Dating after lockdown #28 It’s not you, it’s dating.

[freezelouise43]

Im going to say this with complete kindness but you want to fix him and you want him to love you. You can’t and he won’t.

I totally agree! And thank you xx

 

[harveydean]

I totally agree! And thank you xx

It hurts, I totally understand. With my friend he was so messed up and I loved every inch of his being. I thought if we were together then I would be able to make everything better but that’s not how it works. I broke contact with him a year ago (we did meet a couple of times after) but blocked him properly last summer. There’s not a day goes by where I don’t miss him but it’s not worth the headspace.

I’m sounding very philosophical today but bear with me! I realised that if I looked at him like I was looking in the mirror, I needed to heal the parts which I wanted to fix in him. It was like he was sent to help me with that.

No one comes into your life as an accident. Relationships aren’t black and white. Love comes in all shapes and forms. Sometimes we can’t put these people or experiences into boxes and that’s ok! Sometimes we don’t need to but we do need to thank them for the lesson and let go…

 

[MsCurly]

I totally agree! And thank you xx

You deserve a partner, not a project.
You also cannot love someone into loving you, so I fully second @harveydean, he played his part, you learnt your lesson and now you can release him and move on.

 

[Clementine]

I know what I should do, but why can’t I do it?! It’s not that I even want a reconciliation, just some clarity about our past I guess (my brain doesn’t like the unknown). I won’t lie and say I haven’t missed our connection and the ease I find in speaking with him. Just to have him in my life to message again has been nice. However, he hasn’t communicated with me for 8 months, y’know? And now he is and it’s completely self serving. I’m aware of this but I still want to afford him my kindness and care, that he doesn’t really deserve. I’m advising him on the perils of a toxic relationship (having been there with my daughter’s father) yet being fully toxic to myself.

I’m hearing about how awful their relationship was yet I know he’ll go back to her and there’s a little voice in me saying “but what about me?” What was so bad about me that you could discard me but choose this madness?! I was so good to him. I can’t help him to my own detriment.

 

[harveydean]

I know what I should do, but why can’t I do it?! It’s not that I even want a reconciliation, just some clarity about our past I guess (my brain doesn’t like the unknown). I won’t lie and say I haven’t missed our connection and the ease I find in speaking with him. Just to have him in my life to message again has been nice. However, he hasn’t communicated with me for 8 months, y’know? And now he is and it’s completely self serving. I’m aware of this but I still want to afford him my kindness and care, that he doesn’t really deserve. I’m advising him on the perils of a toxic relationship (having been there with my daughter’s father) yet being fully toxic to myself.

I’m hearing about how awful their relationship was yet I know he’ll go back to her and there’s a little voice in me saying “but what about me?” What was so bad about me that you could discard me but choose this madness?! I was so good to him. I can’t help him to my own detriment.

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You’re not his therapist and he’s not your friend. He’s treated you like tit in the past and he’s using you right now.

 

[LaBlonde]

I know what I should do, but why can’t I do it?! It’s not that I even want a reconciliation, just some clarity about our past I guess (my brain doesn’t like the unknown). I won’t lie and say I haven’t missed our connection and the ease I find in speaking with him. Just to have him in my life to message again has been nice. However, he hasn’t communicated with me for 8 months, y’know? And now he is and it’s completely self serving. I’m aware of this but I still want to afford him my kindness and care, that he doesn’t really deserve. I’m advising him on the perils of a toxic relationship (having been there with my daughter’s father) yet being fully toxic to myself.

I’m hearing about how awful their relationship was yet I know he’ll go back to her and there’s a little voice in me saying “but what about me?” What was so bad about me that you could discard me but choose this madness?! I was so good to him. I can’t help him to my own detriment.

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aw clem - i think it’s completely natural to think why not me or you would have been happier with me especially if his ex didn’t/isn’t treating him well. BUT, in being so kind to him you’re being cruel to yourself. you will never get a clear answer on “why not me” sadly. it worries me that you’re saying that you’re being toxic, when he is being a little toxic too. it’s a situation that benefits him more but doesn’t help either of you.

the logic of relationships doesn’t make sense, in a male or female sense. so many of us skip over the person who could be good for us but cannot stop thinking about the one who wasn’t nice for us. there isn’t a clear explanation for this and he isn’t going to be able to provide one.

as best you can, i think you need to set some distance. you’re doing a very kind thing by advising him but think about yourself and your well being here

 

[MrsInfortheNose]

I love how supportive you ladies are on this thread . I’m going on my first date since my partner of four years finished our relationship 4 months ago. I’m not sure if I am ready but this guy seems nice and even just to have a coffee as a friend. I also found out my ex was dating and it was a bit like a dagger to the heart. I still think about him daily and I miss him but I keep telling myself that it happened to make way for something better. Any support or word of wisdom welcome from you lovely tattlers x

 

[LaBlonde]

I love how supportive you ladies are on this thread . I’m going on my first date since my partner of four years finished our relationship 4 months ago. I’m not sure if I am ready but this guy seems nice and even just to have a coffee as a friend. I also found out my ex was dating and it was a bit like a dagger to the heart. I still think about him daily and I miss him but I keep telling myself that it happened to make way for something better. Any support or word of wisdom welcome from you lovely tattlers x

first off, props on you for getting back out there

ultimately, i think your general attitude to your date sounds very realistic and very positive - don’t put pressure on yourself, you’re just meeting someone nice for a coffee and seeing how you feel! just go with the flow, and if you’re not feeling it then onto the next. dating can be scary, especially the first one after a long term relationship, but you’ve taken the scariest step in actually arranging the thing! x

 

[harveydean]

I love how supportive you ladies are on this thread . I’m going on my first date since my partner of four years finished our relationship 4 months ago. I’m not sure if I am ready but this guy seems nice and even just to have a coffee as a friend. I also found out my ex was dating and it was a bit like a dagger to the heart. I still think about him daily and I miss him but I keep telling myself that it happened to make way for something better. Any support or word of wisdom welcome from you lovely tattlers x

Just go and have fun! I know my first dates after my marriage split were like therapy sessions (poor them!) but it did me the world of good to have a flirt and make an effort.

Most importantly - report back!

 

[xcyber]

I know what I should do, but why can’t I do it?! It’s not that I even want a reconciliation, just some clarity about our past I guess (my brain doesn’t like the unknown). I won’t lie and say I haven’t missed our connection and the ease I find in speaking with him. Just to have him in my life to message again has been nice. However, he hasn’t communicated with me for 8 months, y’know? And now he is and it’s completely self serving. I’m aware of this but I still want to afford him my kindness and care, that he doesn’t really deserve. I’m advising him on the perils of a toxic relationship (having been there with my daughter’s father) yet being fully toxic to myself.

I’m hearing about how awful their relationship was yet I know he’ll go back to her and there’s a little voice in me saying “but what about me?” What was so bad about me that you could discard me but choose this madness?! I was so good to him. I can’t help him to my own detriment.

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Clem you’re being WAAAAYYYY too nice to this man. He is basically using you as a sounding board for all the repetitive tit he’s likely bored everyone else in his circle with already. He’s probably run out of people with patience to speak to about his tedious relationship issues and now found you for fresh ears. No bleeping thanks. You’re not this therapist. Tell him ‘cool story bro’ and tell him to do one. The audacity to use YOU (someone he hurt) to try and talk through his current relationship woes. I’m sorry, what!?

 

[Thank(space)you]

Help, what do you reply to a first message that just says "what you saying"

 

[LaBlonde]

Help, what do you reply to a first message that just says "what you saying"

…….. i don’t

any opening message that is just nonsensical like that doesn’t get a reply from me. i don’t know if that’s harsh but i’m also not a man interpreter so

 

[harveydean]

Help, what do you reply to a first message that just says "what you saying"

Seriously? This is coming from a grown man?

 

[MrsInfortheNose]

first off, props on you for getting back out there

ultimately, i think your general attitude to your date sounds very realistic and very positive - don’t put pressure on yourself, you’re just meeting someone nice for a coffee and seeing how you feel! just go with the flow, and if you’re not feeling it then onto the next. dating can be scary, especially the first one after a long term relationship, but you’ve taken the scariest step in actually arranging the thing! x

Thank you it’s nerve wracking the thoughts. I thought my previous partner was my happy ever after we had just got a house together. I’m worried though as I have just turned 36 and my biological clock is ticking too. In a way I’m still not fully over my ex I still have a little cry every day but I’m making all attempts to get my life back on track.
I know it’s a how long is a piece of string question but how long from any of you lovely ladies experiences did it take to get fully over an ex?

Just go and have fun! I know my first dates after my marriage split were like therapy sessions (poor them!) but it did me the world of good to have a flirt and make an effort.

Most importantly - report back!

Thank you . I will be sure to let you know how it goes. I’ve spoken to him a bit about my break up and he seems so lovely saying that although it doesn’t seem like it now I’ll understand some day why the break up happened.

 

[SpindleWhorl]

Help, what do you reply to a first message that just says "what you saying"

I think you're lucky to have found someone that can string three words together. Last opener I got was "you good"

 

[Clementine]

Thank you everyone You’ve all said what I’ve thought myself. I think I’d just fallen into the natural dynamic we had - me being a prop/consoler/support and it’s only in the last few days I’ve realised and thought WTF am I doing?! I’m filling a wee lonely gap he’s got at the moment and he’s been able to vent about things and will no doubt go about his merry way again with his ex when they inevitably get back together, with me not even being an afterthought. Honestly, it is like I’m on the outside looking in and can see where it’s going.

Am so jaded right now with the males of the species, so don’t even belong on here as I’m not even looking to date anymore.

Mememememememeememe. Sorry

 

[Thank(space)you]

Sorry for interrupting the serious chat with the roadman message
Clementine- you're not all mememe, I can't speak for others but I'm glad you find this thread a support and somewhere you can get non judgemental support from neutral third parties

@MrsInfortheNose good luck you'll know after your date if you are ready to date. Men tend to rebound quicker than women IME. However there's no good that comes from jumping from one person to the next, so be glad you took some time on your own

 

[al255]

Sorry if I’ve missed it but is candyland ok? I went MIA on the threads for a while

 

[Kimmylookatme]

Thank you everyone You’ve all said what I’ve thought myself. I think I’d just fallen into the natural dynamic we had - me being a prop/consoler/support and it’s only in the last few days I’ve realised and thought WTF am I doing?! I’m filling a wee lonely gap he’s got at the moment and he’s been able to vent about things and will no doubt go about his merry way again with his ex when they inevitably get back together, with me not even being an afterthought. Honestly, it is like I’m on the outside looking in and can see where it’s going.

Am so jaded right now with the males of the species, so don’t even belong on here as I’m not even looking to date anymore.

Mememememememeememe. Sorry

Please be kind to yourself Clem. It’s sooo easy to fall back into old dynamics/be desperate to try and establish any kind of new one with the little crumbs we’re given but it’s equally as easy to get filled up with false hope and then anger when, like you say, the ‘why not me’ thoughts start.
Some people aren’t ready yet to receive the kind of love you can clearly give, even to those who you have no obligation to; he’s drawn to the toxicity because he probably has issues he needs to sort, key word being HE. You can’t and don’t need to sort them for him. X

 

[BettyBeau]

d
Bit of background is that we have dated briefly but it was a really bad time for us both, then we stopped speaking for literally a couple of years, and because he’s in my friendship circle we ended up back in touch and have slept together couple of times since and spent time together. We talk every day (he’s not very local) but he’s in the middle of a drawn out divorce and I do feel for him as I don’t think it was ever what he wanted but she’s with someone else so it’s final…you’re right why buy the cow when you can milk it for free …I just really really love him, I’m trying to date and meet new guys but as with Birkenstock guy…that isn’t going so well xx

This sounds my my life 11 years it’s been going on for though