Alfie Deyes #9 The lights are always on, but nobodys home

[Handwash30]

What an astute businessman! How clever of him to recognise that gap in the market for...er... plain brown leather key rings. I’ve actually needed a plain brown leather key ring all my life, so this is just ideal really.

Back off fellow fans, it’s a SHUPER LIMITID DWOP and I want to make sure I get mine

 

[Horatio]

Yeah a key ring is really the dictionary definition of a pointless product isn’t it ? I collected them as a child because it was the nineties and there was nothing good on the Internet yet....selling them now just reeks of a bland YouTuber with no unique selling point who has run out of other crap to sell what’s left of their impressionable audience . (Mouthful).

 

[Handwash30]

What the fucks next?

Fridge magnets?
Bouncy balls?
A shoehorn?

 

[Louise123]

Yeah a key ring is really the dictionary definition of a pointless product isn’t it ? I collected them as a child because it was the nineties and there was nothing good on the Internet yet....selling them now just reeks of a bland YouTuber with no unique selling point who has run out of other crap to sell what’s left of their impressionable audience . (Mouthful).

Soon He’ll be tie dyeing his own tit for a SHUPER LIMITID DWOP

 

[Horatio]

What the fucks next?

Fridge magnets?
Bouncy balls?
A shoehorn?

A shoehorn is genius (maybe an accompanying ear trumpet? )

 

[LisaCol]

Hahaha I can't

In Zoe's new video they were talking about how in winter time there is gonna be a surge in babies being born as loads of people are stuck indoors now and Alfie says and I can't quite believe it:

"I didn't realize until the other day if you have sex once you get pregnant, you have sex again you get pregnant again. YOU HAVE TWO BABIES IN THERE"

What??? JUST WHAT

what??? I'm officially worried about him now. Someone missed all the Sex Ed lessons at school!

 

[Wowwwwwwwww]

Imagine still acting like it’s not merch when it’s so painfully, in your face, obviously merch.

AND, I hate the way he talks. So much.

 

[Calabria]

Those keyrings hes dropping arnt exactly for his female minions he could have made them black. I mean who wants a naff dad brown leather keyring?

It’s the Jeremy Clarkson of keyrings.

 

[coconochanel]

Those keyrings are the naffest thing Ive seen in a long time. His fans are 12yrs old why would they want to buy that and esp bloody brown! Oh well I suppose he can give his dad one of the ones he doesnt sell.

 

[Handwash30]

That’s the real reason they’re all handmade to order. He’s been advised no fucker will buy them er, the demand difficult to predict, so don’t spend a fortune on stock they probably won’t shift.

Of course Alfie frames this as them being some sort of intricate artisan craft. They’re a generic design rather than being customisable, so it’s a bleep of a situation to have to wait weeks for it to come once you order.

Since I think a lot of us are more seasoned YouTube viewers on here.. anyone remember Elle and Blair’s famous glitzy glam key rings? I’d honestly sooner buy one of those tbqh

 

[LisaCol]

I like how his decision not to sell merchandise because it 'didn't feel right at these times' lasted all of about a week.

Incase you hadn't noticed Alfie, we're still in a lockdown, the situation hasn't got any better - in fact for most people it's getting worse. Just because you have the attention span of a gnat and this pesky coronavirus is 'old news' for you now, doesn't actually make it any more appropriate for you to be flogging your overpriced merchandise...

Weird that what he wants her to wear doesnt suit her AT ALL and does nothing for her. Where as the clothes she used to wear that she chose looked really nice.

Their relationship starting to sound a bit toxic to me. He wants to choose what she wears, doesn't see her friends or family (apart from Joe), just his. Not healthy imo. So she can't leave him as really there is only Mark to go to (if that is a real friendship?)

 

[LisaCol]

What?! Does Alfie 'genius' Deyes think he's discovered onion??

And who else is obsessed with onion? Anastasia Kingsnorth. She looks like a young version of Zoe, maybe he is trying to get her attention! She does get way more views than Zoe now.

 

[Handwash30]

A woolly hat on in July. Anyway

So his machooor Q&A. Keep it machoor guys. 75% of those questions are going to make his dummy fly out like a rocket, as they’ll be about marriage and babies. Will he ignore them, or will he kick off in his video about how inappropriate it is to ask about his future. Despite the fact he literally makes his living from selling his life online and invites his fans to ask questions, but is appalled by the cheek of his fans wanting to know something actually interesting to them.

Tbh I think he’s a bit jealous of Zoe and it hits a nerve that she’s still the most interesting thing about him after all this time. People don’t care about Alfie Deyes as an individual. People are interested in Zoe fulfilling her dream of being a wife/mother.

I find it fully hilarious how it’s only this past week he’s realised he’s an adult as well. I’m more machooor now, he says, as he sits there with more lines round his eyes than a tube map.

 

[Little_182]

Those keyrings are the naffest thing Ive seen in a long time. His fans are 12yrs old why would they want to buy that and esp bloody brown! Oh well I suppose he can give his dad one of the ones he doesnt sell.

I think he’s going after the Tory Dad Rah-Rah-Rah demographic. Those keychains would look great with a gilet and tweed jacket. #notatory

 

[coconochanel]

A woolly hat on in July. Anyway

So his machooor Q&A. Keep it machoor guys. 75% of those questions are going to make his dummy fly out like a rocket, as they’ll be about marriage and babies. Will he ignore them, or will he kick off in his video about how inappropriate it is to ask about his future. Despite the fact he literally makes his living from selling his life online and invites his fans to ask questions, but is appalled by the cheek of his fans wanting to know something actually interesting to them.

Tbh I think he’s a bit jealous of Zoe and it hits a nerve that she’s still the most interesting thing about him after all this time. People don’t care about Alfie Deyes as an individual. People are interested in Zoe fulfilling her dream of being a wife/mother.

I find it fully hilarious how it’s only this past week he’s realised he’s an adult as well. I’m more machooor now, he says, as he sits there with more lines round his eyes than a tube map.

Hes not going to get machoor questions because his followers are 12yrs old. Someone ask what their fav sex position is, thats mature right?

 

[airwolf97]

Jaackmates videos on alfie are bleeping hysterical, if you want a good laugh I'd 100% recommend

 

[Chaddy]

Honeycomb on the Brie

 

[Wowwwwwwwww]

Why in the duck is everything this bell end does for his merch have to be limited edition? That’s why it’s merch through and through. It’ll never be a brand if it’s all limited edition, the bleeping seal bastard.

 

[Horatio]

Tbh I think he’s a bit jealous of Zoe and it hits a nerve that she’s still the most interesting thing about him after all this time. People don’t care about Alfie Deyes as an individual. People are interested in Zoe fulfilling her dream of being a wife/mother.

oh for sure he’s jealous and always has been. All these years together and he’s tried so many things: getting the best cameras right away, starting a podcast, ‘the year of content’, ‘adventures’ abroad, Casey neistat rip offs, something called ‘vlogumentary’ that wasn’t the actual vlogumentary but what it was never became clear, kayaking the Thames (some nights spent at home ), 30 day challenge ... etc etc all of this we “weren’t ready” for, but actually none of it transpired to anything at all. Meanwhile Zoe barely lifts a finger during the same time , but has other people organise various product launches making her richer and richer. Some controversies, but none that seem to radically impact her bank account. She stays rich as hell- and still retains more subscribers and interest than him. His money making ventures get progressively more desperate as we are up to the limited edition key rings of today. Zoe prepares to earn another few hundred thousand with a book written by someone else. Oh it must sting.

Why in the duck is everything this bell end does for his merch have to be limited edition? That’s why it’s merch through and through. It’ll never be a brand if it’s all limited edition, the bleeping seal bastard.

It’s like at the beginning of his ‘career’ someone told him he’d probably sell more PB T-shirt’s if he made them seem exclusive - or ‘limited’ somehow. And he’s blindly applied that to every product he’s released since like some magic formula for success.

 

[coconochanel]

How much are these dad keyrings anyone know?