Am I being ghosted? (New relationship)

[1001 others]

I agree with the posts suggesting his behaviour was a perfect example of love bombing.

I'm sorry to say this, but I think there is someone else and it's best that you count your losses and move on. Even if he was to admit to this, and say that he'd chosen you, this period of silence is enough to make me think that he's not suitable boyfriend material in any case. Move on - and yes, I know this is easier said than done - and find someone far more deserving of your time and energy.

I spent far too long worrying about a similar situation many years ago. This guy lied, mucked me around constantly, moved countries without even announcing he was leaving (!), only to expect me to drop everything and join him (and chances were that if I had, he would've bailed on me, leaving me alone in a foreign country). He'd leave messages for me saying how much he missed me (this was well before social media); then I'd call him back and he'd be very cold ... it was just such a waste of energy and left me absolutely heartbroken and clinically depressed.

 

[Ef27]

We’ve all been ghosted and it’s the worst, most cowardly way of moving on/breaking up with someone. I would do what the other ladies suggested and message him telling him to be honest, you’re not dumb and know that something has felt off since that face time. I couldn’t let him get away with treating you like that, you should tell him that you would have appreciated if he spoke to you and hurt your feelings rather than having your time wasted and worrying if he’s genuinely busy/going through a hard time he should tell you because it doesn’t take long to send one or two what’s app messages a day. I’m sorry girl there’s someone better out there for you I saw a quote earlier today saying how to tell of a guy likes you: you either know or you feel confused.

 

[Definitelyme]

Thanks for the update @Sweetcorn!

Just to say not all guys are bad guys at all. When you meet a good one, it’ll be worth the wait, and he won’t play games or mess around. He’ll simply say he likes you and be there for you and with you, and things will evolve from there. They aren’t all messers or master manipulators. My husband wouldn’t have the energy for all the nonsense some of the men on this thread have been up to

This has brought back memories of a guy at uni I really liked, we ended up kissing one night, I went to his for a date... and then because I wouldn’t sleep with him that was the end of it he told me (via msn messenger. I am getting old!) he was sorry I got the wrong idea about what was happening by between us...

 

[2xblended]

Personally the best advice I’ve been given and one I tell my daughter often is - if you don’t like the way they are treating you, why wait for their decision? Set a boundary.

Love this!

 

[Rags2Riches]

Sorry if this was already mentioned as I just don't have the time to read the full thread, but you follow each other and any other social media?

I would 1000000% say do not message again or call him.

If someone wants to talk to you then they will make the time. Its a horrible feeling but I've been there so I'm not saying that to hurt you.

Last man I was with said he wanted me to know that he was serious about us, and then went cold 2 days later and then was in a relationship and love bombing another woman all over social media 2 weeks after that.

It hurt like hell. And I've not put myself out there since (2 years ago now). But I never acknowledged it with him or asked him for answers ever. I felt better for doing that in the long run.

Just don't give him the satisfaction of (in his eye) of begging for his attention.

Would you treat him how he has just treated you? No. So why put up with behaviour like that for yourself.

 

[Whaaaaat]

If you really want to play the game - I’d just message and ask when he’s free for me to pick up my stuff.

Then you’ll either get a shocked “why?” Or a date/time and you’ll know.

 

[Hinchhater1442]

I’m so sorry, but I think he’s ghosting you

what I actually think is that he was trying to back off on the FaceTime, but is a coward and couldn’t just say what he wanted to say.

The most frustrating thing that I ALWAYS find with boys like this is that THEY make you fall for them. They say all the right things, they do shit like encouraging you to tell your family. It’s like they make you like them then fuck you over.

I’m a bit dramatic so I’d probably turn up at his place like hi I’m here to get my things, take them in silence then leave and never speak to him again... but you do you! Good luck X

 

[Definitelyme]

OP you sound like a lovely lady, and someone looking for a great relationship, and I hope you find that soon.

I don’t know what this fella is playing at. Whether he’s very busy, or full of anxiety, or a total dickhead, I dunno.

What I do know is that somebody who was really falling for you, who really cared about you, wouldn’t leave you hanging for days. It takes a few seconds to fire off a message to somebody. Someone who cares deeply would make the time for you. He is playing games and are we all not just a bit old now for that nonsense? Isn’t that what teenagers get up to? Who has the time or headspace for rubbish like that as an adult.

By all means try to contact him again, but I think you would be best off focusing your lovely energy on someone who will treat you as well as this guy did, but ALL the time.

 

[AutumnSpring]

I do it at work a lot. Click reply when an email annoys me. Always delete the recipient. Type what I want to say. Save it in drafts, read through the next day and delete

It's very cathartic thrashing out an email saying exactly what you want. Just don't send

Not the same but my close team and I (3 females) always write peoples names down when they’ve annoyed us and then we go and shred them at the end of the day it’s strangely satisfying

 

[theghosttown]

I am so sorry to say this as the feeling is awful but I think he’s probably met someone else. Either that or he is having a change of heart. My best friend who is an amazing, beautiful, smart, woman is treated like this quite regularly by men. It’s becoming so much more frequent as I believe dating apps make the ‘girlfriend experience’ so accessible without the commitment. It’s just absolutely mind blowing so see it happen to her but what you are saying sounds so similar to what she goes through.
My advice is to call him up and ask him outright why he’s been so quiet. If he turns it onto you then you know you’re dealing with nothing but a fuck boy. If he can reasonably explain his radio silence and takes on board what you’re saying then you’ll know he’s perhaps more legit than most of us might have thought x

 

[Londoncailín]

Hey tattlers, thanks again for all your well wishes!

I decided to go with number three so I haven’t contacted him and removed him. Thought the best way was to just play cool and look completely unbothered so that’s what I’ve done. I’m okay, I’m not going to cry over him, it’s so not worth it. More than anything it just makes you feel so embarrassed because like I’ve already said, now I need to explain to my family and friends, when I just told them about him

At this point I’m just frustrated in general with men and dating. I hate to generalise but from this thread it appears so many men act this way (or worse) and I’m just left wondering how many more times will I be screwed over? Part of me wants to give up with dating apps but then I’d have no way of meeting guys, even more so now with covid, but even if covid wasn’t a factor it would still be hard for me to meet guys (I also work in a very female dominated environment). I’m kinda losing hope that guys won’t always be assholes.

As well guys are just so hard to read and they change their minds in the blink of an eye. Like in this instance, I think he just got spooked by how intense things were getting and maybe thought he wanted something more casual instead, which is mega frustrating because HE was the one to make it so intense. I imagine this happens with many guys, they are all in then suddenly get cold feet but.. why? Don’t go in so intense if it’s going to freak you out! Haha it’s really not that hard.

Should we as women be more assertive about what we expect? But then I feel like most guys would think you were a bit ‘crazy’ (yep their favourite word) and back off straight away. But then you think we’ll that guy really wasn’t worth the time then but ughhh they are just impossible

But yeah maybe we should get a dating advice thread? Where we can share stories and advice (If there isn’t already one?) because it appears so many of us go through this stuff and I really enjoyed this girl chat with you all

You’re worth a million of him. Or any man, for that matter. Never compromise on your self-worth. I’m so pleased you went for option 3.

 

[BettyCrocker]

It’s all very dodgy.

OP yoy

Yes the not knowing is the worst. If he has changed his mind I get that he probably is scared to say but honestly keeping me hanging on is so much worse.

I just don’t understand guys . How can you make such a drastic u turn when you say you are falling for someone? Doesn’t make sense to me.

I don’t want to keep pestering him. I’d feel crazy if I called him. I think guys are quick to label a woman ‘crazy’ if she is texting and calling too much even when we are well within our rights to, otherwise we’d never get an answer!

Thanks though, I appreciate you taking the time to read that long story

I think that he’s been using you for the last few months for sex/company/whatever and doing& saying things that he knows would keep you interested. He’s now likely moved on to doing the same with someone else. Some guys (and women I imagine) just enjoy doing this kind of fucked up shit. You sound like you’ve not had much luck in relationships before and it sort of seems that you’ve fallen for the fantasy that this guy has offered. It just all far too much too soon. If you try to contact him now/ask what’s going on I can tell you he will either carry on ignoring you or whatever he’s doing now or he will come out with some sob story about how he’s so sorry and he’s just so busy and oh, I’m free on Friday night, come over - so you’ll go over, you sleep with him, you think everything is hunky dory again and then this exact same thing will happen again.

If someone genuinely wants to speak to you/see you/be with you then they would be. He wouldn’t be taking a day to respond to messages and hiding his WhatsApp activity.

 

[Ohflogoff]

I don’t want to be that person...

but what if you did go with option 3 and he contacted you another way and said something had happened with a friend or family member kinda thing? Like I said before, not all guys are assholes.

99% of the other posts disagree with me completely however personally I’d like an explanation, even if it’s to say they don’t want to see me anymore.

Trouble is, it’s highly unlikely something had happened. If something had happened, there are ways and means to contact. “Something bad has happened. I’m really sorry”. Let’s you know the deal and let’s you know you’re thinking of them. If he was that into her, he would tell her the low down.

she will never get anymore info because this Fella is a coward. If he wanted to give some info, he would have. Fact

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I ignored someone like this recently. He text me after a week saying he thought I would have text him. Hmmm NO..

 

[Yoghurtpots]

I don’t want to be that person...

but what if you did go with option 3 and he contacted you another way and said something had happened with a friend or family member kinda thing? Like I said before, not all guys are assholes.

99% of the other posts disagree with me completely however personally I’d like an explanation, even if it’s to say they don’t want to see me anymore.

If he was falling for her, he would have chemicals in his body where he was craving her and he would want her to make him feel better if there had been a crisis or just in general. She would be the tonic to his gin. He has blatantly fucked her off because he is a horrible person! He probably did it to boost his ego. I am invested though and I do want an answer from him! I may rant in my notes only joking. Feel so sorry for OP she seems lovely!

 

[gee_beth]

@Sweetcorn you did the right thing! you honestly seem so lovely, you deserve someone 1000% times better than him! I kept going back to a guy that would ghost me and block my number then randomly text me for almost a year and it was so draining! Never worth it

 

[The Devils Arse]

Option 3 for sure.

Take control of the situation, don't let him dictate it. Delete. Block on everything.
Get yourself some nice food in and maybe some wine if you drink, have a bath and look after yourself.

Set yourself x amount of time to be upset, and wallow and cry. Indulge yourself, and then once the allotted time is up dry those tears and take a deep breath. put it down to a bad experience and forget about him.

He is the loser here, not you. You've had a lucky escape.

And don't be embarrassed about your family knowing. You don't have to go into details. Just that he is a twat and that's it.
X

 

[Say What]

Girl chat needed!! Sorry this is so long haha. I’ve given in-depth detail, it looks obsessive but I’ve just done it to give you a clear picture because my mind is just all over the place.

I’ve just started seeing this guy. We met on a dating app. Both 25. He’s not your stereotypical fk boy or anything. He’s not a pretty boy either. He’s intelligent, has a very good job (works in medicine discovery), close family, he’s a bit nerdy but I like that etc.

Things had been going really well. We’ve been dating for just over 2 months (he lives alone so we bubbled - our first few dates were walks with my dog in the park. Also I’m in Scotland so we aren’t in a major lockdown... yet) which doesn’t seem long but we’ve already spent a lot of time together. We feel very close already, we’ve both told our families about each other but haven’t met yet (obviously). When we spend time together he always asks me to stay over etc which is nice to feel like he wants me around (previously I’ve always felt guys can’t wait for you to leave lol). He treats me like a princess and I’ve never had someone treat me so well before. He compliments me, is very affectionate etc. Probably even more than me! Which I am not used to, I always feel like I’m the one giving more if that makes sense. So this has been such a wonderful experience to feel so wanted. He’s said multiple times about how he can’t wait for future things with me like going on holiday etc. When I have to leave his he usually asks me to stay ‘just a bit longer’ and then he’ll make jokes about me ‘just moving in’. I know it’s way too soon for that but it’s nice to know that the idea may be there for the future. Like I said, it’s just nice to feel like he really wants me around. He also said for me to just leave things at his place to save me bringing them every time, so I did (the stuff is still there, nothing major). He surprised me with lovely bath bombs from lush, he said he got them because we were talking about how much I love baths. The first few times I stayed over at his I woke up with a really sore back because the pillows were too flat so when we were at IKEA he said that he wanted me to pick a new pillow one for his house. He also had a small box on a shelf in his place, he moved it and was kinda giggly and said I couldn’t see in it. We were just joking around so I was begging him to show me. It was a box of things from our dates and time together, receipts, tickets, just random stuff. I thought this was so sweet. He said he was keeping it all because maybe he would make me something for Christmas. The weekend before last, he said he was falling for me, I said the same. I’ve never had someone say this to me OR said it to someone else.

For the most part when we are not together we text sporadically throughout the day, not constantly just a few times then we usually chat more in the evenings (after work) about our day etc. This is how it’s been the whole time.

So basically it was all going so well and I was feeling so optimistic.

Rewind to: the beginning of last week -
We weren’t due to see each other until possibly Thursday/Friday so we were face timing in the evenings. This was all fine, we’d chat for a few hours in the evening then go to bed.

Tuesday (last week) -
We had a sort of weird conversation via FaceTime. He was saying that earlier that day he was ‘stressing’ a little about doing things that I wouldn’t like, then keeping them from me, as that would make him feel really bad. I was so confused about what on earth he meant! He said he wished he met me first, before he dated anyone else (this was the first time I’d heard of him dating anyone else). I asked him why he felt this way, was is because he had to now tell them that he was not interested? (which I know can be a difficult thing to do). He said he had already stopped seeing them. BUT he went on to say that it made him feel bad, like he was lying to me and that he doesn’t want to stress about those things. I told him I understood and what mattered most to me was how we proceeded from that point, not what happened in the early days. He then went on to say that IF he ever HAPPENED to go on a dating app when we were together, that is wouldn’t mean anything and sometimes he just gets bored. I don’t agree with this but it’s hard to explain over FaceTime. The point of a dating app is to swipe on who you are attracted to in the hopes that a conversation begins and that leads somewhere, so I don’t agree with doing it when in a relationship. There must be some motive there. Basically I was very confused. I think he wasn’t explaining himself properly. He gets very flustered and muddled up and I try to calm him and tell him to just be straight but he still gets worked up. He told me he’s suffered with anxiety for most of his life and that he’s still takes medication to help. I get that, I have anxiety as well but maybe is different ways to him. I think perhaps he meant that he had been on those apps when we were dating and now feels really bad because his anxiety was making him worry. So he then ended the conversation saying ‘I’ve already told you I’m falling for you and I am. I really want us to be exclusive but want to ask the right way (ie not over FT) but I just want you’. So from that conversation I was very confused but then kind of reassured but still confused...

Wednesday (last week) -
He told me that he was very busy with a report for work that was due at the beginning of this week. He had already mentioned this to me earlier that week so I was aware that he had been working on it. He said that as it was his first report, he was really struggling and that it was taking much longer that he anticipated. This meant that he was going to spend the whole weekend doing the report and therefore couldn’t see me Thursday/Friday. He was very apologetic and said that if he was finished by Sunday, we could spend the day together. If not, he said he’d be able to see me the beginning of this week. I was understanding and told him not to worry about it, work is obviously very important.

Thursday onwards -
He started texting me way less. I always try to not read too much into these things because, it’s only texting!! But if you remember how I said we’d text somewhat regularly and now that suddenly stopped you can just feel that something is off (I’m sure you all know what I mean). I told myself that he was busy, I gave him space to work and I didn’t pester him. Texting went like this:
- He text me Thursday night, I replied later that evening
- He didn’t reply till Friday night, I replied later
- He didn’t reply till Saturday night, I replied later
- He didn’t reply till Sunday night, I replied later

Our conversations were varied and felt normal (even though they were once a day). He told me about his report and how long it was taking, he’d wish me a good sleep or that I had a good day, at one point he said he wished I was there to snuggle him. So the things he was texting me were normal. On Saturday I said I was sorry he had had such a crappy week and weekend. He came back (on Sunday) saying ‘No I’m sorry, for being so shit, I’ve just got so much work still to do’. So I thought, ‘okay he’s really busy’. I didn’t push him to make arrangements with me for the week because I was trying to just give him space and time to do his work. I replied to his message on Sunday night.

We haven’t spoken since. I know it’s only three days but radio silence all of a sudden is just strange! His last seen on WhatsApp was Sunday at 6:00pm ish (until last night). So he didn’t even come online for days, which again is very strange. I know he communicates with other people via WhatsApp so that’s very strange and just made me feel like maybe he was avoiding me?

He came online last night at around 6ish but he hasn’t even read my message let alone reply. My head starts to go a bit crazy when things like this happen because I start worrying that something is really wrong. When he hadn’t been online in 2 days I genuinely thought ‘well something really bad could have happened to him and I’d have no way of knowing!’

I always feel like a ‘crazy woman’ when I start looking at ‘last seen’ etc and I feel like guys make us out to be crazy for looking at those things but that’s because they suddenly start acting SO WEIRD. It’s not crazy. I find it weirder that he suddenly wasn’t ever online. That’s crazy. Or the fact that when he finally did come on, he didn’t read my message and reply when we were pretty much in a relationship. It’s so out of character. So like I said, I started to worry that something was maybe wrong so I sent a simple ‘I hope you are okay?’ I sent this last night at around 8pm but he’s still not been back online...

I’m just so confused. He’s fallen off the face of the earth. Part of me is thinking ‘is he ghosting me???’ But literally the last time we actually spoke (and not via text) he was saying he was falling for me, wanted to be exclusive etc so what the hell?!?

I don’t really have a question, I just wanted to vent. I feel a fool. I told my family about him, something he encouraged me to do! (and I’ve never told my family about a guy before!!!!). So now they keep asking about him and I just mumble something because I’m embarrassed, I don’t know what to say. I also told my friends just last week!! So if I come back not even a week later saying this I’ll just look so stupid.

Part of me thinks he wouldn’t be ghosting me because why would he have said all that stuff, that he was falling for me, encouraging me to tell my family, having keepsakes from out dates, asking me to keep things at his etc. WHY would he do all that if his intentions weren’t serious. I know sometimes guys just say things but that’s all taking it a bit too far. He has my stuff at his house! Surely that would just make things really complicated so why ask me to leave things if he was going to ghost me?

What are your thoughts?

For a second I thought, maybe he had the virus and feels bad and doesn’t know how to tell me? I hadn’t seen him in person since the 31st so perhaps he caught it after or... I honestly don’t know. I’m not sure why he wouldn’t tell me though, we could wait a few weeks it wouldn’t be a big deal. As you can see, my mind is just wandering to every possibility. I’m so confused.

I have been here myself. At the start, he was so attentive, affectionate, complimentary and loving. I literally was so overwhelmed because I’d never had that before and he wanted the commitment. Then suddenly it all changed- less texts, no calls, minimal conversation, not meeting up for weeks/months, no intimacy yet when I challenged him he would tell me that he loves me, wants me in his life but would make excuses about commitment. He used to get very angry when I would make comments about him seeing and talking to others. I never got any proof he was playing away but I know he was ghosting me and it was absolutely heartbreaking. The worst part about it is you never find out why they’re doing it so you can’t even process the situation which is just plain cruel. I would say give him an ultimatum but if he’s like my ghoster, you won’t get a straight answer so my advice would be either stick with him if you want him or end the relationship which is what I had to do because it was destroying my self esteem and confidence. I feel for you, it’s a horrible experience because someone gives you so much love and promises nice things and then for no reason, it all gets ripped away. Look after yourself, us Tattlers are always here.

It sounds odd. I would also message and ask him to be honest and say that you don’t want to be messed about. If he has changed his mind on his feelings, fine - as long as you know that you can move on.

Even if he is really busy, it’s not fair to check WhatsApp but leave your message unread. It’s rude. So personally, I wouldn’t tolerate that.

It’s my absolute pet hate when people blatantly ignore your messages. It’s so rude especially to the person you’re dating/seeing/whatever and it provokes anxiety and insecurity because we will automatically question why and who they’re talking to instead.

Love bombing is when they are pretty much obsessed with you, it moves at 100mph, they want to be serious from the word go etc etc and then they take it all away from you as soon as they get you where they want you. It’s manipulation and a form of abuse.

He’s already buttered you up and then thrown in that he will still use dating sites and messed around when he’s free to see you and you seemed to accept it. He was testing how far he can push you imo.

Holy shit I wish I’d known about love bombing because frankly I think my ex love bombed me rather than ghosted me. I don’t understand how people can treat others like this and think it’s ok

 

[Rainbow1]

Definitely option 3- I’ve tried other options and men really aren’t interested in sassy replies, to them it definitely comes off as clingy and obsessive

Been in your position so many times myself and it’s awful so sorry!

Was seeing a guy last year who gradually started texting less after being so full on, I felt like you, felt silly because friends/family were asking about him when I hadn’t heard so was lying on his behalf so I didn’t feel stupid Then I started to make excuses for his behaviour (e.g well you know he does have a lot on at work he’s really tired not to text) even though my gut was telling me something was off !

Just to reiterate what others have said when you meet someone for you there really won’t be any second guessing you’ll know where you stand!

 

[JD-Morgan]

I don’t want to be that person...

but what if you did go with option 3 and he contacted you another way and said something had happened with a friend or family member kinda thing? Like I said before, not all guys are assholes.

99% of the other posts disagree with me completely however personally I’d like an explanation, even if it’s to say they don’t want to see me anymore.