Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[candyland_]

Morning ladies, it's a new week and the sun is shining this morning I hope we all have a better happier week

I've had 3 days of silence from Mr Saturday date and it possibly may continue. He may also pop up today with his excuses but we shall see. The saga rumbles on ...

I wouldn’t give him the chance to pop up. Why isn’t he unmatched or blocked?

We’ve got to stop giving these men a way back in. So many times we say ‘I’m done’ and then update that we’ve replied to these idiots or that’s it’s still dragging on.

 

[Bagpuss7]

I wouldn’t give him the chance to pop up. Why isn’t he unmatched or blocked?

We’ve got to stop giving these men a way back in. So many times we say ‘I’m done’ and then update that we’ve replied to these idiots or that’s it’s still dragging on.

Because on Badoo it doesn't work like that. The option there is to report and block, I can't report him for being a lying waste of space unfortunately. I can delete the conversation with him by putting him in the bin but that won't stop him messaging me. At this point I feel like I'm in control, I am intrigued to see if he reappears and what form his excuses will take. As far as I'm concerned he's in the bin but I'm also curious to see if he does message me.

 

[LaBlonde]

Because on Badoo it doesn't work like that. The option there is to report and block, I can't report him for being a lying waste of space unfortunately. I can delete the conversation with him by putting him in the bin but that won't stop him messaging me. At this point I feel like I'm in control, I am intrigued to see if he reappears and what form his excuses will take. As far as I'm concerned he's in the bin but I'm also curious to see if he does message me.

what excuses do you think he’ll come up with? i get the curiosity, but how will you react if he reappears with a detailed excuse? will you respond? i would love to know what he comes up with given how weird the phone number story was!

honestly, as said before, i would be surprised if he does because (in the nicest possible way) i think he’s slow faded. you can’t come back from arranging a date and then never mentioning it again imo.

 

[grumpy_curry]

you can’t come back from arranging a date and then never mentioning it again imo.

have you met men?

I'm sure he'll try at least with some BS like "my nan died" "my mother had a fall" or whatever.

 

[Bagpuss7]

what excuses do you think he’ll come up with? i get the curiosity, but how will you react if he reappears with a detailed excuse? will you respond? i would love to know what he comes up with given how weird the phone number story was!

honestly, as said before, i would be surprised if he does because (in the nicest possible way) i think he’s slow faded. you can’t come back from arranging a date and then never mentioning it again imo.

Honestly I've no idea what he will say, if anything. He may never return to the app although his profile is still very much there. As always with these situations it's the vanishing act that leaves so many unanswered questions as to why. And he would have to be really really stupid if he thinks I'm going to give him another chance after his behaviour and complete indifference to my feelings. It's crossed my mind a few times, what if I had been really excited to see him Saturday and he did what he did, I'd be soo much more upset than I am. There is nothing I could say to him that would make any difference, I've learnt there is noo point sending a long heartfelt message as these kind of men just don't care. But I am interested to see what his excuse is ...my instinct is he will blame covid, that seems to be the go to these days.

 

[Clickbait]

you can’t come back from arranging a date and then never mentioning it again imo.

You would think not but many a man has tried - lost my phone; my [insert family member] *died/was ill/got taken into hospital (*delete as appropriate); got called into work at short notice; had to look after my child; I fell asleep on Friday and slept through until Sunday.

The latter was an excuse I genuinely had, with a cock and bull story about accidentally taking a sleeping tablet thinking it was a multivitamin so didn’t wake up for over 24 hours hence missing my texts and call and our date on the Saturday. Thought that would be convincing and he took his ‘last seen’ off WhatsApp especially on the Sunday forgetting I’d have seen him online at various points during the Saturday and I was FB friends with his friend’s gf and he’d been tagged on FB at someone’s birthday night out

I also had a wonderful first date with someone that was years in the making (we had constantly matched on dating apps but never met up) but he made me wait 3 months for the second date because of being busy with work, cancelled on me that afternoon because he hurt his back and I told him I’d only see him again if I wasn’t expected to wait another 3m. He disappeared off the face of the earth, popped up weeks later like no time had passed and wondered why I ripped him a new one about how poorly he’d treated me.

They’ll always try and come back, they’ll try and see how far they can push it. Laws of averages mean if they contact enough women when they’re after a date/distraction/hook up etc. one might be vulnerable or drunk enough to agree.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Bagpuss7 My favoured response is no response. I was never really into blocking, despite being blocked myself many times. I kind of like the thought of them checking their phone for once! Also there was a thread of Mumsnet advising dignified silence in these ridiculous games but on occasion I have sent the odd "coward" message as I don't believe letting them think they're irresistible makes me feel better! Of course at the moment none of these situations apply as I got to the end of my tether. I did get contacted during my Covid experience and that was a radio silence. Well done and to @Belle123 sometimes you just have to let time and events evolve to get there!

 

[Losa53]

Is anyone going through a dry spell of dates lol
I'm normally a big dater but not a single date arranged and barely talking to anyone

 

[Sandor]

I block the ones that have been problematic (or downright dangerous) and everyone else gets deleted but not blocked. It’s amazing how many of them just keep every number. I never reply when they text because I have no idea who they are.

I’m in adry spell through choice. Plenty of matches. Lots keen to meet. Perhaps if they weren’t waiting for me to plan, id say yes. But I’m not taking on the mental load right now.

 

[boomska]

In mens defefence, I smashed my phone screen on Saturday so it was totally unusable until I got it fixed. The phone repair shop I like to use only work till 12 on a Saturday (and I was busy) then is shut on Monday so I couldn’t go till this Monday. I’ve got it repaired but the way I smashed it, it kept on thinking someone was typing so it’s locked me so I’m gonna have to do a hard reboot. BUT I can’t remember my Apple ID password so I’ve asked for a request but they take a couple of days to be sent, and it’ll be with me on Friday so I’m using an old phone and downloaded messenger to contact family and friends. But in terms of the men I’m talking too? They’re gonna have to wait until I can access my Apple ID password to download WhatsApp, bumble etc and use the back up option for some of them to bring back the chat.

If I was talking to a man and he came back some bull like that as excuse, I wouldn’t believe him!
but luckily, I don’t have my last seen on WhatsApp and don’t use Facebook profile (only messenger!) AND the old phone I’m using is with a PAYG sim and even if I switch sims, I don’t have anyones number saved
So give them the benefit of the doubt to begin with ?

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Another thing. When I started all this I got a separate phone for the apps. I just thought it made sense especially back then when I was chatting (being blocked, ghosted, the reappearing ghosts etc) and didn't want all these messages on my friends/work phone. Cheap sim and it worked well. I know though that a second phone is deemed deeply suspicious by many but I was and am definitely single.

 

[Bagpuss7]

In mens defefence, I smashed my phone screen on Saturday so it was totally unusable until I got it fixed. The phone repair shop I like to use only work till 12 on a Saturday (and I was busy) then is shut on Monday so I couldn’t go till this Monday. I’ve got it repaired but the way I smashed it, it kept on thinking someone was typing so it’s locked me so I’m gonna have to do a hard reboot. BUT I can’t remember my Apple ID password so I’ve asked for a request but they take a couple of days to be sent, and it’ll be with me on Friday so I’m using an old phone and downloaded messenger to contact family and friends. But in terms of the men I’m talking too? They’re gonna have to wait until I can access my Apple ID password to download WhatsApp, bumble etc and use the back up option for some of them to bring back the chat.

If I was talking to a man and he came back some bull like that as excuse, I wouldn’t believe him!
but luckily, I don’t have my last seen on WhatsApp and don’t use Facebook profile (only messenger!) AND the old phone I’m using is with a PAYG sim and even if I switch sims, I don’t have anyones number saved
So give them the benefit of the doubt to begin with ?

I've never had the 'my phone broke' , I have however had the" I lost my phone, I left my phone at work / home and in the car! ' I think we can always give people the benefit of the doubt, I did it recently with Mr Saturday date who apparently lost his phone hence why he was awol all the first weekend of the week we started chatting, however that excuse plus all the other odd behaviour generally amounts to the same conclusion and that's a lying cheat. And my experience phone issues usually means there is a significant other in the picture who is the main reason for inconsistent contact.

 

[Bellaboonew12]

I was wondering about my date having a separate phone. For background we've been chatting about 10 days, we met up last Thursday evening and had a nice date, following it he sent a message saying he'd had a lovely time and wanted to do it again and hoped I didn't think he was too forward by suggesting a second date, however despite chatting over the weekend he has yet to actually arrange a second date.

BUT, here's the thing, during the entire time I've been chatting to him he is only even on line or last seen on whatsapp when he is messaging me, never in between. His last seen now says 10.31 saturday, the time of his last message to me and he only ever messages after 7pm and before 10.30. I'm beginning to wonder why, haha.

Edit to add, no profile pic on his WhatsApp either

 

[boomska]

Another thing. When I started all this I got a separate phone for the apps. I just thought it made sense especially back then when I was chatting (being blocked, ghosted, the reappearing ghosts etc) and didn't want all these messages on my friends/work phone. Cheap sim and it worked well. I know though that a second phone is deemed deeply suspicious by many but I was and am definitely single.

I have another phone with a different number for a number of reasons like my current phone breaks etc. it’s came in handy when I got banned off tinder and wanted to go on it. The minute I no longer tinder, (and can use my current phone!), this phone is going back in the draw!

 

[boomska]

I've never had the 'my phone broke' , I have however had the" I lost my phone, I left my phone at work / home and in the car! ' I think we can always give people the benefit of the doubt, I did it recently with Mr Saturday date who apparently lost his phone hence why he was awol all the first weekend of the week we started chatting, however that excuse plus all the other odd behaviour generally amounts to the same conclusion and that's a lying cheat. And my experience phone issues usually means there is a significant other in the picture who is the main reason for inconsistent contact.

yeah phone in the car/home is a bit of a BS excuse but the work I kinda get because the office might not be open 24/7. I would be less critical of that excuse is I guess what I’m trying to say!

I definitely would say follow your gut and communicate what’s making you feel this way if it’s something you want to improve.
But after breaking my phone, and ghosting someone two weeks ago, it’s giving me an insight into dating and my own behaviour and how much we obsessed over things while we probably don’t have too. Saying that, you KNOW how you want to be treating in a relationship or even dating so if something is off, it’s probably is!

 

[Belle123]

@Bagpuss7 My favoured response is no response. I was never really into blocking, despite being blocked myself many times. I kind of like the thought of them checking their phone for once! Also there was a thread of Mumsnet advising dignified silence in these ridiculous games but on occasion I have sent the odd "coward" message as I don't believe letting them think they're irresistible makes me feel better! Of course at the moment none of these situations apply as I got to the end of my tether. I did get contacted during my Covid experience and that was a radio silence. Well done and to @Belle123 sometimes you just have to let time and events evolve to get there!

Thanks, that’s spot on. We’re all different and handle our emotions differently. It’s a process and we do things in our own way and at our own pace. The situation evolved, as did I x

I agree that blocking is not the only option. I don’t always think blocking is necessary, especially when the man hasn’t done anything wrong as such. If you don’t think you can ignore him or deal with him contacting you then, by all means, block him.

Context is everything, and it’s important to know what you can handle. Silence is a good tool… and just deleting them. I’m a curious sod, and sometimes it’s entertaining to see what they’ll do next, even if I have no desire to talk again, let alone date them Blocking is my choice when their behaviour is off and I want to draw a firm boundary. Sending an unsolicited dick pic is a good example of something I’ll block over. It’s always a judgement call and how far you’re personally willing to go with giving someone a chance/the benefit of the doubt. I’ve had the whole I left my phone in the car/was out of signal etc crap. I gave the benefit of the doubt, the next excuse popped up and then I walked. No other opportunities given.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I was let down on a date. No phone call or text to explain. A week later a message "Hey babe () how are things? I asked why he hadn't messaged he couldn't make it? "There was an illness in the family & I couldn't exactly message in that situation could I?"
Get lost and no I won't be free again! Babe

 

[Belle123]

I was let down on a date. No phone call or text to explain. A week later a message "Hey babe () how are things? I asked why he hadn't messaged he couldn't make it? "There was an illness in the family & I couldn't exactly message in that situation could I?"
Get lost and no I won't be free again! Babe

There’s never an excuse for lacking courtesy, even if you can’t message for a bit. What gets my back up with these sorts is the lack of starting with an apology and explanation. They just try and act normal instead, and hope you’ve had memory loss/are very forgiving. They try and get away with it. If a sincere explanation is offered, coupled with an effort to put it right, then fair enough. Anything less and it’s bullshit! Going to what @boomska said about her phone troubles, I bet you’d explain yourself as soon as you could and lay it on thick. You wouldn’t try and get away with it. It’s how the bullshitters behave that gives the game away, and not necessarily the fact they’ve gone quiet/missed the date or whatever has occurred.

 

[boomska]

There’s never an excuse for lacking courtesy, even if you can’t message for a bit. What gets my back up with these sorts is the lack of starting with an apology and explanation. They just try and act normal instead, and hope you’ve had memory loss/are very forgiving. They try and get away with it. If a sincere explanation is offered, coupled with an effort to put it right, then fair enough. Anything less and it’s bullshit! Going to what @boomska said about her phone troubles, I bet you’d explain yourself as soon as you could and lay it on thick. You wouldn’t try and get away with it. It’s how the bullshitters behave that gives the game away, and not necessarily the fact they’ve gone quiet/missed the date or whatever has occurred.

Oh yeah totally- I’ll be so apologetic and suggest a date to see them again. And I know the name of someone I’m currently talking to so I could track him on Facebook but think that would be a bit too weird?! And I think this “distance” is doing us good to be honest!
But I normally would kick off about lack of communication etc, (I’ve got a short temper!) but now I’m in this position, it’s definitely going to change how I communicate and how much worth I still put on other people!

 

[Bagpuss7]

There’s never an excuse for lacking courtesy, even if you can’t message for a bit. What gets my back up with these sorts is the lack of starting with an apology and explanation. They just try and act normal instead, and hope you’ve had memory loss/are very forgiving. They try and get away with it. If a sincere explanation is offered, coupled with an effort to put it right, then fair enough. Anything less and it’s bullshit! Going to what @boomska said about her phone troubles, I bet you’d explain yourself as soon as you could and lay it on thick. You wouldn’t try and get away with it. It’s how the bullshitters behave that gives the game away, and not necessarily the fact they’ve gone quiet/missed the date or whatever has occurred.

And i don't know about anyone else but if I had seriously messed up I would call the person and either speak to them or leave a voice mail or even a voice note not a text!

Life happens we all know that but the lack of courtesy, respect and kindness there is never a valid excuse for that level of rudeness.

And @Belle123 that's exactly how I am, I have a need to understand the whys even though I know at times there won't be an explanation.