Dating after lockdown #28 It’s not you, it’s dating.

[tomato_paste]

Sat here wondering why my friend and I have such a lovely connection that he just isn’t able in his head to commit to because of, well life and that everyone I meet on tinder is either a ghost or unstable! Hope everyone is ok- happy Thursday we are nearly there

Sounds like he's getting all the benefits of commitment without actual commitment? If that's ok for you, then keep on doing what you're doing.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

Sounds like he's getting all the benefits of commitment without actual commitment? If that's ok for you, then keep on doing what you're doing.

exactly if you're giving him boyfriend privileges already, why would he need to commit?

 

[LaBlonde]

Sounds like he's getting all the benefits of commitment without actual commitment? If that's ok for you, then keep on doing what you're doing.

exactly this. he’s getting the benefits (and from your screenshot, the sweet messages from you) without having to actually commit or be your “boyfriend”.

i’m guessing from how you’ve worded your post that you and him have discussed the potential of a relationship but he told you he isn’t able “in his head” to commit(?!?) - if that’s the case and he knows you feel a connection to him then i’m not sure it’s fair, on his part, to be messaging you these sort of things. it just keeps you, as per your post, sad and with the hope that one day when he’s ready something may happen.

 

[freezelouise43]

Sounds like he's getting all the benefits of commitment without actual commitment? If that's ok for you, then keep on doing what you're doing.

d

exactly this. he’s getting the benefits (and from your screenshot, the sweet messages from you) without having to actually commit or be your “boyfriend”.

i’m guessing from how you’ve worded your post that you and him have discussed the potential of a relationship but he told you he isn’t able “in his head” to commit(?!?) - if that’s the case and he knows you feel a connection to him then i’m not sure it’s fair, on his part, to be messaging you these sort of things. it just keeps you, as per your post, sad and with the hope that one day when he’s ready something may happen.

Bit of background is that we have dated briefly but it was a really bad time for us both, then we stopped speaking for literally a couple of years, and because he’s in my friendship circle we ended up back in touch and have slept together couple of times since and spent time together. We talk every day (he’s not very local) but he’s in the middle of a drawn out divorce and I do feel for him as I don’t think it was ever what he wanted but she’s with someone else so it’s final…you’re right why buy the cow when you can milk it for free …I just really really love him, I’m trying to date and meet new guys but as with Birkenstock guy…that isn’t going so well xx

 

[mozzarellagirl]

d
Bit of background is that we have dated briefly but it was a really bad time for us both, then we stopped speaking for literally a couple of years, and because he’s in my friendship circle we ended up back in touch and have slept together couple of times since and spent time together. We talk every day (he’s not very local) but he’s in the middle of a drawn out divorce and I do feel for him as I don’t think it was ever what he wanted but she’s with someone else so it’s final…you’re right why buy the cow when you can milk it for free …I just really really love him, I’m trying to date and meet new guys but as with Birkenstock guy…that isn’t going so well xx

i really feel for you, i do, i know how painful it is but perhaps there's some much needed boundaries that need to be put in place

 

[Clickbait]

d
Bit of background is that we have dated briefly but it was a really bad time for us both, then we stopped speaking for literally a couple of years, and because he’s in my friendship circle we ended up back in touch and have slept together couple of times since and spent time together. We talk every day (he’s not very local) but he’s in the middle of a drawn out divorce and I do feel for him as I don’t think it was ever what he wanted but she’s with someone else so it’s final…you’re right why buy the cow when you can milk it for free …I just really really love him, I’m trying to date and meet new guys but as with Birkenstock guy…that isn’t going so well xx

Honestly, and I say this from bitter experience, walk away from this man. He’s made it clear it’s not going to happen (anything other than a yes is a no*) and he’s now proceeding in the vein of ‘I’ll take whatever she’s offering without giving anything (she really wants) back because she knows the score’.

There are very few men who will make the hard break on your behalf if they know they can never give you what you want/need. Many won’t even be honest that they’ll never see you as a GF or wife so he’s one of the better ones. You have to save yourself in these situations.

I can see what you’re doing in your message which is to flirt with photos, sexual innuendo, get him fired up and thinking about you, keeping it friendly and light in the hope things will change/you’ll change his mind. It’s very similar to messages I shared many moons ago with an unattainable man. It won’t change his bottom line. He’s put you in a box labelled ‘fun’ and I think it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever move to ‘relationship material’.

This is not because you’re not worthy of a relationship, it’s just the way that he sees you and where you’ve ended up from your interactions. You can’t change the past but I wonder if you’ve yet tried to re-examine your time together to see if there was something you could have said or done differently to change the outcome? If you haven’t yet you probably will. And that is a pointless and soul-destroying exercise.

You could waste a lot more time on him. You could tell yourself you’re trying to move on by dating other men when in reality you’re comparing them all to him and they’re not measuring up, or you could be kind to yourself and mourn what could have been and then stop torturing yourself by keeping that flame alight. You’re the only one who is getting burned by doing that.

Talking to him every day under the guise of flirty friends is not helpful to you. He can take it or leave it, I really don’t think you can.

*There will always be exceptions to this, but when it comes to men I think this is a good rule of thumb.

 

[harveydean]

Honestly, and I say this from bitter experience, walk away from this man. He’s made it clear it’s not going to happen (anything other than a yes is a no*) and he’s now proceeding in the vein of ‘I’ll take whatever she’s offering without giving anything (she really wants) back because she knows the score’.

There are very few men who will make the hard break on your behalf if they know they can never give you what you want/need. Many won’t even be honest that they’ll never see you as a GF or wife so he’s one of the better ones. You have to save yourself in these situations.

I can see what you’re doing in your message which is to flirt with photos, sexual innuendo, get him fired up and thinking about you, keeping it friendly and light in the hope things will change/you’ll change his mind. It’s very similar to messages I shared many moons ago with an unattainable man. It won’t change his bottom line. He’s put you in a box labelled ‘fun’ and I think it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever move to ‘relationship material’.

This is not because you’re not worthy of a relationship, it’s just the way that he sees you and where you’ve ended up from your interactions. You can’t change the past but I wonder if you’ve yet tried to re-examine your time together to see if there was something you could have said or done differently to change the outcome? If you haven’t yet you probably will. And that is a pointless and soul-destroying exercise.

You could waste a lot more time on him. You could tell yourself you’re trying to move on by dating other men when in reality you’re comparing them all to him and they’re not measuring up, or you could be kind to yourself and mourn what could have been and then stop torturing yourself by keeping that flame alight. You’re the only one who is getting burned by doing that.

Talking to him every day under the guise of flirty friends is not helpful to you. He can take it or leave it, I really don’t think you can.

*There will always be exceptions to this, but when it comes to men I think this is a good rule of thumb.

I totally agree and I’ve said it before - when men tell you they are a certain way, or they that their feelings for you are XYZ, believe them. You won’t change them.

I, too, have done the flirty friends thing after a brief fling which didn’t work out. I always wished he’d one day declare his love for me, but alas he didn’t. I wasted so much time and headspace on him and for what?

If it was actually fun and no strings then I’d say carry on, but it’s not and you’re just prolonging pain.

You are worth SO much than this (and the Birkenstock wanker.)

 

[Rayne]

June is my spirit animal

 

[LaBlonde]

June is my spirit animal View attachment 2115625

is it too early to nominate “dating advice: don’t” as our next thread title in june’s honour?!?

 

[xcyber]

d
Bit of background is that we have dated briefly but it was a really bad time for us both, then we stopped speaking for literally a couple of years, and because he’s in my friendship circle we ended up back in touch and have slept together couple of times since and spent time together. We talk every day (he’s not very local) but he’s in the middle of a drawn out divorce and I do feel for him as I don’t think it was ever what he wanted but she’s with someone else so it’s final…you’re right why buy the cow when you can milk it for free …I just really really love him, I’m trying to date and meet new guys but as with Birkenstock guy…that isn’t going so well xx

I feel for you but like a lot of others have said it doesn’t sound like anything serious is going to come with this man. I wholeheartedly believe that if someone wants to be with you they will. Distance, a divorce (lol), work commitments etc etc will never get in the way of a man who REALLY wants a relationship with you. This guy doesn’t I’m afraid, and by remaining in love with him and speaking to him like he’s your bf that’s not going to change. Eventually he’ll inform you out of the blue that he’s in a relationship with someone else and that it’s quite serious and then you’ll be crushed and have wasted months maybe years of your life. For nothing. Let this one go, he’s not it. X

 

[mozzarellagirl]

it was such a painful lesson to learn but its true, a man who wants to be with you will do just that

 

[freezelouise43]

Thanks all, I’m trying to just be strong and find other areas of my life that are fulfilling, making holiday plans etc, I tend to withdraw if I feel hurt, and it’s just hard as in any other situation I would let him have it but he’s really close to one of my best friends, (platonic, she’s happily married and is friends with his ex too) so I don’t want to rock the boat…I think accepting what I can’t change and trying to have a nice life is best? Xx

 

[xcyber]

Thanks all, I’m trying to just be strong and find other areas of my life that are fulfilling, making holiday plans etc, I tend to withdraw if I feel hurt, and it’s just hard as in any other situation I would let him have it but he’s really close to one of my best friends, (platonic, she’s happily married and is friends with his ex too) so I don’t want to rock the boat…I think accepting what I can’t change and trying to have a nice life is best? Xx

Self preservation and looking out for yourself is the number one priority. I think if you’re unable to truly distance yourself from this man it will be extremely difficult to let him go as his presence or mention will just continue to ignite the feelings. duck rocking the boat, capsize that bloody boat if you need to - YOU are the main priority here. Xx

 

[Clementine]

Does anyone else see themselves participating in masochistic clownish behaviour, have the complete self awareness that they’re doing it knowing it’s only going to lead to an unhappy outcome yet still do it?! Like you’re an observer of your own actions.

Not me counselling my ex through a breakup with his ex who’s he’s fully going to get back with My ex who completely shattered me last year, have written about him loads on these threads.

 

[Clickbait]

Does anyone else see themselves participating in masochistic clownish behaviour, have the complete self awareness that they’re doing it knowing it’s only going to lead to an unhappy outcome yet still do it?! Like you’re an observer of your own actions.

Not me counselling my ex through a breakup with his ex who’s he’s fully going to get back with My ex who completely shattered me last year, have written about him loads on these threads.

Is this with the idea somewhere in the back of your mind that there is a chance for you to reunite?

You’re being a kind person, helping someone who you love or once loved at a time of need. Sadly by engaging with him you’re ultimately hurting yourself which you also know.

I couldn’t open all the screenshots but I saw that he seemed to open with he’d broken up with his gf and by the way that album you’d discussed before was really good. Very unfair of him to do that. He’s not there to chat to you about music, he wants to lean in for your support because he knows you’re emotionally intelligent and generous.

Obviously the right thing to do is to close it down, but again you know that. I guess all I’d say is don’t be too hard on yourself for engaging particularly when you’re still not over him because you didn’t seek him out.

 

[SpindleWhorl]

Does anyone else see themselves participating in masochistic clownish behaviour, have the complete self awareness that they’re doing it knowing it’s only going to lead to an unhappy outcome yet still do it?! Like you’re an observer of your own actions.

Not me counselling my ex through a breakup with his ex who’s he’s fully going to get back with My ex who completely shattered me last year, have written about him loads on these threads.

Block and delete

 

[harveydean]

Does anyone else see themselves participating in masochistic clownish behaviour, have the complete self awareness that they’re doing it knowing it’s only going to lead to an unhappy outcome yet still do it?! Like you’re an observer of your own actions.

Not me counselling my ex through a breakup with his ex who’s he’s fully going to get back with My ex who completely shattered me last year, have written about him loads on these threads.

What I’m seeing here is you healing. Reading your words, it’s like you’re writing them to yourself and through him.

I remember you talking about him before, and I see this as an opportunity out for you to release him and move on. What he’s doing isn’t fair so use it to your benefit and let him go.

 

[LaBlonde]

Does anyone else see themselves participating in masochistic clownish behaviour, have the complete self awareness that they’re doing it knowing it’s only going to lead to an unhappy outcome yet still do it?! Like you’re an observer of your own actions.

Not me counselling my ex through a breakup with his ex who’s he’s fully going to get back with My ex who completely shattered me last year, have written about him loads on these threads.

oh clem - it isn’t fair of him at all to be opening this line of conversation with you. is this the same guy who reacted weirdly to a (i think) birthday message a few threads back? he can’t engage with you when it suits, it’s unfair and like clickbait says above, it’s using you because he knows you’re a good and supportive person.

don’t beat yourself up about this. we’ve all been then and we’ve all hoped that this sort of situation means something to the other person. but i fear that it’s just him taking advice of someone who he knows is kind and will listen.

you have a huge amount of self awareness, give great advice and seem very in tune on your own behaviour and your reasoning for this. like harvey says, you can see the healing and growth in how you’re responding, but i would consider a block now. as long as the avenue is open he’s going to keep using it, and you don’t deserve that.

 

[freezelouise43]

Self preservation and looking out for yourself is the number one priority. I think if you’re unable to truly distance yourself from this man it will be extremely difficult to let him go as his presence or mention will just continue to ignite the feelings. duck rocking the boat, capsize that bloody boat if you need to - YOU are the main priority here. Xx

he’s so messed up he’s a totally lost cause, broken over losing his wife (through his countless affairs) drinks alone every night, adores his kids but they’re almost adults with their own lives…I look at him and I see that he’s not a bad person (he’s helped me and my friends with things so much) but just too far gone to ever even settle down again, he admits it too…i just love every broken part of him even though I can’t fix him…I have distanced myself from him in that we haven’t made any plans to meet again which is good because every time I leave I feel l left my heart with him and it’s not a nice feeling, I can do without that as I’m pretty carefree most of the time xx

 

[harveydean]

he’s so messed up he’s a totally lost cause, broken over losing his wife (through his countless affairs) drinks alone every night, adores his kids but they’re almost adults with their own lives…I look at him and I see that he’s not a bad person (he’s helped me and my friends with things so much) but just too far gone to ever even settle down again, he admits it too…i just love every broken part of him even though I can’t fix him…I have distanced myself from him in that we haven’t made any plans to meet again which is good because every time I leave I feel l left my heart with him and it’s not a nice feeling, I can do without that as I’m pretty carefree most of the time xx

Im going to say this with complete kindness but you want to fix him and you want him to love you. You can’t and he won’t.