Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

[Wowitsme]

also currently at lunch listening to two of my work colleagues discuss dating and how, at their ages (39), if you haven’t been in a long term relationship or have kids, then there’s probably “something wrong” and they won’t be interested so feeling amazing about myself rn

edit: okay i know i used the emoji but am genuinely quite upset by it. i already feel behind so many people my age and i guess it’s horrible hearing it actually confirmed out loud (not for the first time).

This is super annoying, I know you don’t have children but I’ve had this said to me by a male as I was single 8-10 years I lost count lol after my relationship broke down and just focused on career, child and life. I did meet someone and we are close to 2 years now even though it’s been a rocky road to adjust from being single into a relationship 🫠.

There is this terrible notion that without a partner you are just waiting to be caught when in reality women can have very fulfilling lives when single and are very attractive to a future partner. People do project their insecurities and try to bring people down when they live a life that they themselves do not understand.

Women who have standards and set the bar high are far more desirable than someone having relationships every 5-10 minutes like it has seen. Equally why would anyone choose to stay in a relationship that you are unhappy in, what a waste of a life.

 

[Kas01980]

I went through a Tinder phase in 2019..I met up with someone id been chatting to, and eventually met up, went out to some pubs, went and had something to eat etc. NOTHING past friendship happened. So the day after I never heard anything from him. Got a bit concerned and in a way missed him because he was absolutely hilarious. after a couple of days until he finally replied and told me he wasn't at a good point in his life, he said that shortly before we started chatting he'd been diagnosed with colon cancer. His messages because less and less and told me he'd been undergoing chemo. Then he said he had been given a diagnosis of having weeks left to live. Never heard from him again.

Anyway,( and you couldn't make this up) about six months ago someone I know on Facebook changed their profile pic and it had a pic of her and her boyfriend. It was none other than my Tinder date. I messaged her and we ended up chatting on Messenger for a while. Long story short, he'd never had cancer. I was absolutely baffled that if he didn't want to stay in touch, then to say so! It's not like there was anything romantic between us. Instead to tell such a shitty lie that stretched out over a week

My days of Tinder are well and truly over because after that I met my ex who I lived with for a year. He ended up being an out and out psychopath, mental, emotional abuse mainly, textbook narcissist gaslighter

It took me a while to get used to it but I'm happy alone now. I'm the most peaceful mentally I've ever been and can never envisage another relationship. Tinder or not

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Chatting to a match on bumble. He made a comment about me getting through some batteries as it’s been a while since my last relationship/date unmatch.

 

[LaBlonde]

UPDATE, so he won't come out because he's hungover, twice now I've been stood up.

I don't know how to tell him to just go, this is so crap and feels like I'm having the piss took outta me

Is it best to be blunt with it? Or just be a simple, I don't think this is fair on me etc.
Ironic I actually believed him when he said he matured lol

Going through enough as it is, just feel so let down by him.

literally, with my whole chest, every inch of my heart, END WHATEVER THIS IS.

he is messing you around, being inconsiderate and dismissive of you and your time, has stood you up twice. you don’t owe him an explanation, block him on everything that you can and don’t engage, he has treated you badly and disrespectfully.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I do have some advice after all. If you're feeling left out, go on the relationship board on mumsnet. It will have you humming sweet freedom very quickly.

 

[Lalla]

I think his response when you tell him will tell you a lot about him.

In my experience some men will be like 'no problem, I just want to spend time with you' but for me they've been a tiny minority - or possibly I've just been unlucky! The more typical response has been a facepull/ grimace, that it 'wasn't worth' seeing me this week in that case, or a personal low point, the one who said 'well your hand still works doesn't it?'
Christ some men are a disgrace. I'd love to tell you I ignored those various warning signs but I didn't.
I am older and wiser now though (and also menopausal so it's one problem I no longer have!)

 

[Lalla]

Nah I think it's been a problem before OF came about! I remember blokes trying to invite themselves over on POF when I was on there (this is like 7 or 8 years ago!)

Agreed, this was true on POF way back in 2010-11 when I first dabbled with the dating site world (in the days before dating apps). I lost count of the number of first messages I got which asked if I wanted sex/ said I looked 'up for it', the ones who sent dick pics, or offered to come over to my house for some fun (ugh) etc.

Sadly the majority of men have always been lacklustre, lecherous and lacking in integrity.

Whenever I think of men online, I'm reminded of one of the lines from Much Ado about Nothing (which I studied for A level and 30 odd years on is still stuck in my brain!)
Men were deceivers ever,
one foot in sea and one on shore,
to one thing constant never

Shakespeare wasn't wrong

 

[Clementine]

Oh FFS. Why can’t they stop themselves?! Sleazy motherfuckers. I got out of my comfort zone and set my age range higher. This geezer is 53

 

[Clementine]

It is 2023, right?

 

[Clementine]

The only way I want to hear nice coming out of a man’s mouth is if he’s offering me a biscuit.

It’s like people who describe themselves as funny. They never are. The actual nice guys I’ve known would literally cringe if they were to state they were nice.

 

[LaBlonde]

Hello lovely people… in need for your thoughts, I matched with someone this afternoon and within few chats he told me about his surgery tomorrow and what for? Is that normal? tmi? Help please… I’ll attach the chat convo.

THIS AFTERNOON?!?!?!

edit: sorry, had to get that out of my system but, girl, this afternoon. he went straight in with: want you to invite me over, btw i have a prostate tumour so can’t shag for three weeks though hope this isn’t a problem. we are better than this!!

 

[IGiveUp22]

I actually find it quite weird that is appears majority of men don’t want a woman that has a her shit together?? It’s bizarre.

 

[Peppermint Tea]

Morning Ladies, hope you’re all well. I’ve had a bit of a confusing and upsetting week. Around Christmas time I was seeing a guy I’d met on Hinge, there was no spark for either of us but we really got on & had loads in common so we decided to be friends. We’ve hung out a few times as friends, and it’s always been fun and completely platonic. Last Sunday he invited me round to his to watch the football, and I went along expecting to do just that. Pretty soon after I got there he put his arm around me and kissed me, and said ‘sometimes it takes me a while to figure out what I want’. We spent the whole afternoon kissing and cuddling, but luckily it didn’t go any further than that because I recently had minor surgery and I currently have a painful wound with stitches in it. Anyway, based on how he was behaving and the things he was saying, I left his place feeling that it seemed like he wanted to give the dating thing a try. I thought why not? He’s nice and we get on really well, got to be worth giving it another go given the shocking state of affairs on the apps at the moment. Then I didn’t hear from him for two whole days, so I was pretty confused. Rather than wait around wondering, I messaged him to say that I was confused about what had happened, and did he want to give the dating thing a try again or did he still just want to be friends. Took him ages to respond, and when he finally did he said that he’d really enjoyed Sunday but he was just craving affection because he was depressed and he only sees it as a friendship!

To say I was fuming would be an understatement! I sent him a really frank message which said that I didn’t appreciate him using me to satisfy a temporary craving, and that it wasn’t how I expected a friend to treat me. He has been very apologetic, but I’m not sure whether the friendship will survive. Thank God we didn’t end up sleeping together, because there’d have been no question of salvaging the friendship if we had. I just despair of ever finding someone, because it seems that even the ‘nice guys’ really only think with their knobs!

 

[LaBlonde]

@al255 Well-done for seeing the signs and for trusting yourself x

As an aside, what’s everyone’s experience with self-confessed ‘nice guys’? On the two occasions where they described themselves as a ‘nice guy’, they were anything but….

any man who willingly describes himself as a “nice guy” is never a nice guy in my experience!

they give me worse vibes and more red flags than any other kind of men tbh. i know we get the ick over the overly sexual bants types here (understandably!) but at least they’re making you aware who they are from the start. nice guys just slowly ignore your boundaries and make you feel like the weird one because why wouldn’t you be interested or why are they making you feel a bit off, they’re such a nice guy. no thank you!

 

[LaBlonde]

What's your opinion on telling friends etc when you have a date?

in the halcyon days when i was full of hope and optimism about dating, almost immediately.

now that i am old and bitter, i plan to tell no one until i’ve convinced the man to marry me. only then will people know i was on the apps.

in seriousness though, i always tell my best friend. just for safety reasons more than anything (i’ll send her his profile and confirmation of where we’ll be and what time). but that’s pretty much as much as i do because the fun of picking outfits etc and the build up is gone for me now

 

[mozzarellagirl]

I always called him out on it. I don’t think his girlfriend does though. He always beats around the bush and I get the feeling he has strong feelings for both of us. She seems very opposite to me where as me and him joked how he’s like the male version of me and vice versa.

Me challenge him that’s how I got him to open up over the regret he has with his previous girlfriend before he met me and telling me how his relationship with his current one was hard after me snitching. The only thing is I keep asking why he comes back to me but he always goes vogue and says it’s because I’m awesome and a legend.

Honestly, I even said to him I’m not gonna talk to him when he’s got a girlfriend because this is getting ridiculous now it’s a furious cycle that needs ending

If he had strong feelings for either of you, this situation wouldn't be happening. And feelings and all this other crap means NOTHING if there's no respect.

Men don't come back because we're incredible, beautiful etc, they come back because they CAN - because WE let them. They know that door is still open (even just a peep) and that that boundary out of self respect hasn't been placed. They know they can dip in and out without any consequence, all the while, getting an ego boost whenever they need to numb their low self esteem.

You also can't trust anything they say about their girlfriends, anything they tell you is with the intention of getting what they want - so it's not the truth. You don't know if she doesn't call him out or challenge him, you know nothing about her really.

Both you and his girlfriend should tell him to piss off.

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I left my boyfriend this morning (that I started dating a few years ago and we met on bumble)

I feel like I should feel bad or guilty for it but I don't, and its not like he did anything wrong as such it was just such a juvenile relationship and whilst he didn't want to get married or have kids which I was fine with it but wouldn't of worked long term as I actually have a kid. I'd met his family but he never made a move to meet mine and to be honest I didn't want him too especially my child.

But then he'd be like "oh you can move in here with me" and I'd like like erm no thanks? I just bought a house a year ago?. And like he knows how hard I have been working on my degree and he'd be like "Wanna go out drinking with my friends" erm no I have work to do and I'm 32 I don't do that, and even when I came out of hospital he asked similar and I was like dude iv spent a week in hospital I am now behind by a week.

Maybe I put too much emphasis on my work/home life to be really involved in the relationship and we hadn't seen each other since January because of my health/work etc. But I felt this morning like that was it, I had to end it as I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't promise me a future and was very blasé about what the future held for us.

I just needed to get this off of my chest really more than anything.

Well done! Really well done. You've prioritised you and your standards and you've trusted yourself. You haven't bent on your boundaries and what you expect out of a relationship - that takes strength and self esteem high fucking five!

 

[Jadejones9596]

So we finally called it quits. Took on the advice I got here and realised I wasn’t getting what I needed from my guy and it wasn’t going to work. He gave up as quickly as I thought he would. I feel shit tonight but sure it’ll pass. Don’t want to date again, feels so daunting

 

[Peppermint Tea]

@TillyMiffin I’m so sorry for your loss, sending you lots of love.

I think I’m definitely in need of a breather from the apps. On Friday night I went on a date that was so bad it was actually comical - towards the end of the evening he revealed that his mother was sat in a restaurant a few doors down from the bar we were in waiting to give him a lift home, & that’s not even the worst of it!

I’ve got a busy few weeks ahead of me at work, I’m having minor surgery at the beginning of next month (which I’m really anxious about), and I just don’t need any man stress on top of all that at the moment!

 

[Agent Cooper]

Girls, a Swedish colleague of mine did this during lunch today…I was moving stuff around the lunch area to help make more space for some people coming in and he saw me do it, came over and went: “Let me help you miss, I’m taller than you so it will be much easier for me” while looking me in the eye. It’s not like I’m a petite girl, I’m 5’8 but he’s about 6’3 and absolutely towering over me, and he kind of accidentally touched my hand as he was taking a tray from me and putting it away — I know it means nothing as he was just probably trying to be nice and polite (and he is not even my type and probably has a partner already) but it does not stop me from planning our entire wedding in my head I’d totally invite you all!

So yeah, that’s as far as my love life goes these days and my contribution to the office crush talk we had earlier today

I don’t know who this is but I hate this idea that women get judged whatever they do and other women make women feel bad or put them down

Preach! I say let women do what they want as long as they don’t violate any laws or strong moral obligations. Fathers should just be held responsible for taking care of their kids to the same extent that mothers are. Don’t have anything else to add here, I guess

 

[xcyber]

Ok so I said again, I don’t think this is going to work, you’re being really vague etc anc I got this (scribbled out my workplace!) for context I work quite long hours is what hes referring to. The city he lives in I used to commute to daily, it’s 40 miles each way xx
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I know they’re always texting, attentive, interested before you shag them!! Then right after, you wait for the tumbleweed to arrive how do we get around that?

He gives me depressive vibes. Like a bit of a Debbie downer. Everything’s a chore, life’s so hard etc. I think he prob does like you but I think ultimately you’d be the one chasing and making all the plans and travelling to him. So all in all another one for the bin.