Toddler advice thread

[WhatABore]

This is exactly what my partner said! It's like last week I took him to soft play, after 2 hours we left and he was super sad about it but aren't most children? My 7 year old still gets upset when it's time to leave the park! Thank you for your reply, it's nice to see I'm not alone in thinking this x



He's been with this particular nursery for 3 months, but he's been at the childminders/nursery since 9 months x

I worked in a nursery before and there was 1 member of staff who would always just end an activity instantly. Without warning. And all the kids would be crying. Every time.
She couldn't understand why the kids were like it with her and not others.
When everyone else would give the warnings of "this many minutes left" "2 more gos on this" ect.
I've come across many other nursery workers like it too!

If they mention it again, I'd ask what they're implying and question if warnings of ending the activities are given or not

 

[Definitelyme]

This is exactly what my partner said! It's like last week I took him to soft play, after 2 hours we left and he was super sad about it but aren't most children? My 7 year old still gets upset when it's time to leave the park! Thank you for your reply, it's nice to see I'm not alone in thinking this x

Oh my 6yo howls when we have to leave somewhere and he doesn’t feel ready. Totally understandable…if not slightly ott sometimes that he’s sobbing like we’ve told him he’s chucked out of the family

 

[bottombanana]

@miamae I’m inclined to agree with @Definitelyme surely every child gets a bit upset that they’re having to leave something they’re in the middle of and having fun with for something completely different.
Could it also be that they’re noticing a change because he’s going less times a week so it’s slightly different for him? Like, when he went 5x he knew that it was standard that he’d have to swap activity but now he’s going less he’s not as used to having to change so quickly to something else

 

[miamae]

I’m quite shocked they’ve pointed this out, firstly he’s only 2! If he was 4 and still doing this between activities, then maybe a little cause for concern - bit even so, don’t all kids get upset when they’re enjoying something? Imagine being that little and asked to change activities mid flow or when you were really into them - my 2yo wouldn’t exactly be agreeable and I know this isn’t my fault. Secondly, everyone knows 2 year olds aren’t exactly easily swayed most of the time just purely due to power play. Don’t worry too much, I’m not sure why they’d feel the need to point this out xx

Exactly my thinking! Thanks so much, I really appreciate it xx

@miamae I’m inclined to agree with @Definitelyme surely every child gets a bit upset that they’re having to leave something they’re in the middle of and having fun with for something completely different.
Could it also be that they’re noticing a change because he’s going less times a week so it’s slightly different for him? Like, when he went 5x he knew that it was standard that he’d have to swap activity but now he’s going less he’s not as used to having to change so quickly to something else

Yes absolutely, I think this could be the reason. They were just so vague when I was asking questions about it. I just wish they hadn't mentioned it if one their not concerned and two they couldn't even justify it! x

 

[pinksunsetx91]

Hello all please can I get some advice? I've got myself in a bit of a state so I'm looking fo some kind of reassurance - if any. My little boy turned 2 in November and he is super sociable and outgoing, and such a cheeky little guy. He goes to nursery 2 times a week and I picked him up today and his nursery worker said "nothing to worry about, but I just wanted to let you know that he is struggling with transition with activities." She basically said that for example he will be playing lovely with other children on the floor and then they will say to him right, we're going to make cakes now and apparently he gets really upset and needs reassurance from them?
I have never really noticed this at home before, he has his usual 'tantrums' but all children are like that. I'm starting to blame myself now and wondering if it's my fault?! Also not sure what she was trying to get at and now I'm panicking that they think something is wrong with him. I think I am probably just making something out of nothing, but adding that into being a hormonal pregnant mess it's really not helping. If anyone has experienced this or has any knowledge I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you x

Hi just wanted to say my son just turned 2 last week and sometimes he can be like this especially if he’s really enjoying himself. I think it’s just an age thing to be fair they are still young at 2 and think the nursery is a bit off to say to you but not explain and just leave you to worry. I’m sure your little one is perfectly fine and just being a typical 2 year old who have their own wee minds. Your doing a great job just wanted to reassure you x

 

[miamae]

Hi just wanted to say my son just turned 2 last week and sometimes he can be like this especially if he’s really enjoying himself. I think it’s just an age thing to be fair they are still young at 2 and think the nursery is a bit off to say to you but not explain and just leave you to worry. I’m sure your little one is perfectly fine and just being a typical 2 year old who have their own wee minds. Your doing a great job just wanted to reassure you x

Thanks lovely, much appreciated x

 

[I’mThankyou_]

Hello all please can I get some advice? I've got myself in a bit of a state so I'm looking fo some kind of reassurance - if any. My little boy turned 2 in November and he is super sociable and outgoing, and such a cheeky little guy. He goes to nursery 2 times a week and I picked him up today and his nursery worker said "nothing to worry about, but I just wanted to let you know that he is struggling with transition with activities." She basically said that for example he will be playing lovely with other children on the floor and then they will say to him right, we're going to make cakes now and apparently he gets really upset and needs reassurance from them?
I have never really noticed this at home before, he has his usual 'tantrums' but all children are like that. I'm starting to blame myself now and wondering if it's my fault?! Also not sure what she was trying to get at and now I'm panicking that they think something is wrong with him. I think I am probably just making something out of nothing, but adding that into being a hormonal pregnant mess it's really not helping. If anyone has experienced this or has any knowledge I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you x

We had exactly this issue with my eldest when he was in nursery. He enjoyed playing with cars and role-playing that he was a paramedic. He didn't have much of an interest in any other nursery activities. His teacher mentioned it to me and at first it upset me a bit, but then I thought how unhappy would I be if someone was telling me to do something I didn't want to do?
I'll be honest, I ignored her comments and I asked her to leave him to it, he naturally transitioned himself when he was ready to do other activities after he got bored of what ever activity he was doing.
He wasn't or isn't a checklist child. He knew his own mind and he did exactly that.
He's now 9 and he's sociable and perfectly fine

 

[miamae]

Thank you all so much for your replies the other day. Little update - I rang his nursery this morning and his key worker said "I only meant he was having tantrums, didn't mean to worry you!" . She said it was transition issues on Monday but hey ho, I felt like saying to her find me a toddler who never tantrums!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you all so much for your replies the other day. Little update - I rang his nursery this morning and his key worker said "I only meant he was having tantrums, didn't mean to worry you!" . She said it was transition issues on Monday but hey ho, I felt like saying to her find me a toddler who never tantrums!

Glad you got it sorted out, sounds like she was just saying it for the sake of saying something to you at the school gates so to speak, as you say it sounds like it’s just normal toddler behaviour and she really didn’t need to frame it in that way.

 

[Babyyoda88]

Hello all please can I get some advice? I've got myself in a bit of a state so I'm looking fo some kind of reassurance - if any. My little boy turned 2 in November and he is super sociable and outgoing, and such a cheeky little guy. He goes to nursery 2 times a week and I picked him up today and his nursery worker said "nothing to worry about, but I just wanted to let you know that he is struggling with transition with activities." She basically said that for example he will be playing lovely with other children on the floor and then they will say to him right, we're going to make cakes now and apparently he gets really upset and needs reassurance from them?
I have never really noticed this at home before, he has his usual 'tantrums' but all children are like that. I'm starting to blame myself now and wondering if it's my fault?! Also not sure what she was trying to get at and now I'm panicking that they think something is wrong with him. I think I am probably just making something out of nothing, but adding that into being a hormonal pregnant mess it's really not helping. If anyone has experienced this or has any knowledge I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you x

Sorry I haven’t read all the replies so it might have been mentioned. I’m an early years teacher and really anyone, not just young children, would find it really hard and annoying being told to stop engaging in the activity they’re engrossed in and to move onto something they’re not particularly in the mood for. Have they tried giving him warnings/a heads up before the next activity or task is going to start e.g in five minutes we are going to be baking or you have five minutes before it’s time to bake etc and then (because what’s the concept of time to young children) having an actual sand timer or some form of measurement of time in view of your little boy so he can physically see when it’s time to stop playing and do something else. Might not necessarily mean he’s happy to stop his lovely game especially at first, but at least it’s visually giving him support in transitions.

 

[Rlaw1978]

Does anyone have any advice on how to drop the night feeds. My one year old- only just turned one, wakes 2/3 times a night to feed- bottle fed. And it’s probably my fault but he associates settling to sleep with a bottle. Which makes night times hard. We really need to break the habit. He drinks very little in the day, despite it being offered and available at all times. And saves himself for all fluids at night.

 

[Jellybean093]

Does anyone have any advice on how to drop the night feeds. My one year old- only just turned one, wakes 2/3 times a night to feed- bottle fed. And it’s probably my fault but he associates settling to sleep with a bottle. Which makes night times hard. We really need to break the habit. He drinks very little in the day, despite it being offered and available at all times. And saves himself for all fluids at night.

Can you start giving him water instead of milk? Or put less milk in over time so he doesn’t want to wake up for it?

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

Does anyone have any advice on how to drop the night feeds. My one year old- only just turned one, wakes 2/3 times a night to feed- bottle fed. And it’s probably my fault but he associates settling to sleep with a bottle. Which makes night times hard. We really need to break the habit. He drinks very little in the day, despite it being offered and available at all times. And saves himself for all fluids at night.

I would stop feeding them to sleep at bedtime, give milk but take it away before they pass out and let them fall asleep on their own rather than while drinking. Removing the sleep association and letting them fall asleep without being held and bottle fed will help with any later night wakes... as they will want that at every wake up.

Mine threw a fit when I tried the water thing in the middle of the night so just got milk instead as it was easier and concentrated on the first put down of the night. For teeth health as well it's best to get them brush after milk altho I can say we don't always manage that!! But they are brushed morning and night.

 

[WhatABore]

Does anyone have any advice on how to drop the night feeds. My one year old- only just turned one, wakes 2/3 times a night to feed- bottle fed. And it’s probably my fault but he associates settling to sleep with a bottle. Which makes night times hard. We really need to break the habit. He drinks very little in the day, despite it being offered and available at all times. And saves himself for all fluids at night.

We still a bottle of milk at bed time, she doesn't fall asleep drinking it though.
But up until a month ago, she was still waking for a bottle (she's 11 months)
So we started by only offering 2oz for a week.
And then fed her the 2oz whilst still in the cot and just shhhing and rubbing her stomach until she went back to sleep.
It took a bit of patience, she wasn't keen to start with. Kept getting up. So we just kept laying her back down.
Eventually she got the hint it was bed time and she'd only get up once to be laid back down. And then we removed the bottle completely and if she'd wake, we'd just shhh her and rub her stomach and now she rarely wakes.
Occasionally she will wake still, but we just shh her and it literally takes minutes now

 

[Kim Mild]

This is more of a whinge than needing advice.

We need a whole new evening routine and getting ready for bed routine in our house. It's all getting too chaotic and the whole household needs to be working together for the little ones to wind down and have bathtime.

 

[tspnwn]

Not quite sure I'm allowed to post here since I don't have kids of my own but could do with some advice on how to help my best friend with her toddler.

I suppose the issue is that she never tells her little girl (3) "no" and babies her to the point where the daycare have even stepped in and warned her that she is holding her back and they need to see improvements because she's so far behind everyone in her group. LO is only just toilet training now, and she won't feed herself either. She won't sit at the table, she get up and runs around and then my friend follows her around with the fork with food on it! Mealtimes have become unbearable because the little one tries to take my fork away and feed me with it (not her fault, of course she's copying mum) and my friend gets annoyed if I don't let her or say no. This, as you can imagine, has created a very entitled attitude in the little one - she will get really angry if you don't do what she wants you to do, it's as if she doesn't understand why you won't follow her commands because she's so used to her mum doing so. I was playing with her once while my friend was cooking but I had to use the bathroom quickly, and said as much, then she had a complete meltdown. When I came back from the bathroom, my friend had a go at me asking "couldn't you have just waited a few minutes, she's really cranky now"!

I've overheard mutual friends' kids say they don't want to play with her because she's "a baby" and even seen them push her away on occasions. I'd never dream of interfering because it's not my place but another big issue is that any type of negative wording, my friend regards it as "a telling off". Even the other day, I stepped in only because it was an emergency and told her not to run ahead while friend was distracted because she was about to run into the road and I got a very stern "don't tell her off please"! I'm really at my wit's end, I don't really want to lose her over this but it's looking like I might have to stop hanging out with her because being around it all the time is just maddening. Is there anything else I could do at all to help the situation? It's not just about my annoyance either, obviously the biggest problem is what could end up happening to the LO, like she's being held back so much because of this and it's a detriment to her development. I'm not a parent and even I can see it. Sorry for the rant, I don't want to talk to my other "mum friends" about it because I don't want it to seem like I'm judging her, I really do want to be supportive, but it's so hard

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Not quite sure I'm allowed to post here since I don't have kids of my own but could do with some advice on how to help my best friend with her toddler.

I suppose the issue is that she never tells her little girl (3) "no" and babies her to the point where the daycare have even stepped in and warned her that she is holding her back and they need to see improvements because she's so far behind everyone in her group. LO is only just toilet training now, and she won't feed herself either. She won't sit at the table, she get up and runs around and then my friend follows her around with the fork with food on it! Mealtimes have become unbearable because the little one tries to take my fork away and feed me with it (not her fault, of course she's copying mum) and my friend gets annoyed if I don't let her or say no. This, as you can imagine, has created a very entitled attitude in the little one - she will get really angry if you don't do what she wants you to do, it's as if she doesn't understand why you won't follow her commands because she's so used to her mum doing so. I was playing with her once while my friend was cooking but I had to use the bathroom quickly, and said as much, then she had a complete meltdown. When I came back from the bathroom, my friend had a go at me asking "couldn't you have just waited a few minutes, she's really cranky now"!

I've overheard mutual friends' kids say they don't want to play with her because she's "a baby" and even seen them push her away on occasions. I'd never dream of interfering because it's not my place but another big issue is that any type of negative wording, my friend regards it as "a telling off". Even the other day, I stepped in only because it was an emergency and told her not to run ahead while friend was distracted because she was about to run into the road and I got a very stern "don't tell her off please"! I'm really at my wit's end, I don't really want to lose her over this but it's looking like I might have to stop hanging out with her because being around it all the time is just maddening. Is there anything else I could do at all to help the situation? It's not just about my annoyance either, obviously the biggest problem is what could end up happening to the LO, like she's being held back so much because of this and it's a detriment to her development. I'm not a parent and even I can see it. Sorry for the rant, I don't want to talk to my other "mum friends" about it because I don't want it to seem like I'm judging her, I really do want to be supportive, but it's so hard

The issue isn’t with the child, it’s with your friend. Is she s single parent? Does she have any other family ?

She sounds like she’s desperately struggling with the pressure of being a parent, if you want to help her, you are going to have to sit down with her and talk to her. Ask her how she is, how she’s coping, tell her you love her and that you are worried about her. She probably won’t be easy to open up but you’ll have to persevere but don’t attack her and don’t make her child the issue - because it’s not the child that’s at fault here.

 

[Definitelyme]

Not quite sure I'm allowed to post here since I don't have kids of my own but could do with some advice on how to help my best friend with her toddler.

I suppose the issue is that she never tells her little girl (3) "no" and babies her to the point where the daycare have even stepped in and warned her that she is holding her back and they need to see improvements because she's so far behind everyone in her group. LO is only just toilet training now, and she won't feed herself either. She won't sit at the table, she get up and runs around and then my friend follows her around with the fork with food on it! Mealtimes have become unbearable because the little one tries to take my fork away and feed me with it (not her fault, of course she's copying mum) and my friend gets annoyed if I don't let her or say no. This, as you can imagine, has created a very entitled attitude in the little one - she will get really angry if you don't do what she wants you to do, it's as if she doesn't understand why you won't follow her commands because she's so used to her mum doing so. I was playing with her once while my friend was cooking but I had to use the bathroom quickly, and said as much, then she had a complete meltdown. When I came back from the bathroom, my friend had a go at me asking "couldn't you have just waited a few minutes, she's really cranky now"!

I've overheard mutual friends' kids say they don't want to play with her because she's "a baby" and even seen them push her away on occasions. I'd never dream of interfering because it's not my place but another big issue is that any type of negative wording, my friend regards it as "a telling off". Even the other day, I stepped in only because it was an emergency and told her not to run ahead while friend was distracted because she was about to run into the road and I got a very stern "don't tell her off please"! I'm really at my wit's end, I don't really want to lose her over this but it's looking like I might have to stop hanging out with her because being around it all the time is just maddening. Is there anything else I could do at all to help the situation? It's not just about my annoyance either, obviously the biggest problem is what could end up happening to the LO, like she's being held back so much because of this and it's a detriment to her development. I'm not a parent and even I can see it. Sorry for the rant, I don't want to talk to my other "mum friends" about it because I don't want it to seem like I'm judging her, I really do want to be supportive, but it's so hard

Is there any trauma in their past? Anything that happened when the little girl was a baby that has made her mum take on that this style of parenting. Maybe something in her own past, was she raised by authoritarian parents and is trying desperately to do the opposite? Is she burnt out? If she has no help then maybe she is just doing anything for an “easy” life because she is knackered.

Try and remember when dealing with the little girl that her behaviour at this stage is really not her fault. She isn’t acting badly, she’s acting the way she has been taught is ok, so patience and understanding towards her are really important.

It is not easy to sit down and tell someone their parenting isn’t up to scratch. I think you need to decide if you are willing to do that, and take the fallout. She will probably feel attacked, and will not feel very warmly towards you. But if you think it’s worth it, then sit her down and have a frank conversation, telling her it’s coming from a place of love and concern.

 

[tspnwn]

The issue isn’t with the child, it’s with your friend. Is she s single parent? Does she have any other family ?

She sounds like she’s desperately struggling with the pressure of being a parent, if you want to help her, you are going to have to sit down with her and talk to her. Ask her how she is, how she’s coping, tell her you love her and that you are worried about her. She probably won’t be easy to open up but you’ll have to persevere but don’t attack her and don’t make her child the issue - because it’s not the child that’s at fault here.

Yeah, you're absolutely right and I know that too, my post probably didn't convey that too well though! I think that's what makes it so hard. I'm maybe better posting this elsewhere since as you say it's not exactly a toddler issue. Yes she's a single parent but has quite a big family who she's reluctant to ask for help from, which is such a shame as they've always told her they'd love to help more. When I've asked how she's coping and how things are she just smiles and says everything is fine and things are great. I often remind her I'm always there for her if she needs to talk about anything, which she does about various unrelated things. When it comes to LO she does call me to vent about how the daycare are out of line for their comments, things like that, it's as though she can't see that they have a point which I think will make talking to her much harder. They suggested she take a parenting class and she blew up, saying they were the ones who were being lazy expecting her to do their job and is now looking for a new daycare, so trying to get through to her won't be easy. When she does say these things to me I try to be supportive with careful responses that are somehow neutral "I can understand that must have felt frustrating for you" etc, but it's getting difficult now to keep doing that when deep down I actually agree with them.

Is there any trauma in their past? Anything that happened when the little girl was a baby that has made her mum take on that this style of parenting. Maybe something in her own past, was she raised by authoritarian parents and is trying desperately to do the opposite? Is she burnt out? If she has no help then maybe she is just doing anything for an “easy” life because she is knackered.

Try and remember when dealing with the little girl that her behaviour at this stage is really not her fault. She isn’t acting badly, she’s acting the way she has been taught is ok, so patience and understanding towards her are really important.

It is not easy to sit down and tell someone their parenting isn’t up to scratch. I think you need to decide if you are willing to do that, and take the fallout. She will probably feel attacked, and will not feel very warmly towards you. But if you think it’s worth it, then sit her down and have a frank conversation, telling her it’s coming from a place of love and concern.

Friend and little one's dad split when she was a baby so that was just horrendous for her I don't think her parents were overly strict or anything as we've been friends since we were kids ourselves and she always says she had a great childhood. I wonder if she doesn't want to accept help when her mum offers to take the LO to give her a break because maybe she feels like it makes her a bad mum or something? I'm not sure, that's purely me speculating. I've asked why she doesn't let her mum help for a few hours here and there before and the answer is always the same, she feels as though her mum "tells off" LO too much(I don't think she does, it's always little basic things like "no chocolate until after dinner" or "please don't climb on the table" and she never raises her voice or says it nastily if that makes sense?), and then when they are both round at her mum's LO is "confused about which of them to listen to" if asked to do something/not to do something. She's said on a lot of occasions that she doesn't want LO to think she has to listen to anyone but her, which has caused issues at the daycare too, and will probably cause issues at school later if she carries on with that. I think you're probably right that she must be burnt out and exhausted but doesn't want to accept help.

I've been trying to mind my own business and not comment at all but my own mum said something about it that really scared me - she's been trying to push me to talk to her for ages as she thinks social services will end up getting involved and my friend could end up having the little one taken away which would of course be the worst possible thing to happen! I don't know how all these laws work but that really scared me and made me think maybe I do need to try to talk to her (not that I'd ever mention that part obviously as that's so extreme).

Thank you both for taking the time to reply! I think I maybe just needed to hear it from an outside perspective... I really do have to grow a pair and try to sit her down and explain that it truly is coming from a place of love and concern and wanting to help. And you are right that I'll need to be prepared for the fallout, and be so so so careful about choosing my words... as you both say I wouldn't plan on mentioning LO's behaviour because it's true that none of this is down to her. I worry that whatever way I frame it or how careful I am, she will feel attacked and get upset with me and we'll fall out, which is the last thing I'd want as I love them both to pieces. On the other hand, the implications of if it carries on are so scary I genuinely don't mean to sound like I'm criticizing my friend, she's one of the best people I've ever known. I feel as though I'd be being a bad friend by not saying anything, and a bad friend if I do. We are taking LO out together next week so maybe I could try to talk to her then when LO goes for her nap when we get back to her place.

Sorry again for the rant and thanks for listening!

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Does anyone have any advice on taking a toddler on their first flight ?? We’ve booked to go to Spain In April and I’m a bit anxious about it as my little one ( who will be 3 ) doesn’t really like sitting still for long periods of time