Dating after lockdown #31 More ghosts than a cemetery!

[Clementine]

Men are just a fucking myth at this point. My self esteem is in the bin. I know it’s about them and not me but WHY am I never enough?! In fact, do
I want to be enough for these bloody toerags?!

This time last year I was breaking my heart over a man I’d been in a relationship with. Who after we finished cut me off and quickly moved on to date a coworker after telling me he was too fragile to be in a relationship. I counselled him through their toxic breakup this year and then they got back together

It just all hurts. So so much.

 

[EddyDarling]

I'm trying to be honest he was like stop over thinking last night and I was like sorry haha(got in my head doing it after so long so I panicked)

Just take it for what it is, you got a good ride, yeehaw and all that shit
Now to crack on with life now that's ticked off the list
---
You're all so classy though, three dates in, Christ, I want to know what they're packing about an hour into the first date

 

[LaBlonde]

I got a reply which is basically a no. He said he doesn't want to date anyone because of my cat who was in fairness going mad when he stayed over because she's not used to strangers in the house. And because he's had no sleep because of that and other things. So he's really grumpy.

I'm not sure what to say

you say nothing and block him wtf.

doesn’t want to date anyone because of YOUR CAT?! and decided from that, to ghost you for days and only respond when you messaged him?

ladies rather than debating what to say to these useless men, or trying to engage with men who are attempting the slow fade, we should just be blocking. there is nothing to work with there.

 

[LaBlonde]

How can someone say things like this, make me think they were on their way over and then just block me?! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s absolutely no time but we (or so I thought) really connected. Please let me never go near a man again. I can’t take it. I’m so embarassed. Mortified for myself to think I’d met someone different
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Words really mean nothing, don’t they?

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hold me back, hold my earrings etc - i’m on my way over there

it blows my mind how men can spin on a dime feelings wise (i know #notallmen but gosh it’s a lot of you) to go from this seemingly genuine connection to blocking in no time at all.

do NOT feel embarrassed. if anyone needs to feel embarrassed here it’s him.

 

[Rayne]

So I downloaded hinge tonight…swiped for about 45 mins & didn’t find ONE man I thought was attractive. I think I’m broken

It’s not you, it’s men

 

[unidentified]

My daughter was dumped by her boyfriend and his reasoning is you’re making me unhappy. This is because she wants to go places and do things and he wants to lay in his bed. She’s 16 and it’s heartbreaking to see her so upset over someone who I knew was punching.

 

[Clementine]

That profile has made me PURE DRY.

 

[LaBlonde]

Thank you for reply and for this reality check LaBlonde (and I really don’t mind you calling me Raymond or love, you can call me anything you want ), but I must say I’m fully aware of what’s going on. He doesn’t have any romantic feelings for me, otherwise he would have reached out, I know that full well. He probably has the same thing going with other women as well. I am currently texting 3 other guys — I’ve met them all, one of them is quite attractive but seems a bit difficult, the other two are as sexy as a lampshade (at least to me). I know slow burn exists, but I’m not sure whether it would be fair to lead them on if that’s the way I truly feel about them. As for VV, we turned out to be compatible enough for me to feel comfortable around him and want to have sex again, that literally never happens to me so I’m clinging to the hope I don’t develop any other feelings for him down the line. I know I could technically wait for someone who would be interested in me as a person as well as be good in bed, but I’ve already waited long enough and I’m just so tired of it. Maybe this guy could be an option for me while I sort myself out and decide whether I’m looking for something serious or not, at least he is smart with no empty promises

ha, i’m never sure whether to still call you raymond or not

this viewpoint is, honestly, really worrying to me and making me a bit sad. in particular “I know I could technically wait for someone who would be interested in me as a person” because, yes! you could literally do that! what is the rush?!

this man is not engaging with you and, based on your posts, hasn’t engaged with you since you slept together. imagine, from his pov, he is doing a cowardly ghost and then gets a message basically offering up a FWB situation?! i don’t know why you would put yourself into that scenario with a man who appears to be actively trying to distance.

you don’t have to cling onto things. you certainly don’t have to cling onto things in the hope that you don’t develop further feelings. and you ESPECIALLY don’t have to offer things up to a man who doesn’t deserve them because you’re tired of waiting. dating is tiring, it worries me that you’re so instantly trying to force a connection because you’ve had decent sex. you should NEVER have to force someone to be with you. ever.

 

[LaBlonde]

He said he likes me but he's scared of being hurt so no longer wants to continue to date me.

you are not to be used to pamper his ego, and doing a little boy lost i’m too scared of being hurt again routine while simultaneously hurting you is pathetic. and you’re saying there were women at his house too?! nope.

 

[holliebollie]

I still have a screenshot of this thread maybe last year, about how men seem to be using apps to just get a shag. However, instead of the classic one night stand, they now use one or two dates first as a way to make them feel less like that’s all they’re after?? Does that make sense? Then you have sex thinking you’re on your way to ‘dating’ him, and 9/10 times you never see them again.

The one I wrote about here, all nice and cute and giving lovely compliments, alluding to future dates etc. Shagged one night and never saw him again. Another one I’ve been on about 6 dates, messaging every day. Gave him a blow job on date 6 (we were meeting maybe once a week?)… slowly fades to one message a day. Last text from me was last Monday, no reply since. It’s literally like getting a blow job, walking out the room and not saying bye. RUDE and disrespectful. He lasted literally 20-30 secs so I’m not that arsed.

 

[Lalla]

I think it's really grim that a man feels entitled to do that when they've been invited into your home for work purposes. How dare they? It's so presumptuous, to assume all women over a certain age are basically up for it. Porn has a lot to answer for.

My home is my sanctuary, my safe place. I have real issues getting tradespeople into do jobs because of things like this (and if they're not chatting you up, they're slagging off your house or speaking to you like you're an idiot). I have no time to be dealing with any of that!

 

[Rayne]

Can we all just forget the fuck about all men, close this thread and go live happily ever after on our own cos these men are not worthy of any of us

 

[IGiveUp22]

One of the reasons I came off the sites recently was I felt I was being too harsh on their photos
Bed ones
Topless ones apart from on a beach
Pouting
Sunglasses/hat/not looking in every pic
Full length posed mirror selfie
Group pic for every one
Any with a child in
Any posed on the front of a car
Any with the skinny jeans that have like ridges on them (I’ll try find a pic)
Any which conveniently show off their “package”
Any over sexualised ones
Any with clashing clothes e.g striped shirt with checked shorts
Any with unkept facial hair
Any with only stupid pictures and no serious ones, at 30+ you can’t be a joke all the time
Any where they have a really thin top lip (irrational ick of mine )

There’s probs more but I felt I was being overly critical at one point and just thought this is saying more about me/my thoughts on dating I mean when I go back on I probs still wouldn’t match any of the above but I was being overly harsh for some…some of them were probs nice men

 

[Thank(space)you]

🔺️ Last date I went on I wore this dress with strappy black sandals which had a small block heel and a black leather jacket.

 

[Thank(space)you]

My friend came over and let me cry and vent etc. which has definitely helped
Thank you all for being so lovely tonight.

 

[Clementine]

Thank you again everyone, I spoke to a male friend about it yesterday and his advice was to say a wee mantra about it everytime I start to think about him: “he messed up, it’s his loss”. This friend is a trainee clinical psychologist so maybe there’s something in that

I can’t lie though, I’m still in absolute shock and feel like the wind has been taken out of me. Had been on such a high since I’d known him to now be feeling such utter despondence. Feel so humiliated and naive by thinking he was different.

 

[Rayne]

I just can’t anymore, why are they all so boring

 

[Good Egg]

How can someone say things like this, make me think they were on their way over and then just block me?! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s absolutely no time but we (or so I thought) really connected. Please let me never go near a man again. I can’t take it. I’m so embarassed. Mortified for myself to think I’d met someone different
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Words really mean nothing, don’t they?

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Classic game of love bombing.
You are better off without.

 

[harveydean]

Yeah have been away all week, coming back today. He's then away Mon & Tues & has his kids weds & darts Thurs so next avaliable time to see each other is Friday. Provided he doesn't decide to make other plans that is

I just responded saying "oh" - he's left it on read. Half tempted to send another message saying "don't worry about later x" but I don't want to sound like a child having a tantrum.

No don’t reply again and don’t message him tomorrow - let him come to you. He’ll be aware he’s messed up so it’ll be telling what he does.

If he’s not putting the effort in now, he won’t be later…

 

[dinosaursideways]

Weighing in on the condom/STD chat as someone who has lurked on this thread for ages....if he isn't using condoms with you, he isn't using condoms with everyone else. Would you have unprotected sex with all the other women he is fucking? Would you have unprotected sex with all the other men the other women he is fucking are fucking? If not then....definitely worth thinking about using condoms. Because without condoms, you kind of are doing that.

Condoms lower risks, they can't eliminate the risk. Might be helpful to think about it as safer sex rather than safe sex and to acknowledge the inherent risks, in the same way that driving has a risk of car accidents, sex carries the risk of pregnancy and infections (and heartbreak...) but there are lots of things we can do to make it lower risk. And nany STDs can be transmitted/contracted orally as well as genitally and can transmit from one to the other. E.g. if you give an unprotected blowjob to someone with gonorrhea, you can end up with gonorrhea in your throat.

Agree with everyone saying we have been conditioned to think condoms ruin sex. There was an amazing Reddit comment on this years ago about how psychological it is (granted, deepthroating wirh a condom truly is harder lol). I struggled for a long time to feel confident advocating for condoms and putting my own sexual/physical health over a man's demands.

It took finding out that my ex spent our entire relationship cheating on me with scores of women, including sex workers, and covering the internet in documented proof that most of it was unprotected, and giving me STDs (and MUCH HEARTBREAK), for me to finally try and put myself first more, especially in casual sex. The impact of infections can be life changing and life impacting and women are more likely to get diagnosed later. We do not owe men more than we owe ourselves.

ETA sorry to be so heteronormative I'm not even straight myself, but men are worse for this than women in my experience! But dental dams (and clingfilm and loral pants etc) are all a thing too....