Dating after lockdown #28 It’s not you, it’s dating.

[LaBlonde]

What do y'all wear to dates?
Birkenstockless answers only please x

some variation on what my friends call “the lablonde [real name] look” - a floral tea dress or midi dress of some kind with ankle boots i only own one pair of jeans and they are not date ready.

if it’s a first date, then i’ll go high neck. if we’re three or four dates on and i like him, then i drop the neckline and release the “girls”

 

[IGiveUp22]

Date wise it depends on what we’re doing. But if it’s drinks/food I’ll wear a dress & heels but have also worn jeans/top/heels. I am very extra & am usually over dressed whoever I go

when I went on a date for crazy golf I went more casual & had trainers on with jeans

edited - but I’d honestly advise going in what you feel comfortable in & also still being you. Because for me, I know I usually over dress & if I play that down, they’re not seeing the real me if that makes sense?

 

[MsCurly]

I always go for a little black dress and high heels, because I usually meet my dates after work for dinner.
It’s a safe option that you can either dress up or down depending on the guy/date activity.

 

[EddyDarling]

So, carry on with the *tight* red dress and heels look
Got it
I'm trying to work out what to suggest to my sexy tat man, he's a lot cooler than I am

 

[Rayne]

Do we think he means he likes to pole dance or does he like to watch pole dancing

 

[Agent Cooper]

Yeah, I'm the only sister who speaks to her so I told her after she first told me they had a date that I wasn't overly happy with it. But she told me that if she avoided every guy who had spoken to me/ghosted me that there would be nobody left

I'm just in a bad mood anyway today and just feeling extra "whats wrong with me/why not me"

I’m sorry someone who is supposed to support you did this to you. It’s really weird and unpleasant, but I hope you are as okay as can be And don’t forget it’s not you, it’s dating!

What do y'all wear to dates?
Birkenstockless answers only please x

What about Crocs though?

I wear whatever is comfortable, I really CBA to wear heels or tight dresses for a guy I might never see again! T-shirts, jeans, leather jackets, that sort of thing. I don’t like oversexualizing myself, the situation on the apps is dire enough as it is with all these horndogs.

 

[Brigitjonesbuttcheek]

Hello all. New to the thread. I'm very new to dating. Basically married my mate 12 years ago. tit happend and single now.

Anyway, met this guy, it's going good. Seeing each other once a week at the moment. More than just a hook up.

But......I get my period next week. I'm don't know how to handle it. Do I avoid him and risk him thinking I've lost interest. Do I say before hand sex off the table. Or do I still arrange a meet up then say on the night I'm on my period.

We are at the point of sleep overs after dates.

I never had to deal with this because I've always been on the pill when I was younger so just stopped my period when new to dating.

 

[al255]

Hello all. New to the thread. I'm very new to dating. Basically married my mate 12 years ago. tit happend and single now.

Anyway, met this guy, it's going good. Seeing each other once a week at the moment. More than just a hook up.

But......I get my period next week. I'm don't know how to handle it. Do I avoid him and risk him thinking I've lost interest. Do I say before hand sex off the table. Or do I still arrange a meet up then say on the night I'm on my period.

We are at the point of sleep overs after dates.

I never had to deal with this because I've always been on the pill when I was younger so just stopped my period when new to dating.

just say you’ve got period pains / your period coming you’re both adults, he knows women have periods monthly. Why dance around the subject

 

[Jenca01]

Yeah I’d just tell him about it, if he’s mature he should understand! I remember staying at a blokes flat who I was dating and I was on and I told him and he was understanding about it, also they don’t wanna ask questions so they just leave you to it I think I wore like 3 pairs of knickers in bed to avoid leaking

 

[SpindleWhorl]

Hi fellow daters! I finally decided to give the online dating thing ago after years of being off the apps. I’ve been speaking to a few guys but there was one I really felt I had a connection with and we were sending paragraphs to each other daily. It seems we were open and honest about what we want and he would actively look up stuff I mentioned in convo to talk about again at a different time…

WELL woke up this morning to find he’s unmatched me completely out of the blue! I’m not looking for reasons why as I know I’ll never know but wheeewwww it’s been a reminder that this dating game is hard and not to take things personally! Just got to keep things moving, right?

Unfortunately this sort of thing is more the rule rather than the exception. You need to be as tough as nails for online dating

 

[LaBlonde]

Unfortunately this sort of thing is more the rule rather than the exception. You need to be as tough as nails for online dating

absolutely this. it hurts and it’s so so inconsiderate - but it sadly is going to happen, and has happened, to all of us. it’s the nature of the game sadly.
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Hello all. New to the thread. I'm very new to dating. Basically married my mate 12 years ago. tit happend and single now.

Anyway, met this guy, it's going good. Seeing each other once a week at the moment. More than just a hook up.

But......I get my period next week. I'm don't know how to handle it. Do I avoid him and risk him thinking I've lost interest. Do I say before hand sex off the table. Or do I still arrange a meet up then say on the night I'm on my period.

We are at the point of sleep overs after dates.

I never had to deal with this because I've always been on the pill when I was younger so just stopped my period when new to dating.

…… just tell him? you’re both adults and it sounds like you’re getting fairly serious. why would he lose interest because of one occasion where you don’t have sex?!?

tell him and if you’re both not into period sex then move onto the next date. or sleepover without sex?!

 

[Clementine]

Just want to say thank you to everyone last week who responded with words of wisdom and kindness Dr Clem (PhD in fuckwit men) is on a sabbatical for the foreseeable.

Feeling quite bruised and used but I can’t regret being my authentic self to someone I once had a connection with.

 

[Lalla]

Just popping on to say I'm still here - I've not been posting much on this thread because a) I'm still not dating and b) you are all so spot on with your advice I just find myself agreeing with whatever has been written, and there are only so many times I can write - Agreed! - without getting the ick with myself

I went out to bottomless brunch on Saturday in London, had the best time. Afterwards we staggered round a few of my old haunts (like the Maple Leaf which was absolutely packed with men, probably why I used to go there 20 odd years ago )- my friends were like shall we go and speak to some of them for you, specially any that were broadshouldered and bearded as that's kind of my 'thing' - friends are married so were just happy to be my wing women but honestly I didn't want to, was happy just having a man free day out! 8 solid hours of drinking did nothing for my diet but it has really helped my wellbeing

I was saying to my friends that I've always been so independent (this is my dad's teachings - that you don't need to rely on anyone etc!) and it's done me zero favours in life, I'm just expected to get on with anything, whereas a mutual friend of ours is basically useless, and everyone ends up helping her with everything constantly. I've realised at the grand age of 50 that there are no prizes for doing it all - so from now on I'm not. I will be expecting more from men and not picking up the slack or running round after them (unlike my Ex who wouldn't ever help me with anything because I could do it myself/ it wasn't worth his while/ why should he etc - despite me packing up his house for him 3 times when he moved and doing a full clean of it too).

So now I have a wish list for my ideal man (paraphrasing Bridget Jones, no alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, perverts, addicts, misogynists, racists, sexists, meanness in any respect, anyone who thinks Andrew Tate 'makes some good points' or who finds Michael McIntyre in any way amusing). I suspect I may be in for a bloody long wait... But I'm quite liking this new demand more aspect to my personality. It reminds me of how I was when I was 18 before years of tit relationships and awful men ground down my expectations!

 

[Dogtanian]

Just want to say thank you to everyone last week who responded with words of wisdom and kindness Dr Clem (PhD in fuckwit men) is on a sabbatical for the foreseeable.

Feeling quite bruised and used but I can’t regret being my authentic self to someone I once had a connection with.

Thinking of you Clementine. You've been through the wringer recently so take some time to recharge.

 

[Brigitjonesbuttcheek]

absolutely this. it hurts and it’s so so inconsiderate - but it sadly is going to happen, and has happened, to all of us. it’s the nature of the game sadly.
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…… just tell him? you’re both adults and it sounds like you’re getting fairly serious. why would he lose interest because of one occasion where you don’t have sex?!?

tell him and if you’re both not into period sex then move onto the next date. or sleepover without sex?!

I just find talking about stuff like that a bit awkward anyway. And I guess I worry if we have a date and I'm like sorry sex is off the table might be annoyed like a wasted his time.

For context I'm really insecure and inexperienced with dating. Now I've written it down it does seem a bit stupid.

 

[Jenca01]

I just find talking about stuff like that a bit awkward anyway. And I guess I worry if we have a date and I'm like sorry sex is off the table might be annoyed like a wasted his time.

For context I'm really insecure and inexperienced with dating. Now I've written it down it does seem a bit stupid.

Aw it’s not stupid at all! It’s a personal thing and I think it’s natural to feel like that, I always feel at my least sexy when I’m on but you might be surprised by his reaction

 

[LaBlonde]

I just find talking about stuff like that a bit awkward anyway. And I guess I worry if we have a date and I'm like sorry sex is off the table might be annoyed like a wasted his time.

For context I'm really insecure and inexperienced with dating. Now I've written it down it does seem a bit stupid.

it’s not stupid at all, especially when it’s all a bit new, but honestly don’t get into the line of thinking that no sex means a waste of a date. that sets a level of expectation which only becomes more worrying tbh - he’s meeting you for you, not for the promise that you might have sex.

if you’re going to keep seeing him long term this conversation is going to keep happening, it will get easier after the first time. or, if sex is that important to both of you, throw a towel down idk
---

Just popping on to say I'm still here - I've not been posting much on this thread because a) I'm still not dating and b) you are all so spot on with your advice I just find myself agreeing with whatever has been written, and there are only so many times I can write - Agreed! - without getting the ick with myself

I went out to bottomless brunch on Saturday in London, had the best time. Afterwards we staggered round a few of my old haunts (like the Maple Leaf which was absolutely packed with men, probably why I used to go there 20 odd years ago )- my friends were like shall we go and speak to some of them for you, specially any that were broadshouldered and bearded as that's kind of my 'thing' - friends are married so were just happy to be my wing women but honestly I didn't want to, was happy just having a man free day out! 8 solid hours of drinking did nothing for my diet but it has really helped my wellbeing

I was saying to my friends that I've always been so independent (this is my dad's teachings - that you don't need to rely on anyone etc!) and it's done me zero favours in life, I'm just expected to get on with anything, whereas a mutual friend of ours is basically useless, and everyone ends up helping her with everything constantly. I've realised at the grand age of 50 that there are no prizes for doing it all - so from now on I'm not. I will be expecting more from men and not picking up the slack or running round after them (unlike my Ex who wouldn't ever help me with anything because I could do it myself/ it wasn't worth his while/ why should he etc - despite me packing up his house for him 3 times when he moved and doing a full clean of it too).

So now I have a wish list for my ideal man (paraphrasing Bridget Jones, no alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, perverts, addicts, misogynists, racists, sexists, meanness in any respect, anyone who thinks Andrew Tate 'makes some good points' or who finds Michael McIntyre in any way amusing). I suspect I may be in for a bloody long wait... But I'm quite liking this new demand more aspect to my personality. It reminds me of how I was when I was 18 before years of tit relationships and awful men ground down my expectations!

lovely to see you lalla (i’ve been wondering where you were) and this is a BEAUTIFUL post the growth! the eloquence! the knowing your worth!!

 

[Brigitjonesbuttcheek]

Thank you all the replies. I feel a bit better about it now. And actually yeah if he only wants to see me if we're gonna have sex (which I don't actually think he is) then I should probably stop seeing him anyway.

I just struggle to see why anyone would want to be with me for any reason other than sex. I've always felt that way, which is probably why my track record with men is shocking and then I married my mate despite some pretty big red flags.

 

[Clickbait]

Thank you all the replies. I feel a bit better about it now. And actually yeah if he only wants to see me if we're gonna have sex (which I don't actually think he is) then I should probably stop seeing him anyway.

I just struggle to see why anyone would want to be with me for any reason other than sex. I've always felt that way, which is probably why my track record with men is shocking and then I married my mate despite some pretty big red flags.

The BIB makes me sad. What’s the betting you’re one of those people who is very able to spot the good in others as well. You need to learn to lift yourself up and realise your worth. The dating scene is brutal and plays into insecurities so I’d recommend doing that sooner rather than later or you’ll end up feeling worse about yourself.

As for your first post - it’s best to set the tone early on. If you want a relationship where you can have chats about potentially difficult or awkward things you need to lean into them even if it’s uncomfortable. His reaction will be worth watching but hopefully he takes it without issue. I had a long relationship with someone who would literally run and hide at the first sign of a discussion about something he didn’t want to talk about. When this happened more than once I should have realised we were incompatible but I ended up making excuses for him (particularly to friends and family), chasing after him (to check he was alive), and worst of all never getting the answers I needed.

 

[Brigitjonesbuttcheek]

The BIB makes me sad. What’s the betting you’re one of those people who is very able to spot the good in others as well. You need to learn to lift yourself up and realise your worth. The dating scene is brutal and plays into insecurities so I’d recommend doing that sooner rather than later or you’ll end up feeling worse about yourself.

As for your first post - it’s best to set the tone early on. If you want a relationship where you can have chats about potentially difficult or awkward things you need to lean into them even if it’s uncomfortable. His reaction will be worth watching but hopefully he takes it without issue. I had a long relationship with someone who would literally run and hide at the first sign of a discussion about something he didn’t want to talk about. When this happened more than once I should have realised we were incompatible but I ended up making excuses for him (particularly to friends and family), chasing after him (to check he was alive), and worst of all never getting the answers I needed.

I do realise where my insecurities come from now and where I've made mistakes in the past. I've let myself be manipulated more than a few times because I'm the sort of person that would just rather go with things and make the best of it, and because I'm insecure I easily fall for obsessive guys and love bombing.

So I think I'm in a better place to notice red flags. And I've been on my own a year now so I know if stuff doesn't work out it's not a big deal.

But I do still struggle to see my value other than in looks and sex. I'll probably never get over it but I guess now I know thats why I've made mistakes in the past I can stop history repeating itself.