The Depression Thread

[StillLucilleBluth]

Thank you for the compliment. I'm still learning. I spent a very long time in therapy and also read a lot around it just trying to understand.

I think you've hit the nail! My favourite quote from Niles Crane is "The first step to healing is not to bury the pain but to feel it in it's fullest depths."

How long were you with your ex for?

Talking about something is not moaning and ranting is good in my book. I have my larger journal from paperchase and just write anything and everything. Money I spent. Places I went. Movie/ book I watched or read. Conversations I had word. Goals. Sometimes it would be doodles too. I don't think you should limit yourself because it's what's important to you in that moment. It's only when you look back can you see the changes that have occurred. I read the diary of Anne Frank every year, no way am I or will I ever be as articulate and self aware as she was at 15- but I don't have to be.

You can however also get journals with prompts too from Amazon. I would pick some for my sister. I got these questions from Tess holiday's instagram.

What if i had been loved from the start?
How would I have chosen differently if I had not learned to feel apologetic for my existence?
What could I have been if I had never been taught to question my worth?
How does it feel to not have to work at loving yourself?

Thank you so much for such a lovely and thorough reply!

Those prompts… oof. Amazing. Powerful stuff!

 

[Maid22]

@Sideboard Bob really hope you've managed to get some sleep, it's so frustrating trying to sleep and nothing happens, I don't feel like I've had a proper sleep for months.

@Pollyanna263 it's like a viscous circle, you want and need time to yourself, but then worry when they aren't with you. I also have a young dog, he's very chilled and laid back, so he gets me when Im not very well, but then I get the guilt for not taking him out.

 

[isabellalovescats]

I feel like I need to go back on medicine to just get through day to day life but I'm terrified of the weight gain. It's really stressing me out because I already feel disgusting about myself. The joys of mental health and low self esteem eh.

You can tell your doctor that weight is a non negotiable for you. There are options that won’t cause weight gain. For me, Zoloft and Seroquel really work well without affecting my weight! It might take a little while but I believe you will find meds that work for you.

 

[Maid22]

I am not really expecting any replies but I am in such a horrible place right now and just need to write it down. This morning my sister, who I generally get on well with but who is very nosey (I’m 99% sure she reads on here because she is always looking at my screen or search history…if so, hey Alex, thanks for everything), told my parents about my experience with depression and antidepressants. She was supposed to keep it secret, my parents are quite old-fashioned, don’t believe in depression, ‘hearing about your problems makes us feel bad’ kind of people and I preferred not to tell them. There was an ugly scene and now I’m locked in the bathroom crying and late for everything. I just cannot believe the people who are supposed to be your support system can be so cruel to you, so many strangers on the Internet are much kinder and more understanding than they are. I don’t even know what to do or if I should do anything at all, I just can’t keep it to myself anymore.

Am so sorry to hear this, I've been in kinda the same situation with a sibling who you thought at the time you could trust, but then uses it to their advantage to emotional blackmail you, not sure if you live with your with your family, but I ended all contact with mine, even though I know they could rear their ugly head at any time. I've had no support from anyone apart my oh, this thread has been a godsend to me, such kind and supportive folks who don't judge, but understand. Take care of yourself x

 

[DoctorWho]

I‘m so glad for you that you want to change. I can’t pretend to understand, but from what I know, that’s a huge step, and ugh I know it must be hard but this is such a positive thing.
I hope Tuesday will help too. There’s every chance it will. If for some reason, it doesn’t go well, please, please don’t be disheartened, you’ve already got this far.

Oh gosh of course. It’s why we’re all here. It feels so lonely. Please don’t be ashamed. I don’t even know you but I admire so much that you’re being open and seeking help. Also, it’s an illness, you have no reason to be ashamed.

thank you for listening, it means the world to me. I’ve tried talking to friends about it but they just brush it off because I’m known as the ‘fun one who loves to party’

I’ve started making a list tonight of triggers to discuss on Tuesday

 

[Pollyanna263]

@Pollyanna263 I think we can all understand coming out of that really low place, then trying to be 'normal', whatever that is.
Not being nosey , but can you not get any help, so you can take some time for yourself?

My youngest is actually with his dad this weekend, for the first time in months. The problem is, I end up worrying more because he’s not with me

It was nice not to be woken quite so early this morning, but the dog decided 7.30 was late enough for me!

this feels like the loneliest time, at stupid-o-clock at night. Sending love and hope to anyone reading this who’s struggling and/or can’t sleep x

My problem is getting to sleep in the first place.
If I go too early and then sleep for longer, I have nightmares every night. So I delay and delay and eventually go to sleep in the early hours x

 

[cornflower]

absolutely done at the moment. Had a bit of a complex bereavement a couple of months ago and I think it’s messing with my head.

Been off meds for nearly two years but I’m now at a point where I feel like the side effects I was trying to avoid by coming off them are now all reappearing as symptoms… all I want to do is sleep and avoid people. I still have a strip of sertraline left from my old prescription and I’ve started taking it again which I know is a ridiculous idea and I should just go to my doctor but I don’t even know what to say. I feel like I can never say what I mean, there’s a massive disconnect between my thoughts and my speech.

Struggling to keep my head above water and my SO is no doubt sick of me constantly saying depressive morbid stuff. I got into some really good habits over lockdown and now it’s all gone to shit.

I hate this. It’s like a prison.

 

[knickerbocker glory]

Hi! New here, I have a wonderful elderly relative who is physically very fit but suffers from depression, but I have noticed they are going back to bed soon after they wake up (I go to give them breakfast and make sure they take their tablets now). Can any of you give me any advice on how to encourage them not to go back to bed, I suggest the radio or reading a book, but I feel out of my depth in what I can suggest/what may help. They lost their partner 7 years ago and know they are drinking alcohol more, and earlier in the day. I feel so helpless and they are so amazing I hate seeing them like this.

 

[Penguin86]

As we get older we understand the ramifications of things, whereas when we’re younger we’re a lot more resilient and carefree. I notice things like heights and wading put too far into be sea terrify me now, despite being a strong swimmer and never fearing height before! Fear is good, it means you are less likely to do things on a whim.


Can we help? Not trying to sound flippant but I sometimes get so fed up and overwhelmed, I just go for a nap. It’s the only way to switch off and forget for a few hours!

I'm just broken atm.
Put my pjs on at 6pm and been having a snotty, ugly cry since in bed

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Hi again everyone! It’s so lovely to have this thread for support and advice MH is still a bit of a taboo topic in my group of friends and it’s just fantastic to be able to express your true feelings and emotions here.

@Penguin86: I absolutely second @Sideboard Bob’s technique, it works really well for a lot of people, myself included. It’s the only thing that helps me with panic attacks when I don’t want to take anything else. And I know it sounds cliché, but exercise, be it yoga, running or walking, can be pretty good for you, too. I absolutely hate sports but I make myself go on a run every day just to distract myself and focus on my body instead of my mind (I hope this makes sense, I don’t really know how to explain it). Good luck, I hope you find something that helps you!


@Elisha97: I’m very sorry! I know how it feels full well, please hang in there! You are not alone, I’m always here if you need somebody to talk to, just tag me so I know x

_________________________________________________________


I just wanted to update and share my experience with Prozac/Fluoxetine.

Spoiler: Fluoxetine talk, slightly TMI personal experience

I’ve been taking it for a month now and while I do feel much better, I feel like I’ve swapped my depression for side effects? I would still take them over

Spoiler: TW

suicidal thoughts, apathy and mild ED syptoms

, but lately I’ve been having hot flashes when it’s already hot and muggy, it’s tough! I‘ve always been more a breakfast person but now I struggle with queasiness and nausea every morning so I have to make myself eat. I still think I‘ve been much, much better since being put on medication, and these side effects are apparently very common and “normal”, but it’s just so confusing. Sex is another thing, I’ve always had a highish sex drive, but not anymore. Now it takes me ages to orgasm so I just can’t be bothered to go through the whole thing. It is a shame because sex has always helped me relax, but I guess that’s the price you pay

So that’s it for now, I really hope some of you might find it helpful. I tried my best to blur out all TMI/sensitive info, but I have this tendency to overdo the spoilers

 

[LaBlonde]

@LaBlonde ; thanks for your wisdom. I have definitely spent a long time focusing on creating a fulfilling life and for whatever reason my strength has slipped lately. I just feel like it's all for nothing. Yes my life is objectively nice but I don't want to keep doing this alone for the next 40 years. I definitely need to shake this hollow sadness and try enjoy things again. I love Kim Cattrall, another good quote I read recently went something like 'falling in love can be the icing on the cake, but cake is already pretty good on its own'. Hopefully I can keep that in mind more often.

here it is, i knew i would find it somewhere!

BBC Radio 4 - Woman's Hour, Takeover Week: Kim Cattrall

Kim Cattrall sets out her themes as guest editor in a frank interview with Jane Garvey.

www.bbc.co.uk

the way that you’re feeling is completely valid. i always struggle with how “easy” other people seem to find it and that naturally leads into well, what’s wrong with me. i’m not unattractive, i’m smart, good job, own house etc but i don’t think i’ve ever really caused strong romantic feelings in anyone.

the only thing i would say is that love can literally happen at any time. a colleague of mine has just married, for the first time, to a man she adores, at 52. the late great betty white didn’t meet her husband, the love of her life, until her early 40s. i have many friends who only really met the person they wanted to spend their life with from their late 30s onwards.

it’s important to make your life, however that life may be, a happy and safe place for yourself. it’s easy to look on social media etc and think that couples have something you lack, but people can feel equally lonely in relationships too. it’s sadly all too natural to rose tint things from the outside though.

the most important relationship you’re ever going to have is with yourself. treat yourself kindly and with love x

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I am so sorry to hear that. Is it a few specific job at a company/organization that you want or can you find similar jobs that would accept what you’ve studied so far?

Yes, there are options, but I was aiming for this specific one and it’s hard to accept it’s slipping away like sand through fingers. The application process only takes place once a year, and last year I did not qualify so I spent a whole year retraining only to find out the bar has been lifted again. It’s ridiculous. I really messed up when choosing my degree years ago, and I refuse to believe that a stupid mistake I made as a teenager means I will never get my dream job. I’m not giving up just yet, but I’m trying to mentally prepare for another failure so it does not hit hard when/if it happens.

Thank you for always taking the time to reply darling, you are so kind to me

That sucks, but is there something you can do to make up the qualification? They can’t possibly just change it without giving people a chance to convert. I’ve wanted to change my career for a long time, but am so sucked into the fact that I can never earn as much as I do now that it’s impossible. I was saving to buy a place outright, but after my breakdown and Covid, my savings have depleted by half and I have to just suck it up in order to try and get my savings back. I’m too old to retrain and try and survive on my own now and I never want to rely on a man or anyone else to live. But I feel you, I know this isn’t my life's purpose so it does get me down too!

I guess I might spend another year, but all of these failures make me question myself. Maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe it’s not meant to be. I don’t know.
And I know exactly what you mean, I’m okay with earning less if it means having a job that I like instead of a high paying one that would be killing me slowly, but even that is not possible and I am not ready to settle for something that neither pays nor brings satisfaction.
I don’t know your age, but surely you are not “too old”. Could you possibly keep your current job while looking for other opportunities in the field you want to work in? Maybe try and get some experience there like volunteering, short-time projects? Or there might be jobs that marry the two field?

I am sad today because I’m back to 145 lbs. I was awfully suicidal in May (couldn’t leave bed for a month) and it led to a 10-lb weight loss. My whole family told me that I looked great at 135 lbs and that I was fat before. I’ve worked so hard with my psychologist and doctor from May until mid-June to get out of the suicidal headspace. I’ve started eating again since the beginning of June. And now I am back to 145 lbs, which I think should be something that shows that I bounced back. But I’m super stressed about my weight gain although it was my happy weight before. Just stepped on the scale and I hated seeing the numbers.

Oh dear, I’m so sorry! Please don’t let anyone tell you how to look and what to do with your looks. It’s your body and your choice.

My BFF is in remission from ED and I just went and threw away her scale. Focusing on your weight too much can lead to a lot of stress because it is meant to fluctuate during your cycle regardless of your eating habits and workouts. My therapist suggests transforming your mindset so you can love the body you have instead of tailoring your body to the beauty standards you are exposed to. I know it’s much easier said than done, and I am not trying to preach at you, that’s just my two cents.

I’m always here to listen and send virtual hugs

 

[aidil]

Sorry to quote myself but quick update on this, was prescribed sertraline today. Doctor was incredibly lovely. Was feeling positive about it and then a well-meaning friend told me alllll about alllllll the side effects in the first two weeks. But another friend said the only thing they experienced was weird dreams. I think I’m just going to start them tomorrow and not overthink it!

Well done you! Does it feel like a slight weight has lifted just by telling someone? I panicked about the side effects too but thought anything is worth a shot! I’m four days in now - first day was awful but only had slight sweats and unsettled sleep since (which I’m used to with the anxiety anyway!!). I’ve found taking it with food helps with the nausea

 

[TapToBoreMeRigid]

Hi all. I rang the doc and the receptionist is having the doc call me tomorrow morning. I've experienced akathesia on a med before and that was bad but different to this. Looks like I'll have to try another medicine. Daunting. I'm exhausting my options.

 

[Maid22]

I had a big spiral last week, did up my meds and really made myself go out for a long walk to try to clear, haven't felt 'right' for a few months, Im very reluctant to ring for a drs app, did try, but the receptionist was horrible, she should work for border control!! So I gave up, anyways today I cleared out a cupboard I haven't touched for years, got rid of soo many books, then found a box, it had soo memories in it, some good, alot bad, all went in a black bag, felt good at the time, but now I feel like crap.

 

[Lana.lee]

Wow. This thread breaks my heart, but also inspires me.

To everyone here - especially those who are struggling - you are doing great.

You may not see it at the moment but you are strong and you are brave.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I'm so sorry to read this, you're one on here who has so much good advice for others. I can so understand those thoughts, I'm surprised I'm still here tbh, I really hope you get to see someone soon , sending love x

Thank you love, I think everyone here gives good advice because we’re not judgmental or freaked out by what people go through. I’m so so sorry you know what it’s like. Sending love to you too, and thank you so much for your kind words, I really hope you’re doing ok x

Are there any MH phone services available near you? An emergency room or hospital? I think it would be good for you to talk to a professional and I don’t know how to push you to the front of the line so you don’t have to wait.
I know that here in the US, if you say you are feeling like harming yourself, you will be escorted to the mental health wing (or floor or building, whatever) and you have to stay for at least 72 hours. You get counseling and your medication will be reviewed. I really hope you have something similar. Life changes like the sky, so watch for when the clouds in your life clear, because they will.

There are yes, and in theory that would be what I’d do. I’ve been though this before and I called the emergency line for the MH hospital because I was terrifed I was going to hurt myself. But the guy on the phone said that they couldn’t see me since I was already on a waiting list.
I think here in the uk, mental health services are already so stretched that they can only deal with so much, and luckily for me it’s “just” thoughts and not actions.

BUT I don’t want my experience to put anyone else off of seeking help. I was just unlucky that day.

Thank you for your sweet words @Silverplume you’re so right, and I will try to remember that x

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way @hereforthememe. Are your antidepressants compatible with alcohol? Either way, try to get a good night’s sleep if possible, I hope you feel better tomorrow! I’m here if you need somebody to talk to

 

[Libbylulu]

I am very low and lonely today. I realized yesterday that I started liking someone and I really hate that feeling. Because everyone leaves. I am so lonely but so mortified to get attached to people again. I don’t know how to cope with that. I am scared.

Low and lonely is such a shit feeling. Sending you big hugs. Don’t feel mortified, let things play out - not everyone leaves, only those you don’t need in your life, those who don’t deserve you. It may sound corny but 100% true!

 

[justheretoread99]

Does anyone just avoid stuff because it causes so much anxiety.

Yes. Really trivial stuff too.

I avoid replying to certain emails at work because I just know the tone that their going to reply with. So I sit with loads of unread and flagged emails in my inbox which then makes me more anxious.

I avoid the work kitchen at certain times because I know people will be in there and I can’t bare the awkward small talk. Even if I’m really thirsty or need the toilet it’s as if I’m frozen and glued to my office chair.

I avoid putting petrol in my car. I don’t know why it just makes me panic. I’ve been driving almost 10 years and I still can’t use the pumps without them clicking and nothing comes out. So I end up free-wheeling until my cars beeping at my with the warning “low fuel sign” and I have to fill up.

I sell a lot of clothes on depop/eBay and for some reason going to the post office makes me anxious. I leave it a few days and then panic and end up sending everything first class so I don’t get bad reviews.

Also avoid going to the manned checkouts in supermarkets. Even if they’re empty I’d rather stand in a small queue and wait for a self-service check out.