Toddler advice thread

[Sailorontheseasea]

Need some advice for a nearly 4 year old that is pushing me to my limits. I’m not even sure I need advice, just a vent

He’s never ever been a “warm” child. Enjoys the odd cuddle here and there, isn’t the first to go and make friends, prefers his own company mainly but his worst trait is being totally cold towards his brother (2 going on 5) who is the polar opposite and loves a cuddle, loves being loved, always looks up to his older brother for help and for affection/fun but my 4yo just shouts at him or tells him to go away, doesn’t want to cuddle him; doesn’t actually want him anywhere near him and if it is it’s usually on his terms. This isn’t a recent thing and he’s been like it since he was born tbh! His most recent thing in the past couple of weeks is getting right up in my toddlers face and speaking to him quite aggressively through gritted teeth. We have never EVER done this to him and don’t know anyone who has or anything he could have seen to teach him this but it’s HORRIBLE. It makes my toddler feel so scared, either that or he just hits him as if to say back off and then a full on fight/scrap breaks out and I sometimes physically have to separate them. I’m trying my best to remain calm and remove my 2yo from the situation until 4yo is calm as I don’t believe that shouting etc helps but today he really hurt my 2yo over a toy that wasn’t even his and I just lost it and sent him to his room (we were upstairs anyway so not too far away) because I just can’t condone his, quite frankly, shocking and crappy behaviour. I feel like I’ve failed him as a parent somehow because he can be so utterly vile but I don’t know where it’s come from aghhhhhh.

Also saying no all the time, jumping up and down and screaming the house down when he doesn’t get his own way (this could be up to 30 mins+), throwing things, he’s even taking to hitting me which is so unusual for him. He’s always saying he can’t do things without even trying for a second and he gets beyond worked up when I ask him to try. So stressful! Please tell me it’s just the age? ADHD/ASD runs in my partners side of the family quite predominantly so I am aware of signs something else could be happening but my god my limits are being tested. His vocabulary and communication skills are better than the 6yo’s I work with so I’m just so frustrated that he results to outbursts/violence about every little thing when he can just use his words !!!!

If you’ve made it to the end then thank you, send donuts.

 

[WhatABore]

Need some advice for a nearly 4 year old that is pushing me to my limits. I’m not even sure I need advice, just a vent

He’s never ever been a “warm” child. Enjoys the odd cuddle here and there, isn’t the first to go and make friends, prefers his own company mainly but his worst trait is being totally cold towards his brother (2 going on 5) who is the polar opposite and loves a cuddle, loves being loved, always looks up to his older brother for help and for affection/fun but my 4yo just shouts at him or tells him to go away, doesn’t want to cuddle him; doesn’t actually want him anywhere near him and if it is it’s usually on his terms. This isn’t a recent thing and he’s been like it since he was born tbh! His most recent thing in the past couple of weeks is getting right up in my toddlers face and speaking to him quite aggressively through gritted teeth. We have never EVER done this to him and don’t know anyone who has or anything he could have seen to teach him this but it’s HORRIBLE. It makes my toddler feel so scared, either that or he just hits him as if to say back off and then a full on fight/scrap breaks out and I sometimes physically have to separate them. I’m trying my best to remain calm and remove my 2yo from the situation until 4yo is calm as I don’t believe that shouting etc helps but today he really hurt my 2yo over a toy that wasn’t even his and I just lost it and sent him to his room (we were upstairs anyway so not too far away) because I just can’t condone his, quite frankly, shocking and crappy behaviour. I feel like I’ve failed him as a parent somehow because he can be so utterly vile but I don’t know where it’s come from aghhhhhh.

Also saying no all the time, jumping up and down and screaming the house down when he doesn’t get his own way (this could be up to 30 mins+), throwing things, he’s even taking to hitting me which is so unusual for him. He’s always saying he can’t do things without even trying for a second and he gets beyond worked up when I ask him to try. So stressful! Please tell me it’s just the age? ADHD/ASD runs in my partners side of the family quite predominantly so I am aware of signs something else could be happening but my god my limits are being tested. His vocabulary and communication skills are better than the 6yo’s I work with so I’m just so frustrated that he results to outbursts/violence about every little thing when he can just use his words !!!!

If you’ve made it to the end then thank you, send donuts.

I have no advice on much any of it but I will say my 4yo is the exact same with saying she can't do things (even things she's done multiple times before) and then getting majorly upset/stressed when I ask her to try.

Sorry you're going through it! It must be extremely stressful!

If he's suddenly started acting like it, I'd say maybe it's having a new sibling? And he's acting out in a different way?

 

[Definitelyme]

Need some advice for a nearly 4 year old that is pushing me to my limits. I’m not even sure I need advice, just a vent

He’s never ever been a “warm” child. Enjoys the odd cuddle here and there, isn’t the first to go and make friends, prefers his own company mainly but his worst trait is being totally cold towards his brother (2 going on 5) who is the polar opposite and loves a cuddle, loves being loved, always looks up to his older brother for help and for affection/fun but my 4yo just shouts at him or tells him to go away, doesn’t want to cuddle him; doesn’t actually want him anywhere near him and if it is it’s usually on his terms. This isn’t a recent thing and he’s been like it since he was born tbh! His most recent thing in the past couple of weeks is getting right up in my toddlers face and speaking to him quite aggressively through gritted teeth. We have never EVER done this to him and don’t know anyone who has or anything he could have seen to teach him this but it’s HORRIBLE. It makes my toddler feel so scared, either that or he just hits him as if to say back off and then a full on fight/scrap breaks out and I sometimes physically have to separate them. I’m trying my best to remain calm and remove my 2yo from the situation until 4yo is calm as I don’t believe that shouting etc helps but today he really hurt my 2yo over a toy that wasn’t even his and I just lost it and sent him to his room (we were upstairs anyway so not too far away) because I just can’t condone his, quite frankly, shocking and crappy behaviour. I feel like I’ve failed him as a parent somehow because he can be so utterly vile but I don’t know where it’s come from aghhhhhh.

Also saying no all the time, jumping up and down and screaming the house down when he doesn’t get his own way (this could be up to 30 mins+), throwing things, he’s even taking to hitting me which is so unusual for him. He’s always saying he can’t do things without even trying for a second and he gets beyond worked up when I ask him to try. So stressful! Please tell me it’s just the age? ADHD/ASD runs in my partners side of the family quite predominantly so I am aware of signs something else could be happening but my god my limits are being tested. His vocabulary and communication skills are better than the 6yo’s I work with so I’m just so frustrated that he results to outbursts/violence about every little thing when he can just use his words !!!!

If you’ve made it to the end then thank you, send donuts.

I wonder if because he is so good at communicating it is sometimes easy to forget how little he really is? I think that happens a lot with children who are more advanced in speech, we forget that their emotions aren’t always as advanced and there seems to be a discrepancy in what we get from them.
It sounds really rough for you and 2yo. Some of the things you’ve described sound familiar (my 6yo and 9yo both do the gritted teeth thing at times )

Could you work with both of them on giving space to the other, maybe making sure they both have a safe space just for them (I know you’re thinking of changing the room situation, but maybe even somewhere downstairs?) I can understand to an extent why 4yo gets cross and lashes out if 2yo is getting too up close and personal for his liking. He obviously likes his space, and trying to work with 2yo on giving 4yo that space may help. But similarly working with 4yo on the same, not invading 2yo space even when He is very cross.

As @WhatABore says maybe it’s all a reaction to the change in dynamic of the family. I’ve found that the reaction often comes a few months after baby arrives, once they are starting to become a bit more alert and awake, and less of a newborn.

Just hold firm on your boundaries. You have masses of experience with little ones, and you know how to get through this

 

[pinksunsetx91]

Need some advice for a nearly 4 year old that is pushing me to my limits. I’m not even sure I need advice, just a vent

He’s never ever been a “warm” child. Enjoys the odd cuddle here and there, isn’t the first to go and make friends, prefers his own company mainly but his worst trait is being totally cold towards his brother (2 going on 5) who is the polar opposite and loves a cuddle, loves being loved, always looks up to his older brother for help and for affection/fun but my 4yo just shouts at him or tells him to go away, doesn’t want to cuddle him; doesn’t actually want him anywhere near him and if it is it’s usually on his terms. This isn’t a recent thing and he’s been like it since he was born tbh! His most recent thing in the past couple of weeks is getting right up in my toddlers face and speaking to him quite aggressively through gritted teeth. We have never EVER done this to him and don’t know anyone who has or anything he could have seen to teach him this but it’s HORRIBLE. It makes my toddler feel so scared, either that or he just hits him as if to say back off and then a full on fight/scrap breaks out and I sometimes physically have to separate them. I’m trying my best to remain calm and remove my 2yo from the situation until 4yo is calm as I don’t believe that shouting etc helps but today he really hurt my 2yo over a toy that wasn’t even his and I just lost it and sent him to his room (we were upstairs anyway so not too far away) because I just can’t condone his, quite frankly, shocking and crappy behaviour. I feel like I’ve failed him as a parent somehow because he can be so utterly vile but I don’t know where it’s come from aghhhhhh.

Also saying no all the time, jumping up and down and screaming the house down when he doesn’t get his own way (this could be up to 30 mins+), throwing things, he’s even taking to hitting me which is so unusual for him. He’s always saying he can’t do things without even trying for a second and he gets beyond worked up when I ask him to try. So stressful! Please tell me it’s just the age? ADHD/ASD runs in my partners side of the family quite predominantly so I am aware of signs something else could be happening but my god my limits are being tested. His vocabulary and communication skills are better than the 6yo’s I work with so I’m just so frustrated that he results to outbursts/violence about every little thing when he can just use his words !!!!

If you’ve made it to the end then thank you, send donuts.

No advice but just wanted to say my 2 year old has been thrown things recently when he’s angry/upset and screaming. I think sometimes our little ones genuinely don’t know how to handle these big emotions. I have been sitting down beside him to explain why we can’t do this and he knows now to give a cuddle to say sorry (he can’t say sorry properly yet). Sometimes it works better than others depending if he’s tired/hungry. Is it new behaviour since sibling arrived? You have lots of experience with little ones, you will get through this x

 

[quinzel]

We are really struggling to get our two and a half year old son to brush his teeth. I've lost count of how much money I've spent on different toothbrushes, electric ones, one of the ones that are mouthguards specifically designed for children that brush for them...he just won't entertain it! At most he will chew on the toothbrush for a few seconds. If we try to do it for him it results in an absolute meltdown. Anyone else have this problem? I am scared for a time when we have to take him to the dentist because he will go ballistic!

 

[WhatABore]

We are really struggling to get our two and a half year old son to brush his teeth. I've lost count of how much money I've spent on different toothbrushes, electric ones, one of the ones that are mouthguards specifically designed for children that brush for them...he just won't entertain it! At most he will chew on the toothbrush for a few seconds. If we try to do it for him it results in an absolute meltdown. Anyone else have this problem? I am scared for a time when we have to take him to the dentist because he will go ballistic!

We got her used to it by letting her chew on it, and praising her for doing that. And then after a while, directed her by making brushing motions myself. Then when she copied that, I'd praise again.
And my then a while more, hand over hers and praise her for letting me do it.
To start with, we didn't do it in the bathroom or anything either. We did it after dinner. So we'd pass her her toothbrush and put the duggee tooth brushing song on YouTube and she'd sit and watch it.

No idea if that's anything you could try maybe?

 

[watermelon sugar]

We are really struggling to get our two and a half year old son to brush his teeth. I've lost count of how much money I've spent on different toothbrushes, electric ones, one of the ones that are mouthguards specifically designed for children that brush for them...he just won't entertain it! At most he will chew on the toothbrush for a few seconds. If we try to do it for him it results in an absolute meltdown. Anyone else have this problem? I am scared for a time when we have to take him to the dentist because he will go ballistic!

my little boy used to be the same but one day I went ‘ok let George brush your teeth’ and I held his George teddybear and pretended George was brushing his teeth. And he laughed and stood and let me do them! Then he started getting me other toys to do it, and now he gets his toothbrush himself and lets me do it. I couldn’t believe it was something so simple! Hopefully you find something x

 

[quinzel]

Thank you I am definitely going to try some of these suggestions

 

[BettyCrockerr]

A simple sticker chat worked wonders for us with regards to teeth brushing and also things like staying in bed until morning/eating all their dinner etc

I didn’t think it would work and actually thought it was a waste of time and money but I got bright card from Tesco and sets of different stickers (paw patrol/gruffalo/smiley faces etc) and it went down a storm.

 

[al255]

I have to pin my 2.5 year old down to do her teeth ‍ I too have tried electric toothbrushes etc. I will try the teddy bear though x

 

[Emsie]

Does anyone else have a sleep talker? I googled it ... big mistake... and it can be a sign of stress. And also pretty normal. So now I'm obviously panicking over what my toddler could be stressing about!

 

[Definitelyme]

Does anyone else have a sleep talker? I googled it ... big mistake... and it can be a sign of stress. And also pretty normal. So now I'm obviously panicking over what my toddler could be stressing about!

2 out of 3 of mine (the ones who can talk ) have been sleep talkers, interestingly both the girls are but not my eldest boy. Usually lasts until they are about 5, but I wouldn’t notice anything linked with stress necessarily. I sleep talk myself, and that would be worst at times of high pressure.

One memorable line from my eldest during the night, sound asleep, she yelled out “NO DADDY THOSE ARE MY CHIPS”

 

[I’mThankyou_]

Does anyone else have a sleep talker? I googled it ... big mistake... and it can be a sign of stress. And also pretty normal. So now I'm obviously panicking over what my toddler could be stressing about!

I've talked in my sleep since being little, almost 30, still do it.
My apple watch picked me up having a conversation with a Richard one evening.
It can be totally normal, some of us just never know when to shut up

 

[hol20x]

Does anyone else have a sleep talker? I googled it ... big mistake... and it can be a sign of stress. And also pretty normal. So now I'm obviously panicking over what my toddler could be stressing about!

My almost 4yo sleep talks a little bit, I hear her laughing in her sleep a lot. I don’t think it’s related to stress personally.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

My almost 4yo sleep talks a little bit, I hear her laughing in her sleep a lot. I don’t think it’s related to stress personally.

I absolutely ADORE heading my kids laugh in their sleep!!!!! They have both done it since being newborns - and it carried on for a few years. No better sound that the pure joy of a child laughing

 

[Definitelyme]

Oh yes we get lots of sleep laughing too, which is the best! When the baby (who is 13 months ) does it it is just the sweetest

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

I have to pin my 2.5 year old down to do her teeth ‍ I too have tried electric toothbrushes etc. I will try the teddy bear though x

Mine used to be like this but one day he just
Let me. Hopefully yours will be the same. He turned 3 last month

 

[PillowsofFluff]

I have to pin my 2.5 year old down to do her teeth ‍ I too have tried electric toothbrushes etc. I will try the teddy bear though x

SAME. My 2.5 year old has just started getting hysterical at even the sight of her toothbrush. Think it's related to the antibiotics thing I posted about earlier. It's so hard. She used to let us do it but now it's just a total no-no.

Also, just an update on my earlier post. My daughter developed a horrible snotty cough and cold so doctor agrees its probably not bacterial tonsillitis after all and we had the ok to stop antibiotics altogether. Praying it's not the start of chickenpox as that's rife apparently. It's been 6 days since she got ill now and she seems so poorly still no temp, but just utterly miserable.
It's really getting all of us down as she's not sleeping and just seems to cry all the time. So draining.

 

[al255]

Hi all,

Need some advice. My daughters sleep was going so well until the last few nights.

To make it easier:

-She wakes up between 6 and 7
-She needs 6-7 hours of awake time between waking up and naptime

Then I thought it was the same for naptime and bedtime but it gets past 6 hours and it’s half 8, 8:45pm and she’s still not asleep! It’s driving me mad. I get no evening now, cutting her nap to 1 hour 20 doesn’t help and she wakes up in an awful mood and tearful cos she’s so tired still. I can’t exactly start getting her up before 6am as that’s unfair and I certainly don’t wanna be up before at that time either!

Bedtime just seems to be later and I feel like I’m going wrong somewhere. We have the same bedtime routine as majority of parents, bath, pjs, book and bed. She’s usually in bed with a book for 7:45pm giving her time to wind down and then I say goodnight and take the book away. Her room isn’t bright etc no other external things keeping her awake.

I guess I either have to cut naptime down more? But then she’s exhausted all afternoon which isn’t fair or just live with a late bedtime. Does anyone have a solution that I’ve not thought of please? Bedtime used to be 8pm on the dot no issues but it seems to be getting later x

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi all,

Need some advice. My daughters sleep was going so well until the last few nights.

To make it easier:

-She wakes up between 6 and 7
-She needs 6-7 hours of awake time between waking up and naptime

Then I thought it was the same for naptime and bedtime but it gets past 6 hours and it’s half 8, 8:45pm and she’s still not asleep! It’s driving me mad. I get no evening now, cutting her nap to 1 hour 20 doesn’t help and she wakes up in an awful mood and tearful cos she’s so tired still. I can’t exactly start getting her up before 6am as that’s unfair and I certainly don’t wanna be up before at that time either!

Bedtime just seems to be later and I feel like I’m going wrong somewhere. We have the same bedtime routine as majority of parents, bath, pjs, book and bed. She’s usually in bed with a book for 7:45pm giving her time to wind down and then I say goodnight and take the book away. Her room isn’t bright etc no other external things keeping her awake.

I guess I either have to cut naptime down more? But then she’s exhausted all afternoon which isn’t fair or just live with a late bedtime. Does anyone have a solution that I’ve not thought of please? Bedtime used to be 8pm on the dot no issues but it seems to be getting later x

What age is she? Usually when I notice bedtime creeping later it is time to think about cutting nap out, at least some days (which usually happens around age 3 for my kids). I would also start making sure they don’t sleep past a certain point, say 2pm, and maybe even try putting them down for nap earlier if they still need the long sleep.