The Depression Thread

[isabellalovescats]

I am sad today because I’m back to 145 lbs. I was awfully suicidal in May (couldn’t leave bed for a month) and it led to a 10-lb weight loss. My whole family told me that I looked great at 135 lbs and that I was large before. I’ve worked so hard with my psychologist and doctor from May until mid-June to get out of the suicidal headspace. I’ve started eating again since the beginning of June. And now I am back to 145 lbs, which I think should be something that shows that I bounced back. But I’m super stressed about my weight gain although it was my happy weight before. Just stepped on the scale and I hated seeing the numbers.

Last time I tried sleeping pills it took me days to stop feeling drowsy

Ask your GP if there’s any meds that are not sleeping pills but are for your MH condition and will still help with sleep. That’s how I got the meds that helped out somewhat.

 

[rainbowlemon]

Do any of you with MH issues find that you hoard stuff?

I used to be bad with impulse purchases. At one point I had 26 different shades of red lipsticks. Now i'm the exact opposite. Haven't bought any new make up in three years. I've gone a full year without buying any new clothes. The two years before that I bought two items of clothing. I realised for me I was always waiting for the next lipstick release to make me happy but it would fade. The stuff didn't make me happy.

 

[Penguin86]

I am sad today because I’m back to 145 lbs. I was awfully suicidal in May (couldn’t leave bed for a month) and it led to a 10-lb weight loss. My whole family told me that I looked great at 135 lbs and that I was large before. I’ve worked so hard with my psychologist and doctor from May until mid-June to get out of the suicidal headspace. I’ve started eating again since the beginning of June. And now I am back to 145 lbs, which I think should be something that shows that I bounced back. But I’m super stressed about my weight gain although it was my happy weight before. Just stepped on the scale and I hated seeing the numbers.



Ask your GP if there’s any meds that are not sleeping pills but are for your MH condition and will still help with sleep. That’s how I got the meds that helped out somewhat.

Yeah I'm gonna have to. I just hate talking to the doctors about my MH. I still feel ashamed

I used to be bad with impulse purchases. At one point I had 26 different shades of red lipsticks. Now i'm the exact opposite. Haven't bought any new make up in three years. I've gone a full year without buying any new clothes. The two years before that I bought two items of clothing. I realised for me I was always waiting for the next lipstick release to make me happy but it would fade. The stuff didn't make me happy.

Yeah I'm not as bad as I used to be. I got myself in debt by using catalogues and not being able to pay them back.

Well i just threw loads of eyeliners and lipsticks away. I like rarely wear lipstick.

 

[rainbowlemon]

Yeah I'm gonna have to. I just hate talking to the doctors about my MH. I still feel ashamed


Yeah I'm not as bad as I used to be. I got myself in debt by using catalogues and not being able to pay them back.

Well i just threw loads of eyeliners and lipsticks away. I like rarely wear lipstick.

There's a few charities that would in the past still take old make up and give them to other women. Not sure if they're stil doing that though with covid and all.

I am sad today because I’m back to 145 lbs. I was awfully suicidal in May (couldn’t leave bed for a month) and it led to a 10-lb weight loss. My whole family told me that I looked great at 135 lbs and that I was large before. I’ve worked so hard with my psychologist and doctor from May until mid-June to get out of the suicidal headspace. I’ve started eating again since the beginning of June. And now I am back to 145 lbs, which I think should be something that shows that I bounced back. But I’m super stressed about my weight gain although it was my happy weight before. Just stepped on the scale and I hated seeing the numbers.



Ask your GP if there’s any meds that are not sleeping pills but are for your MH condition and will still help with sleep. That’s how I got the meds that helped out somewhat.

Your body is more than a number and it does show that you have bounced back. Could you hide the scale for now?

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I am so sorry to hear that. Is it a few specific job at a company/organization that you want or can you find similar jobs that would accept what you’ve studied so far?

Yes, there are options, but I was aiming for this specific one and it’s hard to accept it’s slipping away like sand through fingers. The application process only takes place once a year, and last year I did not qualify so I spent a whole year retraining only to find out the bar has been lifted again. It’s ridiculous. I really messed up when choosing my degree years ago, and I refuse to believe that a stupid mistake I made as a teenager means I will never get my dream job. I’m not giving up just yet, but I’m trying to mentally prepare for another failure so it does not hit hard when/if it happens.

Thank you for always taking the time to reply darling, you are so kind to me

That sucks, but is there something you can do to make up the qualification? They can’t possibly just change it without giving people a chance to convert. I’ve wanted to change my career for a long time, but am so sucked into the fact that I can never earn as much as I do now that it’s impossible. I was saving to buy a place outright, but after my breakdown and Covid, my savings have depleted by half and I have to just suck it up in order to try and get my savings back. I’m too old to retrain and try and survive on my own now and I never want to rely on a man or anyone else to live. But I feel you, I know this isn’t my life's purpose so it does get me down too!

I guess I might spend another year, but all of these failures make me question myself. Maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe it’s not meant to be. I don’t know.
And I know exactly what you mean, I’m okay with earning less if it means having a job that I like instead of a high paying one that would be killing me slowly, but even that is not possible and I am not ready to settle for something that neither pays nor brings satisfaction.
I don’t know your age, but surely you are not “too old”. Could you possibly keep your current job while looking for other opportunities in the field you want to work in? Maybe try and get some experience there like volunteering, short-time projects? Or there might be jobs that marry the two field?

I am sad today because I’m back to 145 lbs. I was awfully suicidal in May (couldn’t leave bed for a month) and it led to a 10-lb weight loss. My whole family told me that I looked great at 135 lbs and that I was large before. I’ve worked so hard with my psychologist and doctor from May until mid-June to get out of the suicidal headspace. I’ve started eating again since the beginning of June. And now I am back to 145 lbs, which I think should be something that shows that I bounced back. But I’m super stressed about my weight gain although it was my happy weight before. Just stepped on the scale and I hated seeing the numbers.

Oh dear, I’m so sorry! Please don’t let anyone tell you how to look and what to do with your looks. It’s your body and your choice.

My BFF is in remission from ED and I just went and threw away her scale. Focusing on your weight too much can lead to a lot of stress because it is meant to fluctuate during your cycle regardless of your eating habits and workouts. My therapist suggests transforming your mindset so you can love the body you have instead of tailoring your body to the beauty standards you are exposed to. I know it’s much easier said than done, and I am not trying to preach at you, that’s just my two cents.

I’m always here to listen and send virtual hugs

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

Yes, there are options, but I was aiming for this specific one and it’s hard to accept it’s slipping away like sand through fingers. The application process only takes place once a year, and last year I did not qualify so I spent a whole year retraining only to find out the bar has been lifted again. It’s ridiculous. I really messed up when choosing my degree years ago, and I refuse to believe that a stupid mistake I made as a teenager means I will never get my dream job. I’m not giving up just yet, but I’m trying to mentally prepare for another failure so it does not hit hard when/if it happens.

Thank you for always taking the time to reply darling, you are so kind to me



I guess I might spend another year, but all of these failures make me question myself. Maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe it’s not meant to be. I don’t know.
And I know exactly what you mean, I’m okay with earning less if it means having a job that I like instead of a high paying one that would be killing me slowly, but even that is not possible and I am not ready to settle for something that neither pays nor brings satisfaction.
I don’t know your age, but surely you are not “too old”. Could you possibly keep your current job while looking for other opportunities in the field you want to work in? Maybe try and get some experience there like volunteering, short-time projects? Or there might be jobs that marry the two field?

To be honest, my current career is my second.
My first was very low paid, very stressful but very rewarding and I left because I’d had enough of working 12 hours a day and be seen as rum by society.

I am now a consultant in my field and my day rate is over 3 times what I could earn even just doing the same job full time. The work is mostly interesting and I can do it with my eyes closed. To go back to the beginning worrying about money all the time would kill me. I spent the first 10 years out of uni living hand to mouth (I did two degrees) with my ex-husband, paying through the nose for a mortgage on a house I hated. What would fulfil me now is my own place in an area I want to be in, a dog and cat and a partner to travel with. I lost over two years with no income which is like loosing about 5 years in a full time job, so my focus now is just to be comfortable and focus my life on other things. When I say too old, I don’t mean I actually am, I mean I just don’t want to start again at my age.

That’s not to say I don’t applaud you for doing so and set backs don’t mean it’s not meant to be, it means it will be all the sweeter when you finally get there. Keep plugging away and remember to plan for the worse, but always hope for the best.

 

[Libbylulu]

Guess who is not sleeping again

Try Ashwaganda, it’s natural. It completely knocks me out.

 

[Penguin86]

So i grabbed a nap for nearly 2 hours and now I feel nauseous and headachey.

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

I’ve totally blitzed my flat today and it still feels untidy to me. Bloody OCD!

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I have had a lovely day and a horrible evening. I am at a family reunion right now, I cooked and cleaned everything and now I’m drunk and sad haha.

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

I have had a lovely day and a horrible evening. I am at a family reunion right now, I cooked and cleaned everything and now I’m drunk and sad haha.

Oh no, why sad?

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Oh no, why sad?

I know it sound selfish/childish, but I cannot stand to be around happy people right now The food was good, though haha

Thank you for asking, I hope you are having a lovely evening

 

[flutternutter]

I know it sound selfish/childish, but I cannot stand to be around happy people right now The food was good, though haha

Thank you for asking, I hope you are having a lovely evening

I find it really draining when im in a hole and everyones happy happy. Im just like oh fck off

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

I know it sound selfish/childish, but I cannot stand to be around happy people right now The food was good, though haha

Thank you for asking, I hope you are having a lovely evening

Neither selfish or childish. That would upset me too. I’m good, watching the match on my own with a cup of tea haha, so civilised! England are on fire though ha!

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I find it really draining when im in a hole and everyones happy happy. Im just like oh fck off

That’s exactly how I’m feeling now! I want to be happy for them but I just can’t. Everybody says I should be enjoying my life because I am young and relatively healthy, but that’s just not happening I am a people pleaser and keep a cheery façade so I don’t ~look~ depressed, I guess

Neither selfish or childish. That would upset me too. I’m good, watching the match on my own with a cup of tea haha, so civilised! England are on fire though ha!

Aw that sounds lovely! Enjoy the match! I am not watching but rooting for England, obviously

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

I find it really draining when im in a hole and everyones happy happy. Im just like oh fck off

I only need to be around any people to think oh just fark off will ya!

 

[lemonlime]

Met with a couple friends to have coffee today as it was her birthday for one of them. duck's sake I'm so tired of pretending to be feeling anything at all around people. I can't remember the last time where I came home and my fake smile or "people face" immediately didn't change into a blank stare. I feel like I am contantly pretending to be normal and forcing myself to act in a way that is expected of me in any social situation. Thursday night was another friend's birthday and I truly adore her with all my heart, but towards the end of my stay there, I started to feel that I was almost on auto-pilot. I was saying things that I should say, laughing at things that I should laugh at and genuinely appearing to be having a good time but I swear I felt my consciousness rise above me and watch my phsyical self do these things as I thought "I just wanna go home". I'm really happy that I'm not in the same place I was a decade ago as I could barely leave my home to do my shopping, but I am also tired of everything being a struggle. I don't even want to be normal anymore, I just want to be left alone and do things at my own pace. Thank god for masks because for now, I can keep my hollow stare on and they'll just assume they can't read my expression because of the mask.

Edit: Feeling worse for having written this because admitting how I am actually feeling (apart from passing cynical comments and sarcastic jokes) feels like finally giving into this and jinxing myself when I am at least functioning. This is tit.

 

[MunHun]

Met with a couple friends to have coffee today as it was her birthday for one of them. duck's sake I'm so tired of pretending to be feeling anything at all around people. I can't remember the last time where I came home and my fake smile or "people face" immediately didn't change into a blank stare. I feel like I am contantly pretending to be normal and forcing myself to act in a way that is expected of me in any social situation. Thursday night was another friend's birthday and I truly adore her with all my heart, but towards the end of my stay there, I started to feel that I was almost on auto-pilot. I was saying things that I should say, laughing at things that I should laugh at and genuinely appearing to be having a good time but I swear I felt my consciousness rise above me and watch my phsyical self do these things as I thought "I just wanna go home". I'm really happy that I'm not in the same place I was a decade ago as I could barely leave my home to do my shopping, but I am also tired of everything being a struggle. I don't even want to be normal anymore, I just want to be left alone and do things at my own pace. Thank god for masks because for now, I can keep my hollow stare on and they'll just assume they can't read my expression because of the mask.

Edit: Feeling worse for having written this because admitting how I am actually feeling (apart from passing cynical comments and sarcastic jokes) feels like finally giving into this and jinxing myself when I am at least functioning. This is tit.

This resonates with me so much. I always feel like I’m playing a part especially in group settings which I really dislike. I am not comfortable in my own skin I tend to just want to be alone with my thoughts. I’ve struggled with my MH since childhood but have for the most part functioned. I’m that person that when you see them on the street rarely acknowledges you first and sometimes struggles to have a conversation. Internally I am highly anxious and just want to go about my business but I come off rude and feel like a big misfit. I hate it too

 

[Hope96]

It's hard having to pretend you're ok because people are fed up of you wallowing in your self pity. I want to be sad for however long I want/need to be. I'm fed up of people telling me to stop crying over my ex. I'm being told to dress up and do my make up. I don't want to do that. I'm being told to cheer up but it's not as easy as that. I absolutely despise being around people who are happy right now so I understand where others are coming from! I want to be happy. I miss being happy. I don't even remember the last time I truly felt happy.

I'm also so tired. I can't remember the last time I fell asleep and woke up feeling rested.

 

[M90]

This thread is such a good idea. It's nice to know I can come here to talk/vent about how I'm feeling. My depression has worsened over the last few months, doesn't help that I have a chronic illness that I'm having to see a specialist about