Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

[xcyber]

So the man who told me he just wants to be friends cos he found someone else plus the distance is messaging again like normal and I'm an idiot I'm replying. Same energy as it was before and he mentioned meeting up to celebrate some job news but instantly told me no kissing .
If we're meant to be friends of course thered be no kissing.

NO TO THIS MAN. Why would you still want to engage with this guy? He sounds like twat.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

The majority of them are not hot enough to have any opinion on us. Simon do all women a favour & stay wanking into your sticky hand you gross probably rat faced runt.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I'm highly suspicious of folk on WhatsApp who don't set their last seen or blue ticks when they've read a message. Like why??

I think a lot of people especially women found the blue ticks anxiety provoking and advice was to turn them off. Some of us are fighting rejection sensitivity & I think anything that allays some fear is worth a shot. I personally don't find it suspicious and lots of people I know turn them off.
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Adding this was when I first went on the apps gullible and naive & upset by being blocked and ghosted for no fathomable reason. Now I couldn't give a shite about any of these men and couldn't waste a minute on them. It was a learning curve

 

[Lalla]

Just wanted to thank @LaBlonde @AgentCooper and everyone else for your kind words on my post of yesterday

Also to say that on this thread we (I'll cast aside any modesty and include myself in this!) are all such a bunch of intelligent, witty, thoughtful, kind, wise and funny women - even though I don't 'know' any of you as such I feel such a sense of camaraderie, and when I see any of your names pop up on other threads I'm on, I always inwardly do a little nod of acknowledgement/ recognition (if you can inwardly nod that is well you know what I mean)

And because we are all so wonderful we absolutely deserve nothing less than the very best life has to offer, something that makes us happy, whether that is being peacefully content on our own, or that we find (in the words of my favourite Will Young song that I would often listen to at my lowest ebb) 'an all time love', or anything in between.

I'm kind of thinking currently that a dachshund puppy would make me happiest (I did want a corgi but the hair shedding puts me off)

 

[Peppermint Tea]

also currently at lunch listening to two of my work colleagues discuss dating and how, at their ages (39), if you haven’t been in a long term relationship or have kids, then there’s probably “something wrong” and they won’t be interested so feeling amazing about myself rn

edit: okay i know i used the emoji but am genuinely quite upset by it. i already feel behind so many people my age and i guess it’s horrible hearing it actually confirmed out loud (not for the first time).

I know it’s a lot easier said than done, but ignore them. They sound very dull & lacking in imagination if they think that relationships and children are the only ‘right’ way to go about life.

One thing I’ve come to realise as I’ve got older, is that an awful lot of people settle down and have children just because it’s the ‘done thing’, without stopping to think about whether it’s what they actually want! It’s pretty easy to find a man to have children with if thats literally the only requirement you have. Finding a loving and supportive partner who is just right for you is much harder.

 

[Thank(space)you]

The chat has already been blocked and deleted. I like to think of rejection as redirection towards something better

 

[Kimmylookatme]

I just wanted to update on my boring personal saga and say there are good eggs out there that are trying to balance their own needs with ours. Been on the brink of breaking up with mine for the last week and finally plucked up the courage to address stuff tonight. Has surpassed my expectations by not only apologising but telling me we have opposite attachment styles (who knew they even considered this stuff?!) and we just have to try and find a way to make them work in harmony instead of against each other. Said it’s healthy to disagree and he never wants me to minimise my own needs to meet his, as anxious attachment types are prone to, and christ it’s like ten thousand weights have been lifted. He’s also apologised for not understanding ocd/intrusive thoughts (don’t expect him to tbh it’s a mental rollercoaster) but told me If I call stuff out in real time he’ll probably usually apologise but maybe challenge if I am just being an irrational knob. This is what I needed!
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I just wanted to update on my boring personal saga and say there are good eggs out there that are trying to balance their own needs with ours. Been on the brink of breaking up with mine for the last week and finally plucked up the courage to address stuff tonight. Has surpassed my expectations by not only apologising but telling me we have opposite attachment styles (who knew they even considered this stuff?!) and we just have to try and find a way to make them work in harmony instead of against each other. Said it’s healthy to disagree and he never wants me to minimise my own needs to meet his, as anxious attachment types are prone to, and christ it’s like ten thousand weights have been lifted. He’s also apologised for not understanding ocd/intrusive thoughts (don’t expect him to tbh it’s a mental rollercoaster) but told me If I call stuff out in real time he’ll probably usually apologise but maybe challenge if I am just being an irrational knob. This is what I needed!

To clarify irrational knob is my own term

 

[Clementine]

If he gets in touch and wants to go out you can at least answer, “LMAO, as fuckin’ if!” or something similar.

Eurgh. I could weep for his daughter Didn’t engage, just reported.

 

[Hi there]

Can I just appreciate men who are just so consistent when it comes to texting, keeping you posted and just being in touch in general. Started talking to someone early last week so it is very early days but my gosh how refreshing that he texts daily and sends voice notes and will try and find a minute or two when at work to just drop a quick message to exchange pleasantries. He has already mentioned a possible coffee date this coming Sunday if I’m available eekkssss ))))

 

[LaBlonde]

I’ve said it once and l say to again… and again… why would a bumble match extend the match by another 24 hours as soon as you matched and reply to your first message and then just not reply?!

a question i have asked myself many times

i just don’t know why, in general, men instigate the conversation and then immediately check out of it. it’s so weird. if i’m not interested, i don’t really start the chat in the first place?!

edit: also, and this is mean, why is it that, when the first photo on a man’s profile is a big group pic, he is never the one in the group you’re hoping for. urgh.

 

[MsCurly]

Sending this to all of my situationships and former relationships that pop up every now and then.

 

[Clementine]

Aww, @LaBlonde I feel you mate! Would you ever expand the distance? Join Tinder

Most guys need catapulting off the face of the earth @Usagisakura90. It’s such a frustrating experience.

In a bid to get out of my comfort zone and stop doing the same thing which gets the same results, I did something different and got the same result

 

[Clementine]

I actually find it quite weird that is appears majority of men don’t want a woman that has a her shit together?? It’s bizarre.

It’s a dent to their ego, innit. Women who have their shit together don’t need a man. These same type of men though, would complain about women being psycho/needy for wanting basic decency

 

[mozzarellagirl]

How do we all deal with being proper dezza for a ride on the
I am on my period

i call it the period horn. i get it SO bad i turn into this emoji

 

[Clementine]

I’m in my 40s and on Tinder, in none of my photos do I show a cleavage etc. I’m completely covered up, yet I just received this message. This probably sums the experience up at the moment

 

[Thank(space)you]

Just got asked if I am adventurous sexually
Yes I'm a horny kinky bitch but you'll never know that now idiot. I never reply to sexual questions. Let them realise they fucked up.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

So me and my bf had a little tiff the other night, on his part kinda. We saw each other Friday night, he was busy Saturday and Sunday with stuff and that was fine, I had my daugher anyway and it was Mother’s Day. Monday came around and it was my first day back at work for 3 weeks due to an operation (nothing too serious) , anyway. I slept shit, was up at 6am with my daughter and I was exhausted anyway, I got home and told him not to bother coming round cos I want to get an early night as I was tired and didn’t fancy being up late when I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

Anyway, he was texting me fine, reads my message then ignores me for 2 hours and at 8pm tells me he’s going to sleep. I basically said I don’t appreciate being ignored cos I’m tired and don’t want to socialise after a very long day. Anyway, he just says it’s fine and I said well obviously it’s not fine cos you’ve been in a mood. Anyway, I just said I’m not carrying this convo on cos I’m tired & cba with it.

Tuesday morning he texts me saying he’s sorry and he shouldn’t of added to the stressful day I had at work back (I was extremely busy as I’m the only one who does my job and it was manic) .. and that he was looking forward to seeing me and he shouldn’t ignore me over it.

Anywayyyyy I told him in future I’m not making plans to see him on a Monday or Tuesday (I work part time due to my daugher) but I’ve got a stressful job at times and I really don’t want to socialise once I’ve put my daughter to bed at 7:45pm. I just want to be on my own.

He said it’s fine bla bla and that’s it. But I’m just worried on my part that he wants to see me more than I want to see him. I’ve had years of my own space and time once my daughter has gone to sleep and I really like my own time we have date night near enough every weekend and spend quality time together but I’m just not sure if I’m enough for him. I love my own space too much and when she’s gone to bed it’s the only time I get to be “alone” from work / my daughter

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to put it on paper

You have a man who wants to see you? Have you been reading the posts from other members trying to recieve crumbs over whatsapp? it doesn't matter whether he wants to see you "more than you want to see him"!

Respectfully if it was the other way around Im sure there'd be a post about it! this isn't a problem! it's a good thing! If you aren't enough for him, that's on his part to do something about it.
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So I’ve been left a bit confused if I’m honest & I know “confusion = no” doesn’t it.
so I went on my date with the guy I’d prev dated back in 2018. It was really good, had no doubt about that. We’re good friends etc.
but it’s sort of been left where we were both going to think whether we wanted togive it a proper go. I’ve now said I’d be willing to do this but then he’s just no replied
Bare in mind he was the one pushing for the date etc he did tell me he’s had a bit of drama with the last girl (also previously a good friend) he dated (ended aug 22) but the drama has continued into this year so I can understand the reluctance to get involved into something again but I sort of think why bother arranging something in the first place?
Im now sort of left thinking he wasn’t feeling it after the date (which is completely fair) but don’t know why he wouldn’t just say that

I haven’t contacted him since btw & don’t plan to, balls very much in his court but also of the view if he does contact I’m going to be a bit like “well you ignored me” haha.
Im not really interested in dating back on the apps or whatever else so it’s not like I’m rushing back out there & this hasn’t “bothered” me as such, it’s just annoying more than anything

sorry this is just a little rant more than anything

He's not into you - or at least he's not into your enough! Either way there no respect regardless of which one it is. I know it sucks but you just need to snip snip this man. It sounds futile. He already can't communicate, he's confirmed that he's attached to drama and no doubt will bring into your life too and, hes lead you on and then ignored you - need I go on?

As for the "the balls in his court", you're still giving him the power of you being an option or to say that's it's not going ti do anywhere - when you could stop both of those things happening. Neither of those things are worth the short lived ego boost you'll get from being able to say he's ignored you... he knows he's ignored you, he was the one who did it.

(said with )
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i’m just sick of trying to drag small talk out of grown men tbh. situation is dire. matched with a guy on bumble who has multiple photos of him playing the drums on his profile. i said, as you do, oh wow you play the drums, i always wanted to learn etc etc. he replied “who says i play? photos can be deceiving ” i was like “……… so, do you or not?”

i am unmatching as soon as the chat gets bad at this point (which i should have done way earlier) and so i have unmatched about seven guys since sunday. no one can talk about things they actually have on their profile

men really think that they can turn up with NOTHING (in any area of life) because they have a cock.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

This must be a global phenomenon because I know so many hot, brilliant and awesome women who are still single as well.

And some women do just want to be single, it's not about whether they can find a decent man or not. A lot of people assume single woman = must be because she can't find a man and single man = his choice, no further assumptions

 

[Clementine]

Just to say thank you for the wonderful advice and your thoughts on the situation I posted yesterday. The overexplainer is me is really battling to reply to him and apologise for being dismissive about a woman I literally don’t know as that wasn’t my intention, but I’m not going to. Ngl, I am ruminating about why the name seems familiar to me and trying to get all thoughts out of my head that it’s a woman he worked with and referred to when we were together. However, as Moz remarked, it’s a futile exercise, which only serves to cause me more pain.

It’s helpful to see that you lot thought it was cruel of him to mention, as I saw it as him reasoning/explaining why I hadn’t heard from him since September (when he told me he’d fallen in love with someone). Your perspective switched it up for me.

I bought Block, Delete, Move On yesterday and it’s going to be my weekend reading. I saw Lalalas posts on Insta about limerance yesterday and it related. Think there’s some of that involved for me too.

Thand you again for being the best sounding board ever

 

[al255]

thanks all! I’ve learnt alot in my time dating and sometimes the nice guys aren’t as nice as they make out cos they don’t know how to have a proper relationship, or an opinion on anything incase it upsets you. Weird behaviour