Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[freshhead]

You are under no obligation to this man and what he wants or needs but what you are obliged to do is say what you mean and mean what you say ? All the dithering just creates unnecessary drama and causes you anxiety. It seems to me that he still thinks he has a shot with you so he clearly hasn't got the email!!

He said he was happy to just be friends as I told him I wasn’t ready for anything else and that was before we even had the date, I didn’t go in to why, he didn’t ask either. I’m not sure if some men just think we say it for the fun of it though I have said I’ll let him know about the bbq invite next week. Probably not the best place to try and make friends on a dating app.

I agree with the others @freshhead. I think after one date it’s safe to say this is him trying to get a second by stealth. And it’s a pretty intense one at that, I think having to ‘perform’ in what would be a garden full of people you don’t know, including him, will be too much for you right now. If he’d said, come play squash with me etc maybe, because that’s more of an immediate shift to friendship, but I’d be worried people there would know exactly how you two know each other and it might be a bit weird, like they’ll just assume you’re together?

Maybe you needed to go on the date so you knew you didn’t want to date. That’s definitely what I’ve learned from the one I went on a couple of weeks ago. And I sort of knew already but I had to make myself do it so that I could really know it.

Have you tried the BFF setting on Bumble? I don’t have experience of it but I know it works for some people.

Also, I’m the same age as you - I know what you mean but you only have to look around to see that for a lot of people this is still young and they’ve not even really got going yet. I’ve had to really shift my thinking on that. I get to live life all over again on my own terms now, f what anyone else thinks about that.

Yes I think you’re spot on, I’ve been a bit curious to see if I was ready to get to know someone but it took me a lot to push myself to even go, I spent ages in front of the mirror pulling myself apart, and then kept thinking of excuses. I’m surprised I got out the door but was proud of myself for going. I really don’t mind being single but I’ve also spent most of my adult life hoping for a happy family life.
That hope and idea is long gone now, and just like you living life on my own terms feels like something I’ve probably always needed.
I have tried the BFF setting on bumble before but no one has replied to me

 

[easyliketuesdayafternoon]

I have to agree with you. Just feeling a bit down today as I really would love some company, but just friendship. Most of the time I entertain myself, I’m always doing something or starting a new little project, plus I have a teen and a toddler, a business and home to run so I’m never exactly bored!
I think maybe I’ll just see this year through and continue to heal. I have this fear it’ll be years before I want to have anything with anyone again, but I’m also 36 so worried I’ve let the best years of my life pass me by. Bit heavy for a Friday morning, sorry guys! Thank you for being an ear, hope we all enjoy the today!

As someone who is also 36, please don't say you're worried about the best years passing you by. Like, I'm not trying to minimise your worries if they're legit, but it's literally not even halfway through life

 

[LaBlonde]

As someone who is also 36, please don't say you're worried about the best years passing you by. Like, I'm not trying to minimise your worries if they're legit, but it's literally not even halfway through life

as another someone who is also 36, i can only second this

 

[freshhead]

As someone who is also 36, please don't say you're worried about the best years passing you by. Like, I'm not trying to minimise your worries if they're legit, but it's literally not even halfway through life

I guess it depends on an individuals circumstances.
For me, I have a 16yr old and a 3yr old from different fathers, and the thought of not wanting to put another child through failed relationships is enough to make me feel like those years of trying or wanting a relationship are behind me.

 

[simbi123]

Been replying to this guy's Instagram stories that I have a huge crush on (a couple of times). He replies, but he hasn't followed me back or anything, should I just accept he's being nice and isn't interested?

 

[MsCurly]

Been replying to this guy's Instagram stories that I have a huge crush on (a couple of times). He replies, but he hasn't followed me back or anything, should I just accept he's being nice and isn't interested?

I would say that it really depends on your replies... I don't know if you're being subtle or not, but my experience is that most men wouldn't realize you were making a move unless you announced it on a billboard the size of the Empire State Building.

Shoot your shot! As far as I know most men would be extremely flattered if someone actually made a move on them. If he's not interested he will most likely tell you so.

 

[amhungry]

I went out for coffee yesterday, it went okay (in my opinion) but in the lead up to the date and afterwards there was soft ghosting, after speaking for over a week with constant replies etc.
I had enough and called them out last night on it and said let's just leave it here.
All of a sudden he's offended I thought he was ghosting etc, he's just very busy with work etc.
I was only 50/50 into him but now I'm thinking I overthought it all and blew it.

 

[Sandor]

Been replying to this guy's Instagram stories that I have a huge crush on (a couple of times). He replies, but he hasn't followed me back or anything, should I just accept he's being nice and isn't interested?

Do you know him in real life?

I went out for coffee yesterday, it went okay (in my opinion) but in the lead up to the date and afterwards there was soft ghosting, after speaking for over a week with constant replies etc.
I had enough and called them out last night on it and said let's just leave it here.
All of a sudden he's offended I thought he was ghosting etc, he's just very busy with work etc.
I was only 50/50 into him but now I'm thinking I overthought it all and blew it.

Was he just offended and full of excuses or did he apologise too? The thing is, we’re so used to this behaviour now he’s either shocked you’ve called him out on it, or he’s not the type to ghost and doesn’t understand. In fact, in general, men always seem rather shocked that we notice changes in behaviour or that we’d have the balls to bring it up.

But, if you’re used to constant replies that means he’s got time to message you usually. Don’t overthink it though, if you weren’t totally sold on him, maybe this was just the sign you needed to keep looking? Would you actually want to try and salvage it?

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

@amhungry It’s difficult to know for sure without seeing the whole exchange between you, but I really believe that when something’s off or someone’s behaviour has changed, you just know. And so do they.

Personally, if I sense a slow fade, I’ll mirror what they’re doing, disengage and whatever happens happens. It’s rare that you’ll call someone out on ghosting and they’ll actually hold their hands up and admit that’s what they were doing. 9 times out of 10, it gets twisted round to wrong-foot you and give them an easy out by blaming you for daring to speak up. That’s a much less uncomfortable conversation for them to have than to actually come right out and say “I’m not interested”.

 

[amhungry]

Was he just offended and full of excuses or did he apologise too? The thing is, we’re so used to this behaviour now he’s either shocked you’ve called him out on it, or he’s not the type to ghost and doesn’t understand. In fact, in general, men always seem rather shocked that we notice changes in behaviour or that we’d have the balls to bring it up.

But, if you’re used to constant replies that means he’s got time to message you usually. Don’t overthink it though, if you weren’t totally sold on him, maybe this was just the sign you needed to keep looking? Would you actually want to try and salvage it?

I got 'I don't know where you got that idea from, I'm a very busy person. Also I don't really know you as we haven't been speaking long' There was more but this is the internet and if he stumbled across it he'd know it was about him
It seemed very defensive in my opinion, he's very hard to get a read on, we arranged a second date while on the first one yesterday but then I text him after saying I had a nice time and I got nothing for 7 hours..
If I could get the truth on how he felt I'd maybe try again, but I don't think I'll get anymore replies.

 

[Sandor]

@amhungry I think ‘I’m a very busy person’ tells you all you need to know.

And forget how he feels! It matters how you feel

 

[amhungry]

@amhungry I think ‘I’m a very busy person’ tells you all you need to know.

And forget how he feels! It matters how you feel

I'll just be dropping this one and try again.
The more I sit and think about it there was serious red flags in other places..
Sometimes those big brown eyes just suck you in and you forget yourself.

 

[simbi123]

I would say that it really depends on your replies... I don't know if you're being subtle or not, but my experience is that most men wouldn't realize you were making a move unless you announced it on a billboard the size of the Empire State Building.

Shoot your shot! As far as I know most men would be extremely flattered if someone actually made a move on them. If he's not interested he will most likely tell you so.

Thank you! I was being pretty casual, been a while since I was single so overthinking everything

 

[D.W's Library Card]

Hi guys, I dip in and out of this thread and follow along with all of your stories, I'm rooting for you all.

I need some advice, basically I really like this guy who I was chatting with for a while, chat kind of died as he started casually seeing someone else, that seems to have died down and the guy is so lovely, he checks in on me every day etc. He fully knows I like him and he's said about meeting up, I asked if it was a date or a friend thing and the response I got was "let's not label it at the minute and we'll see what happens" - Am I setting myself up for disappointment here or??
(I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to this kind of thing)

 

[LaBlonde]

Hi guys, I dip in and out of this thread and follow along with all of your stories, I'm rooting for you all.

I need some advice, basically I really like this guy who I was chatting with for a while, chat kind of died as he started casually seeing someone else, that seems to have died down and the guy is so lovely, he checks in on me every day etc. He fully knows I like him and he's said about meeting up, I asked if it was a date or a friend thing and the response I got was "let's not label it at the minute and we'll see what happens" - Am I setting myself up for disappointment here or??
(I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to this kind of thing)

to be blunt, i would say yes.

a man who refuses to commit to what a meet up would be will probably play the “ooo let’s not put labels on what’s happening ooo” for weeks tbh. you say he knows you like him so he knows what you’re hoping for and knows what your mind is doing - it takes nothing to say “just friendly”. given that you’ve been talking for a while he must know what your expectations are. i find it so annoying when they won’t just say what they want.

 

[D.W's Library Card]

to be blunt, i would say yes.

a man who refuses to commit to what a meet up would be will probably play the “ooo let’s not put labels on what’s happening ooo” for weeks tbh. you say he knows you like him so he knows what you’re hoping for and knows what your mind is doing - it takes nothing to say “just friendly”. given that you’ve been talking for a while he must know what your expectations are. i find it so annoying when they won’t just say what they want.

Thank you, I genuinely really appreciate this.
I'm not usually one to hold back on my thoughts so I might just outright ask him and find out if I'm wasting my time here.

 

[LaBlonde]

Thank you, I genuinely really appreciate this.
I'm not usually one to hold back on my thoughts so I might just outright ask him and find out if I'm wasting my time here.

i would absolutely outright ask him! you deserve to know for sure - i’d be more forgiving if it hadn’t been very long but if you’ve been talking a while then he must, to some degree, know what he wants.

 

[D.W's Library Card]

i would absolutely outright ask him! you deserve to know for sure - i’d be more forgiving if it hadn’t been very long but if you’ve been talking a while then he must, to some degree, know what he wants.

I think I will, I say a while it's been a few weeks maybe but yeah it's a big headache at the moment.

 

[Jadejones9596]

Urgh.

I have the agg with men tonight. I think I'm just overheated and pissy but I am having one of those nights whereby you just lose all hope in men and want to retreat to a convent. Especially as last night a guy I have a bit of flirty banter with every now and then decided to be really snarky with me and tells me he hates inconsistent people who only chat when they feel like it. Calm down hun, bye bye.

Hope you're all OK and not melting too bad x

 

[LaBlonde]

I think I will, I say a while it's been a few weeks maybe but yeah it's a big headache at the moment.

i bet it is i’m sorry, i wrote my original replies mid-walk and didn’t mean for them to read so to the point. it’s difficult when you invest time in someone and they won’t fully engage with what’s going on, especially if your feelings are clear. hope you’re okay