@ChampagneBox I haven't read all the posts yet so sorry if I repeat anyone but it really sounds like your boyfriend wants you to compromise by accepting that he doesn't want to get married, but is still pushing you to do what he wants in the future, which is the kids. This is not only very unfair but also is going to cause resentment in the future. Also, I really don't understand the 'having kids because you're bored' thing. It sounds like one thing we all share on this thread is that we like our lives how they are and don't want to change our lifestyles to accommodate a child, which is the opposite of being 'bored'. I also think having a child because you're bored is an extremely bad reason. I haven't seen how old you are but your boyfriend sounds like he needs to grow up.
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I mean he doesn’t pressure me, and to be honest i think there’s a chance we wouldn’t get married even if we had kids, he says he doesn’t believe in it full stop, so i might have not worded it right, it’s not as black and white as ‘no kids? No marriage’ but he’s seen his cousins have two kids then get married, and they only got married to all have the same surname as the kids, and they’re the example he uses when we talk about it. His parents are married, but his other cousins all have kids but aren’t married so I think he looks to them as an example.
I make him sound awful through what I write here, he’s not a bad person really
I just think he’s naive, he’s early 30s but I’m the first serious girlfriend/one hes lived with.he hasn’t outright said ‘I’m bored, let’s have kids’, I might have worded it wrong, but i just think he’s just in the school of thought along with ‘who’ll look after you when you’re old?’ Just quite old fashioned ideas
I cannot think of anything more boring that spending my spare time taking kids to events etc and the coming home to clear up after them. I don't do a huge amount in my spare time but I am not swapping that to look after a mini me.
To me it's really impossible to compare marriage to kids tho. You can get divorced as soon as you feel like it's not what you wanted. If you have kids and realise it's not for you you're still stuck with them for the rest of your life.
My dad is an idiot with all sorts of problems and when my mum finally divorced him after 23 years I told her that multiple times. She can divorce him and distance herself from him but no matter what I do, he'll always be my father and I'll always feel tied to him.
My dad is an idiot with all sorts of problems and when my mum finally divorced him after 23 years I told her that multiple times. She can divorce him and distance herself from him but no matter what I do, he'll always be my father and I'll always feel tied to him.
Yeah a marriage and kids are COMPLETELY different.
You shouldn't make such a huge life altering decision to please him when he clearly has no interest in changing his life for you. Because at the end if he decides not to marry you, you will still be stuck with the kids. There is no going back and getting a refund because you hate them. You will lose on both ends.
There are a lot of loving childfree men out there who are willing to get married. Please do not change your values for someone who clearly doesn't value you.
You shouldn't make such a huge life altering decision to please him when he clearly has no interest in changing his life for you. Because at the end if he decides not to marry you, you will still be stuck with the kids. There is no going back and getting a refund because you hate them. You will lose on both ends.
There are a lot of loving childfree men out there who are willing to get married. Please do not change your values for someone who clearly doesn't value you.
Yup. I know it sounds awful but I always feel a bit down every time I see a friend getting engaged because I know that's it, they'll be married in 2 years and a kid on the way in 3. They always promise they won't end up "like all the other parents", but they do, of course they do! It's just hard. I still see my friends with kids but they're so absorbed in their kids lives and I feel like an afterthought. I know people without kids are out there, I just need to put in the effort to find new friends and connections with people.
I know other people have chipped in but just my 2 cents. If marriage is important to you then you deserve to be with someone who is willing to make that commitment. I had an ex who was dead against marriage and I went along with it to keep the peace, but I knew deep down I would never be happy with that and it wasn't something I wanted to compromise on.Been keeping away from this thread as it triggers me a little due to my confused thoughts but I haven’t got anyone to talk to about it, I reached out to a friend but she’s keen to have kids eventually so not sure she can fully understand me.
so we’ve spoken a bit more about it, and something that stands out to me in OHs opinion on having kids is he keeps saying things to the effect of ‘don’t you think life will get boring without kids?’ Which I have a few thoughts on.
firstly, I’m not going to have kids because I’m bored. I said to him isn’t life what you make it? Doesn’t have to be boring if you don’t want it to be?
secondly, I’m a bit worried this means he thinks I’m boring. Sorry if I like going up to bed to just watch tv for a few hours in the evening, or going on adults only holidays or going to work 9-5 and go home again. He’s hardly a busy bee, we do duck all on weekends together.
also, I know full well he’s holding the idea of getting married over me. I want to get married, he doesn’t. He wants kids, I don’t. He knows that I can’t even talk about the marriage thing when I don’t want kids. He knows full well what he’s doing. he gets defensive about getting married like I do about having kids.
Not to derail the thread, but honestly we’re having issues that aren’t anything to do with having kids, I know we areAnd I know what I should probably do about that but I don’t know if I want to
It sounds like he hasn't properly thought about the reality of having kids... it's very easy to say "yeah I'll have kids someday" but when you get into your 30s or have a partner who doesn't want them, it really is time to make a decision on what you want to do. Some people end up just not having kids, sometimes they are unable to, but if it's a choice then of course you need to think it through. It sounds like he thinks it's just someting you should do because everyone else is.
Will life be boring without kids? I'm obviously biased as I'm on this thread for a reason haha, but no absolutely not. I have a couple of aunts who never had kids and their lives have been anything but boring. They've filled their time with travelling, volunteering, hobbies, taking care of their dogs, DIY projects, seeing family and friends...they're in their 60s now and I feel like they've had very fulfilling lives.
Exactly this. I have lost all of my friends who have had children, they just have different priorities now and popping round for dinner or going for a 'girls day out' is not something they want, or can, do now. Girls' holidays are out of the question now. It's very, very difficult to find other women in their late 30s who don't have children, so being childfree pretty much means being almost friendfree as well! But it's fine, I'm happy with my life, but I do miss seeing my pre-baby friends and having conversations that don't involve schools or ballet or GCSEs or toys or general moaning about the husbands not pulling their weight...
I have friends with children and I still see them. I don't mind the conversations about the children - but I am a teacher and I have worked in nurseries so I do have a connection of sorts. I held my friends son the day he was born and she always tells me how important that is to her. It's just when children are involved you have to make more effort, (on both sides) to see each other. Friendships change overtime, I generally find relationships and men have changed my friendships far more than children ever have.
Here’s another little nugget from a reluctant mother. Today I got paid. Upon being paid, I settled the youngest’s nursery bill for the best part of £640. I then put £44 into my eldests school dinners pot and £92 to cover both of their swimming lessons and tennis lessons for the eldest. Add that all up and there’s another reason should you need one that kids are a dumb idea. They bloody fleece you!!
keep hold of your disposable income folks!!
keep hold of your disposable income folks!!
Anyone else here get annoyed by climate articles telling people to fly less and eat less meat when they're failing to acknowledge the children and their carbon legacies elephant in the room?
£640?!! That’s like over half a monthly wage for some people?!
£1700 a month for us
London, full time - I may as well not bloody work, but I enjoy having a 'break'Kids are bloody expensive
So glad to have found this thread and see so many women share similar views!
Does anyone else also feel like they'll be single forever too. Never really been in a serious relationship, just had brief things and I am so set in my ways I don't think I could ever accommodate another person. It gets lonely though (although I'm the kind of person who feels lonely in groups of people).
/ramble
Does anyone else also feel like they'll be single forever too. Never really been in a serious relationship, just had brief things and I am so set in my ways I don't think I could ever accommodate another person. It gets lonely though (although I'm the kind of person who feels lonely in groups of people).
/ramble
Yeah, but mostly that is down to me not trusting men. I'm very good at ghosting.
I love being single personally. There is nothing like having a lot of free time to do what ever I want without having to think about someone else.
My only problem with relationships is that at some point the men in the relationship do a 180 and all want to have children out of the blue. Even though we shared of views of not having one. It's tiring because it feels like a complete waste of time.
Or the few that I met who have a lot in common with me "are not ready to get married" or "can't commit to such a big extent yet" so I move on.
Twice this week this has happened. Been chatting to 2 men on bumble. Neither of them mention they have children on their profile (as in “have children, don’t want anymore”) and don’t have photos of them, which I don’t like anyway, poor kids shouldn’t have the faces plastered on dating apps, but both men have slid into the conversation that they have a daughter. Does this bother anyone? I sometimes think it’s a bit sneaky. As in, they reel you in and then drop the bombshell.
Yep this would annoy me. I can understand why they don’t put it in their profile. Some people could see past it but it’s an immediate “no” for me. To be honest I even swipe past women with children on bumble BFF let alone normal dating apps
but I think I’m quite an extreme case.I'm not on the dating scene, but if I was this would bother me. If the other person have a child it changed the dynamics of any relationship and I know they think it might be off putting but it's a big bombshell to drop and a waste of your time if you are not interested in taking a man with a child on (I wouldn't be).
My landlady is in her late 60s and has recently adopted twins in Greece (almost two years ago, so they are toddlers now but she has only just told me.) She already has adult children in their 40s and now she wants more? Will she be 80 and up all night waiting for them to come home? I don't agree with the mentality of "having children after 35 or even 30 is selfish!" and my niece and nephew were born when their mother was, respectively, 37 then 40. But I can't imagine why an older person would want a house full of children again ...
Oh yeah, it happened to me and I hate it so much!
I think that they know that it is a huge turn off for a lot of women especially women who don't have kids themselves. So they hope that we'll look past it.
One of the guys that I talked to had the nerves to say "But you are so caring, I am sure that you'll feel the same about my daughter." Yeah, I am caring because my life is stress free. Add a child into it and I'll be less caring real quick.
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