First time poster - wow, I’m oddly nervous. I basically came to vent about Erin from LLL and her post tonight. I absolutely understand that as the mother of typical children I will never understand what it’s like to live her life. And maybe this is really petty of me, and I know you’ll let me know if it is - but the hate she has for parents of typical children really angers me. Tonights post mentioned the reprieve she gets when she’s with Tom and not Lulu - and likened it to parents of typical children dropping their kids at daycare so they can get their nails done or have lunch with friends. I think most of us drop our kids at daycare so we can go to work. Our lives may not be anywhere near has difficult as hers is, but we aren’t all sitting in the lap of luxury getting mani/pedis while we sip cocktails by the pool with our friends while our kids are at daycare. I assume this is coming from her being deeply disappointed by friends of hers who do not understand the reality of her life - and I’m sorry that’s been her experience. But parenting isn’t this split between living the trauma of disability or having a grand old time and putting your feet up. I know I just need to unfollow if I’m being triggered by something so small but honestly this was just the straw that broke me - everything that’s been posted about her here so far rings true for me. My heart breaks for them all, especially those babies, but also not all parents of typical kids are out to get you, Erin.
I don’t believe she thinks they are out to get her. I think she’s still deep in grief and therefore finds it difficult to be around parents of typical children who cannot relate to her, and her to them. That’s not the same as seeing them as being out to get her. I’ve followed her from the beginning and I don’t see hate. I see frustration and resentment bit I guess I don’t necessarily feel that resentment about your own situation is the same thing as hating someone who has what you wish you had. When my dad died when my son was six months old, just before Christmas, I honestly felt quite resentful when I saw my husband’s dad playing with my son at Christmas, because the grief was so unbearable, but I certainly didn’t hate my FIL. I just found my situation so horrible. I guess I think it’s probably a bit like that.
As I’ve said before, I do think she needs better mental health treatment. I understand how that comment about going to cafes etc sounded but to be fair I think she may have been comparing to other second time mums on maternity leave, not mums who have put their kids in daycare to go back to work. I have an almost 1 year old and have had my 3 year old at home full time along with her, but I was assigned a second time mum’s group and in that group every other mum had the first child in daycare, so they were able to take the baby along to get their hair done or out to cafes etc. Erin lives in the same area I do in Sydney so I wouldn’t be surprised if her experience is of watching that. Yes, Erin probably does have an idealised vision of what life is like with a typical child, but then those of us not in her situation will never fully understand it.
That’s a really really good point and I hadn’t even thought of that. Thank you for showing me a different angle x
I’ve been thinking about it a bit more after reading Erin’s latest post and I think the other thing is this… Erin is probably going through what many parents of typical children do when they have a second and it’s probably amplified with Lulu having a disability. When my second child was born and I got home, my first honestly felt like a stranger to me. He seemed so big and unknown, and separate to me, when immediately before my daughter was born, he had seemed such a little baby boy, and so close. While we were still very close, it took me some time to fully regain the connection and it wasn’t until my daughter was out of the newborn phase that I started to feel like I was getting to know him again. I found it really disorienting. Thinking about that, I have more compassion for Erin’s post.