The Depression Thread

[nothanksbabes]

I am not really expecting any replies but I am in such a horrible place right now and just need to write it down. This morning my sister, who I generally get on well with but who is very nosey (I’m 99% sure she reads on here because she is always looking at my screen or search history…if so, hey Alex, thanks for everything), told my parents about my experience with depression and antidepressants. She was supposed to keep it secret, my parents are quite old-fashioned, don’t believe in depression, ‘hearing about your problems makes us feel bad’ kind of people and I preferred not to tell them. There was an ugly scene and now I’m locked in the bathroom crying and late for everything. I just cannot believe the people who are supposed to be your support system can be so cruel to you, so many strangers on the Internet are much kinder and more understanding than they are. I don’t even know what to do or if I should do anything at all, I just can’t keep it to myself anymore.

Oh this sounds horrid. I hope you're OK. It'll pass but it's really awful when you're in it. Thinking of you

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I feel this. My sleep cycle is awful I don’t fall asleep till 8 or 9 am I’m awake all night just in silence it’s so horrible. At least in the day there are some distractions

Ugh thats a horrific sleep cycle, I really feel for you Butterflies. It is just SO hard trying to get through the day when you’ve not slept. You don’t have to answer this, but are you getting help? I hope so

 

[jarv]

@Gem_woody so much of what you say resonates with me. I feel so guilty for feeling so low because realistically my life is good and it's easy going, I have to keep reminding myself depression and anxiety are relative and irrational. I also don't really want to go through the motions of life anymore and can't seem to work out how to find a way back to enjoying life. I really want to be a parent and get married and own a home but I'm not sure I'll cope. My mum had depression over the years as I was growing up and I had to carry so much of that to support her. I don't resent her for it and I understand things were hard for her, but I wouldn't want to end up relying on my kids. I know people with depression have kids all the time and are amazing parents so that's not me bashing any parents btw, I just think for me personally I question if I can cope.

 

[or JusRollWithIt]

I’m calling my dr on Monday. I can’t do this alone. thanks everyone

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I was really struggling tonight. I got quite drunk for fun as I’d had a good week but then started feel really low and wanting to sh. I then (silently) danced around and decided to pierce my second helix. I’ve tried a few times and failed but managed to this time. I’m not sure if it was the best thing to do but I do feel better now. I had a call with my unis well-being service and I think I’m a bit wound up over it. Now I have the potentiality of getting help I don’t want it because I don’t want to face things.

Omg @Blue Rose I really feel for you. Saturday morning will maybe not be easy, but please, please be kind to yourself.

It’s a brilliant thing that you’ve called your uni’s well-being service. I totally understand all the ”agghhh” that comes with it, that’s normal. Facing things is sooo hard, I still struggle with it. But you can do it.

In my experience (and this is all it is), facing things is doable if you can trust the person you speak to. If you can’t, please keep on. Talk it through with us if you feel like it. Take your time love, your post here shows that deep down you care enough about yourself, even if it doesn’t seem that way x

Oh just knowing I’m not alone in this helps a lot! Thank you so much for your kind words and for reaching out, it means the world to me. I’m actually doing slightly better today, don’t want to jinx it but it’s nowhere near as bad as it was last week. I hope you overcome this, take care of yourself too How are you today?

It’s such an isolating feeling, and out brains make us think we’re alone. It’s why it’s a relief to see that other people get that too. Don’t jinx it lovely! I’m so relieved for you!
Yas! I’ve done what I should have done weeks ago and arranged an appointment with my gp. I’m gutted my meds aren’t helping but I’m so grateful to have a nice doctor who will listen.

 

[Gullri]

Sick and tired of social media. The sickly, happy photos. The excess…erghk!

I know, don’t look at the crap for a few days

 

[caterday28]

My partner has recently had some good news and has been really happy and so positive about our future. I'm struggling a lot but he seems fairly oblivious to it (he knows I still struggle with my mental health, it's chronic at this point, but he hasn't clocked how hard it is right now). Anyway, I am finding it REALLY difficult to be around him. Obviously I want him to be happy! But I'm so irritable and it's grating on me. I just want to be alone, in a dark room, in bed under my duvet. I don't want to speak to or see anyone. It's making me feel worse because I seem like such a horrible person. I think I'm hiding my irritability well - I'm not snapping at him etc. Can anyone relate?

 

[Maid22]

I've been on antidepressants for about a week or so and I am extremely emotionally blunted. I want to cry, I feel it coming but no tears. I'm really struggling with this. I feel so indifferent to everything right now. I've been on all sorts of medication for my mental health since I was 17 but I've never really felt like this. Does it get better?

From my experience, I had to try a few before I found one that helped, you have to give it time for it to work, ( I also changed doctors as the first one prescribed me Amitriptyline, I put on a stone in 2 weeks, not from eating apparently it's a side affect,, his attitude was there's no calories in the tab and to go to Waterstones to buy a book on anxiety and depression) Just try to give them time to work, if not go back to your doctor, hope you feel better soon.

 

[Tanne1999]

Relationship is in pieces right now. Head is in such an awful place, I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want in life anymore, I feel like I’m just existing.

Part of me just wants to go on the self destructive path again and just slowly put an end to it all. The other half of me wants to get better and make a life I’m proud of. I just don’t know how to.

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

I have the opposite problem now. After years of putting on a smile and spending all my time listening to my friends problems, whilst not once being asked how I was, I decided enough was enough and did a total clear out of friends I felt I was always contacting and initiating meet ups with, only to be ranted at or ear bended like I was Claire Raynor. Now I have no one to talk to. My real mates in Oz are so busy with their own lives I don’t want to bother them, so I spend all my time by myself.

My family absolutely suck too and the only person I see is my mum, because she guilts me into in (I’m seeing her today and really would rather not). I’m not actually that bothered about being alone because I have really bad trust issues and opening up to people would be too traumatic anyway, so when I go to the gym or online at work I’m Miss happy and jokey, which suits me because I can’t be miserable all the time anymore, it’s exhausting.

Ironically, before the pandemic I was meant to go to group counselling to try and open up more and learn to trust, but I moved and now I’m back to square one with a new therapist - starting this week. Which actually is a good thing because although I don’t really want to go over all my old issues, I think I probably need to because nothing has changed for me since 2019.

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

@Raymond Luxury-Yacht thank you for asking, I've had a really bad time, but am coming through it now, I hate how it makes me feel, the lost days etc x
Hope everyone else on here are ok.

They aren’t lost days any more than sick days when you have flu, are lost days. You may need a day to recover/sleep/nurture yourself when having tricky times with therapy. That is NOT laziness/wasteful/indulgent etc. it’s necessary to keep your strength up, and to stay mentally and emotionally resilient enough to continue with the therapy.

I had therapy when I was in my early 20s. It was to deal with something huge. I had it on tuesday afternoons. I needed up going part time at work because I’d get so agitated on Tuesday mornings knowing I had to have therapy that day, that I couldn’t manage at work. Luckily I was living at home so could afford to.

It’s so hard. You are being courageous and sensible giving yourself the nurturing you need to get through this.

 

[she.doesnt.even.go.here]

I’m so sorry for everyone going through this…reading your experiences makes me feel
less alone but also so sad that we’re all just enduring this, trying to survive. 🤍 I have just received my referral for counselling for depression. I’m struggling. I’ve had anxiety for 15 years but manage it ok now as I’ve have had CBT a few times before, but still, it’s always there.
This year has been so deeply challenging and now I’m completely depressed and can’t see the point in life. It all feels so dark. My Dad, who was my favourite person, died a few months ago. It was a completely unexpected and sudden death which has been very traumatic to deal with. Other people around me not understanding grief, at all, has made things worse, which is sad.
My husband and I have been trying for our first baby for 10 months. I have some health issues which are affecting my fertility and they need to be sorted (multiple large uterine fibroids) I’m having an MRI soon. We waited until mid thirties to try for our baby because I had horrendous birth phobia linked to anxiety for 10 years.

Knowing my Dad will never meet my kids if I ever have them now makes my heart ache.

My close friend became pregnant with twins really quickly earlier this year and I’m finding it hard. I’m happy they’re happy I just wish I had some happiness too. Her Dad is still alive too.

Then to top it all off we are in the middle of a renovation project so don’t have a finished home, and have the constant stress of renovation decisions. I don’t mean we’re redecorating, I mean we’ve had builders in, bathroom demolished, kitchen demolished etc. Basically everything is a mess, my relatively simple life has fallen apart. I’m mid thirties and I can’t see a way forward, but I’m just trying to keep swimming. Sending love to all of you who are suffering. X

 

[boomska]

I'm feeling really down tonight. So down.

 

[under the ivy]

Hello and big hugs

I’m sick of these mood swings I keep having. My moods are a rollercoaster at the moment - one minute I’m happy and spontaneous then the next I go extremely low and feel lost. I know it’s symptomatic of my BPD but People think I’m confident and brash (which I am) but it’s a front for my anxiety. I’ve been out most of the morning and constantly felt like people are staring at me thinking I’m ugly. I’m not looking for sympathy at all but I feel like this is a safe space. I don’t really have many people to talk to IRL so I’m sorry if my posts are triggering or repetitive!

 

[watermelon sugar]

Maybe it’s my mental disabilities combined with my hormonal birth control but I’ve been finding myself in extreme highs and lows in terms of mood. Was stupid and didn’t take my meds yesterday and I couldn’t sleep. I learned my lesson. Back on it tonight, I promise.
I find it very depressing that I don’t really have friends in this town still. Moving alone during a pandemic was a horrible idea in terms of MH. I know one girl and we hang out once every month or so but that’s about it. I have social anxiety along with depression and BPD (I like to call them the trifecta lmao) so it’s very hard for me to make friends. I used to try but over time I’ve learned that a lot of people don’t even reach out first or even text first. I always end up initiating things and as much as I love planning and being in control of my schedule, it gets tiring and sad. It’s as if no one wants to be friends. I am very lucky to have an awesome team of medical professions who help me tremendously but it’d be nice to have a friend or two.

I know exactly how you feel! I have no friends either. I have a girl mate who i am friends with because her partner is friends with my boyfriend and we both have babies. It feels a bit forced though? Like not a proper friend. I like the comfort of having support on Tattle but sometimes I wish I had that support in real life too. It's a shame we can't pm really

 

[Bluepop]

Feeling very numb and weepy today, I just had my 2nd session of CBT and tbh so far it's just left me dwelling in negative emotions rather than any better. I know it's early and I just need to trust it but so far I've come out of it frustrated with myself because I've carefully engineered a positive outward image over the years & I'm finding it hard to honestly talk about just how negatively I view myself & how negative my outlook is. Like in answer to 'how are you' I went for 'not bad thanks' and now only in writing this out can I admit that I was very low this week, cried for hours yesterday & was holding back tears throughout the session. :/ I wish she could just read my mind and I could feel understood that way

It sounds like you’re going through a lot now and it’s really hard to admit when you’re not actually okay especially when you’re someone who puts on a brave face. The fact that you’re going to CBT is a huge step and you should be proud of yourself. Having these feelings doesn’t make you weak and it’s not something to be ashamed of I can totally relate to everything you’ve said, you will have a breakthrough when you’re ready don’t give up.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I’m really struggling with a breakup, I can’t eat or sleep and really don’t know how I’m supposed to cope with this. I don’t know if I’m depressed or just anxious but i need to try and speak to a doctor next week.

One moment at a time. I know it sounds simplistic. Just try to get through the next 1 min and nothing else. I woke up with a anxiety attack this morning.

I'm just focusing on distractions right now which for me is just watching youtube videos one after the other.

 

[isabellalovescats]

I have been so depressed since last weekend. I have been having bad dreams or oversleeping. I haven’t been productive. I miss my ex. And I feel fat.

 

[barmcake]

thank you for listening, it means the world to me. I’ve tried talking to friends about it but they just brush it off because I’m known as the ‘fun one who loves to party’

I’ve started making a list tonight of triggers to discuss on Tuesday

I just want to say a word about friends from my own perspective.

There should never be a time where you think your friends are talking about you, making a post about you or being shady towards you! First of all be careful about using the word 'friend'. There's a big difference between REAL friends, STREET friends, WORK friends, NEIGHBOURS & ENTERTAINMENT friends. Just because you play cards together, shop together, work together, party together or have good times together, doesn’t mean that person is LOYAL TO YOU or has your back in a real life situations!

I'm sure your friends are genuine but all company isn’t good company! All friends ain’t good friends! I have confided in people who have then turned that information against me. Sorry to ramble on but I think sharing on this kind of platform is good as you are anonymous and I find myself comforted by the good people on this platform. The only people that understand are those who know the 'black dog'. Sending good thoughts to you and don't ever give up the fight. xx

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I started on Amitriptylene earlier this year and instantly felt better. It was like I got my mojo back - I got back to the gym, tracked my calories to lose weight, generally looked after myself better.

A few weeks ago a colleague was killed in an accident, and it’s really knocked me back. She was a lovely person who had young children, always had time for everyone and I keep wondering why I’m still here and someone who loved life was taken. I am so unhappy. My job used to be my lifeline but it’s been tough over the last few months. I’ve got a son who has developmental delay and is autistic and I was feeling like I’d accepted that too but I can’t bear it again. I feel back at square one and I feel so low. My husband and I are like brother and sister but I can be honest with him.

Spoiler: Suicidal Thoughts

@jarv I saw your post on page 1 and feel exactly the same. Taking my own life is never that far from my thoughts but I’m scared of dying. I’ve convinced myself that my son wouldn’t miss me and looking at the way his autism etc manifests itself, I genuinely believe that to be true. I’m just so tired of one step forward, two steps back. It’s so tired and draining.

I feel better for just typing this out. Sending love to everyone