Childfree by Choice #2

[Falkor]

When did you all decide that you weren't gonna have kids? I am 25 and as it stands i couldn't ever imagine having my own kid, but my friends and family seem to have a lot of opinions on that and say i cant say how ill feel in the future right now. I have quite an active schedule, i work full time and then spend most evenings exercising or socialising. Then i try and spend weekends away on city breaks and doing whatever i want.
I date men but i find them so fickle, and i feel like as a woman you are much more likely to be pressured to take all the childcare responsibility whilst the man does the bare minimum, and it is another story entirely if you split up i guess.
My reason is pretty much that i don't want to bring a kid into the world and resent it in any way for ruining what i have right now, which is a pretty comfortable, carefree life. I am one of the only ones left of my school year who's not got kids and i constantly get asked by some family members why im not with anyone and am i going to have kids. Annoying.

I was really young, about 5 or 6 - a friend was really excited about going to meet their neighbour's new baby later that day and I just couldn't understand why anyone would find a baby exciting. It was after that I started saying I wasn't going to have children and I never wavered on that. Now I'm 46 people have finally stopped asking

 

[Base2019]

It’s such a complex subject recently one of my friends has told us that she is having a baby. She’s with her husband for a long time but only married nearly a year. Her husband has always been adamant that he doesn’t want kids. So much so that everyone knows this in the area. She is openly telling people that he doesn’t want the baby and never wanted kids and that he’s fuming. I think it’s awful if she has kinda trapped him into this as it’s such a big life decision. Their relationship would have been very strained before so I can’t see how this situation is going to help it esp when she is openly telling people he doesn’t want the baby. Awful

 

[CatCafe234]

I was really young, about 5 or 6 - a friend was really excited about going to meet their neighbour's new baby later that day and I just couldn't understand why anyone would find a baby exciting. It was after that I started saying I wasn't going to have children and I never wavered on that. Now I'm 46 people have finally stopped asking

Same - I was one of the oldest grandchildren and having a few aunts and uncles meant that there was a period of about ten years where it was just baby after baby and I never found them that interesting. I hated baby dolls and never wanted to be a mum. I don’t mind older kids if I can hand them back to their parents when they’re tired, grumpy or messy and I’m quite happy being the cool auntie (ha!) to my niblings.

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

It’s such a complex subject recently one of my friends has told us that she is having a baby. She’s with her husband for a long time but only married nearly a year. Her husband has always been adamant that he doesn’t want kids. So much so that everyone knows this in the area. She is openly telling people that he doesn’t want the baby and never wanted kids and that he’s fuming. I think it’s awful if she has kinda trapped him into this as it’s such a big life decision. Their relationship would have been very strained before so I can’t see how this situation is going to help it esp when she is openly telling people he doesn’t want the baby. Awful

Having a child has to be a joint decision if both parents are in a relationship. This is awful.

Parenting is tough and I cant see this relationship ending well in this instance.

If I was adamant I didnt want a dog for example and my partner brought one home. I wouldnt expect to be asked to contribute to its care in anyway. This persons partner will resent his wife and / or child. Imagine having to fork out ££££ for childcare or see your household income tumble as one parent stays home or goes part time to support and care for a kid you didnt want.

I am a parent and horrified by this. Even if he chooses to walk away he'd have a financial obligation for 18 years +

 

[Satisfying Click]

It’s such a complex subject recently one of my friends has told us that she is having a baby. She’s with her husband for a long time but only married nearly a year. Her husband has always been adamant that he doesn’t want kids. So much so that everyone knows this in the area. She is openly telling people that he doesn’t want the baby and never wanted kids and that he’s fuming. I think it’s awful if she has kinda trapped him into this as it’s such a big life decision. Their relationship would have been very strained before so I can’t see how this situation is going to help it esp when she is openly telling people he doesn’t want the baby. Awful

Oh, that's a horrible situation. My mum is friends with someone whose daughter went through that. The husband was adamant that he never wanted children, she became pregnant and he has absolutely no interested in their son (the Road to Damascus moment where he fell in love with the baby in the delivery room never happened). I've mentioned them before on the old thread - looking up her social media - they're still together, but most of her photos feature her and her son. Her husband doesn't have any of his child on his profile at all, it's like he never happened.

 

[Base2019]

Having a child has to be a joint decision if both parents are in a relationship. This is awful.

Parenting is tough and I cant see this relationship ending well in this instance.

If I was adamant I didnt want a dog for example and my partner brought one home. I wouldnt expect to be asked to contribute to its care in anyway. This persons partner will resent his wife and / or child. Imagine having to fork out ££££ for childcare or see your household income tumble as one parent stays home or goes part time to support and care for a kid you didnt want.

I am a parent and horrified by this. Even if he chooses to walk away he'd have a financial obligation for 18 years +

Oh, that's a horrible situation. My mum is friends with someone whose daughter went through that. The husband was adamant that he never wanted children, she became pregnant and he has absolutely no interested in their son (the Road to Damascus moment where he fell in love with the baby in the delivery room never happened). I've mentioned them before on the old thread - looking up her social media - they're still together, but most of her photos feature her and her son. Her husband doesn't have any of his child on his profile at all, it's like he never happened.

I know it really is awful I think it’s making it worse as she is literally telling everyone. I’m sure he wouldn’t want everyone knowing their business esp when it’s about something so personal. It is not going to end well

 

[DCICassieStuart]

We've just booked a holiday in an adults only hotel. It's during term-time anyway, but we didn't want to take the risk of being by the pool and hearing, "Mum! Mum! Mummy! Watch me dive! Watch me dive, mum! Mum? Mummy!" (though I don't think the parents like it that much either ). We stayed in an adult's only hotel a couple of years ago and wondered why we hadn't considered it before, it was amazing!

We do it every year, usually either in Portugal or Majorca.
Now if only there was such a thing as adults only flight!

 

[Anne1448]

Tons of guys get baby trapped. I know at least 10 guys who got trapped.

It is absolutely frightening and heart breaking to see grown men cry, be depressed, taking pills, drug, alcohol in hope to numb their feelings.

Even my ex-boyfriend's brother was trapped. He was in a relationship for a year and a half when his girlfriend discovered her pregnancy. Since she is Christian she decided to keep it. The worst part was what she said when I asked her if she took any birth control. She said "Oh, no. You know, you can't really control such things. If it happens, you just have to deal with it.". Meaning if she was pregnant again, she'd simply keep it.

 

[Inforapenny]

Come on this is a tad misogynistic now. Guys getting trapped....please any adult man can put a condom on, unless they were being held at gunpoint.

 

[Base2019]

Not sure if this is the right place to ask and if not please redirect me, but does anyone have any ideas/tips for setting boundaries with in laws that always ask for babysitting? They think because we are child free we clearly have no lives I find it difficult to set boundaries with this so would appreciate any advice

 

[Anne1448]

There is nothing misogynistic about talking about experiences.

Women who decide to keep a child knowing that their partners are against it or even go as far as not telling the truth about their birth control is part of the problem too.

If my partner and I decide to not have kids yet I lie to him and stop taking birth control and decide to keep the child to force him to stay I am selfish.

Not experiencing something personally does not take it away from the people who experienced it. And using "misogyny" as an excuse for a disgusting behaviour that a lot of women practice is an absolute reach. Just like the people who said in the first thread that we were bashing parents because we talked about the workload that childfree people have to endure at work.

 

[Satisfying Click]

Not sure if this is the right place to ask and if not please redirect me, but does anyone have any ideas/tips for setting boundaries with in laws that always ask for babysitting? They think because we are child free we clearly have no lives I find it difficult to set boundaries with this so would appreciate any advice

"I'm afraid that doesn't work for us, we already something planned."
"I'm sorry, that doesn't work for us." Lather, rinse and repeat as needed

Without sounding glib, use Track and Trace to your advantage? "Blast, I so wanted to ruin my night look after little Jimmy, but I have to self-isolate." or, "Oh no! *cough cough* I think I'm coming down with something. Wouldn't want to infect anyone!"

 

[Base2019]

"I'm afraid that doesn't work for us, we already something planned."
"I'm sorry, that doesn't work for us." Lather, rinse and repeat as needed

Without sounding glib, use Track and Trace to your advantage? "Blast, I so wanted to ruin my night look after little Jimmy, but I have to self-isolate." or, "Oh no! *cough cough* I think I'm coming down with something. Wouldn't want to infect anyone!"

Thank you! I always feel so bad saying no but I also don’t understand why people with kids take on so much work with zero child care

Little Jimmy gave me a giggle

 

[PinkMariner]

Not sure if this is the right place to ask and if not please redirect me, but does anyone have any ideas/tips for setting boundaries with in laws that always ask for babysitting? They think because we are child free we clearly have no lives I find it difficult to set boundaries with this so would appreciate any advice

Christ this is my biggest bug bear!
Because we don't have kids, it is assumed we are always free. No one ever asks anything of my brother or sister, but I get every job going - picking mum up for family functions, doing her diy & odd jobs, babysitting for everyone we know, every favour, every "can you just". I find it incredibly stressful and overwhelming tbh. I had a meltdown about it only this weekend and sat in my car at Morrisons car park and cried.

 

[Base2019]

Christ this is my biggest bug bear!
Because we don't have kids, it is assumed we are always free. No one ever asks anything of my brother or sister, but I get every job going - picking mum up for family functions, doing her diy & odd jobs, babysitting for everyone we know, every favour, every "can you just". I find it incredibly stressful and overwhelming tbh. I had a meltdown about it only this weekend and sat in my car at Morrisons car park and cried.

I feel you I had to say no to babysitting at the weekend as I had something already on and the family member has huffed with me since, hence me looking for ways to set proper boundaries. I ended up crying about it on Sunday. Glad it’s not just me lol it is so frustrating

ETA: hope you feel a bit better

 

[theweekend]

Both parties choose not to use contraception though.

It happened recently in my group of friends - couple are both 27, he actually was thinking of breaking up with her so I’m not sure if that has subconsciously come into it... Anyway she’s keeping it but he’s already said he’s not giving up his lifestyle and she will have to be the primary caregiver Why you would willingly sign yourself up for that kind of arrangement I will never know.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Both parties choose not to use contraception though.

It happened recently in my group of friends - couple are both 27, he actually was thinking of breaking up with her so I’m not sure if that has subconsciously come into it... Anyway she’s keeping it but he’s already said he’s not giving up his lifestyle and she will have to be the primary caregiver Why you would willingly sign yourself up for that kind of arrangement I will never know.

I do agree, however many of these women lie and I think many men go along with it for an easy life and not having to use a condom. In my 12 year relationship we have used one condom. After that I said I was on contraception and he believed me at face value. I was and have been ever since but I could easily trick him if I was that type of person. I do believe when people are so set on having a baby, it can take over all reality and common sense. I have seen old friends become obsessed to get pregnant.

 

[Anne1448]

I do agree, however many of these women lie and I think many men go along with it for an easy life and not having to use a condom. In my 12 year relationship we have used one condom. After that I said I was on contraception and he believed me at face value. I was and have been ever since but I could easily trick him if I was that type of person. I do believe when people are so set on having a baby, it can take over all reality and common sense. I have seen old friends become obsessed to get pregnant.

This is exactly what I am talking about.

When you are in a relationship (a serious one) in general both partners will find an agreement. If one partner decides to stop his/her contraception without telling the other partner knowing damn well that the partner doesn't want to have kids it is selfish and disrespectful.

The men that I know who got trapped usually agreed with their partners to not have kids. The women then stopped taking their pills and never told their partners. When they announced the pregnancy the men left (since the women breached the agreement unilaterally) or stayed but are miserable.

 

[PinkMariner]

This happened to by B.I.L - They had 3 kids, he said no more, she agreed & than 18 months later came off her pill without telling him. They were divorced before the child was born.

 

[Shineyshine]

I feel you I had to say no to babysitting at the weekend as I had something already on and the family member has huffed with me since, hence me looking for ways to set proper boundaries. I ended up crying about it on Sunday. Glad it’s not just me lol it is so frustrating

ETA: hope you feel a bit better

That’s very unfair to put pressure on you like that, then make you feel guilty when you can’t babysit for them. You said it was because they had taken on work, but when you have children you should make sure you have childcare arranged before you accept extra work / social invitations or whatever it is. Not be scrambling around desperately trying to find someone at the last minute.

Plus, as child free people why do we have to be doing anything else for us to say no? Sometimes I just can’t be bothered, so when my brother asks me to have my nephew I say no and don’t give him a reason. Otherwise I feel as though I’m making excuses, and why should I? I don’t have to justify how I spend my time to anybody