Am I being ghosted? (New relationship)

[2xblended]

Why do they say things they don’t mean?! Why do they make promises they have no intention of keeping?

I understand that the hardest part is that he made all these big moves, got you feeling like he was invested in you, then went cold. The contrast in behaviour is confusing to us on the receiving end. It sucks.
Unfortunately, the only answer I've ever found is that he's subconsciously using me for an ego boost. It gave him power that I believed his intensity came from a real connection, that I would follow his cues (like you did when you mentioned it to your family because he led you to), and it gave him power when he got bored and left, when he decided to come back nonchalantly and knew I would reply to his message even after a long absence.
I've found it's always about power and control. The love bombing is just empty words to him but he gets a kick out of how easily he is believed and can get the other person invested.
I took too long to learn my lesson, I'm glad you've made a quick decision.

 

[Hinchhater1442]

I never post but seems as so many of us have been in the same situation I thought I would share my story. I was seeing this guy for around 3 months everything was going great and it was heading in the direction of being official. Then one day when we were hanging out he was acting out of character so I asked him what was up and he shrugged it off and said he was having a off day. 2 days later I get a message while i'm at work saying he doesn't want a relationship and he just want to be friends. Obviously I was quite upset at this was so out the blue as only the week before he told me how happy he was and how he was waiting for the right moment to ask me to be his girlfriend. As hurt as I was I decided to give it a shot at us staying friends but things were never the same. We went from talking all hours about all sorts to barely getting a message back, the whole tone of the conversation we did have was just different and I knew deep down he couldn't be bothered anymore so I just gave up. Fast forward a few weeks with no contact I thought about messaging and asking him on what had gone so wrong to find he'd blocked me and got back with his ex girlfriend who he would constantly slate saying she was jealous and controlling

I could have written that myself. Strange that SO many men actually are the same

 

[Raininvain]

Thanks for all your responses so far . I’ve read them all and will continue to. I will make contact with him again, not sure when or what I’ll say yet hahaha

Even though it’s a shit situation to be in, I’m actually really enjoying this girl chat with you all . Why do relationships have to be so complicated and why do guys act like this?!?!? Seriously we need to invest money into looking into this There’s no need for it, say what you mean, say how you truly feel, it’s not that hard. I’ve never told a guy something just to win him over or because I think that’s what will make them ‘fall’ for me but guys do it all the time.
xx

Not complicated at all, hes not interested. Sorry. X Hes acting like this because hes not got the balls to tell you straight.

 

[Bae56]

Hahaha I'm so glad I'm not the only one who does this. If I ever lost my phone I'd be more panicked about someone opening my notes pages than my banking app

This is me. When I can't find my phone this is the first thought that comes into my head

 

[Gertrude]

Oh believe me, when I have fights with my boyfriend, I write what I really think of him in my notes and then compose myself and talk calmly. Anyone who read my notes would think I’m a maniac sometimes I read them back and cringe at myself!

It really is excellent advice and I’m going to start doing this. It’s kind of like journaling in a weird way!?
Maybe good to do it for all relationships, not just romantic..there are lots of things I’d love to say to my siblings and colleagues

 

[theghosttown]

He sounds like a right arsehole. Good job she’s got you to talk to about it.

Definitely. She is also close to my best friend who I mentioned previously is constantly treated like this. We’ve started zooming together and all giving advice as I am far too emotional and angry so I always have to have the last word.

I think what’s so sad about my mums case is these days women are so much more empowered when it comes to sex, whereas from her days it’s a bigger thing. To be fair I don’t think she is cut up on that part I just think she’s worried she’s embarrassed herself and is also really confused. Honestly I just don’t get how hard it is to be open and honest.

 

[theghosttown]

I wouldn’t message again. No way. He knows you’ve text, he knows you exist but he’s choosing to ignore you. You might get a basic reply somewhere down the line but he will quickly go back to not texting. It’s Wednesday night and he hasn’t had 10 seconds to text?

Forget about him.

I wish I could’ve been like you haha (I’m married now). Even to this day if my husband and I have a row and I’m fuming and he ignores me I HATE it. I probably am terrible for giving advice encouraging people to message again. I’m making myself sound like a loon haha.

 

[BigQueenEnergy]

To add to the fire he texted the other night saying we should sleep together 1 last time for closure!????? Like no no.. just no no boy.

Ugh. The audacity!!

 

[Scorpihoe]

Has anyone read a book called “Why men love bitches” by Sherry Argov?

Apparently it’s very popular and meant to be good for setting boundaries and standing up for yourself in relationships. She claims by doing so, it increases a man’s love and respect for you.

It sounds good, and I want to buy it, but want to know if anyone had read it and thought it was worth it?

Or if it’s just bullshit

 

[Rockin' Robin]

I think the object of the exercise is for him to treat the OP badly, so she'll get fed up with him and move on. I have been there a few times myself. This sort of thing uses up so much energy, don't waste it on this person.

 

[Bellaboo83]

Side note - I’d love a relationship/dating advice thread!

There is an active thread "dating after lockdown" which is good for advice on the dating aps at the mo

 

[Whaaaaat]

All the chat about keeping the stuff in a box..... sorry but that’s kinda..... creepy. What 25 year old guy does that?!

I agree. If a man I was just dating was doing stuff like that I’d be straight out the door. Far too OTT to me. If my husband started doing it I’d still make fun of him for it..

 

[Rainbow1]

Trouble is, it’s highly unlikely something had happened. If something had happened, there are ways and means to contact. “Something bad has happened. I’m really sorry”. Let’s you know the deal and let’s you know you’re thinking of them. If he was that into her, he would tell her the low down.

she will never get anymore info because this Fella is a coward. If he wanted to give some info, he would have. Fact

I agree I think what OP posted about the odd FaceTime conversation where he said he felt bad for doing things and his ‘hypothetical’ situation of being on dating apps is a massive red flag and actually not so subtle

I’ve been there trying to justify behaviour with well what if he really is ill or maybe something has happened with family

In the end it takes 5 seconds to send a text to explain above and say you’ll talk soon rather than a flat out ignore

 

[TillyMiffin]

My friend who is on the dating scene is 45 and she’s had a few experiences like this, one turned out to have met someone else, one never contacted her again and one got quite arsey when she questioned whether he really was busy (he said he’d started a new job) and dumped her for being ‘too much’! I think SM/technology is a nightmare for things like this as it enables us to see if they’ve read our messages, been online etc. In the old days if he didn’t ring for a few days it was no big deal! Can I ask the OP when the last time he actually made contact was? Xx

 

[Chablis1]

It’s really shitty because my mum is usually so so chilled and laid back. She always was the one giving me the best advice like don’t reply etc. Now I’m giving here advice! She’s currently at the stage where she’s debating whether to text him something shitty. Classic love bombing and all of a sudden going super cold and distant.

He sounds like a right arsehole. Good job she’s got you to talk to about it.

 

[BigQueenEnergy]

I don’t want to be that person...

but what if you did go with option 3 and he contacted you another way and said something had happened with a friend or family member kinda thing? Like I said before, not all guys are assholes.

99% of the other posts disagree with me completely however personally I’d like an explanation, even if it’s to say they don’t want to see me anymore.

It’s still no excuse. Even if something happened, it means he has poor communication.

 

[Melier]

It does sound luke he’s ghosting you but strange he hasn’t been on WhatsApp very frequently.. I’d definitely send him a message and just ask him to tell you what’s going on! It’s better to know either way then always wonder

 

[Bleurghgram]

Oh believe me, when I have fights with my boyfriend, I write what I really think of him in my notes and then compose myself and talk calmly. Anyone who read my notes would think I’m a maniac sometimes I read them back and cringe at myself!

Hahaha I daren’t read them back, I’d leave him

 

[Scorpihoe]

I suppose it depends how hot headed you are? For me it works because I lose it in the moment and make the situation worse by saying things I don’t really mean. My crazy notes give me time to calm down and reflect on whether I should really be threatening to cut his balls off.

Me too! It really works if you’re hot headed and need a chance to calm down. It also helps me organise my thoughts and realise what matters to me and the point I want to get across.

For example, after I’ve had a fight with my bf, I write a paragraph on how I feel, usually littered with anger, leave it for a few hours and then come back to it. I edit out all the anger or things that are just unnecessarily hurtful, and focus mainly on what’s upset me. It really does work

There’s a load of rants in there my notes too about random things

 

[LaurieLaurie]

The vanishing act isn’t the only problem though is it?