it for what it was. he likes me, but not enough to stop seeing other people....... i feel like he would know by now if he wanted to pursue things. a couple of my guy friends have said the same. so my plan was to just have a fun, drama free weekend (FUCKING ROLEPLAYING A COUPLE....) then pull back a bit. we are also both quite busy the next couple weeks, so now would be a good time to take a step back i think and see if we meet again later in august. i won't put more effort in now, if he chases me he chases, but i know the score already pretty much and i feel like it will end in tears if i don't protect myself and pull back

sorry for essay

i have to do a very rare thing for me… and sorta stand up for this guy. you said in your post after your first date that he’d told you he couldn’t promise a relationship and that he was, in his words, having a slut phase. or had just had one, i can’t remember. i know that you were obviously hoping that he would fully commit to you but he didn’t give any indication that he really wanted anything serious. like you say, he’s having fun and obviously enjoys spending time with you.

i think, after your ghosting experience, you wanted to label this as soon as possible because understandably in your mind you thought getting an exclusive label on it asap would make it “real” and avoid any future ghosting. like i said to you the other day, i think you then just got fully in your head and fixated on this.

the guy has been upfront with you throughout. he has also, i think, hit the nail on the head when he said he feels like you like him more than he likes you. maybe in not so blunt a way, but i think you have huge hopes and ideals for him in a way that he does not for you yet because he doesn’t particularly want a serious relationship.

i think, in all honesty, it would have been good for you to take a break from dating after the ghost and get yourself into a good place. dating when you’re feeling vulnerable or just not in the right mindset never goes well. you were hurt by the ghost and so were incredibly determined to make “something” out of your connection with this guy, which meant you put pressure on yourself and him from the jump.

 

[Agent Cooper]

Going on a date with Mr. Vincent Vega tonight! We are technically going as friends but he’s already texted me asking whether I would prefer to have red or white wine: Looks like he will be paying haha, and he’s also hinted we can go to his place afterwards…wish me good luck!

A little update while I wait for him to get back from the loo: I’m well drunk but looking a snack in my mini skirt, we were almost kicked out of the bar for making out, he said he’s going to call a taxi so we can go back to his place, I’m sooo here for it haha

 

[harveydean]

@harveydean we need an update on your shenanigans please!!!

Well…. Long distance guy didn’t end up coming to the event and blocked me. Weirdly I was relieved.

I met up with the guy who I agreed to hang with, and as soon as we met, it was a definite no. Lovely guy, but no spark my end and I didn’t fancy him. I told him straight away but we hung out together all weekend and had an amazing time. Definitely friends for life with him - he’s fab.

Fireman messaged me to tell me how much he liked me and wanted updates over the weekend. I sent him a couple of photos but left it as I was really busy. He messaged as soon as I got home to check in. Had a bit of a chat and I’m looking forward to seeing him next week…

But there’s always a twist, right?

Whilst I was away, I met another guy. Let’s call him Spike We met totally randomly and spent most of the weekend together, both with his friends and alone. He literally blew me away. He’s very much younger than me, but seriously, the best sex I’ve had in my life. He’s literally sex on legs. I thought it would be a weekend fling, as initially he asked me out for a drink when we got back (he’s only an hour away) and gave me his number, but as it turns out he wants more. I want more. We’ve made plans for next week but we’ll try and see eachother sooner.

I was not expecting this….

 

[Londoncailín]

I've found my dress and I got it from eBay in perfect condition as well for over half the price
View attachment 2341445
Now to find some court heels to go with it and I'm sorted

Fab dress! Love it.
---

I'm going on date number four later with a guy I met on Bumble a few weeks ago. Tonight is going to be THE night we sleep together. We are going for an early dinner and then to a swanky hotel. Neither of us can use our own places at the moment for ‘alone time’. I'm a little nervous, but I think it's good nerves.

Quoting myself here, but I thought I'd update you all. I had some hot sex last night…and this morning, many times over.