Dating after lockdown #31 More ghosts than a cemetery!

[LaBlonde]

A quick update from me: I am still talking to a couple of Tinder matches I’ve accumulated over the summer, but I think I’m falling in love with Vincent Vega 🫠 I had to cancel the date I had planned for today as I’m just not in the right headspace for seeing someone new. I know VV and I might need to have a talk in the future but I have no idea how to approach it - I don’t even know what I want from this, if we are being completely honest…

but what is the current setup between you and VV? the last we spoke he hadn’t messaged you for around a week and you were planning to reply offering a FWB arrangement. is this how it went down? i think i said to you then that it was clear how it was going to pan out, in that you already had strong feels for him and to say that you’re now falling in love with him isn’t hugely surprising. based on your posts here you go very fast and fall hard. i don’t think a FWB setup was ever going to work for you.

is it a FWB thing? because if so, telling him you’re in love with him when he thinks you’re doing casual hookups is only going to freak him out. what does he think is going on here? how many times have you seen him since he wasn’t replying?

or i guess more importantly: are you falling in love with him or the hypothetical idea of him.

 

[LaBlonde]

very true

on a funnier ? note look at this very forward message from a guy i matched with 3 days ago. he is so hot, like insanely hot but why is he talking like this already be for real
i just sent him a selfie while i was out running and he commented on my collar bones
View attachment 2368576

oh my god “our bodies are what we could use to do that”

also girl get off the apps, i beg you. TAKE A BREAK

 

[Laura VanderBooben]

So been chatting to a guy on and off for about a month. He's brought up a few times if all goes well between us and we get married and also once if all goes well and we have kids. Hes also said along the lines of plans to make you fall for me etc.
I don't know why because I do want to get married (to the right person) but it's given me the most massive ick because we haven't even met yet.

Am I mad or should I listen to my gut here?

Always. Always 1000% listen to your gut. Why's he trying to force thing. What's wrong with letting things develop naturally

 

[Clementine]

Awww @Thank(space)you, I’m so sorry about what the neighbour has said. Why the hell do they go down these roads with us only to about turn?! He wasn’t worth it and you definitely deserve better. Tbh, I think better right now is a man free existence.

I’ve been there with a Mum saying things they shouldn’t, my Mum told me when I was 16 she wished I’d died instead of my brother when I went on to develop bulimia and she found out her first words were “how could you do this to me?” It’s difficult because they’re the first people that are meant to love us unconditionally but they didn’t. Mums, eh?

Thank you to everyone who’s asked if I’m ok, I‘m not ok but I know that’s alright. I just feel so numb and flat. The confusion is the hardest to deal with. I dialled 141 and then his number and left a voicemail yesterday expressing this (in a calm manner) but obviously I’ve heard nothing back. It’s just left me feeling so disorientated, he was so lovely to me, so lovely that I’m having a hard time accepting what he’s done, you know? I really thought he got it and was someone who would be able to have an upfront discussion if he wasn’t feeling it anymore. In fact, he’d promised this and that he wouldn’t misuse my feelings. So for him to do exactly that is just cutting. He’s not a fuckboy, he’s not someone who wasn’t consistent or gave me mixed messages, so it’s just left me in absolute shock and so disappointed, because I did think he was different. My brain hates the unknown so I’m really battling with the what ifs. What happened between him telling me he’d finished work and was coming over to choosing to block me?! We never argued or had tense moments. It was just always so lovely and now it’s not and I don’t know why

I have one of his shirts here, and I’m in two minds whether to post it to his work address (I don’t know his home one) with a letter. Just to get it out of my system. That’s crazy behaviour though, right? I just want him to know how it’s made me feel.

 

[Rayne]

Pretty accurate

 

[harveydean]

So I had my coffee date today! He was very lovely. Really chatty and lots of laughing. Ticks so many boxes and very very good looking (I was looking at him thinking my god, how can you be so handsome?)

We had plenty to chat about and although there was no kiss, he gave me a hug and asked if we could see eachother again. I said I’d love to, and he messaged me as soon as he got back to his car…he’s also sent a few messages this evening but I’ve told him I’m out and busy I’m feeling relaxed about it and we’ll see eachother in a couple of weeks as we both have commitments.

Meanwhile the event guy and I are getting VERY excited to see eachother. Again he’s so handsome and has me in stitches but he’s 8 hours away!

I can have both, right?

 

[plinky2]

I didn’t have a great day yesterday, suddenly I was hit with all the floods of tears, feelings of failure and missing my ex, scared of being alone forever and of meeting someone new (also going between hoping ex will text me saying he’s made a mistake and wondering if he’s got someone new in the wings). I’m a fucking mess cos none of these things are real and I don’t need them in my life. So I need to get a grip! I don’t even want him back.
I feel like even making a tinder profile is like cheating on him. Maybe I will just lurk and see how I feel in a few weeks for now. Good luck you guys

 

[Bleurghgram]

I’m so fed up of having the carry the conversation with these clowns. Would it kill somebody to just ask me a question so many of them reply to every point of my message but can’t be arsed to actually make it a two way communication. I started messaging someone yesterday and initially it was funny and entertaining but I’ve now asked him about his career and where he’s traveled and he’s answered but given nothing back. How does anybody get past the talking stage, it’s so frustrating.

 

[Usagisakura90]

I feel like such a clown for thinking he'd wanna be exclusive after 2 dates what am I smoking fr. No way am I gonna ask about it. Thanks @EddyDarling and @LaBlonde for being so direct. I think I need a reality check sometimes.

Sex is one thing but commitment is another. He is a 30 year old horny dude who is good with words and texting. My expectations are fully lowered I think I have post date / post sex clarity now

Also, next time if there is one, we will use a condom. Don't care how horny we both are I just cba for the concerns afterwards and it's not worth risking if there's no commitment there yet anyway

I agree with what's been said about sex making you feel all lovey dovey. When I was younger I associated sex with love and its easy to feel in that moment the rush especially if the sex was a really intimate lovely experience. Now I tend to take a step back after it and think about it alot more, I also have experienced the "omg iv had sex with this person now I need a relationship with them asap" it is hard sometimes to create that boundary in your mind I think especially as women we are told from an early age "Sex is something you do when you love someone or are in a relationship with someone".

Men very rarely connect sex with being in a relationship, which makes it harder for us women. Not saying that men don't feel the same sorts of emotions and feelings in the sexual moment as we do, they are capable of it but they seem to view it differently.

Plus yes wearing a condom is an important thing to do, quite a few years ago I had sex with a guy I thought wanted more, he took the condom off and then after the deed he ghosted, I went to the pharmacy to get the morning after pill and it was £30!! Its definitely not free like it was when we were 15/16 and us or our friends needed to go get it. Also getting regular checks is also good although I don't want to get into the particulars about STI's as that always starts a debate on here, just please be safe as babies aren't the only thing that could potentially change your life.

Sending love its hard sometimes navigating dating.

 

[Ciaranicola]

You are so beautiful something suss about your guy that he got spooked. I wonder was he married or something as to go from 100 to zero raises major alarms.

Also I just was scrolling through WhatsApp there and came across the first guy that ghosted me and his profile pic is him and what's obviously his baby.
I had never met the guy but cried so much as I had so much faith him after messaging for a month every day all day. I honestly think ghosting is the worst and turns perfectly securely attached people in very anxiously attached that struggle to let their guard down

 

[Lalla]

@Thank(space)you please don't listen to what your mum says, not all parents are the supportive, positive, affirming people they should be and tbh that's shit. I'm glad you've blocked that neighbour. I'd be telling him to go fuck himself the arsehole.

I'm on a night out...the fact I'm posting here from the loo is probably a sign of how it's going. I'd rather be at home watching shit on TV. I think i m officially old.

 

[Clementine]

@LaBlonde, I have no idea what you do for a living but if you’re not a therapist you should be!

to everyone on this thread. It’s the best place to be.

 

[Rayne]

Rich needs a few more months before joining the apps

 

[HelloStereo]

I can't remember if I have shared this before but since we were talking about lame things people say on dating apps, someone sent this to me as a first message.

I'm not sure what is worse, the unoriginal questions or the note to say "I hope that isn't too tricky" .

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

If someone suggested watching tv so early on I would just assume they're a cheapskate & wanting to get laid spending as little as possible. Am I a cynic or a realist? I don't know.

 

[harveydean]

This loser was 5”6 wasn’t he? Add that to your mantra..
“He messed up, it’s his loss, he’s 5”6”

can’t get over the audacity of him

Ok I didn’t know this! He’s a Smurf. You’ve dodged a Smurf.

 

[LaBlonde]

This loser was 5”6 wasn’t he? Add that to your mantra..
“He messed up, it’s his loss, he’s 5”6”

can’t get over the audacity of him

there is no audacity like the audacity of a short man.
---
also, shall i make a new thread? (i’m worried about this one being locked )

any title suggestions? ngl, i’m still feeling I’M GOOD BEING PURE DRY mainly because it will make me laugh.

 

[Belle123]

Thank you all for replying!

The reason he gave me was more legit than the nan falling but I get what you all mean about lame excuses my friend and I had a discussion about his excuse, it feels a bit too deep and personal to be an excuse but you can never be 100% that's why I'm feeling like I want an answer sooner than later!

I'd be messaging to see whether he's placeholdering me or not once and for all!
If we are going to be meeting up then then I'd like a bit more frequency than what's been so far, I'm not interested in someone whose gonna talk the game but only pop around every equinox or whatever

Would asking to meet for drinks sound like asking out on a date date? I'd be meaning for it to be more chilled than that, I'd be thinking I'm meeting up not having a date?! So if I messaged I'd probably just say meet up!

His message seemed out of the blue not to lead onto a hook up suggestion straight away, and he seemed sincere in how he was talking. I wasn't flirting cause I was testing the waters almost with it being a couple of weeks since we last spoke, and I think he could be too. He knows I'm on on dating apps so maybe not sure if I'm interested still - but that works with the placeholder thing too!

If I did message him and I got a dubious excuse or a vague time frame then that's when I'd be like fuck off might not necessarily say it to him, but his answer would be clear as day even if he won't say it directly.

As would ignoring my message, and if he did that and then messaged me a couple of weeks later like this time then I'd ignore his message too (I know you'd say block but I've mixed feeling about blocking etc - just gotta be strong with the ignore game and either you're not fussed by them or you'll remove them when you're in a positive mindframe later on in life)


We don't live in the same town, but are a 15 minute train ride away from each other with pretty regular trains into the evening. I quite like that as it gives us our independence, that's really important to me after previously living with a partner.
He's also more social than me, so I know that he'd be doing stuff like that but good?! Always need a balance of friendship and relationships it's healthy?
The difference would be once/if we've established something between us we should both be open to make the space for them in our lives (again, that links to above where I said I'm not interested in talking for months for a once in a while fling) and maintain that - if it can't be maintained then its not working

Oh he also doesn't hate my cat it was all said in jest but my cat did jump all over him in the night but he was cuddling her the next morning. He'd been camping several nights before so probably bigged up a night in a bed

I was a crazy cat woman when he met me 8 years ago he knows what he's getting himself into

I think @LaBlonde has put it across in a really helpful way.

It’s not a criticism, we’ve all been there, but you are analysing things way too much. You’re trying to read between the lines and second guess it all. The simple truth is you don’t know where you stand. He goes ages without messaging, and it lacks consistency and clarity. That’s the part you should pay attention to. Like I’ve advised others before, put your eggs in other baskets and stop hoping men who behave like this, who are clearly showing you who they are, will magically change. He’s not the one. Focus on finding someone who gives you what you need and deserve, instead of pinning hopes on potential. Men talk a good talk when they want sex. They can say what appears to be deep, even thoughtful, stuff. They can tap into the words they know you want to hear. It’s particularly messed up, and says a lot about them and not us. So watch out for him turning on the charm next time he’s horny.

Always look for actions over words. That’s what shows you who they are and what they’re about. So he can have the most amazing excuse ever for his behaviour. Until he shows you with actions he wants to date you properly, communicate consistently and treat you with respect, they’re just empty statements, designed to keep you on a hook. Don’t do it to yourself x

 

[Kimmylookatme]

Just a little probably entirely unrealistic sounding update from me; have been following all your posts but not posting because I felt like I’d probably (and rightly so ) get told to stfu and stop being a naive idiot haha.
If anyone remembers with my ex who did a total 180 after deciding he wanted to break up - he is still trying. We had a 3 hour phone call the other day, he sent me a birthday card etc, he is saying he wants marriage and children and everything else and this is the biggest mistake he ever made. The thing is, with hindsight, I can see very clearly that it wasn’t. It was the right thing for both of us, and I have communicated this to him very clearly, and he’s coming round to accepting it and has been on a couple of dates (although he said he left the last one in tears, which isn’t a great sign.) Anyway he’s working on himself, having therapy and opening up to family and friends more. He sounds 110% more lucid and clear headed than he has in months so this is all very positive.

In other news - I met someone, and not to sound like Mark Corrigan for any Peep Show fans, I think this could actually be the one I have never in my entire life felt anything even close to this. He’s like a male version of me but (in my opinion) a way hotter, funnier, cleverer version who also just has the most insanely inspiring and beautiful way of looking at the world and people. He’s also just a thoroughly bloody decent person. I don’t really know how to put into words how he makes me feel other than like I’ve known him for ten thousand years (vomit etc) and nothing has ever been this easy, ever? Thankfully he feels the same way. We had a minor hiccup the other day because we tried to have sex for the first time and I freaked the hell out because of the stuff that happened with my last two exes but he was so understanding and just said that stuff doesn’t matter, at least not as much as the actual connection we have, and we just laughed about it and then he managed to get me to open up about stuff and was so ridiculously supportive. I dunno; time will tell. I was NOT expecting or anticipating this but bloody hell it’s nice. Edit to add - ex knows about new guy now, cos I felt it was only fair to say. And new guy has known about ex all along and been so appreciative of me keeping him ‘in the loop’ and is just very like ‘I want the guy to be OK cos he sounds like a lovely person, but I secretly and selfishly hope he maybe… moves to Argentina soon so we can just enjoy this?’

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Their idea of a conversation is after "hey" "how's your day going" "you look hot" then straight in with the "you do anal luv?" (Be still my beating )...I don't know how I got through it all! Even worse the ones who send a few civilised messages and then "I'm so horny today" ...Yeah you and a million other wankingplanks!