Childfree by Choice #2

[dressagediva]

I'm childfree by choice too, always have been.

One thing that really upsets me is people asking 'but who will look after you when you're old?!'.

First it's a rude question and having a child does not guarantee they'd want to or have to do that - they might have moved to Australia or completely fallen out with you or simply not want to - the possibilities are endless. Having a child in the hope they'll look after you would be SO SELFISH.

Second, thanks for the reminder as yes I'm worried enough about that at the back of my mind to be honest. There are so many horror stories of awful nursing homes and home carers taking advantage of frail old people or neglecting/abusing them. I have friends sorting out care for their own elderly parents now, and without them being their voice and sorting out issues, the elderly parents would be really suffering. When me and my husband are old it'll just be us as we have no siblings or extended family. I'm just hoping we eventually make younger friends or have kind neighbours who'll check in on us, and when one of us dies then the other hopefully won't be far behind!

 

[BelleAmie]

Another match on bumble that doesn’t have on his profile that he has a 2 year old daughter. He told me his relationship with his ex was complicated and I asked “you don’t have a child, do you?”View attachment 899991

that instantly got my back up. He seems a bit defensive he’s only 32, anyway! I tried to make a joke about how you can disclose you have children but you don’t want anymore. My bio says I don’t want kids.

View attachment 899988

Oh he can fuck right off with that - “she’s my heart and I don’t put my heart on the line for people I don’t know”?! Wtf is that?!
It’s not even about not wanting children at this point, the point is that he lied right at the beginning which is whether you want children or not.
Sorry, this rant is probably more related to dating apps rather than being child free but wow, this has really wound me up!

 

[mcfeez]

Or the fact that people expect a very long and detailed reason regarding the fact that we do not want children. You can't just say "I don't want children." Because the next sentence is "But why?".

I honestly think some people take the decision of others not to have kids personally i.e. if you've chosen not to have them, it must mean their decision to have them is a bad one - so they get very defensive. Honestly I've seen similar reactions to people saying they are vegetarian/vegan or to people who say they don't drink alcohol.

 

[TheGlossy]

I'm 31 and childfree by default because I haven't dated in 5 years and not planning on focusing on this aspect for now. For the last year, I have been debating whether I want to have children.

Growing up, I saw people around me have multiple children without assessing whether they truly have the means to raise these children. Children are expensive and sometimes I don't understand why people with limited income have multiple children fully knowing they'll be struggling at some point in time. I really do not understand the logic at all. Granted, having children might be an urge, but in this case, keep the number of children you want to raise to an acceptable number within your means. It's very selfish to have multiple children if you can't provide them with a decent standard of living and a happy childhood. No child should ever their witness parents struggling to feed or clothe them. It's really unfair on the child who never asked to be born in the first place.

In addition to this, I would find it really difficult to squeeze a child into my life because my life wouldn't be mine anymore. It would belong to my employer for 8-10 hours a day and then once the business day is over, it's time dedicate the remaining hours to your children. You have to be utterly selfless and I need time for myself to recharge, make plans, breathe. I don't think I'd do well as a parent, especially if I'm unhappy / stressed at work and then add taking care of another human being with needs / wants / feelings into the mix. I can barely handle myself, let alone take care of someone else.

Maybe I'll change my mind in a couple of years, but for now, I'm OK with being child-free because I know it's the wisest decision.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I don’t understand how parents put up with some of the nonsense. When I’m out and about and I see kids hitting their parents, there’s just no way I’d allow that. I never hit my parents as a child and there’s no way I would allow a child to do it to me.

same as the screaming, throwing things and just generally being bratty and sulky. My kids would get nothing if they behaved that way, that’s the way I was brought up.

I do think some parents make a rod for their own back by allowing their children to behave in such a way and then giving in to all their whims. I would have been karate kicked through the window if I’d screamed in my mum’s face and hit her!

 

[HoGi]

Haven't been on this thread for a while and I've missed it!
Something that will always stick in my mind was a few years ago I told a colleague that my boyfriend and I don't want to get married and especially dont want to have kids, she said 'but what do you have to look forward to in life then?'
And i was actually stuck for an answer cause it shocked me that she said that! Im sure she didn't mean to be rude, she's just completely opposite to me in what she wants and can't comprehend it.
Sometimes on bad mental health days I ask myself that same question though..
However I will 100% never change my mind as I know that I'm making the right decision for me

Cor I could come out with a million answers for that question. Top 5 would be: lie in's, being able to eat at nice restaurants not olaces that offer kids menus, not having to spend my money on plastic light up shit, holidays when I want where I want not during school holidays that have a kids club, my house remaining presentable because it isn't covered in kiddy hand prints and crumbs, no soft play, no dealing with other parents, no school ground dramas...I mean thats more than 5 haha

 

[Inforapenny]

This is what annoys me:
I apparently don't have any commitments outside work because I'm child free and colleagues who have decided to have children seek to get a pass for anything because they have kids.
I do quite a bit of evening events and my boss doesn't simply because she has to take her daughter swimming.

Don't people realise they chose to have kids. It's a life style choice they decided.

I get bored of people openly moaning about having kids and how tough it is. I'm not interested. You made a life choice stop enjoying being a martyr. I am sooooo bored of seeing it everywhere on TV, the media, colleagues how absolutely god awful parenthood is by people who have 3 kids.

Friends who are bored of being at-home with a newborn but then want more kids.

Babies are simply boring.

I don't like strangers babies or kids why should I. Please don't pass me your baby, I don't want to be sicked on or drop it by accident.

Somehow I am lucky for making the sensible choice to not to have kids.

We're overpopulated so stop having kids.

Having just my husband and me is enough. We didn't get married because I was desperate for motherhood we actually like each other. I've seen so many friends have kids with shady useless men then moan but really they used him as a sperm donor and then it all goes wrong.

 

[Saddlesoap]

Complain about being skint. Next sentence say you are pregnant....totally baffled.

 

[blackmasque]

Pregnancy, child birth, and breastfeeding seem so violating to me. I just can't imagine having to share my body in such an intimate way.

Also, hearing women talk about nursing their 2-3 year olds (who have teeth and can walk and talk) is just... no. Absolutely not.

 

[DCICassieStuart]

My friend's husband is a police officer. They don't have kids. Guess who's on nights all over Christmas so that any of his colleagues with kids can "Be with their family".
He's pissed off because it's what always happens. As he said, just because he doesn't have children doesn't mean he doesn't have a family. He'd like for once to be able to spend Christmas with his wife, parents, siblings etc.

Why are 'parents' always the first to be looked after and to hell with anyone else?

 

[Traveler001]

Apparently it's because we spend all our weekends relaxing on cloud nine and diving into pools filled with £20 notes from our disposable income, like Scrooge McDuck. (Of course though that's all just a pathetic attempt to fill up our time and cover up the gnawing hollowness of our childless wombs, sad half women that we are.)


Seriously though, completely agree, and it pecks my head in. It really stems from this subconscious (or even openly expressed) idea that if you don't have children you have oodles of free time and the free time AND booked up time you do have is simply not as valuable as their time. Argh.

This post reminded me of when a woman I worked with asked if I had kids (fine) I said no and she asked why (not fine) and I said I didn't want them, she said oh I used to be like that, all I cared about was handbags and hot holidays until I had my kids. I don't use a handbag and I don't go abroad for holidays... my other colleague at the time had 2 kids, pregnant with anthers and went on two foreign holidays a year and had LOTS of designer handbags, all with their own matching pair of designer shoes!

All parents don't give up their lives and handbags, all childfree people don't want designer-packed hedonistic lifestyles!

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

I feel like the only thing I’ve contributed to this thread is memes about being child free.
Here’s another one I relate to

 

[JoeBloggs]

I hate those people who say Christmas isn’t fun without kids, why do I want to get up at 5am and spend the day building toys. I want to drink champagne in my pjs and relax all day!

 

[judgejohndeed]

I get that sometimes it’s not possible to leave the kids at home (single parent, only able to get food after school run in a pinch etc) but why can’t they just leave the kids at home. Why do kids want to go food shopping or dragged round M&S.

I always think this when you see couples with their kids in supermarkets. Why on earth wouldn’t one of you stay home with the children? I guess these people must really love going to Aldi as a family or something, I don’t get it.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Sorry, don’t want to derail the thread, but, Jesus.

goodbye.

 

[Traveler001]

Ugh yes, their comments were making my skin crawl like how they said they couldn’t wait to have a ‘mini me’ they could dress up

In other childfree discussions, I’ve seen people mention that a lot of men just want the ‘Kodak moments’. In other words all the ‘special’ moments you’d see in a Kodak ad, like blowing out the candles on their first birthday cake, teaching them to ride a bike, sending them off to their first day of school etc. But they don’t actually want to deal with any of the real shit that comes with having a child. And I really agree. It’s easy for these men to say they want 5 kids as if it’s nothing…but the reality

I worked with a man who had two grown up boys with his ex and was with a younger woman who didnt want kids really (not sure if because she was childfree or 19 ) anyway he was trying to tell her how great it'd be if they had kids because he loved being a dad and she'd get lots of time to herself cos he was still involved with some football team his kids had played on or something so their kids could join WHEN THEY WERE ELEVEN. So she has to grow, birth and raise kids she doesn't want for 11 years and then she'll get Saturday afternoons off

 

[Anne1448]

I totally agree with all of your points and have had similar experiences to you! I don't think men get the same hassle (it is a hassle to me!) as women. I also don't think men get the same questions, or other people's opinions thrown at them near as much. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't often hear of men being asked about when (never if! Always when!) they are going to have kids!

I just want to add, and I've said it here before, that the level of toxicity amongst mothers is horrific. It honestly turns me more and more to the child free side every time I see it. I'm following another thread at the moment where it seems to be a competition to see who had the most traumatic birth with the most complications AND who complained about it the least. Its so toxic!

Yes yes and double yes!

I used to work in PR and there were two mothers who would not only be bitter but they were also absolutely spiteful. Whenever I would talk about enjoying my holidays abroad they'd say "it must be nice" in the most sarcastic voice.

One day I was talking about how I never eat fast food due to my mental health and my struggles with my body image. One of them said "Wait until you have children and this skinny body will be fucked. Your husband might even look somewhere else." Since I am petty as fuck I replied "Like yours did?" And since then it was war at the office.

They are not the only mothers that I met who are so miserable and so regretful of their decision of having children that they'll do everything to bring you to miseryland with them.

 

[Eureka]

You're right - the judgement is crazy. School playgrounds are just as bad for parents as they are for the kids, and everyone has an opinion on parenting, childbirth, feeding -every last little bit of it is judged and commented on.

Let’s be honest women get judged no matter what we do. I have a 24 year old daughter who has made the decision to remain childfree. She has a lovely partner who shares that view. She gets told she is terrible, unnatural, that she will change her mind etc I think it’s great that women have choices now and can decide for themselves how many kids to have, or not have. After all wasn’t that the whole point of second wave feminism and the fight for fertility rights?

 

[Calabria]

I have found my people!

I’m so fed up of people telling me I’d be a great Mum. It’s lovely of them to say as it must mean I have nice qualities but I have never wanted children of my own and that has never wavered for a single moment.

Pregnancy bellies freak me out - a friend kept trying to get me to feel hers and got offended when I said I really didn’t want to.

People assume I’m going to be lonely without kids - err why? It’s not like I don’t have friends or a life just because I haven’t pushed something the size of a watermelon out of my fanny.

Even if I did want kids I know I’d have to think long and hard about it because we have a long history of mental health issues on both sides of the family and I couldn’t bring a kid into that in good conscience if it meant they’d have to go through what I’ve been through / various members of my family have.

Plus I like my lie ins too much! And being able to do things on a whim! And being able to go out for dinner reservations that aren’t at half past five so they can get home for bedtime! And peace and quiet! Grown up time! Disposable income! No nappies!

 

[dancingqueen5678]

Yeah exactly, but I’m worried he is starting to get a little bored. We don’t really do a lot of different things And obvs haven’t been able to go on a proper holiday for nearly 2 years which would break up the monotony slightly. I mean i do suggest different things to do but I can’t drive so it would always be him driving and he drives all week for work so by the time the weekend comes he’s not up for it

I'm really sorry but this whole thing has absolutely baffled me.

So he potentially wants kids cause he's bored cause you guys don't do a lot of different things, but even if you had kids you probably couldn't do those things anyway as it'd be kid orientated things which could be even more boring (soft play and attraction farms are boring, and they're full of screaming kids), and he's still going to have drive on the weekend with the kids even though he's not up for driving now it's just the two of you?

And even if you did have kids... he'd not be doing much of the heavy lifting given his job? So you'd probably be left doing it all? Not to mention, life with kids is probably more boring. It's Groundhog Day filled with school runs, packed lunches, washing etc. No spontaneous holidays or days out. Holidays that revolve around kids and keeping them entertained while you have very little fun cause you're watching the kids and making sure they've got suncream on and they don't drown.


ETA: this isn't me trying to put you off. I just don't understand the ridiculousness of the bored statement.

I had a coworker say that to me once ‘won’t you be bored without kids?’. Whenever I’m feeling a bit bored, I never think ‘oh man i wish a child to look after right now!’.

And tbh I think even if people do have children because of boredom, boring just takes on a new meaning as you adapt and it becomes your new normal. When you’ve come home from work and you’ve gotta bathe the kids, cook their dinner, help them with their homework, take them to clubs, tidy up after them etc…

I'd rather be bored without kids and be able to book a week off work and jump on a plane, go to spa, go on a day trip mid week than be bored with kids and be stuck on a school schedule or because nap time is at 11:30