Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

[xcyber]

Quoting myself sorry! So I just had this gut feeling, asked him and he said he enjoys chatting and the dates but he doesn’t see it going anywhere else and he’s sorry. Knew it was too good to be true, feel sad. Do I want to be friends with him? I dunno I feel it’s odd, had too many wines sorry probably not making sense

This is why we should always trust our gut! Don’t feel sad, be glad you clocked on early on. And NO you don’t want to be his friend. Say ‘Cool, I could feel the spark wasn’t there. I wish you all the best with the dating! Take care x.’ Then block him and on to the next!

 

[Wowitsme]

I don't know why people think that being in a relationship or having a baby before 40 is an accomplishment. All of us could easily be in one by the end of the day.

Being in a committed relationship with someone who respects you, values you and respects you is different. We all know married couples who can't stand each other and where the woman is not even getting the bare minimum.

Self-respect comes with a price and if that price is being single, I'll happily take it.

I do think there is an issue with society where having a child and getting married is more celebrated than having a degree or finishing your masters/phd etc

 

[xcyber]

I tell her because if the tables were turned I would want to know. This week I genuinely thought they broke up and mine and his conversations got really deep then when he slipped up I thought it was a bit off the way our conversation was and when I asked my mate about it she said she would flip if she knew her boyfriend was saying the things he was saying and to be honest I only wanted closure from

But in that same vain, if you had the same girl messaging you repeatedly every time your bf spoke to her you’d probably think ‘this girl seems a little obsessed with my bf and clearly wants him’. People do and think what they want in relationships and you should leave them to it and extract yourself from the situation.

You were FWB, you’ve said you don’t want him. You said you don’t feel anything about the situation now which is great so I think for everyone’s sake block him and never speak to him again. X

 

[Clementine]

Our conversation was about hair - Irish hair in particular. To then follow it up with how big his penis is…like, are you ok mate?! What in the world made you think that was the perfect moment to let me know that?!

The thing is, I absolutely love (good) sex and it makes me sad I don’t get to enjoy it on a regular basis. I’m not going to plaster that all over Tinder though or mention my vulva about 2 messages in. The absolute crassness and heavy handed approach of these bloody dicks for brains means I do not want to be in the same vicinity as their penises (big or small).

Frustrating.

 

[al255]

al i’m honestly proud of you (and you should be too) - you’ve made a decision that is right for you and means you can continue to maintain your own time. sending you but also

thanks all! It got to the point where he was getting controlling over things, he expected to be invited to days out with me and my daughter when I made it clear I don’t want that yet, he expected to be invited on holidays too. I know his ex really well and we are friends, she said to me lastnight he used to make her feel guilty when she had a life, and when she went out with her mates he used to ask her when she would be home etc.

The final straw for me was yesterday when he wasn’t listening to a word I was saying, we had put a deposit down for Hoseasons for July for a weekend and it’s £215 each, anyway, I told him I don’t think we should go and just leave it but go out for the day instead as £215 to check in at 4pm and have to be out on the Sunday at 10am to me isn’t worth £215 when I’ve got other jobs I want to do in my house and decorate my daughters bedroom, buy all new internal doors, other bits and bobs.

Anyway, he told me we could look at another Hoseasons when I’d told him continuously that I didn’t want to go away for the weekend, I’d rather we just went out for the day. He told me “we could find somewhere cheaper” after I’d told him I don’t want to go away. He said “is it me you don’t want to go away with” and I said no I just want to spend £215 on my house and he moaned and said what about him, he was looking forward to it all and I’ve got my priorities wrong.

He then asked me if he could give me a lift to meet my friends for tea and I said I was driving and doing a food shop after we’d been out for tea and he kept asking me, he just kept saying I can give you a lift. Yet again NOT listening to me.

His ex said he was very controlling with her and hated it when she went out with her friends and he would make her feel guilty. He used to get annoyed at me when I wouldn’t see him for 30 mins of an evening inbetween him finishing football and me going to bed / winding down. I am glad I’m single, there’s been a lot of stuff I’ve said where he hasn’t listened and he’s tried to control the narrative. Red flags! His ex said “cos he comes across nice nobody would believe it” and it’s very true.

 

[LaBlonde]

once more unto the breach ladies (“the breach” in this scenario being online dating, obvs)

thread title from our amazing mozz (@mozzarellagirl) with 11 votes, though an honourable mention to @EddyDarling and “all I want is a fancy hotel bar booze up and a dicking down” because, gosh, isn’t that what we all want right now

anyway:

some more men for the bin last thread, have now upgraded this to an island of rubbish just off the south wales coast so let me know if anyone needs adding.

remember, you’re all amazing

 

[Clementine]

Did his profile not give any indication that he was a deceitful fuckwit? Bet it doesn’t because he didn’t want to ‘be judged’

I had this charmer yesterday

 

[EddyDarling]

That's definitely the kind of answer he wanted

 

[Londoncailín]

Puke.

 

[Belle123]

@al255 Well-done for seeing the signs and for trusting yourself x

As an aside, what’s everyone’s experience with self-confessed ‘nice guys’? On the two occasions where they described themselves as a ‘nice guy’, they were anything but….

A recent example I can give is the man I posted about late last year. He wanted to make out he was a nice man/gentleman, and a complete victim of his ex wife’s bad behaviour, but he was a lovebombing, controlling arsehole. Because I wouldn’t sleep with him quickly, he ended things. A lot of things happened in a short space of time - it all made my head spin - but an example was him making comments about me being able to use his phone whenever I wanted to - meaning he wanted access to mine in return - and he’d expect me to let him know when I’d got home from work etc. This was all within the first week! He’d say “let me know you’re home safe, please” and I’d be thinking “umm, you didn’t even know me a week ago, so I don’t think so!”. He messaged me after I deliberately didn’t say I was home, to test his reaction. I knew he’d check I was home Some might think he was being sweet. No he wasn’t. He wanted to know my movements, and my movements were none of his business after one week of knowing me!

This insidious behaviour was sandwiched with comments like “you’re so beautiful” and “I can’t believe how good our connection is”. All compelling stuff for more vulnerable women. Once, he mimicked my voice and mocked me. I was stunned. It wasn’t funny, it was mean. I started to feel sad for his ex wife. I noticed as the week wore on that he was prepared to criticise her endlessly to me. Given the mocking of me, I dreaded to think what sort of behaviour he’d shown her before they split up. I wish I could warn others about him - need a trip advisor for dating!

Basically, the ones who reckon they’re “nice” are insecure, needy, controlling and not good news if you want a healthy relationship!

 

[IGiveUp22]

I actually think men do this to see how much we’d put up with ya know.
There’s only so many chances/benefit of the doubt you can give a person before you need to think - nah you’re just a knob

I’m due on my period so I hate everyone at the minute & I’ve now suddenly got angry over the guy I last posted about. I just think who the hell are you to disturb my peace.

 

[Hi there]

I just knew as soon as I (unintentionally and quickly) wrote to him about being busy at work he was going to say something sexual… this is someone I matched with at 11 this morning and here we are at 18:00….

 

[Noseymama18]

I’ve been on a couple of dates with someone and he’s invited me round to his house this week, thing is I’m on my period. I really want to see him this week so thinking of suggesting going for a drink this week and going to his next week but how do I say this? Is it silly I don’t want to tell him I’m on my period? I know we all do it but I don’t wanna tell him

I had this with the last man I dated in November. It was on the cards for him to come to mine after our last date, but I came on my period a couple of days before the date. It got to date night and we was in his car at the end of the date and I said I would invite you in but I’m on my period so nothing can happen. He pulled a face like a little boy, as if to say ew , this is a 38 year old man and I took that as a red flag for immaturity. He came in anyway and we had a good old smooch but nothing else. No surprise to say nothing progressed with this man for the usual reasons
I would just tell him

 

[IGiveUp22]

Just seen your edit
Today I’ve been liked by a chap with a gold front tooth

Could be worse, you could have gone on a date with a guy knowing he had a good front tooth because you didn’t wanna come across as superficial
(I was going through a bad time okay)

It resulted how you can probably imagine - he confessed he’d been in jail & paid using fake £20 notes & told me he was using fake notes as well

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I've seen a fair few friends today. A couple whose resentment of each other (he's a sleaze & lech and as older is facing the fact his dick is becoming obsolete) and she's someone who needs space and can't get it.
Another is a 25 year old who's wondering why her life seems to be going nowhere as her friend just got engaged.
The third one is 84 and last year lost her dearest husband. They were married 62 years and she's lost without him.
I'm only sharing as I think it's so easy to look around and compare yourself and imagine you're coming up short but really most of these peoples opinions are meaningless in the great scheme of life.
I forget which poster said they were thinking of going it alone having a child. I wanted to say all the best to you. I brought up my son entirely alone and the only really bad moments were when I tried to bring a man into the picture! Like our Dear Mozzarella Queen, I kind of loathe men, except for a few.

 

[BWGossip]

Don't know if I'm having a bit of a quarter-life crisis but I kinda want to go back into dating! So I went to the library to work, instead of staying home, and I spent two tea breaks with some guy chit-chating/flirting. Thankfully, they weren't creepy or said anything gross, it was kinda lovely . I've been out of sort lately, because of health problem, but today I felt more human.

I think the sweet stories about work crushes inspired me

 

[MsCurly]

Curly you’re killing it! Tell us your secrets.

Haha, it might say more about the type of men that I date than it does about me.
The first proposal was from a guy I’d describe as a puppy. Very devout Christian boy, and the church deems marriage to be important, so the area where I’m from most people get married at a young age. He thought he was ready and I was scared shitless. I couldn’t do it, because I didn’t want a life where I’d be a stay at home mum to a small football team. Traditional life isn’t really for me. At the time I thought I was in love with the young man in question, but in hindsight we were both doing what we thought we were supposed to do, and love wasn’t really that important. He got married a few months later to a lovely girl. They have a loveless marriage, but they both seem content.

The second proposal came from a guy that love bombed me for an entire year. 🥲 He was a finance bro living it up in London and he treated me like a princess. When he proposed I told him I had to think about it, and then when I didn’t want to tell anyone about his proposal, I realised he wasn’t the guy for me.

The almost marriage was my Big Love, the man who almost shattered me completely when he ended things. I would have married him, despite the fact that there were issues in that relationship. I loved him more than anything, but looking back on it now, it would have been the worst mistake of my life. I’ve grown so much since that breakup, that I don’t even recognise the woman that would have said “I do” to him.

So, now the main question. Why did I get these proposals? I think it’s because I am always very clear with my intentions when it comes to dating. I tell men that I’m dating to marry and not just to mess around. I am quite strict with my privileges, boyfriends get treated differently than fiancés, etc. I expect the men I date to make an effort, and if they don’t put in the effort I’m gone. My life is too busy to just be casual about it all, because I simply don’t have a lot of time. So, when I date, I have a goal. I don’t necessarily have a strict timeline (it takes X dates until we’re intimate etc) but I am strict with my dates in the sense that they have to conquer me. I’m a bit more traditional in that sense, but it’s what I prefer.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Well speed dating went well, there was a couple of guys I liked however my sister like them too. I said I've got dibs as I've been single 3 years ish she's been single 2 months but I made it clear to everyone she was my sister so hopefully they didn't match us both! Will let you know if I had any matches for who i liked who like me back.

Was a fun evening

 

[Anne1448]

I'm with @mozzarellagirl on this.

Please don't praise men for doing the bare minimum because some of us have to deal with the remnants of it.

 

[EndofInfluencers]

Thank you all for your lovely, witty replies! I seem to have gotten myself in a situation with my ex, going on the dating site was me trying to move on! We split 2 years ago after a very short physical relationship, anyway long story short we are back in touch and have chatted for a month before we ended up sleeping together a couple of weeks ago and last Friday…I told him let’s just be friends because I know the minute he thinks I want more he will cut and run. He’s in the middle of a messy divorce and isn’t consistent. Last Friday we drank so much I have very little recollection of anything post 11pm and he was a bit offish in the morning and very quiet this week, I’m scared I said something stupid I don’t remember
Bit of context, big age gap hes 55 and in my friendship group, didn’t meet him online but Jesus Mary mother of Christ am I hopelessly stupidly in love with that man I have waited 2 years in my head to hope I’d see him again, hearing bits about him every so often from friends…I’m a total idiot, I know…just no one makes me feel the way he does 🥲🥲

If I’m being brutally honest, I don’t think this situation will serve you well and you really need to persevere with meeting others- whether that be via dating apps or otherwise. If you can, try and treat him as another option that you have- but it’s evident that you’re understandably too invested in him. I just don’t want to see you wasting possible opportunities to meet someone else, as so many of us have done x