Dating after lockdown #31 More ghosts than a cemetery!

[MsCurly]

Thread title by @sleepflowers

Phew, the last thread has flown by! To the readers, posters, and silent lurkers of the thread: I hope you all have a hot girl summer and get to live your best lives this summer!

The previous thread can be found here:

Dating after lockdown #30 WHY ARE MEN SO BORING

Previous thread here: https://tattle.life/threads/dating-after-lockdown-29-dating-advice-from-june-87-dont.39216/page-52 Congrats to @sleepflowers for the thread title suggestion If anyone wants to recap, feel free 😊

tattle.life

 

[sleepflowers]

Two titles in a row, more successful than my dating life lol

 

[MsCurly]

A recap of the last thread:

1. @Lalla gave some excellent advice: Please never, ever, settle, and don't let anyone tell you that you should. It's hard enough to make the good things last in a relationship where you adore the other person, let alone where you've settled for a person who doesn't really float your boat, because someone is better than no one.
2. @SpindleWhorl lived life like they do in the movies: she went out for a meal on her own and scored a guy's number. What a meet-cute We all would like to be invited to the wedding, please.
3. @Agent Cooper who gave a shout out to men with cringy or questionable profile pictures. She also reminded us that male birth control is free and that it comes in the form of men holding a fish in their profile pictures
4. @Punchface tried to go on a date with a guy but he had some scheduling conflicts. He said he was going to a wedding, but he failed to mention he had to go TO HIS OWN WEDDING
5. @timtams matched with a guy who needed 4 days to come up with the opener "babe". @EddyDarling ran into a similar talent who most likely used a speed dating night questionnaire sheet to come up with opening questions.
6. @BWGossip reminded us that we should never feel obliged to have sex with anyone. No matter how much effort the other person makes to see you, you do not owe them anything.
7. @LaBlonde reminded us that we should only date if you are in the right headspace for it. You better listen to her, because she is screaming this from a cliff face and is yelling this into a gale.
8. I went out with an Alex Jones supporter who got really angry at me. Afterwards he tried to flatter me because he wanted to see me again, but I channeled my inner Ariana Grande and said

9. @Rayne opened up about her dating history:

10. @LaBlonde shared how we really feel when our friends start talking about their successful dating lives:

Just a general reminder because we had some issues with this on the last thread: If you are going to post here, you can expect others to comment on the situation you've described in your post. This is genuinely one of the most supportive corners on the internet, but some of the advice you're given might not be the advice you want to hear.

 

[Lalla]

Ooh I made it into the recap! I feel honoured

I can also confidently predict that will be the highlight of my week even though it's only Monday!

That said, over the weekend I did buy some clothes (that fitted) which were 2 sizes smaller than the size I was wearing at the start of the year (hurray!), and also a guy I follow on Instagram with like 100k followers requested to add me, clearly entrapped by my massively catfishy profile photo I've not accepted because I'm a weirdo and as much as I want attention/ for men to find me attractive it also makes me incredibly uncomfortable

 

[sofipbn]

Hello everyone! As I told you in the previous thread, if you remember (the guy with the condom wrapper under the bed etc), we had a talk and I decided that I believe him, but I don't feel in the right headspace to keep dating. I told him this and immediately started crying. I said I didn't want things to end badly between us because we have a very good relationship and felt support from him in everything. He said, regardless of whether we keep seeing each other as a couple or not, he is always going to be here if I need to talk, go for a walk, have a coffee, or whatever I need, that the bond we have doesn't need 'to end'. There's a lot going on right now, my mum is getting tested for endometrial cancer tomorrow, so I'm literally an emotional mess right now and everything feels too much. I'm too scared. I'm happy that things 'ended' well and that I know that he's there for me, even if I chose not to be with him romantically anymore.

 

[Dogtanian]

...and always here to provide some very crap dating advice or mans perspective. (Despite not actually going on a new date for 30 years)

 

[pbontoast]

Wishing you all well on your dating journey! I've been lurking these posts (while recognising that I am not ready to date yet as I am still not over my ex, but if it takes time to get over, it takes time!) Good luck everyone

 

[Sunflower16]

Super recap with the best advice all in one post!

 

[Joanie]

Yesterday I got round to texting to say "goodbye" I did text a few more words .After I text I blocked straight away. I did not want to read a reply incase it was nasty. Especially, as he was so mean to me. He actually said to me all long the lines that I have a face that looks like a liar! Few others things that have gone out my head. I said to him what is this " an character assassination" He replied" No and I am happy with your replies" I'm so glad I did not take it to heart. I know who I am and I've had a lovely weekend.
Going for second date on Wednesday.I have put my dating app on pause for the moment.

 

[Agent Cooper]

Amazing recap as always @MsCurly

I’ve been on 6 dates this month, and all 6 guys said they would like to see me again. Only 2 of them did actually text the following day, and naturally they are the ones I liked the least…Would texting myself make me look clingy? Is it really that bad if I enjoyed the date and would love to meet again? I am all for gender equality but dating is quite a minefield in this sense. It’s just that I prefer regular communication even if we’re in a no strings attached sort of situation, and it looks like most men are only capable of making booty calls.

Yesterday I got round to texting to say "goodbye" I did text a few more words .After I text I blocked straight away. I did not want to read a reply incase it was nasty. Especially, as he was so mean to me. He actually said to me all long the lines that I have a face that looks like a liar! Few others things that have gone out my head. I said to him what is this " an character assassination" He replied" No and I am happy with your replies" I'm so glad I did not take it to heart. I know who I am and I've had a lovely weekend.
Going for second date on Wednesday.I have put my dating app on pause for the moment.

Wow he is really nasty! What a twit! I’m so glad you did not take it to heart, he is obviously bitter and resentful.

 

[BoogleC]

Would texting myself make me look clingy? Is it really that bad if I enjoyed the date and would love to meet again? I am all for gender equality but dating is quite a minefield in this sense. It’s just that I prefer regular communication even if we’re in a no strings attached sort of situation, and it looks like most men are only capable of making booty calls.

coming out of lurker mode to echo this thought, I have recently started online dating for the first time in years and feel that it can be a minefield with worrying what I can and can’t say. Can I say I like them and would like to see them again or does that make it look like I’m being too full on?! But then in my mind i think well if he said that to me I’d be delighted. Ugh. I’m starting to wonder if it’s me making it more difficult for myself

p.s. I love reading this thread and how supportive everyone is

 

[triesherbest]

i'm giving myself the ick with how quickly attached i become ngl. only bloody met him once


i have to confess something really icky as well. i found his whole family on facebook (guy in question doesn't even have facebook) and started thinking about how well i'd fit into his family lmao and on the next date i have to pretend i know nothing about them we do message throughout the day everyyy day though. still gives me no right to be a creep, ugh

 

[Clickbait]

There is nothing wrong with messaging someone who you had a good date with and asking to meet up again.

I have some strong views on equality (one being for example that if women expect equality of pay in the workplace, expecting a man to pay on a first date is an absolute no-no) and wonder why so many intelligent, articulate, and independent women adopt the persona of a 19th century maiden following principles of courtship when it comes to some elements of modern day dating.

I guess some men want to do the ‘leading’ but I’m sure a lot would appreciate a woman who doesn’t sit back passively waiting to be approached. Likewise just because a man has shown interest in us does not mean we owe him anything aside from clarity and civility (and even the last thing can go out of the window if it’s not reciprocated).

That being said, and whilst I’ve never really been a game player, as I said in the last thread, I do think you need to keep some things back. There is no need to share feelings at this stage. You can share you enjoyed the previous date and perhaps pay a compliment. You can suggest something to do on another date or just say it’d be good to meet up again. Keep it casual but direct in that there is a definite question to be answered with a timescale (albeit general e.g. next week, this month etc.) and then leave the ball in their court.

Sending more unanswered messages erodes your position as two individuals on an equal footing.

As has been repeated many times: if someone is interested in you they will make the effort. Sending a text message takes seconds. If they could find the time before they met you, they should be equally as interested if not more so after they have.

Try not to take a no response personally. It is rude and cowardly to not provide clarity, but the app dating seems to provide them with immunity. If they say no chalk it up to experience. Don’t ask for feedback and don’t try and challenge that position.

 

[Sunflower16]

i'm giving myself the ick with how quickly attached i become ngl. only bloody met him once


i have to confess something really icky as well. i found his whole family on facebook (guy in question doesn't even have facebook) and started thinking about how well i'd fit into his family lmao and on the next date i have to pretend i know nothing about them we do message throughout the day everyyy day though. still gives me no right to be a creep, ugh

Nothing wrong with a creep! I once matched and was messaging a guy and I knew his brother and my brother had the same name, which is not a very common name at all as my friend knew his family! My performance when he said it was Oscar worthy if I do say so myself!

@Clickbait You always articulate your words of wisdom and advice so well.
---

Yesterday I got round to texting to say "goodbye" I did text a few more words .After I text I blocked straight away. I did not want to read a reply incase it was nasty. Especially, as he was so mean to me. He actually said to me all long the lines that I have a face that looks like a liar! Few others things that have gone out my head. I said to him what is this " an character assassination" He replied" No and I am happy with your replies" I'm so glad I did not take it to heart. I know who I am and I've had a lovely weekend.
Going for second date on Wednesday.I have put my dating app on pause for the moment.

He said you had a face of a liar? Wow! Well rid

 

[BWGossip]

Would texting myself make me look clingy? Is it really that bad if I enjoyed the date and would love to meet again? I am all for gender equality but dating is quite a minefield in this sense. It’s just that I prefer regular communication even if we’re in a no strings attached sort of situation

Were they the ones organising the first date? Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I expect the one being asked on the first date to organise the second date, then the first one organise the third date etc... So if they organised the first date, I'd send them a message for a second date. But if they can't go, the ball is in their court and need to reschedule the date. Imo it's just politeness, I do the same thing with friends.

I'm seeing the musician guy atm and it's pretty much what we do: texts during the day a couple times, then each one organise a date during the week. It's nothing serious but it's what I expect from most relationships (anything more would give me the ick, anything less would bored me).

@Clementine Did you end up getting your book back?

 

[Belle123]

Amazing recap as always @MsCurly

I’ve been on 6 dates this month, and all 6 guys said they would like to see me again. Only 2 of them did actually text the following day, and naturally they are the ones I liked the least…Would texting myself make me look clingy? Is it really that bad if I enjoyed the date and would love to meet again? I am all for gender equality but dating is quite a minefield in this sense. It’s just that I prefer regular communication even if we’re in a no strings attached sort of situation, and it looks like most men are only capable of making booty calls.

Wow he is really nasty! What a twit! I’m so glad you did not take it to heart, he is obviously bitter and resentful.

It absolutely won’t make you look clingy. It cuts through and gets an answer, rather than leaving you waiting for their text to drop. Like @Clickbait says, just keep it casual and direct. She articulates the technique well. Don’t explain yourself, don’t get all in your head. I remember with one of my exes, he asked me out and we agreed a day but I suggested the venue. I asked him on the second date, then he suggested a place. I suggested the third date and made all the plans. He then took much of the lead from there on in and we got into a natural balance. It honestly isn’t a bad thing to ask the man if he wants to meet again. Yes, it’s lovely when they ask you out, and either on the date or soon after, but some men need us to show our interest too. They need to get their confidence up. Men get nervous about rejection too. Just get an answer. It helps you weed the real ones out. If they say no or don’t really commit to anything, be glad you saved yourself from any more wasted time. Do not take it personally, just see it for what it is and keep moving forward. I also think texting first now and again is also needed to show interest. Let them take the lead at times, but find some way to take the slack too. It’s when you’re constantly initiating that you need to pull back. If they don’t engage, again that’s a sign to move on. Anyone genuinely interested will reach out. Again, do not take it personally, certainly not at the point of a date or two in. It’s just not a fit for them. Good luck!

 

[drewydrop]

Just noticed this podcast episode today, relevant for those that are anxiously attached. Haven’t listened yet but thought it might be useful for some x

 

[EddyDarling]

Got told I should be on display at the National Gallery today

Obviously he hasn't seen me IRL

 

[Thank(space)you]

I hate how easily attached I get, I keep thinking about how good my date was Friday and keep having to remind myself to take him off the pedestal because realistically I don't actually know him

 

[Agent Cooper]

Thank you for your input @BoogleC @Clickbait (you should be earning money giving such great and detailed advice ) @BWGossip! Don’t know where I would be without this thread haha. He messaged me while I was typing my previous post and we have arranged to meet again this week. We only met this weekend so I don’t really have an opinion on him, but I think he is nicer IRL. I have a feeling he might only be after sex though so we shall see.

I hate how easily attached I get, I keep thinking about how good my date was Friday and keep having to remind myself to take him off the pedestal because realistically I don't actually know him

I feel exactly the same lovely! Don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s not your fault