Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

[TillyMiffin]

Hi everyone, but of a long, ‘me me me’ post but here goes: so older forum members may remember my history, broke up with long term ex in 2021 (summer) had complete emotional breakdown, dated a couple of guys but never going beyond two dates (around winter 2021) been happily completely single since. So there was a guy I got to know through facebook tvat I got to know in real life, we bumped into each other in May 2018 at a gig, had a chat etc. lovely guy, I’ll call him W, Fast forward to spring 2019 when I was with my ex, again bumped into W who asked who I was with and basically told me he fancied me. I was flattered but didn’t pursue it cos I was in a relationship with my ex. W and I used to chat occasionally on fb and he never mentioned fancying me again, it was only friendly stuff. So then he met someone and was with her until 2021. We met up for drinks a couple of times last year but nothing happened between us, just friends vibes. He messaged me a few weeks ago, and said ‘if I’d have moved in for a kiss last time we met would you have reciprocated’ I said yeah, and then we chatted about how hopeless we both were. We have been chatting every day since then and were going to meet up last weekend but I was poorly so we postponed till next weekend (when I was child free)
We were messaging Thursday saying we were both looking forward to meeting, then Friday I didn’t hear from him. Yesterday morning my friend messaged me saying that W had passed away on Friday night. He was 50.
I am in a bit of a state tbh. I still can’t believe it. We have a lot of mutual friends but no one knew we were chatting or had planned to meet etc, apart from my one close friend. Everyone that knew him is in shock and feeling heartbroken. He was such a lovely man. Proper gentleman, and so lovely to me. I was really excited about meeting and seeing where it went. I was going to post on here about my upcoming date. Now I just don’t know how to feel. Apologies for the long post but I feel this is a safe space. If anyone feels this isn’t appropriate I’ll remove it obviously.

 

[MsCurly]

I know this is strictly a dating thread, but because we often discuss being single and making your way through life as well, I thought that I would share one of the unexpected joys of being single.
Last year I managed to buy a plot of land and I am currently in the process of designing my own house. I'm going for something like an English country cottage, but modernized (energy friendly being the main goal). This morning I had a meeting with a kitchen designer. When we discussed colour preferences for the cabinets I told him I'm going for a pastel blue/pink/green vibe with marble counter tops. The designer looked at me and said: "A pastel kitchen? Your husband will never agree to that!" I then explained I was single, and he changed his reply to future husband.

And then it just dawned on me. I am designing this entire house by myself and I don't need to take anyone's wishes into account except for my own. I can do whatever I want! I am really fond of colours, so I've just picked out pink tiles for my bathroom. I've also decided to not go for a traditional living room, but I'm going to build a library instead. I might even get one of those impractical round beds, simply because I can.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that being single is often deemed to be a negative thing. Modern society has lots of opinions on women living alone, forming their own families, being independent etcetera. I don't think that the joy and freedom that come with being single are celebrated enough.
Just yesterday my coworker asked if I won't be lonely when I'm living alone. And I told him I wouldn't be, because I am really fond of my own company. I am literally my own favourite person.

So if there is anyone reading this thread and worrying about being single, please don't worry. You do not have to date and find a partner simply because you think it is the right thing to do. Only choose to accept a partner if they improve your life and add value to it.
Three years ago I was completely shattered by heartache and I thought I would never get over it. But I did and life is sweeter than ever, even without a man.

 

[Clickbait]

If someone does something that you don’t like - says something that upsets you, leaves you on read for ages for no good reason, refuses to commit to a date or a second date, makes you feel uncomfortable/unattractive/awkward, triggers negative emotions or past experiences - particularly after you’ve only just started chatting or had one date then walk away!

He could have a penis the size of the Blackpool Tower but he’s still not the right man for you.

I wish women wouldn’t waste their time trying to make sense of why men behave the way they do. Sometimes the answer is simply because they are a massive bell end.

I’ve been reading this thread pretty much since it started and wish when I was dating it existed as it would have helped me no end with solidarity, having a sounding board, and someone on hand to give me a good talking to if I needed. What I find time and again though is that people don’t take their own advice and rarely back away after the first red flag(s) even if they recognise them as such. So far it has always ended badly.

 

[EddyDarling]

I have mine switched on so people know I'm ignoring them because I'm a right cunt X

Swings and roundabouts innit loves

 

[Thank(space)you]

Was getting on well with a guy on tinder started chatting on WhatsApp and now it comes up in conversation he's a nazi sympathiser doesn't think Hitler was a bad guy, all a conspiracy theory etc fml.

 

[Clementine]

After this interaction today

I’ve added this caveat in to my profile. No doubt, it’s a pointless task

 

[jawidjanqndn]

The last hinge date I went on back in October he ended up getting arrested at the end of the night, got a text around 12 the next day from him saying he’d just got out the cell

 

[drewydrop]

Hey, so have lurked on this thread for ages and love how supportive everyone is so thought I’d reach out. I was scared for a long time to put myself back out there but have been on dating sites since Christmas (bumble and hinge) and just feeling deflated. Strap yourselves in..

Ghosted by 1st guy I was talking to. Knew him through friends anyway, lots in common, talking for few weeks over Xmas. Met twice. Second date had sex at mine, minutes after sex told me he didn’t want a relationship, planned on moving to be closer to his children literally as we laid there. Didn’t hear from him again. Found him 2 weeks later on hinge (met on bumble) and his prompt was (it’s nice to be important but more important to be nice). I sent him a like and told him he might need to work on that. Cue a long WhatsApp apologising for not being in touch and how stressed he’s been. I replied telling him not an excuse, you don’t sleep with someone then don’t message them again. He didn’t reply.

2nd guy we were texting/ talking on phone for 2 weeks and planned a fun date day. Ended up meeting for a quick drink week before this as he had plans and wanted to meet sooner and we live 30 miles away. We got on well and was still up for a second date. He started to give me the slow fade pretty much immediately, this was someone who was a self proclaimed nice guy and who was always honest. Called him out a few days later after the slow fade and he said he now wasn’t sure about the distance (45 mins) but he knew this when we arranged the second date and said he just wanted to be honest. I said you weren’t being that honest as I had to ask you how you were feeling as you’d stopped texting so much. He responded by saying he was sorry he changed his mind, acting like I was massively into him when I just liked him enough to see how a second date would go. I said no worries, he then replied saying although he didn’t want a second date he would be up for meeting for sex on our planned date day as he had nothing else planned. Distance clearly not an issue for that then! Immediately called him out and he told me it was a joke and he forgot to put the laughing face emoji. Yeah right.

Then third guy I was chatting with before 2nd guy, but didn’t initially like him that much. Conversation was very polite but he seemed nice and like he had his shit together. Didn’t overly message and wasn’t throwing compliments my way all the time. After 3 weeks of messaging we met for a drink - had no expectations but we had a great night, he was quite quiet but fun and we got really drunk, he ended up staying at mine, and stayed until the next night, just chilling on the sofa. Felt really comfortable with him. Carried on messaging and arranged the next date straight away (few weeks away as he has his children most weekends and works away half the week) but still messaged everyday. He then invited me to his 2 weeks later on a Mon night for food and a film. He messaged day of saying he had a last min job interview next morning, I was like here we go, but he just wanted to reschedule to the next night. Had a lovely evening, Messaging increased and was much more flirty and we were getting on really well.

I went away that weekend and ended up going to see him the night I got back. Everything was great, stayed the night which I didn’t plan on, great sex, he was very affectionate (know this is sickening but held me all night, kissing/stroking me). I left in the morning and he was like no don’t go, and I said see you Sat yeah (our original planned 2nd date) and he said yeah definitely. Massive smile on his face.

Messaged him the next day and he said he’d had a shit day at work the day before so had taken a sick day that it’s really dragging him down. Very open that he hated his job/ boss. But he asked how I was and what I was up to. I replied, he didn’t read it for nearly a day and then replied a day later asking if we could reschedule our weekend date as he’d been feeling really down all week because of his job and was going to see his parents to try and shift his mood. I knew this was a bad sign but he only gets 1 weekend from his kids and I definitely am anxiously attached. As he’d been so refreshingly adult and gentleman like I thought it was me being overly anxious so I said of course, hope he felt better soon and I never heard from him again.

I messaged him 5 days later when I saw he was online and said he could’ve shown my some respect and been honest with me instead of ghosting and that he seemed better than that. He read it and didn’t reply.

These are all men in their late 30s/ early 40s with professional jobs and young children. I don’t understand how they cannot send 1 message to say sorry not feeling it anymore. The first two it is what it is and could tell it wasn’t right but this last guy has really upset me. 8 weeks of messaging, met up 3 times, twice at his and I don’t even deserve a message to say he’s changed his mind. I know it’s on him and not me but has really hurt. This was a couple of weeks ago now but I hate he’s left me questioning myself.

 

[LaBlonde]

went on hinge, saw a guy who had his job title as “full time rapist”, reported his profile, left hinge

will say very impressed with their reporting function and the level of detail in the email you get after it (including assurance they will help with any police enquiries etc), was expecting a warning myself for the colourful language i used in my report though.

men

 

[jawidjanqndn]

Good lord Emma she really has been on the apps hasn't she.
Why can't men find anything original to say? I'm in London and the amount of men that have exactly the same answers, word for word, is astonishing.
---


I'm going to need a second by second account of this date

Strap yourselves in I’ll keep it short ish

so we start going to a couple bars, we get on well, however he’s ordering straight rum and getting quite impatient when the waiters aren’t serving him quick enough. Threatening to leave ect because he wants this rum so bad we go to a few more places, we end up in a bar where coincidentally his friends were. He leaves me with this group of middle aged men, some younger (my age) but majority were middle aged and absolutely pissed. They are all chatting to me and I see my date at the bar doing shots, going to the toilet often (…), and he barely acknowledges me for 2 minutes, except once to try and come onto me.. These men clearly have a lot of money so they are ordering round after round and asking to go to the club down the round. I get up to leave and go home and they beg me to come, I know I shouldn’t of, but I did. I was in there for 10 mins at a max as my ‘date’ was off snogging girls on the dance floor, absolutely off his face dancing, I go to the toilet and expect that they won’t be there when I’m back. Of course they aren’t so I go to leave and thankfully bump into some girls I know on my way out, I was quite drunk myself now as these guys had been buying me rounds and i genuinely was just drinking because I felt sorry for myself I stayed with these girls for a bit in the smoking area and they ended up putting me in a taxi alone, still haven’t heard a thing from my date.

I wake up the next day thinking he’s ghosted me - nope.. he got arrested in that same club for assault and ended up spending the night in a cell. He sent me a picture of him in his bloody prison tracksuit and begged for forgiveness said he’d hoped the date was memorable.. absolute dick. Few weeks pass and I get my hair done and end up telling my hairdresser about this date - the other girl working picks up on my conversation and guesses who I’m talking about. Apparently he is a gambler, alcoholic, writ his car off a week prior for drink driving & will be 90% likely to lose his license…

this man still views all of my storys months later (we do not follow eachother), he also now has a new girlfriend who coincidentally can’t speak English which is probably the reason they get along so well.

 

[xcyber]

Hey Tattlers,

I am new to this thread and looking for some advice in this current situation:

• I met a guy online, we went for a date (which I initiated) it was great, we hit it off and slept together (I was happy to do this as only wanted to try and set up a FWB situation with the guy anyway and not a long term relationship),
• Bearing in mind - this is an important part of the story, on the day of our first date he didn't reach out at all, it got to 3pm and I caved and said 'hey looking forward to tonight, does 8pm work for you?' then we met etc.
• He has always been very quiet with texting, even prior to our first meeting, never really checks in or keeps a conversation going, whenever I try he gives me very clinical answers that shut down a conversation like 'have a great rest of the week' etc.
• I asked him outright, do you want to keep in touch and meet again? He said 'for sure, absolutely'.
• three weeks went by (minimal texts back and forth every 3/4 day) aka breadcrumbing.
• I set up another date, texted him on Monday night and asked if he wanted to check out a new bar together after work on Friday, he was really keen and responded right away. I told him 'great, looking forward to it'. He never read this last message (on whatsapp - no blue ticks).
• Friday comes around and I thought, I am going to wait and see if he reaches out to me this time to arrange our meeting point and time, as I have been the one instigating the convos, dates etc and mainly making all the moves over the last few weeks,
• I waited until 5:30PM on the day of our second date!!! No text or any contact from him whatsoever to even set up a time.
• I drew the line at 5:30pm, texted another guy I know and we went out and had a great night.
• The original guy can see my stories on insta, I went to the bar we were suppose to check out together.
• Sure as hell, the next morning (today) he texts me, 'hey, how was your night?'... I'm like WTF? He knows full well we were supposed to go together but because I held back from caving this time, he failed to get in touch and we didn't go.
• I know I should just ignore and move on, but that's too mature for my mood right now. I taught him a lesson that i will go out without him and have fun anyway and not sit waiting on his message.
• Now I want to reply to his 'hey how was your night' and call him out by responding something very direct like, 'you know we were meant to go together but it always seems to be me making the effort so good luck and all the best' I would prefer to send a message so he knows that i'm no longer interested, have self-respect and standards and practice direct communication with him rather than just ghost him.

Do you think this response is ok or what would you suggest?

Thanks all and have a great weekend!

Tbh you’ve been doing all the chasing. The best way to let him know you’re not interest and show you have standards is to not ever reply to him again. Silence is golden. Actions speak louder than words. And some other cliched yet accurate proverbs!

 

[boomska]

Arranged a dog walking date- no time or meeting point as it was happening a few days later. Then on said day, didn’t hear from the bloke all day- didn’t chase etc nothing. And still not chasing him, even for an explanation/apology 24hrs later, deleted the chat, deleted his number growth for me!!

even if they’re not showing their best behaviour at the start* then get gone.
It’s like a job basically!
*excepts applied.

 

[Lalla]

Haha!! Thank you!! They were the mule type I thought they were quite cool! What turns these guys so nasty so quickly? None of us like rejection but I tried to be gentle and say it was due to work xx

Some men's egos are so incredibly fragile that any rejection is a massive slight, and in their warped mind entitles them to be rude and unpleasant in response.

I may have told this story before but about 10 years ago I went on a date with this guy I met online. He wasn't at all my type physically but from his profile and messages he seemed quite witty/ fun to be around so I thought I'd meet him for a drink at least. The drink was super awkward, his humour in real life was crude, unfunny and bordering on racist/ sexist, he was too tactile and kept trying to kiss me. So after 1 drink I made my excuses and left. He asked me on another date there and then, I said I'd message him.

I knew I was no way seeing him again, so on the way home I replied saying it was nice to meet him (it wasn't) but that on reflection I didn't feel a spark etc. It was a far kinder message than he deserved.

In response he said something along the lines of it being no loss, he was only bothering with a fat slag like me for sex, and mocked me for thinking he'd be interested in me for more than that. It was one of the nastiest responses I ever received.

I fully understand it said nothing about me, and everything about him. But why do men feel they have the godgiven right to be so nasty?

Even my Ex. He called me a fucking bitch more than once. When I challenged him he said that if I behaved like a fucking bitch that's what I should expect to be called. Yet would never have tolerated me speaking to him like that

 

[Agent Cooper]

Had the pleasure of bumping into my ex today. Not to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I’ve had a bit of a glow up since we broke up (both looks-wise and personality-wise) and he clearly hasn’t. I can’t say I was happy to see him looking a state, but now I am pretty sure our breakup, messy as it was, was for the better.

 

[LaBlonde]

guys, men truly cannot win with me matched with a guy yesterday, he messaged first, did a bit of small talk, sent me a really long message at lunch today which i didn’t have time to reply to and so thought: hey, i’ll do a proper response when i get home. get home to find two further messages: “how is your day going?” and then, two hours later, “how is your day going, okay?” and now i have the ick

me: why do men never message me?
man: messages
me: oh that’s too much messaging sorry.

 

[D2them]

Wow...back on tinder 24 hours and nothing has changed

 

[Anne1448]

I don't know why people think that being in a relationship or having a baby before 40 is an accomplishment. All of us could easily be in one by the end of the day.

Being in a committed relationship with someone who respects you, values you and respects you is different. We all know married couples who can't stand each other and where the woman is not even getting the bare minimum.

Self-respect comes with a price and if that price is being single, I'll happily take it.

 

[freezelouise43]

Hey all not sure if you remember me? Anyway thought this all might make you smile- my latest dating disaster love how I need to address my work life Balance but also not sure who else is paying my bills? someone has to keep me in Birkenstocks

 

[natx]

Hi guys! I’ve been lurking on this thread for a wee while now!
@drewydrop please do not doubt or question yourself! It is honestly men and they are just such dicks these days. You are amazing and the right person is out there for you, I promise!

I had the WORST luck with men. Dating from the age of 18-25 was absolutely draining and I constantly had men ghosting me, gaslighting me, cheating on me; the list goes on! I even had a boy turn up at my door with a bag of Tesco cookies saying, ‘I’ve lost interest’ after literally telling me the night before he was in love with me and I met his family! I also had a boy tell me he loved me and then the next day dumped me for someone else he actually text me the other day saying he had made a big mistake. 3 years later? Really?!

Anyway I guess the point of my reply is to tell you to not give up hope. 80% of men are dicks but there are nice guys. After years of shit guys I finally met someone. The amazing part of it is the fact I met him outside a bicycle shop. I went for a walk, walked past this boy who was paying for a bicycle and thought he was cute. I was actually shitting myself but I thought I would go over and just ask for his number. He was so so lovely and actually gave me it We texted for a bit but we never met up so I just forgot about him but still had him on socials. Then 6 months later I went on a last minute night out with my friends and he was just there. He approached me and we laughed about meeting in the street all those months before. Turns out he had never stopped thinking about me but just never messaged. 2 years later and we have a flat and a dog and he’s 100% the love of my life. I guess what I’m trying to say is DO NOT GIVE UP!

And please remember that dating apps are shit and not all guys use them. The one for you could be in your local Tesco! Get out there and approach. If I hadn’t approached my boyfriend that day, I’d still be single. He’s changed my life and reminded me that there really are amazing guys out there, (Just few).

 

[BWGossip]

Not to be rude but why waste your time on him? 1) he has a girlfriend, 2) he doesn't seem like a nice person given how he treats his gf *and* you. IMO he comes across just wanting to have an egoboost and/or preparing to dump his gf but unwilling to spend anytime without easy sex. If you go out with him be assure that in 2 years you will be in his gf shoes while he chat up some random ex. Sorry if it's harsh but I don't understand the appeal of such a mediocre specimen You (and his gf) deserve much better!