TheLongMum

[Bunbun1]

The power imbalance isn't the same though. I'm not a massive fan of hers but I very much doubt that a hormonal woman lunging towards him whilst holding a baby (if that's what it was) was exactly threatening to him. Certainly not as threatening as a man lunging towards a woman. You can't apply the same rules to both genders IMO.

I think there are scenarios where the power imbalance argument is relevant but I feel like in this case it actually feeds the issue.
Many men would worry about defending theirselves against a woman because they have more power. They worry about getting out of DV situations because they shouldn’t be in the situation due to having more power. And so it escalates, because they’re excusing the situation, thinking they can regain the power at any time. Until they can’t.
I do believe that women are the majority of victims of DV and it’s important for there to be shelters that can accommodate biological women only etc etc but at the same time I’m not going to excuse a woman for assaulting a man (and then bragging about it on social media) because she’s had a baby and *may* have had PND.

 

[Slothgang]

Plus I don't think its fair to compare a post natal woman to a man who is specifically choosing to commit DV. Have you seen the Louis theroux documentary about new mums? Post natal hormones can make you completely lose it.

 

[electric_boots]

I'm reluctant to comment on this because I've never made a secret of the fact that I know her ex. So I'll keep it neutral. But like someone said above, you'd never blame a woman for leaving a situation where she felt unsafe so it's totally unfair to judge him for 'dumping her with a newborn' when nobody (not even me) knows what was going on in that relationship, I do know that it wasn't an isolated incident but so what if it was? When they broke up she did a post (which is still there) saying that neither of them had been happy for a while but they hoped the new baby would paper over the cracks. Does that sound like a happy environment for any of them? The trouble is now, she gets to play the 'dumped with a newborn' card for the rest of time and he carries the label of 'man who dumped a woman with a newborn' with no way to defend himself and no consideration for the situation or how bloody horrible it must have been to make that decision.

 

[Bunbun1]

Plus I don't think its fair to compare a post natal woman to a man who is specifically choosing to commit DV. Have you seen the Louis theroux documentary about new mums? Post natal hormones can make you completely lose it.

I did see the Louis Theroux documentary about post partum psychosis (not depression). If the assault had happened because she was in a dissociative state then surely she wouldn’t have been able to tell Instagram all about it? There’d also be more psychiatric support.
Men don’t specifically choose to commit DV. They struggle to contain their temper and that’s what makes it so dangerous- because they aren’t in control. They lash out and afterwards they’re apologetic and say it won’t happen again etc etc and then they lose control again… which is why we don’t ever excuse DV. We don’t help women by saying there are situations where it’s acceptable to lash out at your partner, even if we are saying it about a woman.

 

[Simbama12]

Mmm I feel like we wouldn’t accept mitigating circumstances in that way if it was the other way around? He’s going through a hard time, things are difficult at work for him… we wouldn’t say this to our female friends? So I don’t think I can, in good conscience, say he was wrong to leave because I would never say a woman was wrong to do so.
DV always starts small and escalates over time. We don’t know that her behaviour would have escalated but we also don’t know that it wouldn’t have, so personally I couldn’t criticise someone for getting out at the beginning. I would 100% always advise my female friends to get out so I don’t think I can in all good conscience say a man should stay and hope she doesn’t escalate.

I never said he was wrong to leave nor did I say she was justified. I simply replied to an above comment About her ‘attacking him’

Being in throws of post partum, alone all day with toddler too, and then a partner coming home late having been out in their normal life whilst life has changed hugely for a mother, I think we can give her a break on this one.

Plus I don't think its fair to compare a post natal woman to a man who is specifically choosing to commit DV. Have you seen the Louis theroux documentary about new mums? Post natal hormones can make you completely lose it.

Exactly my point, she suffered I think terribly on her first, so perhaps she would always suffer from post natal depression to a degree.

Everyone assuming she hit him, that is not what she said, she lunged not attacked.
again I’m not condoning it but it’s escalating here to apparent violence and it’s making me Uncomfortable.
Anna is a right knob but this talk of DV and ‘if this was a man’ we don’t have facts. She confessed the incident and it was not an attack, I don’t think we should speculate further.

 

[Slothgang]

I did see the Louis Theroux documentary about post partum psychosis (not depression). If the assault had happened because she was in a dissociative state then surely she wouldn’t have been able to tell Instagram all about it? There’d also be more psychiatric support.
Men don’t specifically choose to commit DV. They struggle to contain their temper and that’s what makes it so dangerous- because they aren’t in control. They lash out and afterwards they’re apologetic and say it won’t happen again etc etc and then they lose control again… which is why we don’t ever excuse DV. We don’t help women by saying there are situations where it’s acceptable to lash out at your partner, even if we are saying it about a woman.

Sorry but I think saying that men don't choose to commit dv is abit .

 

[éman]

I think there’s an element of talking past each other here - totally fair to say that we don’t know what happened so any judgment whose foundation is built on speculation is unfair. Also fair to say that postnatal hormones can send you loopy, that it must have been horrible for Anna to have been left with a newborn and a toddler, and that her ex may well have been justified in doing so nevertheless.

I will admit to finding the “if it was a man” thing not terribly useful - I know it’s not fashionable to emphasise this nowadays but whilst (obviously, I hope!) both sexes can be guilty of abuse both physical and psychological, the inherent power imbalance between a man and a woman is vast enough that these direct comparisons just don’t work. There is no symmetry. This general point relates tangentially to my line of work and all I will say - and it surprised me when I saw the data! - is that the strength gap between the two sexes is larger, not smaller, than most people assume. So much so that almost all men are stronger than almost all women. It’s actually quite remarkable.

That’s why things like “soaps trivialise it when a woman slaps a man’s face but if the sexes are reversed it’s abuse” are basically just fatuous. In all but a tiny minority of exceptional cases, a woman slapping a man poses absolutely no threat to him, neither would a man perceive one or be scared. The same is just not true of the reverse. And having been hit by both sexes in anger… there is a world of difference, physically, between the experiences.

 

[electric_boots]

I think there’s an element of talking past each other here - totally fair to say that we don’t know what happened so any judgment whose foundation is built on speculation is unfair. Also fair to say that postnatal hormones can send you loopy, that it must have been horrible for Anna to have been left with a newborn and a toddler, and that her ex may well have been justified in doing so nevertheless.

I will admit to finding the “if it was a man” thing not terribly useful - I know it’s not fashionable to emphasise this nowadays but whilst (obviously, I hope!) both sexes can be guilty of abuse both physical and psychological, the inherent power imbalance between a man and a woman is vast enough that these direct comparisons just don’t work. There is no symmetry. This general point relates tangentially to my line of work and all I will say - and it surprised me when I saw the data! - is that the strength gap between the two sexes is larger, not smaller, than most people assume. So much so that almost all men are stronger than almost all women. It’s actually quite remarkable.

That’s why things like “soaps trivialise it when a woman slaps a man’s face but if the sexes are reversed it’s abuse” are basically just fatuous. In all but a tiny minority of exceptional cases, a woman slapping a man poses absolutely no threat to him, neither would a man perceive one or be scared. The same is just not true of the reverse. And having been hit by both sexes in anger… there is a world of difference, physically, between the experiences.

So hypothetically if Anna had slapped her ex, he wouldn't have been scared because she is likely to have been weaker than him. Ok fine... but that doesn't mean he has to stick around and be slapped just because she poses no physical threat to him?! I wouldn't continue to live with a friend who slapped me whenever she felt like it because she was smaller than me and therefore couldn't hurt me..?
(Not saying she slapped him, just using your example)

 

[Bunbun1]

Sorry but I think saying that men don't choose to commit dv is abit .

I think saying men choose to commit DV but women are, what, powerless against their hormones? That’s some pretty old fashioned misogyny and it’s also quite reductive on the reasons why DV develops.
It also suggests that if they just *choose* to be violent they can also just *choose* to stop. When it isn’t that simple- wanting to change (and taking responsibility for their actions) is an important first step but it takes a lot more work then that.

 

[CatDog98]

What’s the point of sticking your dildo on the wall for an insta story?

 

[éman]

So hypothetically if Anna had slapped her ex, he wouldn't have been scared because she is likely to have been weaker than him. Ok fine... but that doesn't mean he has to stick around and be slapped just because she poses no physical threat to him?! I wouldn't continue to live with a friend who slapped me whenever she felt like it because she was smaller than me and therefore couldn't hurt me..?
(Not saying she slapped him, just using your example)

Of course he wouldn’t have to, that’s why I said he may well be entirely justified in having left her on those (or similar) grounds. X can be wrong and unbearable without being identical to Y, was the general gist of what I was getting at.

 

[Venuslurker]

What’s the point of sticking your dildo on the wall for an insta story?

lol yes let's all agree to disagree and get back to the real issues

 

[Coffeefirst19]

Wtf! Who actually thinks…. Ahhh I know, I’ll stick my dildo on the bathroom wall and get a video for Instagram of me in the bath and have it accidentally fall down on me….

weird! Grow up Anna! Cringey AF!!!!!

 

[Simbama12]

What’s the point of sticking your dildo on the wall for an insta story?

Had to watch a few times to see what it was… ffs who does that

 

[Bunbun1]

Wtf! Who actually thinks…. Ahhh I know, I’ll stick my dildo on the bathroom wall and get a video for Instagram of me in the bath and have it accidentally fall down on me….

weird! Grow up Anna! Cringey AF!!!!!

Maybe she saw we were arguing amongst ourselves and decided to throw us something to distract ourselves with
Screenshot felt necessary. In part because of the miserable face.

 

[Mochalatte]

She doesn’t have a great relationship with her mum but does she not see she is literally repeating history? Her mum seems preoccupied with her looks, her life, not really giving a tit- this is Anna. She’s preoccupied with her looks, getting a new boyfriend to fund her lifestyle and parent her, doesn’t give much of a tit about providing a home with boundaries and stability. I’m confused- she goes to counselling, has she not been told this? Look after your kids, get a job and some stability and stop trying to solve all your problems with a man/father figure.

 

[JellyDonut]

It’s honestly embarrassing the way she craves validation through Instagram

 

[electric_boots]

It’s honestly embarrassing the way she craves validation through Instagram

Yeah and it's also very telling that she avoids her DMs like the plague. Because she's scared there will be something negative in there and she clearly doesn't handle criticism well. It's all fine when everyone's kissing her arse but the slightest negative comment and she can't deal with it.

 

[JellyDonut]

Yeah and it's also very telling that she avoids her DMs like the plague. Because she's scared there will be something negative in there and she clearly doesn't handle criticism well. It's all fine when everyone's kissing her arse but the slightest negative comment and she can't deal with it.

I wonder how long it will be before things go sour with the new boyfriend? There will be months of self loathing again with the occasional story about wanking

 

[Theplantmum]

I wonder how long it will be before things go sour with the new boyfriend? There will be months of self loathing again with the occasional story about wanking

Angry wanking