Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[Wowitsme]

Do you live together?

No way I couldn’t as it is now but it’s planned that I spend the weekend at his this weekend and it just feels me with dread

 

[Belle123]

Well he is on medication but won’t or can’t go to therapy.

I have spoken to him about it and he’s sorry, says he shouldn’t behave like that etc but he does the same thing 5-7 days later. I just feel like I want to avoid seeing him because of it now which isn’t productive. It’s become exhausting

I think you have to think about what’s best for you here. If you’re not careful, your mental health will suffer. If you’ve talked to him but he keeps falling back into the behaviour, you can’t ignore that. There’s nothing more frustrating and upsetting than watching someone repeat the same behaviour over and over, knowing that anything you’ve said is not getting through. If you feel this is pushing you towards breaking up, then you need to consider that further. Yes, it’s scary and hard, and the fact he’s depressed adds to your angst/guilt, but he’s a grown up and needs to take responsibility for himself. You can break up respectfully and sensitively. If your instinct is to end the relationship, then listen to it. If you keep ignoring it, you will suffer more

 

[Wowitsme]

I think you have to think about what’s best for you here. If you’re not careful, your mental health will suffer. If you’ve talked to him but he keeps falling back into the behaviour, you can’t ignore that. There’s nothing more frustrating and upsetting than watching someone repeat the same behaviour over and over, knowing that anything you’ve said is not getting through. If you feel this is pushing you towards breaking up, then you need to consider that further. Yes, it’s scary and hard, and the fact he’s depressed adds to your angst/guilt, but he’s a grown up and needs to take responsibility for himself. You can break up respectfully and sensitively. If your instinct is to end the relationship, then listen to it. If you keep ignoring it, you will suffer more

Thank you for your response, I think deep down I do want to end it and I deffo don’t feel the same as I did 2-3 months ago. So I do need to make a decision based on that.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Belle123 Congratulations Belle on your promotion and I completely agree we should focus on the love & support we get from the people who care about us instead of these time wasters.
I still read everyone's comments but I have zero advice to give. I honestly think I'm empty when it comes to hearing about these hopeless, egotistical pratts on the apps.
I've finally got over Covid. It was a most unpleasant experience & I'm so tired from it. Hope everyone is ok and remember to keep your standards & boundaries.
Actually I felt a bit wibbly about being single at the finale of the Great British Sewing Bee. All their fiance's and husband's so positive & loving about them, babies being born & expected. It was a gaaah moment!

 

[Bagpuss7]

Little update from me..

I had a good morning, how are you message this morning. Last message was yesterday at 12.46 which was about us facetiming and him saying we could today. I was polite and said morning back and that I was fine and hoped he was too. The app is telling me he's been on and off all day, last time was 5 hours ago but he's not messaged me and there was no facetime! I'm not an idiot so I'm pretty aware that all the red flags I've sensed were not without reason but I'm still completely gobsmacked as to why men behave this way!

Onwards we go.

Lovely to see you back @Belle123

@Belle123 Congratulations Belle on your promotion and I completely agree we should focus on the love & support we get from the people who care about us instead of these time wasters.
I still read everyone's comments but I have zero advice to give. I honestly think I'm empty when it comes to hearing about these hopeless, egotistical pratts on the apps.
I've finally got over Covid. It was a most unpleasant experience & I'm so tired from it. Hope everyone is ok and remember to keep your standards & boundaries.
Actually I felt a bit wibbly about being single at the finale of the Great British Sewing Bee. All their fiance's and husband's so positive & loving about them, babies being born & expected. It was a gaaah moment!

Have I missed it? I recorded it last night but it was all tennis when I went to watch it !

 

[Clickbait]

No way I couldn’t as it is now but it’s planned that I spend the weekend at his this weekend and it just feels me with dread

I think that you need some time away from this relationship to understand if you want to remain in it, and time for him to consider the same thing. He can’t keep using you as a verbal punchbag and it shouldn’t be something that you put up with just because he has depression. His depression should not be eased by making you feel bad.

The fact you dread spending time with him now tells you all you need to know about how it’s making you feel and the impact it’s having on your own mental health. Perhaps you feel it’s unfair to take a break, that you’re letting him down when he needs you, but in reality you’re wearing yourself and your own self esteem down to ‘help’ him which makes no sense.

Life is too short to stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy. You may find you’re actually better apart - my ex who had MH issues relied on me for everything. When we split he had to stand on his own two feet, he could no longer stay 5 nights a week at my home (contributing absolutely nothing to any bills, paying for any food, doing any housework) because it was easier to get to a job he hated from there. He got a new job closer to home (a promotion) after we split and as far as I can tell is in a new relationship and happy.

It was only after we split I realise how much he dragged me down, how miserable I’d been, how much pressure had been on my shoulders just to keep him going at complete expense to me and my own well-being. My friends and all family said they felt they got the old me back, I got the old me back!

Please consider just a break for a few weeks if you’re not ready to walk away completely. But it needs to be a total break with no contact otherwise you’ll just get sucked back in.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Wowitsme ...please gear yourself up to ending this. It won't get any better & your peace of mind & contentment will soon return. Much better than the knot of anxiety & dread.

Little update from me..

I had a good morning, how are you message this morning. Last message was yesterday at 12.46 which was about us facetiming and him saying we could today. I was polite and said morning back and that I was fine and hoped he was too. The app is telling me he's been on and off all day, last time was 5 hours ago but he's not messaged me and there was no facetime! I'm not an idiot so I'm pretty aware that all the red flags I've sensed were not without reason but I'm still completely gobsmacked as to why men behave this way!

Onwards we go.

Lovely to see you back @Belle123


Have I missed it? I recorded it last night but it was all tennis when I went to watch it !

It will be on I player. It was on bbc2 last night.

 

[Wowitsme]

I think that you need some time away from this relationship to understand if you want to remain in it, and time for him to consider the same thing. He can’t keep using you as a verbal punchbag and it shouldn’t be something that you put up with just because he has depression. His depression should not be eased by making you feel bad.

The fact you dread spending time with him now tells you all you need to know about how it’s making you feel and the impact it’s having on your own mental health. Perhaps you feel it’s unfair to take a break, that you’re letting him down when he needs you, but in reality you’re wearing yourself and your own self esteem down to ‘help’ him which makes no sense.

Life is too short to stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy. You may find you’re actually better apart - my ex who had MH issues relied on me for everything. When we split he had to stand on his own two feet, he could no longer stay 5 nights a week at my home (contributing absolutely nothing to any bills, paying for any food, doing any housework) because it was easier to get to a job he hated from there. He got a new job closer to home (a promotion) after we split and as far as I can tell is in a new relationship and happy.

It was only after we split I realise how much he dragged me down, how miserable I’d been, how much pressure had been on my shoulders just to keep him going at complete expense to me and my own well-being. My friends and all family said they felt they got the old me back, I got the old me back!

Please consider just a break for a few weeks if you’re not ready to walk away completely. But it needs to be a total break with no contact otherwise you’ll just get sucked back in.

Thank you very much for your reply. It does really speak to me about how I am feeling right now and I deffo need to start thinking about myself.

And thank you to everyone else who responded

 

[Bagpuss7]

@Wowitsme ...please gear yourself up to ending this. It won't get any better & your peace of mind & contentment will soon return. Much better than the knot of anxiety & dread.


It will be on I player. It was on bbc2 last night.

I will find it

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I will find it

Sorry Bagpuss7 your latest guy sounds a complete plank! I would ghost him now I know what a headache these guys cause!

 

[Bagpuss7]

Sorry Bagpuss7 your latest guy sounds a complete plank! I would ghost him now I know what a headache these guys cause!

Oh I think the slow fade has been happening since Monday ! I've subconsciously known since his ' I lost my phone ' absence the first weekend after we started chatting that all is not as it seems with him so I'm just going to make other plans for Saturday

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I remember getting a "my phone broke" back in my truly gullible days lol

 

[candyland_]

Thank you

He’s quite snappy with me, he takes his bad days out on me a lot generally speaks to me quite badly. Most of the time I do walk on eggshells

He has depression but I don’t think this is an excuse to speak to people like crap

Having depression is not an excuse to make you feel this way, if it’s his excuse then he should be on his own until he deals with it.

Most people will know that mine has periods of depression but he has never taken it out on me, he sometimes needs his space but he has never shouted at me or said anything to hurt me. He will give me reassurance, bring his tshirts over for me to sleep in while he’s not here and make sure I’m happy.

While everyone deals with it differently I can’t help but wonder if yours is just horrible to you because he’s a bellend.

 

[Wowitsme]

Having depression is not an excuse to make you feel this way, if it’s his excuse then he should be on his own until he deals with it.

Most people will know that mine has periods of depression but he has never taken it out on me, he sometimes needs his space but he has never shouted at me or said anything to hurt me. He will give me reassurance, bring his tshirts over for me to sleep in while he’s not here and make sure I’m happy.

While everyone deals with it differently I can’t help but wonder if yours is just horrible to you because he’s a bellend.

Honestly I’m starting to just think this is who he actually is and it just took a while to come out

 

[Belle123]

@Belle123 Congratulations Belle on your promotion and I completely agree we should focus on the love & support we get from the people who care about us instead of these time wasters.
I still read everyone's comments but I have zero advice to give. I honestly think I'm empty when it comes to hearing about these hopeless, egotistical pratts on the apps.
I've finally got over Covid. It was a most unpleasant experience & I'm so tired from it. Hope everyone is ok and remember to keep your standards & boundaries.
Actually I felt a bit wibbly about being single at the finale of the Great British Sewing Bee. All their fiance's and husband's so positive & loving about them, babies being born & expected. It was a gaaah moment!

Thank you I’m so glad to hear you’re finally over it. It can be very unpleasant for some people. I felt like that watching it as well, and the babies being born caught me x

@Bagpuss7 I’m glad you’ve come to that conclusion, but sorry you’ve had to deal with another time waster. Try not to let it get you down. It’s really hard when these experiences are frequent, but that’s not a reflection on you. I’m a bit like you and need to understand things, but I don’t think we’ll ever understand this behaviour or get any answers, because we’d never do it. It’s a waste of energy to think about it too much. Think about taking a break if you need it x

 

[Captainmouse]

Lovely to see you back @Belle123

Have I missed it? I recorded it last night but it was all tennis when I went to watch it !


There is a repeat 9.00 bbc2 Saturday, I also missed it due to tennis

 

[Belle123]

Lovely to see you back @Belle123

Have I missed it? I recorded it last night but it was all tennis when I went to watch it !


There is a repeat 9.00 bbc2 Saturday, I also missed it due to tennis

Thank you very much x

 

[Bagpuss7]

Morning ladies ..just an observation. Soo the Morning before the date is supposed to happen ( I'm obviously not going after what has happened this week) its now 12.34 and no sign of him online since yesterday. Normally by now he's said good morning soo I'm wondering if he's just going to be a no show or whether he's going to appear later like nothing is wrong. Just wanted to add that no time or place ( he had mentioned a restaurant to me but nothing else was said ) has been agreed for the date tomorrow so that in its self says it all.. and yes I know I should just block etc etc but I'm curious about this one and how it plays out and if my instincts have been correct all along..

 

[Clickbait]

Morning ladies ..just an observation. Soo the Morning before the date is supposed to happen ( I'm obviously not going after what has happened this week) its now 12.34 and no sign of him online since yesterday. Normally by now he's said good morning soo I'm wondering if he's just going to be a no show or whether he's going to appear later like nothing is wrong. Just wanted to add that no time or place ( he had mentioned a restaurant to me but nothing else was said ) has been agreed for the date tomorrow so that in its self says it all.. and yes I know I should just block etc etc but I'm curious about this one and how it plays out and if my instincts have been correct all along..

Waiting for it to play out isn’t costing you anything, so I can see why you’re doing it. For someone who is clearly quite controlling and regimented in his approach to dating, you’d imagine he’d have pinned down a location and time by now. If you were really keen to meet him this would be maddening by now! Hope you have some other fun plans for Saturday x

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

Morning ladies ..just an observation. Soo the Morning before the date is supposed to happen ( I'm obviously not going after what has happened this week) its now 12.34 and no sign of him online since yesterday. Normally by now he's said good morning soo I'm wondering if he's just going to be a no show or whether he's going to appear later like nothing is wrong. Just wanted to add that no time or place ( he had mentioned a restaurant to me but nothing else was said ) has been agreed for the date tomorrow so that in its self says it all.. and yes I know I should just block etc etc but I'm curious about this one and how it plays out and if my instincts have been correct all along..

Sometimes I reckon they bank on us blocking them so they don’t have to do anything or feel bad about anything. They know if they push us to a limit we will eventually block them and in their minds that’s easier than having the balls to call things off. Or they like to keep you there, in brief communication, so they have something for when they eventually are ready to date/see someone. Just know that it’s not just you, and his behaviour would be the same with anyone else he was talking to. So if he does pop up suggesting the date would you still not go?