Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

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Thing is though some things he’s said In the past have been hurtful but then a month later, I’m back in his bed. So him smooth talking doesn’t really apply in this situation

Hurtful in what way? Deliberately hurtful personal comments?

I have to echo the worries others have expressed. The sudden about turn when you suggested that if a date was off the table so was sex is quite typical of someone manipulating a situation for their own benefit. I can’t commit to meet you for a drink at any time in the near future, but let’s not be hasty about not having sex again! Let’s just see how it goes and not rule anything out. Bit too convenient…

I think you might have the good sex haze where you’re not thinking with your head or your heart I’ve been there! Unfortunately often the best sex is with men who aren’t necessarily the greatest choice for a relationship.

 

[suzuka]

So my latest pen pal may be a time waster as well. We chatted for 2 weeks and although he hadn't asked me out he was really consistent and invested in texting. Said he was shy and didn't want to ruin things, so I reckoned some people just need a bit more time. But the last few days something started shifting, and he took awhile to reply to my message with a non-conversational, quite cold one liner. Like it may not mean anything but you know when your gut tells you they're not as interested?

My point is, I did my best to not get emotionally invested into someone I haven't met, but I partially failed because it's hard not to with such a continuous conversation. And the way they completely shift the mood from one day to another, the hot and the cold, is just amazing. No wonder why so many women here have been fed up with apps and dating.

 

[Bagpuss7]

So my latest pen pal may be a time waster as well. We chatted for 2 weeks and although he hadn't asked me out he was really consistent and invested in texting. Said he was shy and didn't want to ruin things, so I reckoned some people just need a bit more time. But the last few days something started shifting, and he took awhile to reply to my message with a non-conversational, quite cold one liner. Like it may not mean anything but you know when your gut tells you they're not as interested?

My point is, I did my best to not get emotionally invested into someone I haven't met, but I partially failed because it's hard not to with such a continuous conversation. And the way they completely shift the mood from one day to another, the hot and the cold, is just amazing. No wonder why so many women here have been fed up with apps and dating.

Have you raised your concern with him ? Asked if all is well ? Could be something has happened in his life ?

 

[candyland_]

I hope it works out for you @boomska but it doesn’t sound like a great combination, especially since he has hurt you in the past.

 

[Bagpuss7]

I hope it works out for you @boomska but it doesn’t sound like a great combination, especially since he has hurt you in the past.

Completely agree, just sex is never a foundation for a relationship. I'd be questioning why I'm good enough for sex but not worth taking out for a drink or dinner. In my experience the end goal with most men is the sex so if you are offering that up for free so to speak they absolutely don't need to graft for it ..as in doing dates etc.

 

[grumpy_curry]

Thing is though some things he’s said In the past have been hurtful but then a month later, I’m back in his bed. So him smooth talking doesn’t really apply in this situation

Uh you're making it sound like you don't have any agency in this situation?! Why do you keep sleeping with a guy that says hurtful stuff to you?

 

[boomska]

Uh you're making it sound like you don't have any agency in this situation?! Why do you keep sleeping with a guy that says hurtful stuff to you?

I never said what was hurtful lol so it may have been something hurtful to me cause I hate rejection, but when I’ve thought about it and time has passed, it wasn’t hurtful but just the truth y’know?

I hope it works out for you @boomska but it doesn’t sound like a great combination, especially since he has hurt you in the past.

thank you. I definitely think I’ve got walls up and need to let them down and forgot what’s happened in the past previously! X

 

[Bagpuss7]

I never said what was hurtful lol so it may have been something hurtful to me cause I hate rejection, but when I’ve thought about it and time has passed, it wasn’t hurtful but just the truth y’know?



thank you. I definitely think I’ve got walls up and need to let them down and forgot what’s happened in the past previously! X

Now I'm really confused! Hope it all works out for you.

 

[LaBlonde]

I never said what was hurtful lol so it may have been something hurtful to me cause I hate rejection, but when I’ve thought about it and time has passed, it wasn’t hurtful but just the truth y’know?

i too am confused.

it’s also fairly worrying if he said something that, at the time. you felt was hurtful but now somehow think is “the truth”? especially if that hurtful thing was about your fear of rejection, like you’re implying. it’s cruel to bring up someone’s legitimate fear, and then change that into being “true”.

but ultimately we can only comment on the information you’re providing, which from my pov, is that you’re giving this man all of the control of the situation, when he has previously said hurtful things to you and only messaged you back when you jokingly threatened not to have sex with him.

you’re pinning all of this on you letting your walls down, what is he going to do for you in return?! tread carefully with this because i am getting all sorts of bad vibes and don’t want you to be hurt.

 

[Bagpuss7]

i too am confused.

it’s also fairly worrying if he said something that, at the time. you felt was hurtful but now somehow think is “the truth”? especially if that hurtful thing was about your fear of rejection, like you’re implying. it’s cruel to bring up someone’s legitimate fear, and then change that into being “true”.

but ultimately we can only comment on the information you’re providing, which from my pov, is that you’re giving this man all of the control of the situation, when he has previously said hurtful things to you and only messaged you back when you jokingly threatened not to have sex with him.

you’re pinning all of this on you letting your walls down, what is he going to do for you in return?! tread carefully with this because i am getting all sorts of bad vibes and don’t want you to be hurt.

Worded my thoughts too...if I'm correct this is the same guy that is flakey with his communications and the reason given because he works in a prison ? My opinion is that as far as he is concerned you are a fwb more the sex benefits than a friend but you are communicating with him or trying to like you are in a relationship. He appears to be very blunt with you and from what you've said has no interest in you other than to have sex. Perhaps you need to have a good think about what you get out of these interactions with him and if it's what you truly want and if it works for you.

 

[candyland_]

I never said what was hurtful lol so it may have been something hurtful to me cause I hate rejection, but when I’ve thought about it and time has passed, it wasn’t hurtful but just the truth y’know?



thank you. I definitely think I’ve got walls up and need to let them down and forgot what’s happened in the past previously! X

I would say keep them up a little longer with this one.. Just until he proves he’s making an effort.

I’d be interested to know what his communication has been like previously?

 

[suzuka]

Have you raised your concern with him ? Asked if all is well ? Could be something has happened in his life ?

I know you mean well, but I feel as if I'm on the interrogation bench with all the question marks. Given that we can't share all the details of all the conversations, I think we should trust each other here more that we've made an appropriate conclusion based on our interactions and gut, without having to justify ourselves.

 

[Bagpuss7]

I know you mean well, but I feel as if I'm on the interrogation bench with all the question marks. Given that we can't share all the details of all the conversations, I think we should trust each other here more that we've made an appropriate conclusion based on our interactions and gut, without having to justify ourselves.

They are 3 questions relating to the message you posted. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone but I assumed you came here looking for advice and help.

 

[suzuka]

They are 3 questions relating to the message you posted. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone but I assumed you came here looking for advice and help.

They're really valid, but I'd have to go to lengthy explanations. I just want to share with people who had similar experiences. While respecting that people have different things going on in their life, there's just that nagging feeling that something's not right that usually turns out to be true. Like not putting an effort into meeting up even after I mentioned it, that's I think the biggest flag.

 

[Bagpuss7]

They're really valid, but I'd have to go to lengthy explanations. I just want to share with people who had similar experiences. While respecting that people have different things going on in their life, there's just that nagging feeling that something's not right that usually turns out to be true. Like not putting an effort into meeting up even after I mentioned it, that's I think the biggest flag.

Perhaps next time maybe say that rather than make me feel like I've upset you when all I was doing was trying to help.


We all have experiences of the slow fade / ghosting and more often than not our instinct turns out to be correct especially if you have asked the questions about all being well with them. And in my experience the ones that don't want to meet up, or cant be drawn on sorting a meetup, well that turns out to be because they can't because they are already in a relationship.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I think it also depends how far the line you are in online dating (ha) apps. I imagine if I'd been on this thread back in the beginning my attitude may well have been very different. I would have been trying to accept it as it was, a bit of fun, not expecting too much etc.etc.
It's like a rite of passage and takes us all such different times.
When I think of the disappointment I felt at the criticism, the negging, the ghosting and blocking and I was at points early on turning it on myself. I clearly just was not "right" as I was. Not attractive enough, not cool enough, sexy enough.
It took a lot of time for me to reach the point where I accepted that yes, this feels awful and I can't keep on putting myself out there. I can't even imagine how bad it is if you really WANT a relationship, commitment, have children. I've always been a bit ambivalent about what I do want!

 

[LaBlonde]

Perhaps next time maybe say that rather than make me feel like I've upset you when all I was doing was trying to help.

it’s okay bagpuss i automatically assume any post here is an invitation for discussion or to share experiences - perhaps wrongly!

it might be worth people, like you said, saying “just a rant” or something similar so we know they just want to vent rather than being questioned on other details. i know we never want anyone to be upset here.

I think it also depends how far the line you are in online dating (ha) apps. I imagine if I'd been on this thread back in the beginning my attitude may well have been very different. I would have been trying to accept it as it was, a bit of fun, not expecting too much etc.etc.
It's like a rite of passage and takes us all such different times.
When I think of the disappointment I felt at the criticism, the negging, the ghosting and blocking and I was at points early on turning it on myself. I clearly just was not "right" as I was. Not attractive enough, not cool enough, sexy enough.
It took a lot of time for me to reach the point where I accepted that yes, this feels awful and I can't keep on putting myself out there. I can't even imagine how bad it is if you really WANT a relationship, commitment, have children. I've always been a bit ambivalent about what I do want!

i can only judge you on your posts here but you’re an awesome lady and any man would be PRIVILEGED to have you (and your amazing wit) in his life.

i’m with you on your whole post though, it’s hard when you reach that point but i also feel a great sense of relief in being able to admit that it’s just not for me. it doesn’t suit my personality at all. i’ve never wanted children so not sure if i just cut my loses now and hope for a real life meet! if they even exist anymore x

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Also to add, I think even though my gut instinct has usually been right, I'm not sure I wouldn't ignore it on occasion purely to experience something outside my normal.

Thank you @LaBlonde you have no idea how much that means.

 

[candyland_]

These men are too dumb to realise that they are ageing and losing their appeal. Swipe through men in their late 20s/30s and most of them have got a questionable hairline, a growing waistline and that jaw they once had is long gone. My friends say the same men have been on these apps for years so whatever game they play obviously gets them nowhere.

 

[LaBlonde]

i mean, presented without comment: