Dating after lockdown #28 It’s not you, it’s dating.

[Londoncailín]

Absolute pr**k.

 

[Universal]

Thank you! You’re a very supportive lovely person

Its not you, its Darren
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I am coming out of lurkerdom to say hi. I am just over 50 and starting to date. The over 50s market is dire. I look younger than my age thanks to genes, sunscreen and botox and cant believe that this is the pool that I am in. Proper grandad territory.

My main highlight has been a profile picture of an old man on a hospital bed, in a hospital gown hooked up to a drip.

 

[D2them]

Its not you, its Darren

Vote for next thread title

 

[Lalla]

Omg do you live in my head!!? I could’ve written this list. I’ll add on ‘anyone who acts helpless or seeks reassurance/ego boosts early in the talking stage.’ Straight up gives me the ick and I’ve noticed loads of men doing it lately, e.g.
me: have you had many dates lately?
him: no none at all, maybe I’m not good enough🥹
Me: well you need to be decisive about what you want
Him: oh I think I’m pretty clear on what I want but I never seem to get anyone interested in me for long

Maybe I’m just getting jaded. Ive recently got back on the apps with the attitude of not making myself smaller and just being myself and not playing down my interests/hobbies (I have a successful career and a good side hustle). The men are really intimidated by me (ladies not so much) and I find it a massive turn off and they usually ghost if I’m not constantly asking questions without them returning the courtesy or feeding their egos. Yuck

It really is those men who are the problem and their fragile egos. Constantly reassuring someone is exhausting, and you know that you'll never get a shred of that reassurance back if you needed it.

Honestly as one of the older (oldest possibly!) posters on this thread, if I could give one piece of advice to any woman, it is never to make yourself smaller. I've done it since I was in my early 20s, and all it ever got me was men who ended up resenting me, feeling intimidated by me - even when I was doing my level best to play down everything I was proud of.

bit of a ranty Ex related me-rail - please feel free to ignore

My Ex, who did love me (although yes he had a pretty shitty way of showing it), did support and encourage me a lot, he wasn't all bad - but even he resented the fact I had more money than him, that I owned a house outright. He always looked at it as though I've had some kind of gilded life, and used to tell me that he'd struggle to live with me because our financial positions were so unequal, like that was my fault.

The reality which he knew, is that I grew up in a council house, we never had much money but my mum had a work pension with death in service benefit and when she died when I was 21, I inherited about £25k. Paid off my student debts and used the remaining £15k for a deposit on my first house. So yes I was 'lucky' to have that lump sum but I would far rather have had my mum still around for longer. I then worked hard, full time even when my kids were little and I never saw them - and thats how I've ended up as I am. Yet far from being proud of me, he just used to moan I had more money. He earns a fair bit more than me, but invests it all in his business to avoid paying tax and CM, which is his choice, but don't make me feel shit for having worked hard!

He almost always pissed on my chips somehow. When I lost loads of weight (and got to BMI normal for the first time since I was in my 20s), he told me I looked better fatter. Well actually what he said was I looked good in clothes, but without clothes I looked worse as my loose skin was 'unattractive'.

I've had a lifetime of people saying don't tell men where you studied, what job you do, because it intimidates them, they find you too much, too opinionated, too difficult. Why is that our problem? Men don't dumb themselves down, or play down their achievements, and outside of romcoms men don't pretend to be poor when they're not

I'm done with it now. If men think the job I do, or me being me, is too much for them, that's absolutely fine and they can step aside and make way for someone better!

 

[Lalla]

Just popping on to say I'm still here - I've not been posting much on this thread because a) I'm still not dating and b) you are all so spot on with your advice I just find myself agreeing with whatever has been written, and there are only so many times I can write - Agreed! - without getting the ick with myself

I went out to bottomless brunch on Saturday in London, had the best time. Afterwards we staggered round a few of my old haunts (like the Maple Leaf which was absolutely packed with men, probably why I used to go there 20 odd years ago )- my friends were like shall we go and speak to some of them for you, specially any that were broadshouldered and bearded as that's kind of my 'thing' - friends are married so were just happy to be my wing women but honestly I didn't want to, was happy just having a man free day out! 8 solid hours of drinking did nothing for my diet but it has really helped my wellbeing

I was saying to my friends that I've always been so independent (this is my dad's teachings - that you don't need to rely on anyone etc!) and it's done me zero favours in life, I'm just expected to get on with anything, whereas a mutual friend of ours is basically useless, and everyone ends up helping her with everything constantly. I've realised at the grand age of 50 that there are no prizes for doing it all - so from now on I'm not. I will be expecting more from men and not picking up the slack or running round after them (unlike my Ex who wouldn't ever help me with anything because I could do it myself/ it wasn't worth his while/ why should he etc - despite me packing up his house for him 3 times when he moved and doing a full clean of it too).

So now I have a wish list for my ideal man (paraphrasing Bridget Jones, no alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, perverts, addicts, misogynists, racists, sexists, meanness in any respect, anyone who thinks Andrew Tate 'makes some good points' or who finds Michael McIntyre in any way amusing). I suspect I may be in for a bloody long wait... But I'm quite liking this new demand more aspect to my personality. It reminds me of how I was when I was 18 before years of shit relationships and awful men ground down my expectations!

 

[MsCurly]

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Dating
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns!” he said.
Into the valley of Dating
Rode the six hundred.

I think Lord Tennyson best describes what modern dating is like in "Charge of the Light Brigade". Be careful out there ladies and gentlemen, I'd rather go into battle than re-activate my Tinder account.

Our thread title has been suggested by the lovely @LaBlonde, but credit must be shared with our @Clementine who shared it originally in one of her posts.
Honourable mention to @Thank(space)you who shared the wise words: "A reheated cuppa never taste the same."

The previous thread can be found here:

Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

once more unto the breach ladies (“the breach” in this scenario being online dating, obvs) thread title from our amazing mozz (@mozzarellagirl) with 11 votes, though an honourable mention to @EddyDarling and “all I want is a fancy hotel bar booze up and a dicking down” because, gosh, isn’t that...

tattle.life

A recap of some of the most-liked comments of the last thread:

1. @Clickbait : If someone does something that you don’t like - says something that upsets you, leaves you on read for ages for no good reason, refuses to commit to a date or a second date, makes you feel uncomfortable/unattractive/awkward, triggers negative emotions or past experiences - particularly after you’ve only just started chatting or had one date then walk away! He could have a penis the size of the Blackpool Tower but he’s still not the right man for you. I wish women wouldn’t waste their time trying to make sense of why men behave the way they do. Sometimes the answer is simply because they are a massive bell end.
2. @EddyDarling who keeps her ticks on when it comes to WhatsApp: I have mine switched on so people know I'm ignoring them because I'm a right cunt X
   Swings and roundabouts innit loves
3. @Thank(space)you who summarized modern day dating with this experience: Was getting on well with a guy on tinder started chatting on WhatsApp and now it comes up in conversation he's a nazi sympathiser doesn't think Hitler was a bad guy, all a conspiracy theory etc fml.
4. @jawidjanqndn who almost fell for this absolute charmer: The last hinge date I went on back in October he ended up getting arrested at the end of the night, got a text around 12 the next day from him saying he’d just got out the cell
5. @xcyber who shared this lovely advice: Tbh you’ve been doing all the chasing. The best way to let him know you’re not interest and show you have standards is to not ever reply to him again. Silence is golden. Actions speak louder than words. And some other cliched yet accurate proverbs!
6. @Lalla who shared this insight: Some men's egos are so incredibly fragile that any rejection is a massive slight, and in their warped mind entitles them to be rude and unpleasant in response.
7. @Agent Cooper's win post-break up: Had the pleasure of bumping into my ex today. Not to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I’ve had a bit of a glow up since we broke up (both looks-wise and personality-wise) and he clearly hasn’t. I can’t say I was happy to see him looking a state, but now I am pretty sure our breakup, messy as it was, was for the better.
8. @LaBlonde who shared some insight into her dating mindset: guys, men truly cannot win with me matched with a guy yesterday, he messaged first, did a bit of small talk, sent me a really long message at lunch today which i didn’t have time to reply to and so thought: hey, i’ll do a proper response when i get home. get home to find two further messages: “how is your day going?” and then, two hours later, “how is your day going, okay?” and now i have the ick
   me: why do men never message me?
   man: messages
   me: oh that’s too much messaging sorry.
9. @D2them who shared a man's profile that simply stated: If we match I'm probably w'@nking over you
10. @Anne1448 who shared the following insight: I don't know why people think that being in a relationship or having a baby before 40 is an accomplishment. All of us could easily be in one by the end of the day. Being in a committed relationship with someone who respects you, values you and respects you is different. We all know married couples who can't stand each other and where the woman is not even getting the bare minimum. Self-respect comes with a price and if that price is being single, I'll happily take it.

 

[harveydean]

Is anyone else planning their hot girl summer? Even though I’m dating casually (only people I know as I’m off the apps, and it’s very casual as it suits me) I’ve been thinking about all the amazing things I’m going to do for ME.

~ take piano lessons
~ take up tennis
~ re-start French lessons
~ continue going to the gym/yoga 3-5 x pw
~ holiday with my daughter
~ go on a hot girl walk daily (started and love it!)
~ hiking weekend with friends
~ weekend festival booked with friends
~ finish my garden so it’s a lovely place to relax in
~ local festivals booked with friends
~ join a local paddle boarding group
~ go bouldering (always wanted to try!)
~ fortnightly manicures

Men need to fit around this. I’m not making room for them as my life is frigging FABULOUS!

 

[Rayne]

I just kept getting the ick more and more with every sentence I wish I could put a picture of him up, he has zero resemblance to Prince Harry (and who would want to look like him anyway )

 

[Rayne]

June is my spirit animal

 

[Rayne]

Wtf, thankfully this was only a few messages in. Went from normal to this in half an hour

 

[mozzarellagirl]

Send him a glitter bomb letter or the shit ones. Or do what some one on the Kate Hayes thread does to her ex keep resetting his password

last year i dated this prick and i mean PRICK! and bc he was balding (hairline AND crown) at the ripe age of 24, I filled in multiple call back forms for hair transplant surgery using his number 🫡

 

[Sprottish]

Legal counsel here (but not in the UK), and I would advise you to report this man ASAP!
If heaven forbid something were to happen to you, he is the first person the police will look at if you've filed a report/complaint. You making them aware of this situation will even give the police more options when it comes to researching him and other actions such as investigations. As sorry as I do feel for the women who are too afraid to report him, I want to emphasize the importance of filing police reports. Without a paper trail, it is very difficult to catch a perpetrator. A lot of pervs/perps get away with heinous (and illegal!) behaviour because women are too scared to report them.

Sprottish, I can't even imagine how much this must have shaken you to your core, and I completely understand your caution. Hopefully you can get some peace of mind. I have a few tips that might help you:

1. Gather evidence of his behaviour. Screenshots, conversations, statements of his behaviour (his sorry is a confirmation of his behaviour!). This will all be important when you file a police report or complaint.
2. Tell the people around you what is going on, and to keep an eye out for you. You need your closest circle to help you feel safe and they may also offer a sense of protection which will help with any anxiety you might be feeling over this.
3. Block him EVERYWHERE after you have collected all information.
4. Lock down your own accounts: make sure your moves and whereabouts cannot be traced online. If you are very visible on profiles of family members or friends, ask them to do the same or to remove traces of you if they do not want to shut down their profiles entirely.
5. If you are up for it (and only if you can handle it), you could let his other victims (the women he has explicit content of) know that you are filing a report and that they have the option to do the same. If you actually file a report you could alert the authorities that there are other serious victims, and the authorities will most likely be very interested in speaking with them, and possibly helping them.
Editted to add 6. Report him on the dating app that led to your first contact. They can ban his IP address for life.

Finally, just as a general reminder for everyone on the thread: mental issues, such as depression and suicidal thoughts are not a Get Out of Jail Free Card when it comes to creepy, disgusting or dangerous behaviour. Always protect yourself first and listen to your instincts.

@Sprottish I hope to see you back on the thread under a different name and I hope you can find some peace. You did absolutely nothing wrong and are taking all the right steps. Take it easy darling

Thank you SO much to you all. MsCurly, your advice is not only so helpful but so kind and wise too. I might use some of these points to show one of the women who is in touch with me what she can do.

Alas, Tattle are not taking new registrants at the moment so here I am. I hope I’m not implicating myself in any way.

I spoke to the police this morning. They took his details, name, number, address. They asked me about my relations with him, if he had pictures of me, what I had seen etc. asked when I last spoke to him and what was said. I explained he knows where I live and that I was a bit concerned. They then advised my local police force would be in touch (he lives in a different area/force to me.) I don’t really know what to expect will happen from here, whether they will go and speak to him, whether I’ll hear any further, if they want evidence etc. I have entire conversations on my phone still from when we first met, nothing im not willing to share and will do so if asked.

I will keep you all posted (if allowed, I’m conscious if this may breach anything) but thank you all for giving me the confidence to make the call. Some really amazing solid advice here which has both reassured me and made me feel validated.

One of the most special places on the internet, this thread. Got me through a lot. Ever grateful x

 

[harveydean]

I’m not sure if anyone remembers, but my friend had been trying to introduce me to her husband’s best friend for over a year. It was difficult to coordinate as he lives 6 hours away, we have kids, we were both dating other people etc. Anyway, she made it clear he wasn’t my usual type (ie narcisstic alphas, alcoholics and gamblers.)

Anyway, in January we finally met - I went with a totally open mind and only knew that he was dubbed a lovely guy (and I knew she wouldn’t set me up with another idiot.) Well as soon as I saw him I really liked him, and over the evening we got in so well- subtle flirting but we have the same sense of humour, and he had me in stitches. We found out we had loads in common, and he suggested I visited so we could do a shared hobby together. Plus he’s really tall, so handsome and very intelligent.

We’ve spoken every day since, and it’s been really chilled and fun. Light flirting but just enjoying getting to know eachother. We actually made plans for a trip away in the summer, and a few other meets to do our hobby, but no talk about romance or anything.

I’ve just arranged with my daughter’s dad for him to have her for a few days next week, which means I get go and visit this guy. We’re so excited, and I’m so nervous. I never get nervous. I’m usually so aloof and meh, whatever. Plus I don’t want to be in a relationship, but I’ll happily have a hot guy to do fun things with during my hot girl summer.

There’s no expectation or pressure - I know we’ll be really good friends regardless as we get on so well. Like I’ll be crying with laughter over the nonsense we talk about and I miss having that with someone so much!

No point to this post apart to say this is the best feeling.

 

[Clickbait]

d
Bit of background is that we have dated briefly but it was a really bad time for us both, then we stopped speaking for literally a couple of years, and because he’s in my friendship circle we ended up back in touch and have slept together couple of times since and spent time together. We talk every day (he’s not very local) but he’s in the middle of a drawn out divorce and I do feel for him as I don’t think it was ever what he wanted but she’s with someone else so it’s final…you’re right why buy the cow when you can milk it for free …I just really really love him, I’m trying to date and meet new guys but as with Birkenstock guy…that isn’t going so well xx

Honestly, and I say this from bitter experience, walk away from this man. He’s made it clear it’s not going to happen (anything other than a yes is a no*) and he’s now proceeding in the vein of ‘I’ll take whatever she’s offering without giving anything (she really wants) back because she knows the score’.

There are very few men who will make the hard break on your behalf if they know they can never give you what you want/need. Many won’t even be honest that they’ll never see you as a GF or wife so he’s one of the better ones. You have to save yourself in these situations.

I can see what you’re doing in your message which is to flirt with photos, sexual innuendo, get him fired up and thinking about you, keeping it friendly and light in the hope things will change/you’ll change his mind. It’s very similar to messages I shared many moons ago with an unattainable man. It won’t change his bottom line. He’s put you in a box labelled ‘fun’ and I think it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever move to ‘relationship material’.

This is not because you’re not worthy of a relationship, it’s just the way that he sees you and where you’ve ended up from your interactions. You can’t change the past but I wonder if you’ve yet tried to re-examine your time together to see if there was something you could have said or done differently to change the outcome? If you haven’t yet you probably will. And that is a pointless and soul-destroying exercise.

You could waste a lot more time on him. You could tell yourself you’re trying to move on by dating other men when in reality you’re comparing them all to him and they’re not measuring up, or you could be kind to yourself and mourn what could have been and then stop torturing yourself by keeping that flame alight. You’re the only one who is getting burned by doing that.

Talking to him every day under the guise of flirty friends is not helpful to you. He can take it or leave it, I really don’t think you can.

*There will always be exceptions to this, but when it comes to men I think this is a good rule of thumb.

 

[SpindleWhorl]

 

[LaBlonde]

June is my spirit animal View attachment 2115625

is it too early to nominate “dating advice: don’t” as our next thread title in june’s honour?!?

 

[harveydean]

I find there’s a common theme of photos (which I avoid) -

- man with dog (may not be his)
- man in suit (generally really old pic, sometimes taken in a hotel room mirror before a wedding - if it’s a Travelodge it’s an immediate no)
- man up Pen Y Fan
- man holding child (may not be his)
- man with mates and/or “wacky” festival shirt


Banter, Sunday walk and a roast dinner, partner in crime.

I’m over it.

 

[Clementine]

Darren can get himself to fuck. No doubt he’d try and excuse that as BaNtEr . Please don’t allow a man named Darren to affect the way you see yourself.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

Hey Tattlers!

I'm back three months after my first ever post in this thread topic with another sh*tty dating experience so, hello everyone once again!

This time I am looking for some advice on how to reframe REJECTION into a positive light.

I don't know about anyone else but I am finding it harder and harder to get back on the horse each time i'm knocked down, I am trying to learn to not let rejection affect my self-esteem, self-confidence, the way I think of myself as a person, my ability to open up and be vulnerable on other dates and most importantly... my bloody motivation for it all! When I experience rejection, I really wanna throw the towel in and it Fs up my whole week/routine because i'm sad wondering what went wrong and why this person think it's ok to act this way when clearly we had something going on.

Long story short, met a really nice guy through bumble, was very attracted to him, we went on a few dates and started sleeping together... it felt great to have consistency, effort and good sex regularly. He gave me nothing but positive vibes and at some stages was more interested in it than me. I told him I was happy to see where things went whilst being casual sex partners with each other and he wanted the same. This went on for three months, then all of a sudden he's gone!

His last message was very typical of him just trying to arrange a time to come over and see me before I went away on a family holiday, I told him to come over at 9pm once the kids were in bed... no response. He read it and didn't even reply to say something like 'actually i'm not available now because of XY&Z etc...' nothing! I actually wondered if he had been in an accident or something because it was so out of character .

I didn't hear from him during the whole trip which was weird so I reached out and said im confused, is something up, are you ok etc? He read it and no reply!

So now I know his behaviour is intentional and he is indeed still alive, I just cannot understand why people don't communicate properly about what is up.

Most of these dating websites and podcasts lead us to believe rejection happens for many reasons and it's not always down to us lol but can't help but think what have I said or done wrong? How do you all stay motivated when this happens and what is the best way to deal with it? If your answer is to get back out there and meet someone else, I am really lacking interest and motivation.
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How often does this happen and how long for? Have you noticed any patterns like over weekends/bank holidays/certain times of the year etc?

Men are such cowards. For people who never shut the fuck up, they sure don't say anything when it matters.

 

[mozzarellagirl]