Am I being ghosted? (New relationship)

[Chocolatelover333]

I have been in similar situations many times and I have learnt at the end of the day if someone wants to be with you then they will be with you. I will never understand the way men think and act. I would say block and delete everywhere otherwise you will just be checking your phone for a reply.
You are much better off without him. X

 

[bobthedragqueen]

Thanks for sharing your story and so sorry this is happening to you. My gut is telling me, because of my own personal experience purely, that perhaps he is doing the ghost. It is such a cowardly thing to do and for someone who seems so honest and open in the beginning, an odd move.

Us girls think double texting makes us seem crazy but that’s just wrong... he, a person you’ve developed feelings for and are starting to genuinely care for has effectively disappeared so why wouldn’t you try and get in touch with him? If you want to text again or call him, do it. It won’t paint you in a bad light, his potential lack of response will be the only crazy behaviour here.

I would personally hold fire if you’ve messaged tonight already (purely if the him being busy with work storyline is legit) and wait to see if you hear from him this evening. If not, I’d send another message tomorrow and be honest about how you’re feeling. I’d say you’ve noticed a shift and want to know what’s going on. Like a previous poster said, the sooner you know what’s going on the better for you to process and move on with your life if you need to. You don’t need to apologise for wanting to know whether you need to keep a space open in your life for him or not. It takes a second to send a message.

Down with ghosting!!! Sending hugs! Keep us updated xxx

 

[Sweetcorn]

Hey guys! Thanks for all your replies

I’m going over a few options in my head.

1. Part of me wants to message and ask him straight. He’s avoiding the conversation, because it’s uncomfortable, so I want to put him in that uncomfortable place to actually SAY what he has to say because sometimes being an adult means owning what you are feeling/saying. He’s put me in an uncomfortable place so . I feel like if I don’t acknowledge what he’s doing then he’s getting away with it which I don’t like, someone has to hold these boys accountable!

2. The other part of me wants to send him a sassy message (without even letting him explain) about how treating girls this way will never work, most girls won’t stand for it and just generally give him a reality check about what he’s doing. Just so maybe he can think ‘shit, I messed with the wrong girl’ sort of thing. I feel like this will sent a boundary for not only me but girls in his future and hopefully... he’ll learn something??? (why we have to teach grown men how to treat a girl is BEYOND me). I’ve thought about what I’d say but I’m really not sure so that’s holding me back from doing that at the minute

3. Or I could just leave it completely. If he wants to explain he can come and explain, I’ve already given him opportunity to do this when I reached out on Tuesday. If he did explain I’d probably just read it and be done with it, play him at his own game so to speak (but then I’m I just stooping to his level? Haha). I feel like if I messaged him again it’s just clear that I’m giving him more of my time and possibly sitting around waiting for him, I don’t want him to think he has that power over me. I feel like giving him anymore of my time is just time wasted. If he can continue to go on his WhatsApp, see my messages, ignore them and continue on with his life, then that’s on his conscience. No doubt he’ll actually feel bad about it and be thinking it over himself. But... my conscience is clear

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I honestly think you need to ring him and find out once and for all. At the moment you’re kind of making excuses and justifications for his actions, rather than seeing the bigger picture. Which is normal when you fall into someone’s trap so quickly. I’m not trying to be cynical, I just think if someone was that into you, they’d find a way to message you back, they don’t necessarily have to see you, but they’d at least find 30 seconds to respond to a message.

 

[Beebee3]

Hey guys! Thanks for all your replies

I’m going over a few options in my head.

1. Part of me wants to message and ask him straight. He’s avoiding the conversation, because it’s uncomfortable, so I want to put him in that uncomfortable place to actually SAY what he has to say because sometimes being an adult means owning what you are feeling/saying. He’s put me in an uncomfortable place so . I feel like if I don’t acknowledge what he’s doing then he’s getting away with it which I don’t like, someone has to hold these boys accountable!

2. The other part of me wants to send him a sassy message (without even letting him explain) about how treating girls this way will never work, most girls won’t stand for it and just generally give him a reality check about what he’s doing. Just so maybe he can think ‘shit, I messed with the wrong girl’ sort of thing. I feel like this will sent a boundary for not only me but girls in his future and hopefully... he’ll learn something??? (why we have to teach grown men how to treat a girl is BEYOND me). I’ve thought about what I’d say but I’m really not sure so that’s holding me back from doing that at the minute

3. Or I could just leave it completely. If he wants to explain he can come and explain, I’ve already given him opportunity to do this when I reached out on Tuesday. If he did explain I’d probably just read it and be done with it, play him at his own game so to speak (but then I’m I just stooping to his level? Haha). I feel like if I messaged him again it’s just clear that I’m giving him more of my time and possibly sitting around waiting for him, I don’t want him to think he has that power over me. I feel like giving him anymore of my time is just time wasted. If he can continue to go on his WhatsApp, see my messages, ignore them and continue on with his life, then that’s on his conscience. No doubt he’ll actually feel bad about it and be thinking it over himself. But... my conscience is clear

You’ve got this. You’re worth so much more x

 

[Scorpihoe]

OP you sound so sweet and lovely and it really sucks this happened to you.

This is what I think - he really does like you, everything was true and he had genuine feelings. However I think he’s a commitment phobe. He did all these sweet things and realised how serious you guys had become and thought “fuck, I’m in real deep now”. So he’s acted out a bit, gone on dating sites and talked to other women, because it’s easy and carefree and doesn’t have to lead somewhere. As he said, he does this when he’s “bored” aka, he wants something easy and non-serious

I think he’s panicked and had a change of heart, hence the ghosting.

Here’s what I would do: I would leave him to it. You’ve sent him a message, and if he doesn’t reply, then that’s that. Wait for him to reach out to you and then ask where he’s been. If he never reaches out to you, you have your answer.

Although I’m a crazy bitch, I’d probably turn up to his house and ask for my stuff back

 

[BettyCrocker]

I am so sorry to say this as the feeling is awful but I think he’s probably met someone else. Either that or he is having a change of heart. My best friend who is an amazing, beautiful, smart, woman is treated like this quite regularly by men. It’s becoming so much more frequent as I believe dating apps make the ‘girlfriend experience’ so accessible without the commitment. It’s just absolutely mind blowing so see it happen to her but what you are saying sounds so similar to what she goes through.
My advice is to call him up and ask him outright why he’s been so quiet. If he turns it onto you then you know you’re dealing with nothing but a fuck boy. If he can reasonably explain his radio silence and takes on board what you’re saying then you’ll know he’s perhaps more legit than most of us might have thought x

unfortunately I think the OP will just allow herself to believe whatever poor excuse this guy comes out with and this cycle will just go On & on....she’s already sent him various messages - he knows shes waiting for a response and he’s deliberately choosing not to contact her. That in itself is enough of a response!!

 

[Rainbow1]

YES! This is the best advice I ever received. My notes on my phone contain the innermost thoughts of my crazy I’ve spent many nights tossing and turning then written the crazy message in my notes and gone soundly to sleep with it all off my chest.

I did send one once, but it waited for about 3 days to make sure I really meant it all and I asked his permission before sending it

Yes to the notes I’ve done this

Then read back when I’ve calmed down (or sobered up) and been so glad I haven’t sent them phew

 

[Scorpihoe]

I do it at work a lot. Click reply when an email annoys me. Always delete the recipient. Type what I want to say. Save it in drafts, read through the next day and delete

It's very cathartic thrashing out an email saying exactly what you want. Just don't send

So glad you said “delete recipient”, imagine writing out an angry email to your boss and accidentally sending it

 

[GetOffMyLawn]

I can’t add to all the other fantastic advice offered but I just want to give you a virtual hug. Whatever the outcome, please know you can reach out for support

 

[JD-Morgan]

Probably the opposite of everyone on here but he genuinely might be busy?

When I first met my partner I had the busiest month at work I had ever (if you are in the motor trade you’ll know all about March& September being hellish). I barely spoke to him for a month because genuinely I was getting up, going to work, not even having a lunch break, powering through all day without checking my phone, staying on until 8 most evenings, coming home, wolfing down a ready meal, having a shower and going to bed. I was mentally and physically drained and just didn’t have the capacity to have any sort of conversation with anyone. We had a conversation about it and I tried to make some more time for him but it was hard. 5 years later, things are the same every March & September but he understands. Now we live together it’s easier but I still barely speak to home when I get him & just go straight to bed

Maybe I’m too nice but I would just straight up ask and if he says he’s just been too busy, take it at face value but remain cautious x

I have to second this opinion, not every guy is an asshole.

The fact he hadn’t been on WhatsApp in a couple of days is a red flag if WhatsApp is something he normally uses frequently.

I would 100% message or call him and ask what’s going on, that you feel he’s been ignoring you and want to know where you stand.

 

[Bleurghgram]

Do option 3, never contact him again.

But if you feel like you need to get all your emotions out on paper, write a letter or email - your sassy text. Just don’t send it

Hope you’re okay xx

YES! This is the best advice I ever received. My notes on my phone contain the innermost thoughts of my crazy I’ve spent many nights tossing and turning then written the crazy message in my notes and gone soundly to sleep with it all off my chest.

I did send one once, but it waited for about 3 days to make sure I really meant it all and I asked his permission before sending it

 

[Bae56]

Hey guys! Thanks for all your replies

I’m going over a few options in my head.

1. Part of me wants to message and ask him straight. He’s avoiding the conversation, because it’s uncomfortable, so I want to put him in that uncomfortable place to actually SAY what he has to say because sometimes being an adult means owning what you are feeling/saying. He’s put me in an uncomfortable place so . I feel like if I don’t acknowledge what he’s doing then he’s getting away with it which I don’t like, someone has to hold these boys accountable!

2. The other part of me wants to send him a sassy message (without even letting him explain) about how treating girls this way will never work, most girls won’t stand for it and just generally give him a reality check about what he’s doing. Just so maybe he can think ‘shit, I messed with the wrong girl’ sort of thing. I feel like this will sent a boundary for not only me but girls in his future and hopefully... he’ll learn something??? (why we have to teach grown men how to treat a girl is BEYOND me). I’ve thought about what I’d say but I’m really not sure so that’s holding me back from doing that at the minute

3. Or I could just leave it completely. If he wants to explain he can come and explain, I’ve already given him opportunity to do this when I reached out on Tuesday. If he did explain I’d probably just read it and be done with it, play him at his own game so to speak (but then I’m I just stooping to his level? Haha). I feel like if I messaged him again it’s just clear that I’m giving him more of my time and possibly sitting around waiting for him, I don’t want him to think he has that power over me. I feel like giving him anymore of my time is just time wasted. If he can continue to go on his WhatsApp, see my messages, ignore them and continue on with his life, then that’s on his conscience. No doubt he’ll actually feel bad about it and be thinking it over himself. But... my conscience is clear

No matter what route you choose the outcome will be the same. He has backed off & is no longer treating you like a woman he's perusing.

Please don't send an essay message. I can guarantee he'll see it as a headache & no doubt call you clingy or be unpleasant. That route wont make you feel any better.

I wouldn't contact him at all if it were me, but I know it's easier said than done. If you do contact him it would need to be short & sweet, along the lines of you've noticed things are different, wish him the best but probably better to call it off. Don't engage in arguments or look for anything more from him.
I'm also thinking what is the point? You don't have any explaining to do so you've no need to reach out to him.
You're absolutely right, you're giving him your time by contacting then back the waiting game to see of he responds. I don't think you should give him more respect than he's given you. Why should you chase around after him him? Meanwhile, he doesn't have the decency to respond to you or let you know what's going on.
If you dont contact him, it will make you stronger. I bet if you do contact him, you'll regret it.

 

[Upintheair83]

Ahhhhh, ever likely you feel the way you do. It’s confusing as hell!
Iv been in this position and I know very well the hurt ghosting can bring and how it makes you feel like a mad woman.
But you know what, if it was me, I would be straight and text him and say you feel that things feel different and that you know he’s busy but it’s no excuse to ignore you, that if you are having second thoughts that’s ok, but please let me know because it’s cruel to not let me know.
I know that’s probably not a popular opinion but I just think cut to the chase and ask. I did that once and I got the answer that I didn’t want to hear but it just felt like a relief that I finally knew. You deserve more than to be left hanging.
Sending you love and hope you are ok xxx

 

[Sweetsunrise]

I just read the whole thread and was so invested!! Sweetcorn, I'm so glad you made the right decision, you are worth more than some twat who wants to mess you around. I thought I'd share my ghosting story because me and my friends sometimes still laugh about it:

I met a guy through a new friend I'd made through my volunteering work in 2019. We really hit it off when we met and spoke all night at this bar we were at. We exchanged numbers and texted for months talking about what kind of dates we would have, before finally going on an actual date. On the date, he showed up 45 minutes late (!!!) but because we'd met through a mutual friend and had met before and got along I thought "might as well wait because he seemed so cool when we met". He barely spoke for the first half of the date which was SO awkward, but I just thought maybe it's extreme nerves or something. Then he got drunk and started acting as chatty and cool as he had been over text and the first time we met. So basically he couldn't seem to form a sentence whilst sober lol

The date went really well in the end and we made vague plans to do it again. Then the slow freezing out started, which was bizarre because we had ideas for our next date. When I finally texted him after three days silence to set a time and place for a second date, he replied back in a really nasty and blunt way saying I didn't pay for anything the other night, so a second date wouldn't be happening. Even though 1) I had offered to pay for drinks and 2) if it was such a big deal, I would happily have sent him some money.

Needless to say, he never replied, I felt like I had dodged a massive bullet. What upset me the most was the mutual friend we had met through who I really liked hanging out with ghosted me too. Guess they were a group of dickheads, eh?

Omg!!! This reminds me of an article I read about a guy who asked a girl for a refund on her drink, because they didn’t have sex and it wasn’t “worth it for him” I’ve attached the article and the screenshot of the texts if you want to be shocked!

Student stunned at reason man asked for refund on drinks he bought her

Chloe Matthews, who is studying in Hull, shared the outrageously cheeky message exchange between her and the man known as 'Danny from Atik' who wanted a refund for the drinks he bought her.

www.google.co.uk

 

[HelloStereo]

Thanks for your reply
You’re right, it is so fickle! It’s really frustrating. Just good to know I’m not the only one that finds his behaviour strange. I’ve even bought gifts that I was going to give him for Christmas . Anyone want some Speed Champions car Lego????

If the answer is not what you want to hear, return it and buy yourself something nice.

The conversation he had with you over FaceTime seemed suspect, and I think maybe something happened in his life that made him reconsider? Maybe someone reappeared or he realised how he wasn't over someone? When he said he wished he'd met you before, it seems like he was still hung up on someone and he wishes he had met you and never met them...

It seems like since that conversation, he has been trying to gradually distance himself from you, by saying he had work on, then texting less etc.

I think you should trust your gut instinct, but also ask him so you know for definite. I do find that it's generally not good news if they stop regularly texting and make excuses to not meet up abut he should tell you as he must know how it makes people feel to be blanked. You deserve better.

 

[Yoghurtpots]

Any update?

 

[Sweetcorn]

I agree with YankyDoo! From his previous behaviour and how invested he seemed to be, the sudden change doesn’t sit right. What have you got to lose in asking him? I don’t think it’ll be seen as you pestering him, and hopefully you’ll then know where you stand. Dating is so bloody fickle! I have my fingers crossed for you x

Thanks for your reply
You’re right, it is so fickle! It’s really frustrating. Just good to know I’m not the only one that finds his behaviour strange. I’ve even bought gifts that I was going to give him for Christmas . Anyone want some Speed Champions car Lego????

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I’ve been thinking about this. I think the FaceTime was him trying to end it but as you said he got flustered.
You deserve better than a man that can’t keep off dating apps, it sets the wrong standards for what you would be tolerating in this relationship.

I think the object of the exercise is for him to treat the OP badly, so she'll get fed up with him and move on. I have been there a few times myself. This sort of thing uses up so much energy, don't waste it on this person.

So many men do this. An old friend did this to a girl and I couldn’t bare it so I cut him off. He didn’t want to hurt her by being honest so he would ignore her and let her get upset instead.

 

[Monkeybum]

It really is excellent advice and I’m going to start doing this. It’s kind of like journaling in a weird way!?
Maybe good to do it for all relationships, not just romantic..there are lots of things I’d love to say to my siblings and colleagues

I do it at work a lot. Click reply when an email annoys me. Always delete the recipient. Type what I want to say. Save it in drafts, read through the next day and delete

It's very cathartic thrashing out an email saying exactly what you want. Just don't send