Dating after lockdown #28 It’s not you, it’s dating.

[LaBlonde]

Sorry if I’ve missed it but is candyland ok? I went MIA on the threads for a while

i haven’t seen her here for a little while!

haven’t seen @Lalla or @wibblywobblywoo for a bit either (or @TillyMiffin or @Belle123 ) - hope you’re all doing well ladies

 

[BettyBeau]

Honestly, and I say this from bitter experience, walk away from this man. He’s made it clear it’s not going to happen (anything other than a yes is a no*) and he’s now proceeding in the vein of ‘I’ll take whatever she’s offering without giving anything (she really wants) back because she knows the score’.

There are very few men who will make the hard break on your behalf if they know they can never give you what you want/need. Many won’t even be honest that they’ll never see you as a GF or wife so he’s one of the better ones. You have to save yourself in these situations.

I can see what you’re doing in your message which is to flirt with photos, sexual innuendo, get him fired up and thinking about you, keeping it friendly and light in the hope things will change/you’ll change his mind. It’s very similar to messages I shared many moons ago with an unattainable man. It won’t change his bottom line. He’s put you in a box labelled ‘fun’ and I think it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever move to ‘relationship material’.

This is not because you’re not worthy of a relationship, it’s just the way that he sees you and where you’ve ended up from your interactions. You can’t change the past but I wonder if you’ve yet tried to re-examine your time together to see if there was something you could have said or done differently to change the outcome? If you haven’t yet you probably will. And that is a pointless and soul-destroying exercise.

You could waste a lot more time on him. You could tell yourself you’re trying to move on by dating other men when in reality you’re comparing them all to him and they’re not measuring up, or you could be kind to yourself and mourn what could have been and then stop torturing yourself by keeping that flame alight. You’re the only one who is getting burned by doing that.

Talking to him every day under the guise of flirty friends is not helpful to you. He can take it or leave it, I really don’t think you can.

*There will always be exceptions to this, but when it comes to men I think this is a good rule of thumb.

this rings so true to my situation I try and move on but I just compare everyone to him.

If he fines out I’m dating he ramps up his contact to win me back. With the promise of one day we will be together. I know deep down he’s doesn’t really want me he just doesn’t want any one else to have me.

 

[EddyDarling]

Omigod my love life has been summarized in two tweets

 

[itsnotmereally]

Sorry if I’ve missed it but is candyland ok? I went MIA on the threads for a while

She was on the BowelBro thread and he threatened to dox her via his instagram, after already doing it to one other person. The screenshots are on his threads.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

Does anyone else see themselves participating in masochistic clownish behaviour, have the complete self awareness that they’re doing it knowing it’s only going to lead to an unhappy outcome yet still do it?! Like you’re an observer of your own actions.

Not me counselling my ex through a breakup with his ex who’s he’s fully going to get back with My ex who completely shattered me last year, have written about him loads on these threads.

STOP.

NOW.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

She was on the BowelBro thread and he threatened to dox her via his instagram, after already doing it to one other person. The screenshots are on his threads.

Eeesh

 

[Agent Cooper]

i just love every broken part of him even though I can’t fix him

Jeez, I could have written this myself some time ago! I really really do feel for you freeze, I’ve been there myself and I know what it’s like…It’s almost like I can’t be attracted to men (and people in general) who aren’t broken in one way or another, depressed, drinking, messed up, forlorn. If a guy isn’t any of these, my knee jerk reaction used to be ‘boy, is he boring’…Since I started therapy I have come to realise it was something bordering on codependency. I wanted to be a savior, I wanted to change them, but here is the thing: you can’t change grown ass people. You just can’t. Obviously some people are willing to grow and get better but it needs to be coming from them, not you.

You seem like such a lovely, compassionate person. Please stop wasting your time and resources on this guy, it’s not worth it. I hope it gets easier for you soon

Does anyone else see themselves participating in masochistic clownish behaviour, have the complete self awareness that they’re doing it knowing it’s only going to lead to an unhappy outcome yet still do it?! Like you’re an observer of your own actions.

Not me counselling my ex through a breakup with his ex who’s he’s fully going to get back with My ex who completely shattered me last year, have written about him loads on these threads.

You are not a free therapist Clementine! You don’t owe him anything, just block and don’t let him drain you with his misery.

 

[Ohnoshebettadont]

[QUOTE
Oh my god. So I went on a few dates with a guy over the last 3-4 weeks. He invited me over. I parked up, it’s a small block of flats. The front door is completely smashed. There’s a guy sat outside one of the doors inside smoking weed. The guy I dated opens the door and doesn’t even act like this is anything abnormal. I go in and honestly, I’ve never seen anything like it. It stank of piss. It was absolutely filthy. Like the toilet was brown. Also, he didn’t have any lightbulbs in any room. There was one in the hallway, and that’s it. He used his phone torch to light his way through. I couldn’t hide my horror. His “office” was like a uni student halls. Every wall was covered in posters or photos, including the ceiling. The carpet was thick with grime, and one room he didn’t use because it was “horrible” I didn’t dare to look at what was festering in there. His bed was basically a pile of 3 mattresses on top of the other and the duvet stank like it hadn’t been washed in years. This is a 40 year old man. I’m absolutely traumatised hahahaha. I made a swift exit and have since told him I don’t see it going anywhere. I really toyed with the idea of telling him that he needs to get his act together and sort his flat out but decided against it. Also, he struck me as being quite depressive so I didn’t want to be cruel if he’s actually suffering. But yeah, an absolute swift dealbreaker from me.

So i'm quoting myself from way back just as a reminder of the situation and the HORRIFYING outcome that has come from this.

The guy I mentioned above had continued to message me now and again after this. I was (naively) trying to be kind because he was clearly mentally unwell and seemed lonely. I was sceptical because he always had big dramas, deaths, terrible things happening, threats of suicide. I even met him a couple of weeks ago because I was genuinely concerned about his wellbeing and seemed to have no-one else. Well it turns out everything he said was all complete lies, fabricated a whole fake life and it is actually all very sinister. He has been sharing explicit videos taken without consent of over 20 women (not me), he also posted things of me all over his social media to make out we were in a relationship and a whole HOST of lies including lots of digs at me, pictures of me, messages to me - none of which I saw. Someone approached me with screenshots and when I confronted him, he just said sorry, so I know it's true. He is now BLOCKED.

I'm MASSIVELY freaked out and want to report him to the police, but apparently other girls are frightened because he has content of them. I don't really have much personally to report him for. I have an unsolicited picture he sent me at Christmas, and the lies, but that's not exactly a crime, just WEIRD. This guy came to my house once so I'm slightly concerned but also not scared of him. We dated a month probably 6-7 dates. He was never abusive or scary to me, just a bit weird and I thought by the end mentally unwell.

Not to put anyone else off but I am well and truly PUT OFF FOR LIFE. I've been advised to just block and never speak to him again (obviously) but I do feel torn as to what I should do. Stay out of it, or report him?

Sorry to get so HEAVY JEEZ.

In fact ladies (Edited to add), I'm going to request to change my username on here, just in case. I've locked my social accounts RIGHT down.

Okay turns out name changes aren't possible - so a new account it may be!
[/QUOTE]

omg How terrifying! I hope you are ok. You could call 101 and report it so it’s on record, incase he tried to contact you again. If he makes a habit of this with lots of women the police might be building a case. Worth having a chat if just to get advice x

 

[mozzarellagirl]

 

[kaay]

Firstly sorry for this long post
Hey ladies. Ive only just seen this thread and thought I'd hop on. So basically I broke up with my kids dad about 8 months and I haven't been on 1 date since. Everyone keeps telling me to go on dates, have fun etc but I just can't find it in myself to do that right now. This one guy (who I've known for a good while) knows that I'm single now and keeps asking to take me out, he's so lovely and sweet but I don't can't bring myself to go out on a date with him or anyone else. Plus I'm always exhausted because I have a wild 2 year old and I only get 1 night on my own when my mum has my kid so I want to use that night as a quiet me night. Long uninterrupted baths, self care etc. But also I feel like im missing out &part of my thinks I'll never want to date again. Anyone else feel this way?

 

[Xales]

Firstly sorry for this long post
Hey ladies. Ive only just seen this thread and thought I'd hop on. So basically I broke up with my kids dad about 8 months and I haven't been on 1 date since. Everyone keeps telling me to go on dates, have fun etc but I just can't find it in myself to do that right now. This one guy (who I've known for a good while) knows that I'm single now and keeps asking to take me out, he's so lovely and sweet but I don't can't bring myself to go out on a date with him or anyone else. Plus I'm always exhausted because I have a wild 2 year old and I only get 1 night on my own when my mum has my kid so I want to use that night as a quiet me night. Long uninterrupted baths, self care etc. But also I feel like im missing out &part of my thinks I'll never want to date again. Anyone else feel this way?

I feel very much the same although I have a 22 year old sloth rather than a wild 2 year old and I am exhausted. It never ends. Go to work, go home, cook clean, fit in the gym, laundry, shopping.

My ex moved out about 5 months ago. Part of me wants something new but part of me thinks it all just sounds like too much hard work. Then I come on here and read all the horror stories of the muppet men and feel even less like dating.

 

[boomska]

View attachment 2118354

I needed to see this today

 

[Captainmouse]

Stolen from another thread

 

[IGiveUp22]

I had a bit of a break as life got a bit hectic but just wanted to update you ladies.
So my last post in the last thread was about the guy I’d dated ages ago & then we’d gone out again recently & he left me confused.

Well, I increasingly got madder about the situation. I tried again to get some clarity, no joy so I just messaged & was like “ahh okay I’ll take the hint” type thing. He then came back & was like “no no that’s not the case blah blah”. He also made a comment about feeling I wasn’t healed which at the time I didn’t really bat an eye lid at (he knows about my narc ex) but the more I thought about it, the more I got angry over it. I’ve gone through hell & back as a result of my ex, & I’ve worked damn hard the last 3 years to get myself to where I am & this man, who hasn’t known me since 2018, spends a couple of hours with me & decides he can say that. I just thought how actually dare he. I’m upset because I valued this guy as a friend & I had a lot of respect for him.

also bare in mind, he made comments such as he didn’t have any baggage (not the word he used) & like no feelings for anyone - I have no idea why this was mentioned because that is the same for me bar the lasting trauma from the narc but he’d also told me on the date that his ex, despite splitting in aug last year, started turning up at work place in Feb so I’m like, hun, you’ve got more “baggage” than me…

Anyway, I got drunk last weekend, called him out & he had the cheek to pretend he didn’t know what the issue was? Anyway, he then ignored me again despite me saying in earlier messages I was pissed off at him ignoring me & he insisted he hadn’t ignored me at all (). He kept coming back to this “well we needed to think about things & that’s a worry” which I agreed with. However, I believed we were thinking about whether we wanted to get involved with someone else after everything (on both sides) but apparently, he must have been thinking “actually do I wanna be with HER”.
All of this is completely fair by the way, which I had communicated to him in EVERY message that if you’re not feeling it that’s absolutely fine, we’ll always be friends. Yet even down to my last message (the harshest I’d sent) where I was like “look, this clearly isn’t happening, we’ll just be friends” he hasn’t even come back to be like “yeah ok” or “yeah that’s what I want” I was so angry over the entire situation & honestly just so disappointed in him.
YET HE WATCHES EVERYTHING ON INSTA even in between the times he wouldn’t reply to WhatsApp’s.

So yeah, I’ve drawn a line under that

Ive joined hinge again this weekend…think I’ll have it deleted by Monday

 

[Agent Cooper]

I had a bit of a break as life got a bit hectic but just wanted to update you ladies.
So my last post in the last thread was about the guy I’d dated ages ago & then we’d gone out again recently & he left me confused.

Well, I increasingly got madder about the situation. I tried again to get some clarity, no joy so I just messaged & was like “ahh okay I’ll take the hint” type thing. He then came back & was like “no no that’s not the case blah blah”. He also made a comment about feeling I wasn’t healed which at the time I didn’t really bat an eye lid at (he knows about my narc ex) but the more I thought about it, the more I got angry over it. I’ve gone through hell & back as a result of my ex, & I’ve worked damn hard the last 3 years to get myself to where I am & this man, who hasn’t known me since 2018, spends a couple of hours with me & decides he can say that. I just thought how actually dare he. I’m upset because I valued this guy as a friend & I had a lot of respect for him.

also bare in mind, he made comments such as he didn’t have any baggage (not the word he used) & like no feelings for anyone - I have no idea why this was mentioned because that is the same for me bar the lasting trauma from the narc but he’d also told me on the date that his ex, despite splitting in aug last year, started turning up at work place in Feb so I’m like, hun, you’ve got more “baggage” than me…

Anyway, I got drunk last weekend, called him out & he had the cheek to pretend he didn’t know what the issue was? Anyway, he then ignored me again despite me saying in earlier messages I was pissed off at him ignoring me & he insisted he hadn’t ignored me at all (). He kept coming back to this “well we needed to think about things & that’s a worry” which I agreed with. However, I believed we were thinking about whether we wanted to get involved with someone else after everything (on both sides) but apparently, he must have been thinking “actually do I wanna be with HER”.
All of this is completely fair by the way, which I had communicated to him in EVERY message that if you’re not feeling it that’s absolutely fine, we’ll always be friends. Yet even down to my last message (the harshest I’d sent) where I was like “look, this clearly isn’t happening, we’ll just be friends” he hasn’t even come back to be like “yeah ok” or “yeah that’s what I want” I was so angry over the entire situation & honestly just so disappointed in him.
YET HE WATCHES EVERYTHING ON INSTA even in between the times he wouldn’t reply to WhatsApp’s.

So yeah, I’ve drawn a line under that

Ive joined hinge again this weekend…think I’ll have it deleted by Monday

He sounds like a right piece of work with no respect for you. I’m so glad you are moving on, just block him everywhere so he doesn’t bother you in the future.

 

[GlassOfBeans]

Hi fellow daters! I finally decided to give the online dating thing ago after years of being off the apps. I’ve been speaking to a few guys but there was one I really felt I had a connection with and we were sending paragraphs to each other daily. It seems we were open and honest about what we want and he would actively look up stuff I mentioned in convo to talk about again at a different time…

WELL woke up this morning to find he’s unmatched me completely out of the blue! I’m not looking for reasons why as I know I’ll never know but wheeewwww it’s been a reminder that this dating game is hard and not to take things personally! Just got to keep things moving, right?

 

[IGiveUp22]

Also, are men really this dense?!
on hinge a guy has put as his answer to “what I really want to do this year as “go on a solo trip”

like he does realise he’s on a dating site & put he wants a long term committed relationship but then puts that as his answer?? Huh?

 

[GlassOfBeans]

I had a bit of a break as life got a bit hectic but just wanted to update you ladies.
So my last post in the last thread was about the guy I’d dated ages ago & then we’d gone out again recently & he left me confused.

Well, I increasingly got madder about the situation. I tried again to get some clarity, no joy so I just messaged & was like “ahh okay I’ll take the hint” type thing. He then came back & was like “no no that’s not the case blah blah”. He also made a comment about feeling I wasn’t healed which at the time I didn’t really bat an eye lid at (he knows about my narc ex) but the more I thought about it, the more I got angry over it. I’ve gone through hell & back as a result of my ex, & I’ve worked damn hard the last 3 years to get myself to where I am & this man, who hasn’t known me since 2018, spends a couple of hours with me & decides he can say that. I just thought how actually dare he. I’m upset because I valued this guy as a friend & I had a lot of respect for him.

also bare in mind, he made comments such as he didn’t have any baggage (not the word he used) & like no feelings for anyone - I have no idea why this was mentioned because that is the same for me bar the lasting trauma from the narc but he’d also told me on the date that his ex, despite splitting in aug last year, started turning up at work place in Feb so I’m like, hun, you’ve got more “baggage” than me…

Anyway, I got drunk last weekend, called him out & he had the cheek to pretend he didn’t know what the issue was? Anyway, he then ignored me again despite me saying in earlier messages I was pissed off at him ignoring me & he insisted he hadn’t ignored me at all (). He kept coming back to this “well we needed to think about things & that’s a worry” which I agreed with. However, I believed we were thinking about whether we wanted to get involved with someone else after everything (on both sides) but apparently, he must have been thinking “actually do I wanna be with HER”.
All of this is completely fair by the way, which I had communicated to him in EVERY message that if you’re not feeling it that’s absolutely fine, we’ll always be friends. Yet even down to my last message (the harshest I’d sent) where I was like “look, this clearly isn’t happening, we’ll just be friends” he hasn’t even come back to be like “yeah ok” or “yeah that’s what I want” I was so angry over the entire situation & honestly just so disappointed in him.
YET HE WATCHES EVERYTHING ON INSTA even in between the times he wouldn’t reply to WhatsApp’s.

So yeah, I’ve drawn a line under that

Ive joined hinge again this weekend…think I’ll have it deleted by Monday

Sorry to hear this, make that line you’re drawing under this one, a line that’s in permanent marker pen and do not look back!

I think we should make a pact 🤝🏽 that we should keep hinge to at least Friday although that could be a struggle

 

[EddyDarling]

I think I'd choose not to be flown directly into a human trafficking ring thanks love

 

[itsnotmereally]

View attachment 2120007

I think I'd choose not to be flown directly into a human trafficking ring thanks love

Speak for yourself Would be an improvement to anything around these parts!