Childfree by Choice #2

[JoeBloggs]

He’s not the only one who would be missing out on something, I really really want to get married, to me that’s more important than kids and that is what I imagine doing rather than having kids, but he doesn’t want to get married So I’m also missing out on something but I’ve decided I can live with not getting married. So if he did decide that kids were non negotiable then I’d also be angry and upset from that point of view that I’ve decided to stay with him knowing I might never get married, but he’d be leaving because I don’t want kids. Hmm maybe we really shouldn’t be together why is life so complicated

It is really hard when you aren't on the same page, and maybe it is a sign.

I think so some people who really want kids (alien to me) but they would forgo a good relationship for the idea of kids which I personally think is made but I think some people have this burning desire that it is their destiny. Sorry if you have already said this but has he explicitly said he wants kids. perhaps you need the chat, my friend left her long term partner because she wanted to get married and move forward and he didn't. They were great together but she wanted more.

 

[ChampagneBox]

It is really hard when you aren't on the same page, and maybe it is a sign.

I think so some people who really want kids (alien to me) but they would forgo a good relationship for the idea of kids which I personally think is made but I think some people have this burning desire that it is their destiny. Sorry if you have already said this but has he explicitly said he wants kids. perhaps you need the chat, my friend left her long term partner because she wanted to get married and move forward and he didn't. They were great together but she wanted more.

We did have the chat and He said he’s always assumed he’ll have kids but we both need to want it, not just him.

 

[Merpedy]

He’s not the only one who would be missing out on something, I really really want to get married, to me that’s more important than kids and that is what I imagine doing rather than having kids, but he doesn’t want to get married So I’m also missing out on something but I’ve decided I can live with not getting married. So if he did decide that kids were non negotiable then I’d also be angry and upset from that point of view that I’ve decided to stay with him knowing I might never get married, but he’d be leaving because I don’t want kids. Hmm maybe we really shouldn’t be together why is life so complicated

Ultimately, everyone's deal breaker is going to be different. I definitely know and have encountered people online who would want to get married and that would be a deal breaker for them

I can also see the potential differences in the way the two things are viewed. A lot of people view marriage as more symbolic these days (which he may as well?) whereas kids are going to have a huge impact on your life for the next decade or two (plus the experiences associated with grandkids and what not), and if you want that experience it may be more difficult to give up

I definitely think it's worth having an honest conversation with him about and voicing your concerns and the way you view the situation. If you don't want kids and he really does then sadly there's probably not a lot of compromising to do there

 

[JoeBloggs]

We did have the chat and He said he’s always assumed he’ll have kids but we both need to want it, not just him.

100%.

I was the same, I always assumed I would have kids, but I am nearly 32 and have yet to find the desire. What was his reaction when you said, no to kids?

 

[judgejohndeed]

We did have the chat and He said he’s always assumed he’ll have kids but we both need to want it, not just him.

If it helps, my fiancé was the same and he’s now in the solid no camp. So it can go both ways. We went on holiday with his family and there were two small children, he said never again

 

[PinkMariner]

Plus I like my lie ins too much! And being able to do things on a whim! And being able to go out for dinner reservations that aren’t at half past five so they can get home for bedtime! And peace and quiet! Grown up time! Disposable income! No nappies!

I explain to people that I finish work at 5pm, I go home, I cook (or I don't if I don't fancy it), I sit on my fat arse on the sofa and I don't move again till bedtime. No one demands anything of me. No one asks me to do anything, occasionally I will get a spurt of energy and do something, but mostly I just relax till I am tired enough to go to bed, where I sleep soundly till my alarm goes off at 7am and I get ready for work and leave the house.

Typical parent - home from work, cooks, makes lunches, irons uniforms, cleans up, does homework, plays with the kids, usually deals with a fight / tantrum / issue, battles through bathtime, bedtime stories etc. and then collapses in a heap on the sofa at about 10pm. Gets up at 6am and starts all over again!

Anyone choosing the second scenario needs to question their own sanity imho!

 

[ChampagneBox]

100%.

I was the same, I always assumed I would have kids, but I am nearly 32 and have yet to find the desire. What was his reaction when you said, no to kids?

Well I said ‘I’m not sure if I want kids and I don’t know if I’ll change my mind’ and that’s what he said in reply

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I explain to people that I finish work at 5pm, I go home, I cook (or I don't if I don't fancy it), I sit on my fat arse on the sofa and I don't move again till bedtime. No one demands anything of me. No one asks me to do anything, occasionally I will get a spurt of energy and do something, but mostly I just relax till I am tired enough to go to bed, where I sleep soundly till my alarm goes off at 7am and I get ready for work and leave the house.

Typical parent - home from work, cooks, makes lunches, irons uniforms, cleans up, does homework, plays with the kids, usually deals with a fight / tantrum / issue, battles through bathtime, bedtime stories etc. and then collapses in a heap on the sofa at about 10pm. Gets up at 6am and starts all over again!

Anyone choosing the second scenario needs to question their own sanity imho!

This is literally my life! I get in from work at 5:45, I cook my tea or stick it in the oven if I’m having spuds and then I plonk myself on the sofa and don’t move again and I love it. I really love it. I can’t imagine having to rush about all evening doing various bits

 

[PinkMariner]

Same @Rippedjeanmaybe - I am such a lazy trout in an evening!
Imagine having to get from swimming lessons to dance, to football practice, to whatever else the little shits want to do. No thank you very much!

 

[lurkingaround123]

When did you all decide that you weren't gonna have kids? I am 25 and as it stands i couldn't ever imagine having my own kid, but my friends and family seem to have a lot of opinions on that and say i cant say how ill feel in the future right now. I have quite an active schedule, i work full time and then spend most evenings exercising or socialising. Then i try and spend weekends away on city breaks and doing whatever i want.
I date men but i find them so fickle, and i feel like as a woman you are much more likely to be pressured to take all the childcare responsibility whilst the man does the bare minimum, and it is another story entirely if you split up i guess.
My reason is pretty much that i don't want to bring a kid into the world and resent it in any way for ruining what i have right now, which is a pretty comfortable, carefree life. I am one of the only ones left of my school year who's not got kids and i constantly get asked by some family members why im not with anyone and am i going to have kids. Annoying.

 

[mcfeez]

When did you all decide that you weren't gonna have kids? I am 25 and as it stands i couldn't ever imagine having my own kid, but my friends and family seem to have a lot of opinions on that and say i cant say how ill feel in the future right now. I have quite an active schedule, i work full time and then spend most evenings exercising or socialising. Then i try and spend weekends away on city breaks and doing whatever i want.
I date men but i find them so fickle, and i feel like as a woman you are much more likely to be pressured to take all the childcare responsibility whilst the man does the bare minimum, and it is another story entirely if you split up i guess.
My reason is pretty much that i don't want to bring a kid into the world and resent it in any way for ruining what i have right now, which is a pretty comfortable, carefree life. I am one of the only ones left of my school year who's not got kids and i constantly get asked by some family members why im not with anyone and am i going to have kids. Annoying.

As a teenager (like 17/18) I was sure I would have children. I thought I wanted three for some reason, no idea why now looking back. Moving out of my parents house, getting my degree and a job gave me the taste for independence and making my own decisions and I think this is when I started to change my mind. My husband and I got engaged and married fairly young (25/26) but children started being a "Maybe someday" when people would ask then. It became a "No" for us as a couple when we were about 28 I'd say, a few years ago, but we are open to the possibility of changing our minds. We just enjoy our independence too much, being able to go where we want and when we want.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Well I said ‘I’m not sure if I want kids and I don’t know if I’ll change my mind’ and that’s what he said in reply

If you are adamant kids it a firm and final no, I think you need to be straight with him. From personal experience men need it spelling out to them.

 

[Saddlesoap]

When did you all decide that you weren't gonna have kids? I am 25 and as it stands i couldn't ever imagine having my own kid, but my friends and family seem to have a lot of opinions on that and say i cant say how ill feel in the future right now. I have quite an active schedule, i work full time and then spend most evenings exercising or socialising. Then i try and spend weekends away on city breaks and doing whatever i want.
I date men but i find them so fickle, and i feel like as a woman you are much more likely to be pressured to take all the childcare responsibility whilst the man does the bare minimum, and it is another story entirely if you split up i guess.
My reason is pretty much that i don't want to bring a kid into the world and resent it in any way for ruining what i have right now, which is a pretty comfortable, carefree life. I am one of the only ones left of my school year who's not got kids and i constantly get asked by some family members why im not with anyone and am i going to have kids. Annoying.

Quite recently finally decided it, maybe when I was 35. Ummed and arhhed for a long time, kept saying it wasn't the right time, then concluded we just didn't want them. We were actually in a restaurant listening to some screaming kids when we kinda made the 'final' decision.

 

[ChampagneBox]

If you are adamant kids it a firm and final no, I think you need to be straight with him. From personal experience men need it spelling out to them.

Hmm well I’m not adamant, but atm it’s a no and a can’t guarantee I’ll change my mind, this is the problem

 

[Platformcrocs]

We did have the chat and He said he’s always assumed he’ll have kids but we both need to want it, not just him.

The thing that gets me is that a lot of men just assume they'll end up with kids. I know a fair few guys who assume they'll have kids, despite being in their 30s and still living like students. Of course having kids makes people change, simply because they have to, but they're not exactly prepared and it feels like there's already this unspoken assumption that the mother will pick up the slack.

It still feels like childfree women aren't taken seriously. People always assume you will change your mind, that you've not met the "right" man, that you'll get to a point in your career then decide that's that - that kind of thing.

 

[Mrs Pomadour]

When did you all decide that you weren't gonna have kids? I am 25 and as it stands i couldn't ever imagine having my own kid, but my friends and family seem to have a lot of opinions on that and say i cant say how ill feel in the future right now. I have quite an active schedule, i work full time and then spend most evenings exercising or socialising. Then i try and spend weekends away on city breaks and doing whatever i want.
I date men but i find them so fickle, and i feel like as a woman you are much more likely to be pressured to take all the childcare responsibility whilst the man does the bare minimum, and it is another story entirely if you split up i guess.
My reason is pretty much that i don't want to bring a kid into the world and resent it in any way for ruining what i have right now, which is a pretty comfortable, carefree life. I am one of the only ones left of my school year who's not got kids and i constantly get asked by some family members why im not with anyone and am i going to have kids. Annoying.

I had to have a major operation when I was 19 and left me with no option to have children, at that age I couldn’t have cared less, I have never been intrested in having children and I am now 50 and was never bothered by it to be honest, it’s just me my husband and our dog, we both work full time and I like my house tidy all the time, We do want we want when we like, we are in a good place financially, and would not want to be spending money on kids, or helping them through college or uni I like my freedom meeting friends, going in holiday and me and my husband doing what we damn well please.

 

[Shineyshine]

Same @Rippedjeanmaybe - I am such a lazy trout in an evening!
Imagine having to get from swimming lessons to dance, to football practice, to whatever else the little shits want to do. No thank you very much!

I’m with you 100% Literally could not be arsed!

 

[lurkingaround123]

We were actually in a restaurant listening to some screaming kids when we kinda made the 'final' decision.

exactly this I always think imagine you’re sat on a beach on a gorgeous holiday with a cocktail in hand, then you have some kid screaming mum mum mum mum look at this. Pure hell

 

[Satisfying Click]

It still feels like childfree women aren't taken seriously. People always assume you will change your mind, that you've not met the "right" man, that you'll get to a point in your career then decide that's that - that kind of thing.

This!

 

[GirlOnTheTrain]

When did you all decide that you weren't gonna have kids? I am 25 and as it stands i couldn't ever imagine having my own kid, but my friends and family seem to have a lot of opinions on that and say i cant say how ill feel in the future right now. I have quite an active schedule, i work full time and then spend most evenings exercising or socialising. Then i try and spend weekends away on city breaks and doing whatever i want.
I date men but i find them so fickle, and i feel like as a woman you are much more likely to be pressured to take all the childcare responsibility whilst the man does the bare minimum, and it is another story entirely if you split up i guess.
My reason is pretty much that i don't want to bring a kid into the world and resent it in any way for ruining what i have right now, which is a pretty comfortable, carefree life. I am one of the only ones left of my school year who's not got kids and i constantly get asked by some family members why im not with anyone and am i going to have kids. Annoying.

It’s hard to say because I never really had strong feelings that I DID want a kid, but I guess it was really when I got into my mid-30s that I admitted it to myself. I’d be making excuses like ‘childcare is so expensive’, ‘we want to buy a house first’ and others but then when I really thought about it, if I really really wanted a child then I’d find a way around those things/they wouldn’t matter.