Childfree by Choice #12 I care about my life, not my death.

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I'm on a cruise on an adult only ship at the moment and it's heaven! I can swim in the pool without being dive bombed, there are no small children on ipads at dinner and the entertainment isn't aimed at families.

Unfortunately we share some of the ports with Monstrosity of the Sea type ships so there are lots of families around, mainly American. But I have to say that the kids I have come across, generally have been impeccably behaved. Without exception they have all been properly supervised by parents who interact positively with the.
 
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Just be glad it was only a card, I saw a photo on Facebook yesterday of a mum snogging her little (4-6 maybe) boy. Disturbing. Someone shared it saying something about how when a woman needs unconditional love god will send her a sonā€¦ thatā€™s not a responsibility a child should have.
I think I threw up in my mouth. It's not her son's duty to heal the scars of her messed up past relationships?? They give birth to a whole ass person to serve as a bandaid for their crappy psyche and they have the audacity to call childfree women selfish for not wanting a child.
 
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Saw a few acquaintances posting their babies with flowers and captions like "daddy's little valentine". šŸ¤¢
And it's just for show on social media anyway like with christmas or visiting pumpkin patches etc, so unnecessary!
 
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Does anyone elseā€™s decision not to have children stem from fear of having a child with disabilities or additional needs?
My first full time job was in a special needs nursery home for severely disabled children needing 24 hour care. Most of them had no language, were unable to eat, walk and so onā€¦

I knew I didnā€™t want children, but working there really cemented it for me. The parents of the children were completely heartbroken, worn down and depressed. They visited their children approximately once a month, where they cried for hours and we would try to comfort them. Most of the children were born this way due to infections late in pregnancy, or severe complications during birth, and didnā€™t live past 10 years of age.

There are many valid reasons I do not want children, but the risk of having a disabled child is very high on the list šŸ’”
 
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Does anyone elseā€™s decision not to have children stem from fear of having a child with disabilities or additional needs?
Not that alone but it's another reason for me not to, as there are autism and autoimmune conditions in my extended family. I know that viewpoint will outrage the 'I wouldn't have my [whatever condition] child any other way' parents but whatever.
 
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It's reassuring to hear other people voice that, as it was a fear for me at least when I was younger.
I've known since I was a teenager that I didn't want children, and that feeling has only increased as I've got older. Every so often i get a pang of sadness that I won't experience that kind of love between a mother and child, which has become more acute since I've been nursing my elderly mother through a serious illness. But even so I don't regret it. My life with Mr Beacon (who also very much does not want kids) is amazing, and a child would be a bad idea for both of us. And I'm 100% glad I didn't have kids in either of my previous serious relationships, as that would have been a disaster.
 
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Iā€™ve got a very rare condition - klippel feil syndrome - itā€™s so rare there are no specialists in the UK and you have more chance of winning the national lottery than having it, I wonā€™t risk passing it on (drs donā€™t know if itā€™s hereditary as they donā€™t do any research) as my life is increasingly limited due to the condition itself and the duck ups by Drs who know nothing about my condition but we will try anyway! and make my health worse.
 
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Iā€™ve got a very rare condition - klippel feil syndrome - itā€™s so rare there are no specialists in the UK and you have more chance of winning the national lottery than having it, I wonā€™t risk passing it on (drs donā€™t know if itā€™s hereditary as they donā€™t do any research) as my life is increasingly limited due to the condition itself and the duck ups by Drs who know nothing about my condition but we will try anyway! and make my health worse.
I've spoken before about how I am at risk of Huntington's Disease and if I have got the gene there is 50% chance of passing it on. I have decided not to find out if I have it so therefore feel it unfair to put future children at risk. There is no cure and no long term treatment available despite ongoing research. There is talk that the condition will become more manageable in the next 10 years but it's not certain. I didn't particularly want children before I found out about this, but it kind of cemented it for me.
 
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I've spoken before about how I am at risk of Huntington's Disease and if I have got the gene there is 50% chance of passing it on. I have decided not to find out if I have of it so therefore feel it unfair to put future children at risk. There is no cure and no long term treatment available despite ongoing research. There is talk that the condition will become more manageable in the next 10 years but it's not certain. I didn't particularly want children before I found out about this, but it kind of cemented it for me.
I saw things about Huntingtons and it is horrible. I really understand it that you dont want children. I also have somethign that has a 50% of passing on. I lost my mother if it(thats really rare with what I have). Bit its a big reason why I dont want children. And people are still tit about it. My sister has children, and one of them has severe health problems because pf this(still really rare but it happened) and still people are giving me tit about not having children. I DONT WANT THEM!!!!
 
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There's a thread on Mumsnet at the minute asking if money was no object, how many kids would you have? Would it be really wrong of me to tell them if money is no object, it'll still be none, I'll spend it on nice holidays instead?!
 
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A lot of people's arguments for having kids is "who's gonna look after you when you're older" which I find quite hilarious given how many people are shoved into nursing homes. It's often the baby boomer generation who put forward this argument as well, while refusing to care for their elderly parents and saying that they'd never have them live with them

I canā€™t tell you how much I hate the ā€œwell who is going to care for you when youā€™re oldā€ ā€œargumentā€ (I use the term very loosely. Firstly, nobody should be having children to guarantee a carer in their old age. Much as I love my mother dearly, if she birthed me purely to have a carer when sheā€™s older then she is going to be very disappointed. I also find this argument assumes the worst of me for being childless and the best of those who have children. Iā€™ve worked my entire life and will be financially stable enough, due to the decisions I have made, to pay for my own care in old age, if I even need care. I come from a family that has always lived in their own homes until their deaths in their 80s and 90s. We are made of strong stuff! And those who think their children are going to be working to keep us aged childless folks in care or hospitals, what makes them so sure they will turn out that way? Why assume the best of them but the worst of me? I could just as easily say that I worked to provide the welfare that they will be living on.
 
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I canā€™t tell you how much I hate the ā€œwell who is going to care for you when youā€™re oldā€ ā€œargumentā€ (I use the term very loosely. Firstly, nobody should be having children to guarantee a carer in their old age. Much as I love my mother dearly, if she birthed me purely to have a carer when sheā€™s older then she is going to be very disappointed. I also find this argument assumes the worst of me for being childless and the best of those who have children. Iā€™ve worked my entire life and will be financially stable enough, due to the decisions I have made, to pay for my own care in old age, if I even need care. I come from a family that has always lived in their own homes until their deaths in their 80s and 90s. We are made of strong stuff! And those who think their children are going to be working to keep us aged childless folks in care or hospitals, what makes them so sure they will turn out that way? Why assume the best of them but the worst of me? I could just as easily say that I worked to provide the welfare that they will be living on.
When they ask who will look after me when Iā€™m old I say ā€˜thatā€™s actually a good point, I didnā€™t think of that. Has yours and your husbands relationship stayed ok with all your parents even though they live with you and you care for them because Iā€™d be worried my relationship with my children could deteriorate in that situation but if that not the case maybe I could have some kidsā€™ their parents are always in a care home or have at home carers, not once has anyone ever actually been a carer for their parents/in laws so I say ā€˜oh I wonā€™t bother having kids then, Iā€™ll just go into a care home/get carersā€™.
 
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This is a very personal question but if anyone on here is in this position and wouldn't mind to answer... Has anyone got past the age of being able to have kids, and never had them due to being undecided? Like has time just passed by for you, and now it's too late, and if so how do you feel? Have you felt regret?

It's one thing that sticks in my head, getting past the age of being able to have kids and not having them only to have such regrets later in life. I also worry that a partner may decide to remarry/move on to someone who can give them kids if they were to change their mind once you were no longer able to šŸ˜•
 
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Iā€™m still in my āœØreproductive eraāœØ lol but Iā€™ll gladly share my mums advice.

You should only have kids, if you absolutely cannot live without. If you wake up every morning wishing you had kids, then go for it. If not, then you should seriously consider your reasons for wanting them.

Iā€™m not saying this is the perfect advice, or that all parents have to feel that way. Iā€™m just saying that having kids is 95% hard work and sleepless nights, so you should really truly want them to ensure both you and the kids have happy lives.
 
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This is a very personal question but if anyone on here is in this position and wouldn't mind to answer... Has anyone got past the age of being able to have kids, and never had them due to being undecided? Like has time just passed by for you, and now it's too late, and if so how do you feel? Have you felt regret?

It's one thing that sticks in my head, getting past the age of being able to have kids and not having them only to have such regrets later in life. I also worry that a partner may decide to remarry/move on to someone who can give them kids if they were to change their mind once you were no longer able to šŸ˜•
I can't comment on your first question but I have my thoughts about the latter.

I'm not saying you would do this/considering it, but to me, having kids to "keep" one's partner is a dangerous, dangerous path to take. Having children 'just in case' is a terrible gamble. Not every relationship is meant for life, and if someone will leave you for not wanting children, as painful as it may be, it really is the best choice for everyone. Your opinion about having children should be made firstly by yourself. Whether you can agree with your partner on it comes after. Giving birth to biological kids is not the only way to become a parent. If later in life you feel so strongly about wanting a child, there are other options, expensive and arduous as they may be but none of them should become the get out of jail free card lest your partner moves onto someone else. That can happen with or without children, and if your relationship ends, what happens when you become a single parent with a child you hardly wanted?

Best to know where you stand and know your own heart and mind. Regardless of what choice you make, you sacrifice something. It's for you to decide whether your sacrifice is worth the life you get to have.
 
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Iā€™m nearly 42 so not technically past it but in reality I think I am. Absolutely no regrets yet! šŸ¤ŸšŸ»
 
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This is a very personal question but if anyone on here is in this position and wouldn't mind to answer... Has anyone got past the age of being able to have kids, and never had them due to being undecided? Like has time just passed by for you, and now it's too late, and if so how do you feel? Have you felt regret?

It's one thing that sticks in my head, getting past the age of being able to have kids and not having them only to have such regrets later in life. I also worry that a partner may decide to remarry/move on to someone who can give them kids if they were to change their mind once you were no longer able to šŸ˜•

I had to have a medical hysterectomy at 40 and the relief of knowing I'd no longer accidentally get pregnant is such a weight off my shoulders. I've always known I'd never want children though and don't even know if I could have gotten pregnant anyway due to years of using every contraception going to prevent it.
Obviously you can never say a partner wouldn't change their mind but that's on them not you, you shouldn't change your mind because of him cos he could up and leave you anyway then you would be left holding a baby you possibly didn't really want.
 
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I also worry that a partner may decide to remarry/move on to someone who can give them kids if they were to change their mind once you were no longer able to šŸ˜•
Just quoting myself - I realised this didn't really sound as I intended. I definitely don't think you should have a baby to keep a partner, tbh nothing can guarantee anyone staying with you anyway. I'm just going through a lot of thoughts in my own mind and it did occur to me you may both agree, but men do have the option at pretty much any age whereas women don't. Probably still not making sense šŸ˜…
 
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