Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

[svdwoodsen]

Office crush added me on LinkedIn at midnight last night. Why was he scrolling around on LinkedIn at such a late hour? Maybe I'm not the only one having fantasies about me being bent over the office printer

 

[Clementine]

I’m surprised he didn’t state his medical advice was to “drain his balls” beforehand….

SORRY SORRY SORRY. Can I just stop knowing men at this point? Can that be a thing?…

 

[EddyDarling]

Ok so I said again, I don’t think this is going to work, you’re being really vague etc anc I got this (scribbled out my workplace!) for context I work quite long hours is what hes referring to. The city he lives in I used to commute to daily, it’s 40 miles each way xx
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I know they’re always texting, attentive, interested before you shag them!! Then right after, you wait for the tumbleweed to arrive how do we get around that?

Oh god just tell him to fuck off and get a clue. And a lemsip.
What a moany bastard.

 

[Peppermint Tea]

can we hear more??

I’m not sure where to even start! There were red flags popping up all over the place!

We’d been messaging for a couple of weeks before he asked me out on a date, and he seemed nice. During one of our chats, he told me that he’s taking some time out from work at the moment to support his mum following his dad’s death. Me, perhaps being a little naive, assumed that he must have died recently. It came up in conversation on the date, and it turns out that it was actually several years ago and he’s just not worked since. It didn’t sound like he had any intention of ever going back to work either.

Once we’d eaten, he started checking his phone every few minutes. I don’t know if I’d looked a bit annoyed or something, but he apologised and explained that he was waiting for his mum to text and tell him what time his lift home would be. We’d met in a part of town with lots of bars and restaurants, and it turned out his mum had brought him & then gone to have a meal somewhere down the road before taking him home. It only occurred to me when I was on my way home that he’d paid for everything in cash the whole evening, which made me wonder if his mother had actually given him money to go on a date!

At one point during the evening, he’d told me that he was ‘prolific’ on Instagram. He has quite an unusual name, so I was easily able to find him when I got home. He has just over 200 followers & mainly posts Donald Trump quotes!

This is a bloke in his mid thirties! He gave me this big spiel about how he treats all women how he’d want his sister to be treated, so he never ghosts anyone after a date, if he doesn’t want to see them again he’s honest with them, blah blah blah. Surprise, surprise, I haven’t heard from him since!

 

[timtams]

I’ve been in and out of these threads a bit over the last year or two, and also read along regularly. Last year I got some really amazing advice/perspectives/support that helped me to see how clear it was that I needed to end a really shitty relationship that was making me feel so so awful about myself.

I did a bit of online dating, then took a couple of months break because I was feeling down about it and wanted to focus on me, and then tried again. And, about 8 weeks ago online I met this guy who seems so amazing, so many green flags. He is very caring and kind, and he always asks me about things and remembers little things about me and my son, and checks in about them (he hasn’t met my son obviously, just from stuff I tell him).

He knows my confidence is low from all my past shit show relationships (I didn’t go in to detail but just a little about my most recent ex, as well as my sons dad, so that he can understand me better). He reassures me but is not clingy or full on, after we spend time together he always messages me the next day saying what a good time he had and how much he enjoys spending time with me, and then when we make our next plans he always says he’s looking forward to it.

He’s flexible around my very limited kid free time, but also understanding that I want to see friends or do something alone sometimes. He makes it clear that he would like to see me, but doesn’t pressure me at all. He communicates well, and he always cleans up after we have dinner etc even though we’re always at my house (I live alone and he doesn’t). He messages me to wish me a good day, or to say he hopes X goes well today at work (usually something that I’ve briefly mentioned that he’s somehow remembered - I can’t even remember my own schedule, let alone someone else’s!)

He doesn’t have any kids but he would like them (I’d love more) which makes it a lot simpler than trying to blend families. And he’s affectionate, and it just feels so good after my last relationship had no affection at all, apart from when he was trying to initiate sex. We haven’t slept together and he hasn’t pushed that at all, I think he can sense that I’m a bit guarded and wanting to take things slow.

I honestly just feel like it’s too good to be true, but then it is actually happening. Like I don’t think I have rose-coloured glasses, I think he is really like this and he is really interested in me (which is huge, for me to feel this secure - I don’t think I ever have). It’s still very early days obviously, who knows what will happen, but I guess I just wanted to share that it seems that there are some decent humans left out there! I’ve had so much time being single, and so many bad relationships, I feel like I don’t deserve this. But it is somehow happening!

 

[Ohnoshebettadont]

Long story short (if you need anymore info just ask)
It’s been 23 months since me and my old fwb spoke. He got a girlfriend while we were still talking and I found her when I found out and told her since then no contact but last Sunday on Mother’s Day he messaged me saying he knows today is hard and he couldn’t stop thinking about me. We spoke for a week it was like nothing happened the conversations were a lot deeper and personal anyway he ended up blowing himself up and mentioned his girlfriend so I went looking to tell her about this.
Since then he’s blocked me again and they’re still together.
Anyway, my thing is this time round i just don’t seem to bothered it and very chilled. I feel at peace this time round and I don’t have any feeling over him coming back or not. Im quite worried and scared about this because normally I do have an inkling but nothing.

Pics of part of the last chat me and him had

This man is wasting everyone’s time for an ego boost. Block him

So the man who told me he just wants to be friends cos he found someone else plus the distance is messaging again like normal and I'm an idiot I'm replying. Same energy as it was before and he mentioned meeting up to celebrate some job news but instantly told me no kissing .
If we're meant to be friends of course thered be no kissing.

Tell him you’re no longer interested and block him. He’s using you for an ego boost with no commitment and playing with your emotions. Don’t let him hurt you!
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I have no revenge for him, like childhood wise I seen how much cheating can hurt someone it’s what lead to the dv stuff in my childhood so too me it’s like snitching is the way to go because no one did that in the other part like I’m disappointed in him and let down but I don’t have any I need revenge on him. I don’t even want him

I’m just shocked at how unbothered I seen by it all this time round and at peace over it all. Like last time I had a feeling he’ll come back even know I thought logically he won’t but this time round I don’t have no feeling or logic to it I’m taking it as a good thing but still wary and scared as it’s the first time I’ve never had intuition over it all

sorry to be harsh but if you were unbothered you wouldn’t be posting about it This man is trash do not let him occupy your mind for another day

 

[xcyber]

Hey, so have lurked on this thread for ages and love how supportive everyone is so thought I’d reach out. I was scared for a long time to put myself back out there but have been on dating sites since Christmas (bumble and hinge) and just feeling deflated. Strap yourselves in..

Ghosted by 1st guy I was talking to. Knew him through friends anyway, lots in common, talking for few weeks over Xmas. Met twice. Second date had sex at mine, minutes after sex told me he didn’t want a relationship, planned on moving to be closer to his children literally as we laid there. Didn’t hear from him again. Found him 2 weeks later on hinge (met on bumble) and his prompt was (it’s nice to be important but more important to be nice). I sent him a like and told him he might need to work on that. Cue a long WhatsApp apologising for not being in touch and how stressed he’s been. I replied telling him not an excuse, you don’t sleep with someone then don’t message them again. He didn’t reply.

2nd guy we were texting/ talking on phone for 2 weeks and planned a fun date day. Ended up meeting for a quick drink week before this as he had plans and wanted to meet sooner and we live 30 miles away. We got on well and was still up for a second date. He started to give me the slow fade pretty much immediately, this was someone who was a self proclaimed nice guy and who was always honest. Called him out a few days later after the slow fade and he said he now wasn’t sure about the distance (45 mins) but he knew this when we arranged the second date and said he just wanted to be honest. I said you weren’t being that honest as I had to ask you how you were feeling as you’d stopped texting so much. He responded by saying he was sorry he changed his mind, acting like I was massively into him when I just liked him enough to see how a second date would go. I said no worries, he then replied saying although he didn’t want a second date he would be up for meeting for sex on our planned date day as he had nothing else planned. Distance clearly not an issue for that then! Immediately called him out and he told me it was a joke and he forgot to put the laughing face emoji. Yeah right.

Then third guy I was chatting with before 2nd guy, but didn’t initially like him that much. Conversation was very polite but he seemed nice and like he had his shit together. Didn’t overly message and wasn’t throwing compliments my way all the time. After 3 weeks of messaging we met for a drink - had no expectations but we had a great night, he was quite quiet but fun and we got really drunk, he ended up staying at mine, and stayed until the next night, just chilling on the sofa. Felt really comfortable with him. Carried on messaging and arranged the next date straight away (few weeks away as he has his children most weekends and works away half the week) but still messaged everyday. He then invited me to his 2 weeks later on a Mon night for food and a film. He messaged day of saying he had a last min job interview next morning, I was like here we go, but he just wanted to reschedule to the next night. Had a lovely evening, Messaging increased and was much more flirty and we were getting on really well.

I went away that weekend and ended up going to see him the night I got back. Everything was great, stayed the night which I didn’t plan on, great sex, he was very affectionate (know this is sickening but held me all night, kissing/stroking me). I left in the morning and he was like no don’t go, and I said see you Sat yeah (our original planned 2nd date) and he said yeah definitely. Massive smile on his face.

Messaged him the next day and he said he’d had a shit day at work the day before so had taken a sick day that it’s really dragging him down. Very open that he hated his job/ boss. But he asked how I was and what I was up to. I replied, he didn’t read it for nearly a day and then replied a day later asking if we could reschedule our weekend date as he’d been feeling really down all week because of his job and was going to see his parents to try and shift his mood. I knew this was a bad sign but he only gets 1 weekend from his kids and I definitely am anxiously attached. As he’d been so refreshingly adult and gentleman like I thought it was me being overly anxious so I said of course, hope he felt better soon and I never heard from him again.

I messaged him 5 days later when I saw he was online and said he could’ve shown my some respect and been honest with me instead of ghosting and that he seemed better than that. He read it and didn’t reply.

These are all men in their late 30s/ early 40s with professional jobs and young children. I don’t understand how they cannot send 1 message to say sorry not feeling it anymore. The first two it is what it is and could tell it wasn’t right but this last guy has really upset me. 8 weeks of messaging, met up 3 times, twice at his and I don’t even deserve a message to say he’s changed his mind. I know it’s on him and not me but has really hurt. This was a couple of weeks ago now but I hate he’s left me questioning myself.

All these guys are absolute shits. But I love that you called them all out and don’t seem to be too hung about them. It’s awful to have these experienced and I can guarantee every single of us on this thread has experienced the same. Which just proves it’s not US but it’s the increasingly shit behaviour from these so called men on apps. The one thing they all have in common is that they’re cowards.

 

[LaBlonde]

I just knew as soon as I (unintentionally and quickly) wrote to him about being busy at work he was going to say something sexual… this is someone I matched with at 11 this morning and here we are at 18:00….

this is but the “he’s 2” like he remembered to politely answer your question after saying he wants to tie you up is killing me

nothing nothing nothing gives me the ick more than a needless jump into sexual talk. especially in the middle of what looked like a perfectly nice conversation.

 

[Thank(space)you]

A reheated cuppa never taste the same

 

[User_name_100]

I split with my partner just before Xmas and feel like I could start dating again. Just dipping my toe in but bloody hell the apps are still as shit as ever!

I matched with a guy, we started talking and took it to WhatsApp. All going well and had a date sorted for tomorrow, just a drink and a walk.

He decided to drop the bombshell this afternoon that he has a girlfriend but she won't mind. Um what?? He felt he had to tell me 'in case things went further'.



I'm pissed off because I actually really liked the idea of him.

I called the date off and he got a bit arsey so he's been blocked.

I'm sure I'll have more stories to come!!

 

[Clementine]

I just knew as soon as I (unintentionally and quickly) wrote to him about being busy at work he was going to say something sexual… this is someone I matched with at 11 this morning and here we are at 18:00….

Honestly, what are men at this point?! A hex on all of them. Why do they always have to lead with their penis?!

 

[LaBlonde]

Maybe I'll dress nicely on Monday as well just to tease him a bit

serena, aren’t you married too though? (from your earlier post?) - what are you wanting to gain here?

workplace crushes are fun and all but i would feel a little sad if my partner was deliberately picking outfits etc to tease their crush.

apologies if i’m misjudging a joking tone though

 

[LaBlonde]

i’m just sick of trying to drag small talk out of grown men tbh. situation is dire. matched with a guy on bumble who has multiple photos of him playing the drums on his profile. i said, as you do, oh wow you play the drums, i always wanted to learn etc etc. he replied “who says i play? photos can be deceiving ” i was like “……… so, do you or not?”

i am unmatching as soon as the chat gets bad at this point (which i should have done way earlier) and so i have unmatched about seven guys since sunday. no one can talk about things they actually have on their profile

 

[Dogtanian]

Maybe he doesn’t want to show you his wife and two kids living in the house?

 

[AFlyOnYourWall]

Hahaha belter could you imagine if women did the same after matching with a guy?
“Just to let you know my tuna canoe is pretty tight”

 

[User_name_100]

I know I said this in a previous post but men have a funny way of keeping your number for years then suddenly reappearing again

I've literally just had a text from a guy I went on a few dates with around two years ago (can't remember exactly when). I think we went on three dates and he called it off shortly after as he didn't feel a spark. Fair enough, I was a little upset but got over it. We never spoke again.

Two years later, today, he fucking texts me saying he misses me. What the actual fuck!!!

 

[LaBlonde]

guys, i have completed bumble. i have seen every eligible in south wales and it’s a frankly distressing state of affairs.

i have apparently also completed hinge and it’s now asking me to “review skipped profiles”?! i skipped for a reason lads, leave me alone (it’s basically saying hello, are you now feeling desperate and drained enough to look at these men you previously passed on?)

 

[Clementine]

“It’s not you, it’s dating” Next thread title?

She’s said on her stories (lalalaletmeexplain) that she’d opt out of dating but she had a high sex drive and this is something I really struggle with too. Intimacy (and being dicked down!) is something I really crave and makes my world feel better when I do have it, but then finding consistent good sex is so bloody difficult. It’s like a lot of men still have that Madonna/whore complex and they can’t quite come to terms with respecting a woman who likes pleasure.

 

[Clementine]

Saw this and thought of us

 

[IGiveUp22]

Honestly @drewydrop its going to sound very cliche but it’s not you, it’s them. And sadly, it’s the vast majority of them. Just allow yourself to go through the motions and the hurt. It’s absolutely normal for you to feel down and to sadly question yourself. But please please just ride the motions and you’ll be out the other end in no time.
maybe just forget dating for a bit and concentrate on doing things to make you feel better about you x