Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[Bagpuss7]

Anyone else hate when men insult you as a flirting tactic. Saturday night I had constant insults off a bloke who I barely know, I was out drinking at a pub, he’s telling me I pick the wrong ones I should date him while also telling me I look like I’ve aged, I’m stupid, just some not very nice things. I wouldn’t look twice at him anyway, I could do much better, he probably knows that and that’s why he resorted to insults. I might of picked the wrong ones but that’s because I wanted them; atleast I haven’t settled for anyone I didn’t want like him for example lol. I’d hate to be with a man like that they’d be so controlling jealous and damage your self esteem. I’m too polite and shy to stick up for myself aswell in them situations. But basically what I’m trying to say is sarcasm and insults are red flags.


I’d say he’s done that because he thought you were ghosting him when you didn’t message him, so he’s panicked and thought it doesn’t feel good so I’ll get in there first and do it! Which is silly and I could be wrong but I’ve been in a similar situation myself. A case of ‘rather leave than be left’ kinda thing. It’s normal to feel upset, I suffer from mental health problems too and it does cloud your judgement of things sometimes. If you’ve been chatting daily since March your bound to form a bond and be in a routine of talking. So what’s happened since this?

I think a key word in that first sentence was insult. I completely understand the not being confrontational bit but to stand there and allow a man to insult you and not say anything? Nope. You either walk away or you speak up for yourself. And the fact he was doing it as some sort of weird flirting ritual ? Wow !

 

[candyland_]

So I talk to this guy daily on sc & WhatsApp, been talking since March. I don't think anything can come of it as we live opposite ends of the country.
Anyway, I hadn't been on my phone for a few hours because I was out of the house and didn't have mobile data. He'd messaged in that time asking if I was ghosting him, as he'd not heard from me.

I replied when I was home with WiFi, apologised and explained the situation with the Data, and reassured him absolutely no ghosting.

He'd been online since my last message, but not opened it. So I got pissed off & before I went to bed just said along the lines of "I can see you've been online & not replied. This has really hurt me, duck you" (not my most mature moment) I felt like he was punishing me.

He's messaged this morning, not apologising, but just saying he's not ignoring me he had a family crisis

I'm here rolling my eyes because this thread has shown me men say this so many times, also it's a bit of a red flag to me that he's not apologised.

For context, I have BPD so my perception isn't always the best. Him not replying & him asking if I was ghosting are both very out of character behaviours

Am I overreacting?

I hate being purposely ignored.. it releases the venom in me but in this case it sounds way too deep for what it is.
I think you both overreacted. It’s weird that he was acting the way he did after a few hours of no contact and I’m guessing there was no crisis, he was just sulking. You probably could have slept on it and waited to see if he replied the next morning but I understand the impulsiveness.

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

I think a key word in that first sentence was insult. I completely understand the not being confrontational bit but to stand there and allow a man to insult you and not say anything? Nope. You either walk away or you speak up for yourself. And the fact he was doing it as some sort of weird flirting ritual ? Wow !

Obviously I did walk away in the end this was like a five minute conversation. I’m a very timid person and I get scared of what a man could do if I’m rude back to them, I’ll never see him again probably (hopefully) so it’s not like it’s going to effect my life in any way. I was in a situation where I couldn’t just up and leave my friend on her own and I absolutely hate confrontation. I’ve done nothing wrong anyway, it’s him who was in the wrong not me.

 

[candyland_]

I haven’t talked to mine since Sunday night.. I have no idea what’s going on with him. We are OK and then there’s this radio silence

I’m won’t be popping up.. I want him to make the effort.

 

[Sandor]

Obviously I did walk away in the end this was like a five minute conversation. I’m a very timid person and I get scared of what a man could do if I’m rude back to them, I’ll never see him again probably (hopefully) so it’s not like it’s going to effect my life in any way. I was in a situation where I couldn’t just up and leave my friend on her own and I absolutely hate confrontation. I’ve done nothing wrong anyway, it’s him who was in the wrong not me.

It’s called negging and many men think it’s a valid tactic to reel a woman in. Lots of backhanded compliments, you’d be x if it wasn’t for y etc. it’s immature but unfortunately effective in many scenarios. Basically the reverse psychology of flirting as it taps into the rejected child anxiety who want to prove they can be chosen. Don’t give it another thought. He was wrong, you’re not to blame for his vileness.

 

[Captainmouse]

 

[candyland_]

I’m not a catfish so duck wondering why this man hasn’t text me for two days

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

It’s called negging and many men think it’s a valid tactic to reel a woman in. Lots of backhanded compliments, you’d be x if it wasn’t for y etc. it’s immature but unfortunately effective in many scenarios. Basically the reverse psychology of flirting as it taps into the rejected child anxiety who want to prove they can be chosen. Don’t give it another thought. He was wrong, you’re not to blame for his vileness.

That sounds exactly what it was, great explaination. Yes I’ve comforted myself in thinking that thank god I don’t have a man like that in my life! I’ll avoid that place in future. I think a lot of guys on dating apps do this aswell, I’ve been lucky not to experience it on there.

I’m not a catfish so duck wondering why this man hasn’t text me for two days

Do you usually text everyday? It’s when the texting pattern switches up isn’t it so annoying

 

[al255]

I’m not a catfish so duck wondering why this man hasn’t text me for two days

Why is he so hot and cold? I don’t get how people can be like this in a supposedly loving relationship.

 

[grumpy_curry]

Why is he so hot and cold? I don’t get how people can be like this in a supposedly loving relationship.

Oh my god yes, this is the most annoying tit ever. Just bleeping tell me when you need a day, or two or heck, even a week! of "you- time". Let me know what's going on with you and I will never hold that against you! But to just drop off the face of the earth and stop communication is the worst thing.

I had that happen in my last relationship (now ex), and for the life of me I couldn't understand why he would do that. I weren't texting every five minutes but once or twice a day just to check in. And he of course did that BS when I was away on holiday, ruining my time and making me an anxious mess until I got back. So glad I dropped that fucker. I'm still angry about that relationship tbh. What a stupid asshole he was.

 

[lurkingaround123]

Oh my god yes, this is the most annoying tit ever. Just bleeping tell me when you need a day, or two or heck, even a week! of "you- time". Let me know what's going on with you and I will never hold that against you! But to just drop off the face of the earth and stop communication is the worst thing.

I had that happen in my last relationship (now ex), and for the life of me I couldn't understand why he would do that. I weren't texting every five minutes but once or twice a day just to check in. And he of course did that BS when I was away on holiday, ruining my time and making me an anxious mess until I got back. So glad I dropped that fucker. I'm still angry about that relationship tbh. What a stupid asshole he was.

I think men are nurtured to be more selfish than us because they don't have the notion of caring about everyone else's feelings before their own shoved down their throats from birth in the same way women do. Stupid and a mindset which they need to get out of.
Its always the women on here speaking about giving chances and feeling bad for doing something, and I really think most men just don't have that same level of care or conscience, even the good ones

 

[Kimmylookatme]

I think men are nurtured to be more selfish than us because they don't have the notion of caring about everyone else's feelings before their own shoved down their throats from birth in the same way women do. Stupid and a mindset which they need to get out of.
Its always the women on here speaking about giving chances and feeling bad for doing something, and I really think most men just don't have that same level of care or conscience, even the good ones

yes this x100000!
we take on so much more of the emotional load whether we are parents are not. I know theres Arguably a choice for us not to take it on but most of us are too emotionally in tune and caring to be able to let it slide completely. How many times is it the woman who sends the mans family members birthday cards? How many times is it the woman who makes sure the day to day stuff like lunchboxes and reading records are done? When I think of my bf, and he is a good one, there’s still such a big element of only really having to think about himself and I can’t imagine that way of being… in the last week alone I’ve had a variety of men’s emotional tit dumped on me whether it’s been the father of my children, an ex who popped back up after a year, a random colleague… but they don’t Often do it back

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@DollyDiamondxo I really get that underlying fear of what a man could do if you upset them.
Not that long ago I was being messaged on POF by a guy and I explained that I wasn't currently looking for anything, good luck etc.
He kept messaging saying where's the harm meeting so eventually after much thought, I thought ok I'm doing it, I'm so reclusive these days. He wanted us to have a telephone chat so I agreed and phoned. So now he has my number. During the chat (I had a weird feeling about him, didn't like his voice) and when he started to question about what shape I'm in, that he doesn't do overweight women I just thought piss off.
I ended the call but I knew I didn't want to meet him. I thought about blocking and went through all scenarios in my head of him being an IT expert, tracking me down for blocking him. In the end I did because I really didn't like the sound of him and didn't feel I owed him any kind of explanation plus the hurt I've felt from a couple of blockings clouds my judgement. I do carry a fear of somehow communication with one of these dangerous nutters online yet originally I was so gullible and trusting and needing validation, it was very far off my radar.

 

[boomska]

I’ve asked out someone out for drinks after we both said we missed each other. Still no reply. Normally I’m not bothered about the outcome and have no fear of rejection in this sense but I’m bricking it this time- I must like him! Ahhhhhhhh

 

[xcyber]

Anyone else hate when men insult you as a flirting tactic. Saturday night I had constant insults off a bloke who I barely know, I was out drinking at a pub, he’s telling me I pick the wrong ones I should date him while also telling me I look like I’ve aged, I’m stupid, just some not very nice things. I wouldn’t look twice at him anyway, I could do much better, he probably knows that and that’s why he resorted to insults. I might of picked the wrong ones but that’s because I wanted them; atleast I haven’t settled for anyone I didn’t want like him for example lol. I’d hate to be with a man like that they’d be so controlling jealous and damage your self esteem. I’m too polite and shy to stick up for myself aswell in them situations. But basically what I’m trying to say is sarcasm and insults are red flags.

I think someone’s just said it but yeah it’s negging and honestly I find it so cringe now. I posted a picture of my bf on insta a couple days ago and a guy who id been out with a few times over the last few years and slept with who was always really hard to read DM’d me. We always had like a sexual attraction but he was just so hard to read and seemed almost defensive all the time and I just could never tell what he wanted. Anyway, I unfollowed him a couple of years ago because it felt like a pointless back and forth but he still follows me. And then he sent me the DMs below. . It’s so transparent that he’s trying to neg me and a couple years ago I might have reacted but now I just kind of laugh because it’s quite embarrassing for him. Thanks for letting me know you’re obsessed with both me and my boyfriend, loser.

 

[Megera]

Been following this thread for ages but never posted and I love reading all your advice.

Having a little dilemma, I'm 10 months out of a relationship and only just started dating again - I've been hurt a lot in the past so very wary.

I downloaded tinder for the first time last Thursday, started chatting to the guy on Friday and it was constant chat all night, we spoke all day Saturday and we ended up being out in the same bar on Saturday night. We spent the whole evening together dancing, i also met his friends and he mine. His friends were saying how much of a great girl I was and he was also saying he couldn't wait to take me on a proper date.

It was pretty much a given that we were going back together as we kissed pretty early on in the night, he ended up coming back to mine and we slept together (we had also both bonded quite quickly over the fact we had both been in a long term relationship and engaged, with both of us being cheated on!).

We spent all Sunday together, until he finally left and went home. He text me pretty much straight away after saying he had fun and would like to arrange to see me again. I obviously agreed and we had been messaging pretty consistently up until today - replies have got a bit slow and I actually haven't heard from him since last night? Am I over thinking? I feel like we really connected so I just feel a bit stupid for getting so excited and letting things progress so quickly....?

Is this the start of being ghosted...?

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

I think someone’s just said it but yeah it’s negging and honestly I find it so cringe now. I posted a picture of my bf on insta a couple days ago and a guy who id been out with a few times over the last few years and slept with who was always really hard to read DM’d me. We always had like a sexual attraction but he was just so hard to read and seemed almost defensive all the time and I just could never tell what he wanted. Anyway, I unfollowed him a couple of years ago because it felt like a pointless back and forth but he still follows me. And then he sent me the DMs below. . It’s so transparent that he’s trying to neg me and a couple years ago I might have reacted but now I just kind of laugh because it’s quite embarrassing for him. Thanks for letting me know you’re obsessed with both me and my boyfriend, loser.

I’m sorry what have I just read! This guy is obviously butt hurt that your now in a content relationship with by the sounds of it some kind of brad Pitt lookalike so he’s used this opportunity to try and put you down. This is my point, why react and let them know your bothered? When you can just try and let it go over your head. He’s making it sound like he’s after your fella aswell, I’d be asking him if he was sure of his sexuality lol. It all goes back to men getting nasty when they’ve been rejected. They are so entitled. So negging is common then and another tactic they use.

 

[xcyber]

Been following this thread for ages but never posted and I love reading all your advice.

Having a little dilemma, I'm 10 months out of a relationship and only just started dating again - I've been hurt a lot in the past so very wary.

I downloaded tinder for the first time last Thursday, started chatting to the guy on Friday and it was constant chat all night, we spoke all day Saturday and we ended up being out in the same bar on Saturday night. We spent the whole evening together dancing, i also met his friends and he mine. His friends were saying how much of a great girl I was and he was also saying he couldn't wait to take me on a proper date.

It was pretty much a given that we were going back together as we kissed pretty early on in the night, he ended up coming back to mine and we slept together (we had also both bonded quite quickly over the fact we had both been in a long term relationship and engaged, with both of us being cheated on!).

We spent all Sunday together, until he finally left and went home. He text me pretty much straight away after saying he had fun and would like to arrange to see me again. I obviously agreed and we had been messaging pretty consistently up until today - replies have got a bit slow and I actually haven't heard from him since last night? Am I over thinking? I feel like we really connected so I just feel a bit stupid for getting so excited and letting things progress so quickly....?

Is this the start of being ghosted...?

hmmmm I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that you’re being ghosted however, this is often the problem with things that happen so intensely and so quickly, they inevitably slow down and lose steam. It’s why personally I’m more of a ‘slow and steady wins the race’ mindset. However, that’s not to say this couldn’t still go well. The thing you need to do is take a little step back, this can seem hard when you’ve been speeding through things seamlessly.Try not to fixate on the shift in situation. It can be hard to try

I’m sorry what have I just read! This guy is obviously butt hurt that your now in a content relationship with by the sounds of it some kind of brad Pitt lookalike so he’s used this opportunity to try and put you down. This is my point, why react and let them know your bothered? When you can just try and let it go over your head. He’s making it sound like he’s after your fella aswell, I’d be asking him if he was sure of his sexuality lol. It all goes back to men getting nasty when they’ve been rejected. They are so entitled. So negging is common then and another tactic they use.

Thank you! When I read the message I was like errrrrrrr how bizarre. Luckily I’m confident enough in myself and know I’m fit but it was so weird to have someone message me after 2 years too say that and also like be persistent with it lol. I felt embarrassed for him tbh. You just wonder what goes through their minds when they act like this lol.

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

hmmmm I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that you’re being ghosted however, this is often the problem with things that happen so intensely and so quickly, they inevitably slow down and lose steam. It’s why personally I’m more of a ‘slow and steady wins the race’ mindset. However, that’s not to say this couldn’t still go well. The thing you need to do is take a little step back, this can seem hard when you’ve been speeding through things seamlessly.Try not to fixate on the shift in situation. It can be hard to try


Thank you! When I read the message I was like errrrrrrr how bizarre. Luckily I’m confident enough in myself and know I’m fit but it was so weird to have someone message me after 2 years too say that and also like be persistent with it lol. I felt embarrassed for him tbh. You just wonder what goes through their minds when they act like this lol.

Omg this is me a guy could tell me I’m ugly (as they have before) and I don’t care because I think I’m kinda pretty. Deffo not perfect, but I’m happy in my own skin! It’s the best attitude to have! Ino he couldn’t just stop at one message either.. he was blatantly triggered lol. Should’ve set let’s see who you’ve pulled then recently babe! Lol. Social media’s a buggar for stuff like this though. I’ve actually never had an insult on the dating apps! Not me persuading myself to get back on them

 

[xcyber]

Omg this is me a guy could tell me I’m ugly (as they have before) and I don’t care because I think I’m kinda pretty. Deffo not perfect, but I’m happy in my own skin! It’s the best attitude to have! Ino he couldn’t just stop at one message either.. he was blatantly triggered lol. Should’ve set let’s see who you’ve pulled then recently babe! Lol. Social media’s a buggar for stuff like this though. I’ve actually never had an insult on the dating apps! Not me persuading myself to get back on them

Yeah the single me would have annihilated him but then I guess I wouldn’t be in this position lol. And tbh this guy prob expected that from me too but I was like nah cba and didn’t respond and I just KNOW that’ll have made him more butthurt lol. The circle of life lol