Am I being ghosted? (New relationship)

[Bae56]

Hey tattlers, thanks again for all your well wishes!

I decided to go with number three so I haven’t contacted him and removed him. Thought the best way was to just play cool and look completely unbothered so that’s what I’ve done. I’m okay, I’m not going to cry over him, it’s so not worth it. More than anything it just makes you feel so embarrassed because like I’ve already said, now I need to explain to my family and friends, when I just told them about him

At this point I’m just frustrated in general with men and dating. I hate to generalise but from this thread it appears so many men act this way (or worse) and I’m just left wondering how many more times will I be screwed over? Part of me wants to give up with dating apps but then I’d have no way of meeting guys, even more so now with covid, but even if covid wasn’t a factor it would still be hard for me to meet guys (I also work in a very female dominated environment). I’m kinda losing hope that guys won’t always be assholes.

As well guys are just so hard to read and they change their minds in the blink of an eye. Like in this instance, I think he just got spooked by how intense things were getting and maybe thought he wanted something more casual instead, which is mega frustrating because HE was the one to make it so intense. I imagine this happens with many guys, they are all in then suddenly get cold feet but.. why? Don’t go in so intense if it’s going to freak you out! Haha it’s really not that hard.

Should we as women be more assertive about what we expect? But then I feel like most guys would think you were a bit ‘crazy’ (yep their favourite word) and back off straight away. But then you think we’ll that guy really wasn’t worth the time then but ughhh they are just impossible

But yeah maybe we should get a dating advice thread? Where we can share stories and advice (If there isn’t already one?) because it appears so many of us go through this stuff and I really enjoyed this girl chat with you all

Good for you! You've made the right call. You've nothing to be embarrassed about most of us have had the wool pulled over our eyes to some degree. Speaking for myself, my advice to ignore him has come from my own mistake. Once the wools off it's easier to spot this kind of behaviour in the future & you won't tolerate it.
When you meet the right one, there won't be any games or backing off. He'll have his sights set on being with you.

I'm trying not to generalise either but I know a few men who use dating apps & their egos inflated because they're in touch with so many women. Half of the women wouldn't entertain them if they met in a conventional sense. It's smoke and mirrors.

It's good to be assertive with yourself about what you want in a potential partner. I think it's better to keep your cards closer to your chest until you know you can trust someone. If someone comes on strong from the get go, take it with a pinch of salt.

Don't let it put you off. It's a twisty road of frogs until you meet your prince with the odd goblin trying to grab your attention on the way

 

[theghosttown]

Blimey. Your poor mum. What is wrong with some of these men?

It’s really shitty because my mum is usually so so chilled and laid back. She always was the one giving me the best advice like don’t reply etc. Now I’m giving here advice! She’s currently at the stage where she’s debating whether to text him something shitty. Classic love bombing and all of a sudden going super cold and distant.

 

[HitchhikingGhost]

I couldn't read and not leave a comment. I hope you are okay, it's horrible when these things mess with your head. I too have experienced things where it goes well and mostly being shown/initiated by him but then a u turn happens. So frustrating

 

[Yoghurtpots]

Ok, I'm guessing that OP has received a message/phone call from him and all is now good and that is why we haven't got an update..
Its a good job I'm married, I would be rubbish at dating! Really good tip about the notes thing but I prefer to let people know how I feel! I feel like not sending it defeats the purpose of me writing it and trying to get a resolution. Maybe its a good tip for non confrontation people? Or maybe I should try it?!

 

[Bae56]

It's no wonder you're confused. Dating can be nerve wracking when you like someone. You were given every signal that this was heading somewhere, now this?
I've found that those who go in fast the way he has can come out of it fast too.
His most recent behaviour hasn't matched the person you knew.

You could get in touch and tell him you'd appreciate if he was honest with you because there's been some distance & hopefully he would be. Or you could try and forget about him, if he comes back to you then he needs to be honest. It's not really fair. You don't deserve to be left dangling, you also deserve to have someone who doesn't do this kind of thing.
I hope it all works out for you

 

[Lola UK]

The sudden lack of messaging is definitely strange. We all know that it doesn’t take long to message someone on WhatsApp, he could have easily text to say if he was busy, or ask how you are! It doesn’t take a lot. Sometimes in dating, no answer is THE answer!

if it was me I would message him and ask why he has been distant, as this is very unusual and ask him to be honest.

this ISNT you acting like a ‘crazy girl’. You’ve given him enough time and grace if he was busy with work IMO.

Edit to say I’ve been there, and it’s horrible! I hope he responds to you and let’s you know either way!

 

[Hinchhater1442]

Yeah they absolutely do use it as a weapon. I mean he never has or anything but I’ve seen it happen so many times.

Yeah I think if anything, he’s maybe been overthinking it all a bit too much and scared himself. Which is annoying because he was the one being more full on that me? . But I do know he genuinely had the report to do, he mentioned it a few weeks ago, and that it was a big stress for him.

Thanks for the thoughtful response X

That’s part of it! They’re super full on. Probably talk about future holidays etc too? Making you see a future?
I was legit when I said it’s like they MAKE you fall for them. Then practically pull the world out from under your feet

 

[judgejohndeed]

That's not leaving it. That's allowing the door to remain open for him to come back whenever it suits him with an explanation, that you would then listen to! No! Not okay that he gets a part in the narrative at this stage. Not okay that he retains the power to restart communication when he feels like it.
Doing it this way also means it's always in the back of your mind and a part of you is waiting for his explanation. You're causing yourself more pain that way.
If you decide to leave it, then delete him everywhere and actually move on.

Really agree with this. One of two things will happen here. First, he will never speak to OP again. Second, he will come crawling back with some useless excuse, you get hooked back in, but then he'll do this again not long after. If you really mean it that you are done with him you cannot leave that avenue of communication open because the only reason he will bother speaking again is if he's trying to worm his way back out of it and if you say you're going to read it you risk getting pulled back in.

I just hate that he’s getting off easy when he’s the one that made all this mess.

This used to get me so so much. I had an ex where it went on several years like this, on and off ignoring. If you try to hold them to account they just say you're crazy. I even started to believe it. The best and most dignified response is silence, genuinely. Don't give him the satisfaction.

 

[Bleurghgram]

Ask him. If he calls you crazy or a psycho, that’s your answer. Someone who truly cares about you will try to understand why you’re feeling the way you are and will never tell you your feelings aren’t valid.

It sounds as if you have things at his house still that you’d possibly like back?! He might genuinely be busy, it happens! Try not to overthink it - easier said than done, I know.

No matter how much you try to explain, no one here knows him but you so we can’t really judge whether he’s playing you or not. Trust your gut, it’s nearly always right.

 

[Chablis1]

Do option 3, never contact him again.

But if you feel like you need to get all your emotions out on paper, write a letter or email - your sassy text. Just don’t send it

Hope you’re okay xx

This is the advice I gave my daughter when some cunt was messing her about. It worked. She got it out of her system without actually contacting him. xx

 

[Bleurghgram]

I suppose it depends how hot headed you are? For me it works because I lose it in the moment and make the situation worse by saying things I don’t really mean. My crazy notes give me time to calm down and reflect on whether I should really be threatening to cut his balls off.

 

[Gossiper24]

Saw this thread and couldn’t not reply! As many others have said it sounds like he has changed his mind or someone else has caught his eye unfortunately in these situations if something feels off it usually is. It’s really really shit and I don’t get why guys do this, it’s so confusing how they can just change their minds! I’ve had a similar situation where he seemed super interested for a while, we were talking all the time and meeting up regularly, and then I could just tell something changed, he was messaging less and wasn’t as keen to meet etc. I eventually just asked him and he admitted he wanted to stay single. It was a relief to just find out as the not knowing and thinking constantly about how long he was taking to reply and what it all meant was so horrible! I think you should just contact him and ask how he feels and if he’s changed his mind, and as others have said if he doesn’t reply there’s your answer. Feels grim but at least you will know and can draw a line under it! Stay strong and look after yourself. You deserve so much more than his bs!

 

[Pizzledizzle]

I feel for you, I really do. The lovebombing is one of the worst of the psychological games in my opinion, it’s damn cruel. I know it’s hard to hear but I would stop chasing him. If he makes the effort again, you can maybe address things but don’t give him the opportunity to hurt you further.

Really hope you’re okay @Sweetcorn

 

[Caramel Latte]

I had a v similar situation where the guy changed his treatment 180 degrees after 1 month of texting and after we met and he kept asking me when we would meet again. I kept questioning everything i did/said to him and kept reading his msgs, trying to understand what's the problem. Since he was a coward and wouldn't say it directly, i stopped texting him and just concluded that he found we were incompatible but is a coward to end it like civilised people.

In your case, and I'm not an expert, I think he might be having 2nd thoughts. Maybe in the facetime call u mentioned he was waiting for you to end things?
Although i still don't understand why guys can't just be honest while still respectful!
If you really care about this relationship then you might wanna call him and find out what's the problem. Otherwise you might want to forget about him too.

 

[Raininvain]

I'd go with Option 3 and block off all platforms, I wouldn't want to listen to his bullshit. Also he wont have anything on his conscience, he wont be bothered or wondering about how you feel. He wont be giving you a second thought. I wouldn't be sending him any messages about anything, he'll just think you are desperate.
Honestly you'll be over it in a few days.x

 

[Melier]

I’ve noticed a lot of different advice here, I was single and dating people from apps for a few years I feel like I’ve had every encounter possible. My advice to you is don’t be scared to do something in fear of being labeled ‘crazy’ or a ‘psycho’ I feel men use that as weapon for us to back off.
He sounds like a genuine person from how you said things were going before so maybe this report has had an effect on his Mental Health if he started telling you about being on medication. It also sounds as if something from his past may have popped up, maybe an ex texting or something.
You have nothing to lose in this situation so if I were you I’d just text him or phone him and ask him straight out what’s happening. You’ve been staying over and I assume sleeping with him so he should have enough respect to be truthful about the situation. If he freaks out and calls you crazy then I think that’s an excuse and he has been trying to ghost you so it’s his loss anyway better finding out now than further down the line. If it is totally innocent and he is the person you thought he was he’ll be fine with you asking a simple question and probably even feel bad for upsetting you and giving you doubts about the relationship.

100% agree with all of this! If this is someone you saw yourself being in a relationship with then you have nothing to lose from messaging him. If he doesn’t reply or gets annoyed then he isn’t the type of person you’d want to be with in the first place xx

 

[laughing]

I think he is playing you.

Block and move on x

 

[toffeejelly]

No good can come of this situation! I'd also leave it.

I've been there myself, it's horrible, upsetting, and nobody deserves it.

Delete and block...if you don't you leave yourself open to him "checking in" ... somehow these people seem to sense when you're happy and want to come in and shit all over it. Again, I speak from experience!

When you meet the right person there will be none of this nonsense, I promise. x

Completely agree with this. The ex that did it to me, started snapchatting me again not too long ago trying to strike up a conversation as he'd obviously been told that I'd moved on. Idiot.

 

[User_name_100]

To add to the fire he texted the other night saying we should sleep together 1 last time for closure!????? Like no no.. just no no boy.

The cheek these men have... Absolute disgrace he is.

 

[Hinchhater1442]

A few folk have said the FT was him trying to back off but he ended it saying that he wasn’t explaining himself properly and that he was falling for me and wanted us to be exclusive. Maybe it was him trying to back off but to end it like that doesn’t make sense, that’s getting even deeper into it x

Sadly it’s usually part of the act. I had the same thing happen to me, he actually texted to ask if we could ‘slow things down a little’ I called him to actually speak about it and he was very nice about it, told me how much he liked me and still wanted to continue things, just that he felt we’d got serious fairly quick (about 6 weeks- so not much different to your situation). Anyway, I left that phone convo actually feeling better about our situation, but our texts became less frequent to the point I barely got 1 text a day. I’d try and play him at his own game by waiting longer to reply to his texts to see how he liked it. But in truth it didn’t bother him as his mind was elsewhere. He wasn’t constantly checking his phone like I was waiting for a reply.
In the end I actually dropped his stuff over at his mums house(about a month after that initial phone call)- if I hadn’t have done this, ended it if you like, god knows how long the situation would have gone on for. Finally after that he text me something along the lines of wishing me the best, no hard feelings, blah blah blah. So there was no official break up, final conversation, nothing like that. I think that original night he text me he was actually trying to end it but was too cowardly, and when faced with my phone call didn’t have the guts to tell me how it was. I had to be the adult, despite being 3 years younger, and ‘end it’ by giving his stuff back. Actions speak louder than words and all that.

I know I can’t say our situations are exactly the same. But these are major red flags. If they weren’t you wouldn’t be here telling us all your situation. I know right now you don’t want to believe it could be anything sinister, because up until now he’s said and done the right things which are probably stuck in your mind and you keep coming back to, but when you REALLY like someone you do find two minutes in your day to send them a few text messages. Realistically you want to spend every minute of your day with them in the ‘honeymoon period’- and yes we’re adults and work gets in the way. But I work a very demanding job working 12 hour days and still find the time if I WANT to

hopefully it works out for you X