Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[Bagpuss7]

Obviously I did walk away in the end this was like a five minute conversation. I’m a very timid person and I get scared of what a man could do if I’m rude back to them, I’ll never see him again probably (hopefully) so it’s not like it’s going to effect my life in any way. I was in a situation where I couldn’t just up and leave my friend on her own and I absolutely hate confrontation. I’ve done nothing wrong anyway, it’s him who was in the wrong not me.

I wasnt suggesting you did anything wrong but your text implied it was longer than a 5 minute conversation.

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

I was suggesting you did anything wrong but your text implied it was longer than a 5 minute conversation.

You said I should’ve walked away or I should’ve stood up for myself. And it’s possible to insult someone in the space of a few minutes as it’s words that don’t take long to say. You wouldn’t say to a woman who’d be physically hurt that they should’ve walked away or stood up for themselves, and being emotionally hurt shouldn’t be any different really. It makes no difference the man will still be a dick however you respond. No offence that’s just how I took your reply.

Yeah the single me would have annihilated him but then I guess I wouldn’t be in this position lol. And tbh this guy prob expected that from me too but I was like nah cba and didn’t respond and I just KNOW that’ll have made him more butthurt lol. The circle of life lol

No response is the best response to a fool because often they are looking for an argument and it irritates them more when they don’t get one, than if you actually engaged in a war of words with them. Which is going back to why I didn’t respond to the insults thrown at me.

 

[Kitty kat 20]

So I talk to this guy daily on sc & WhatsApp, been talking since March. I don't think anything can come of it as we live opposite ends of the country.
Anyway, I hadn't been on my phone for a few hours because I was out of the house and didn't have mobile data. He'd messaged in that time asking if I was ghosting him, as he'd not heard from me.

I replied when I was home with WiFi, apologised and explained the situation with the Data, and reassured him absolutely no ghosting.

He'd been online since my last message, but not opened it. So I got pissed off & before I went to bed just said along the lines of "I can see you've been online & not replied. This has really hurt me, duck you" (not my most mature moment) I felt like he was punishing me.

He's messaged this morning, not apologising, but just saying he's not ignoring me he had a family crisis

I'm here rolling my eyes because this thread has shown me men say this so many times, also it's a bit of a red flag to me that he's not apologised.

For context, I have BPD so my perception isn't always the best. Him not replying & him asking if I was ghosting are both very out of character behaviours

Am I overreacting?

So the way I see it is you either need to meet him or end it because you're getting invested in him and I think you already have and believe me that's not a good thing.

I recently had my own experience of this and got badly hurt so I'm no expert. But I think both of ye need to discuss what it is and is it going anywhere if not let it be.

That's a long time to be chatting with no meet up planned unless it's only a penpal thing and if so then it shouldn't be so intense if he doesn't text.

 

[Bagpuss7]

You said I should’ve walked away or I should’ve stood up for myself. And it’s possible to insult someone in the space of a few minutes as it’s words that don’t take long to say. You wouldn’t say to a woman who’d be physically hurt that they should’ve walked away or stood up for themselves, and being emotionally hurt shouldn’t be any different really. It makes no difference the man will still be a dick however you respond. No offence that’s just how I took your reply.


No response is the best response to a fool because often they are looking for an argument and it irritates them more when they don’t get one, than if you actually engaged in a war of words with them. Which is going back to why I didn’t respond to the insults thrown at me.

My comment was a general comment not aimed specifically at you although I can see why you might think that. I don't think you can compare someone being physically abused to someone being spoken to in the manner you were though tbh. To sit in silence whilst a stranger is saying rude comment after comment seems odd to me but guess you do what works for you in these situations.

 

[grumpy_curry]

My comment was a general comment not aimed specifically at you although I can see why you might think that. I don't think you can compare someone being physically abused to someone being spoken to in the manner you were though tbh. To sit in silence whilst a stranger is saying rude comment after comment seems odd to me but guess you do what works for you in these situations.

While I get your point, there are any number of reasons why someone might "take" verbal abuse and is unable to stand up for themselves.

I have been in situations like these and it took me years of therapy to understand, and another couple of years of therapy to implement changes to my freeze response.

It's not that easy for everyone, but I'm glad you are able to do so!

 

[boomska]

I’ve asked out someone out for drinks after we both said we missed each other. Still no reply. Normally I’m not bothered about the outcome and have no fear of rejection in this sense but I’m bricking it this time- I must like him! Ahhhhhhhh

Asked him at 9:15am this morning. Still nothing. He does work in a prison though so not like he can be on his phone

 

[Kimmylookatme]

Asked him at 9:15am this morning. Still nothing. He does work in a prison though so not like he can be on his phone

Two of my best mates work in a prison and they never access their phones between like at least 8 when they go in and 6 when they leave, good luck!

 

[candyland_]

Why is he so hot and cold? I don’t get how people can be like this in a supposedly loving relationship.

I honestly have no idea.
We usually text everyday.. it’s not unusual for us to go a day or so but it’s rare. Since June it’s become more often.

Around that time I pulled away from him when I had a lot going on but I’ve been making an effort to fix that. I don’t know if his feelings and interested have just fizzled out because of the hot/cold vibes I’m getting.

There’s the slim possibility he’s giving me space to enjoy time with my daughter.. He knew I’d been away from her for a few nights but that would probably be wishful thinking

Asked him at 9:15am this morning. Still nothing. He does work in a prison though so not like he can be on his phone

I hope he replies soon.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@candyland_ I often see comments like "relationships should be easy, they shouldn't be difficult" but the reality is very different isn't it? It's all about guaging and assessing and analysing with bouts of feeling secure now and again. At least that's always been my experience . I hope you sort it out. It's not a nice feeling wondering what's going on?

 

[candyland_]

@candyland_ I often see comments like "relationships should be easy, they shouldn't be difficult" but the reality is very different isn't it? It's all about guaging and assessing and analysing with bouts of feeling secure now and again. At least that's always been my experience . I hope you sort it out. It's not a nice feeling wondering what's going on?

Our relationship has never been easy
We had been doing good recently and our last contact was fine so who knows what’s going on. I could always be the adult and text him but I want to see if he wants to talk to me off his own back.

My lad friends think I’m mental for even worrying about it

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

This charming creature may be available!

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

My comment was a general comment not aimed specifically at you although I can see why you might think that. I don't think you can compare someone being physically abused to someone being spoken to in the manner you were though tbh. To sit in silence whilst a stranger is saying rude comment after comment seems odd to me but guess you do what works for you in these situations.

Being emotionally abused is harmful as is being physically abused, sometimes emotional abuse scars more, so that’s actually incorrect that it isn’t as harmful. If you think do what works for you then why comment on how I handled it? It was obviously aimed at me as you replied back to me - I stand by the fact I didn’t nothing wrong, the man who insulted me was in the wrong. This isn’t me choosing to be with a man who’s insulted me this is a random insult I’ve had, I wish we’d stop telling women to deal with things better and instead tell men to be better.

While I get your point, there are any number of reasons why someone might "take" verbal abuse and is unable to stand up for themselves.

I have been in situations like these and it took me years of therapy to understand, and another couple of years of therapy to implement changes to my freeze response.

It's not that easy for everyone, but I'm glad you are able to do so!

Thank you. I do freeze in these situations. I have my reasons for this. And never assume quiet is weak and loud is strong - often the opposite. Why would I loose my class and dignity to argue with someone who has none (the man that is, not Bagpuss)

 

[boomska]

Two of my best mates work in a prison and they never access their phones between like at least 8 when they go in and 6 when they leave, good luck!

thank You! I’m starting to think I’ve made a terrible decision of asking him…

 

[Bagpuss7]

Being emotionally abused is harmful as is being physically abused, sometimes emotional abuse scars more, so that’s actually incorrect that it isn’t as harmful. If you think do what works for you then why comment on how I handled it? It was obviously aimed at me as you replied back to me - I stand by the fact I didn’t nothing wrong, the man who insulted me was in the wrong. This isn’t me choosing to be with a man who’s insulted me this is a random insult I’ve had, I wish we’d stop telling women to deal with things better and instead tell men to be better.


Thank you. I do freeze in these situations. I have my reasons for this. And never assume quiet is weak and loud is strong - often the opposite. Why would I loose my class and dignity to argue with someone who has none (the man that is, not Bagpuss)

I think we should draw a line under this as text is always open to misinterpretation which is what has happened here. I don't think you did anything wrong and I absolutely agree men should be held to a higher standard to behave better.

 

[boomska]

10 hours later, still radio silent on my text also my Jim out for drinks dunno how to play this now?

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

I think we should draw a line under this as text is always open to misinterpretation which is what has happened here. I don't think you did anything wrong and I absolutely agree men should be held to a higher standard to behave better.

Yes totally, I’m not here to be difficult or argue! Just share experiences and advice x

 

[Bagpuss7]

Yes totally, I’m not here to be difficult or argue! Just share experiences and advice x

Exactly and me too, I enjoy reading your posts

 

[Thank(space)you]

@al255 @Bagpuss7 @DollyDiamondxo

Thank you for your replies. We are definitely invested, him so more than I (he was really jealous when I mentioned I'd slept with a friend recently) - he is aware I'm on dating apps.

We both want to meet but agreed it would be easier in the 6 week holidays due to kids going on holiday and sleepovers etc.
He has said to me we would figure a way to make it work, but I'm less optimistic (he is aware of that) I'm Somerset he's Newcastle so literally opposite ends of the country.

We got talking accidentally but hit it off and we do enjoy talking to each other. Just a bit of a mess.


In other news a guy asked for my number earlier, a few texts in he tells me he's not single he has a partner and has kids with her so obviously very serious!

 

[boomska]

How do I be ok with not getting a text back?! I normally want to text something sassy or “we’re only gonna be friends aren’t we?” And I’m trying to keep myself but it’s so hard!!

 

[al255]

How do I be ok with not getting a text back?! I normally want to text something sassy or “we’re only gonna be friends aren’t we?” And I’m trying to keep myself but it’s so hard!!

Don’t stress - are you sure they’re defoooo not still at work? Wait until the morning. DO NOT send another text. Just wait, wait, wait for a reply x