The Depression Thread #2

[JCMSadie]

My heart goes out to those with people in their lives that do the opposite of support *hugs* It's awful when people either don't get it or use it against you.

I've just spent the last 4 days filling in the work capability form for UC, as I quit my job. It was brutal... Obviously I know my issues, but having to write about them all together just made me realise what a failure and fuck up I am. I hate that I had to do that, flogging myself for some stranger at DWP to pick apart in the vain hopes that after 20 years of full time work someone *might* think I'm worthy of some crumbs to live on. Horrible system. It's really made me feel even worse about myself and where I've ended up.

 

[no-no]

Does anyone else feel content alone? I’m never really depressed until my lifestyle is in the spotlight. I’m basically a content loner 95% of the time, I haven’t had the best experiences with family or relationships so I have a guard up but I am okay doing my own thing. Maybe in the future I’ll want to meet people but I have a huge list of things I want to do for myself and not enough hours to do them.

I was feeling fine in my routine then all the “what are you doing at the weekend?” combined with my mum throwing a strop via text because I couldn’t take a call, has really made my mood plummet this evening. I’ve been told I look like a party girl and I think me being a ‘hermit’ (i.e. never having social stories) really confuses people. They don’t know what to make of me.

I’m going to have to start pretending at work that I’ve done social stuff at the weekends. I’ll feel better in the morning, just wish things were different.

 

[altgirl]

Sorry just jumping in here..
Does anyone ever feel like they don’t want things to improve? I’m incredibly lonely and fed up of life and what I’ve had to deal with and I wish I could just disappear forever. I’ve lost both of my parents, my family are estranged and the sort of people I can’t turn to for support or any help and out of the 2 people I’d turn to one has pretty much ghosted me and he tries to avoid me and the other has really distanced herself.

 

[ilovepizza21]

@ilovepizza21 it took me ages to find a med that would 'balance' me, I know I'll be on them for the rest of my life, I had councelling years ago, but it really didn't help, I'd have to pay for it now, and tbh, I wouldn't know where to start from. I keep alot of issues inside me,as I'm sure alot of you on this thread do, but it's nice this thread is a safe place for us x

Oh yes I keep alot inside in my head I know no one really cares. I know people say they do but hand on my heart I know that's not true. All the meds ive tried they just dont work they make me feel numb and i don't want to feel any more numb then i do. I love these threads too

 

[Jotham]

I have a notebook that I write stuff down, which I think helps. And it doesn’t matter what it reads like because it’s just for me. But if I’m not having a bad day then I don’t write anything, whereas it would benefit me to go back and read the more positive stuff too.

I've been journalling since 2019 and I personally found it really helpful to write down my positive thoughts. I've saved myself multiple times from spiralling or catastrophizing by going back to previous entries when I was happy. I use a journalling/mood tracking app that makes this really convenient for me.

 

[Nellinton]

OK so I don't know where to start but , I've always had bouts of anxiety and been an over thinker I used to have the odd panic attack outside but it wasn't frequent. Anyways fast forward to last year and I started to have them nearly everytime I'd do go out even just to local shop. Now I don't go out at all take bins out I'd get to the end of the street and start feel the attack rise and I'd run back. So through not going out I started to get more down I haven't been out properly in about 4 months the panic attacks are very bad and avoid me going out my heart pounds my chest feels tight I feel tingly and numb racing thoughts it's awful .I feel so down I'm a mother of 2 and have a partner he's just been recently diagnosed with mood disorders and ptsd and started medication from docs it has me thinking I should ring the doc from myself and try out meds but I'm anxious to take them (side effects) . But I'm facing another challenge. A move. We're moving back to Leeds where my partner is from (I'm from Scotland and we live here). Due to noisy neighbours upstairs that we have been dealing with for 5 years and hasn't helped our mental state. His sister has been very supportive ( she also has been through alot and can understand and encourages meds). She says she can sort things out for us when get to Leeds and help us out . Which I'm grateful for because we don't get much help here.. but the thought of sitting in a car for 4 hours makes me panic . I feel very down I just want to sleep all the time I have not get up and go sorry this was a brain dump...

 

[tiktokscandals22]

For me personally, the worst feeling is when I am feeling numb. My body and mind knows that I am sad however isn’t allowing me to act on it by crying. It creates such a nasty suffocating feeling inside followed by intense nightmares!

 

[candyland_]

So done with trying to build relationships at work. I was chatting to a girl last week about treating myself to a certain beauty product and how much I wanted it. It’s expensive. She got me to Google it and show her etc.

Logged into morning meeting today and there’s always chatting for a few mins before we start, someone joked it was ‘Christmas 1st’ and since we got paid today we better treat ourselves, someone said ‘oh XXX like herself’ (the brand name of the product I want) and a few of them laughed including the girl I had spoken to about the product. Then the girl who made the comment obviously realised I was in the meeting and quietly said ‘oh’ before snorting with laughter and changing the subject.

sounds like a stupid thing now that I read back but I felt so small.

They sound like cunts. It’s primary school behaviour and id be saying something to her if it was me.

 

[newaccount2022]

Literally just I unwrapped some new (non-white cowboy) boots so this is on point in my defence, they were from eBay at least!

And I’m here gazing at my new Kate Somerville and Gisou stuff Maison Margiela perfume scheduled for pick up during the week and planning on ordering a takeaway tonight even though I’ve food in the press… what are we like

 

[Pollyanna263]

Thank you, it was a few years ago now, but I think of him everyday, such a waste, and will never know why he did it, but I've also been in that place where I've tried it, sometimes you just feel so worthless, so what's the point of being here. Haven't felt that low for ages now, I struggle alot though, but am on ads, which have helped.

Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to not be here, doesn’t it.

Recently I’ve heard of a handful of people - friends of friends, not people I directly know - and I’ve found myself thinking ‘I understand how they got to that point’ which in itself scared me, because a few years ago I wouldn’t have had that thought or that understanding.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I keep getting waves of low level depression. I have worked so hard to get through the worst periods of my life and awful mental health, even the low level episodes scare me.

I have so much on my plate, I feel like im living by distraction atm. The down time, rare that it is, is spent thinking about all the things I should be doing but having no energy or motivation to do them. Then comes the guilt.

I just want to sleep.

 

[itsnotmereally]

How would you explain to a receptionist at your doctors when they ask what’s the issue etc that you’re concerned about your mental health? I know it sounds really stupid but that’s the one major thing that’s putting me off ringing them because our receptionists aren’t that nice, but I really feel like I’m on the verge of a huge breakdown

TW-

Spoiler: Cancer

Cancer

my dad has recently been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer & we find out the stage of it Monday coming up & last year my mum had a cancer scare, she had a melanoma a few years back, they got rid of it but she took a huge turn for the worst last year I was honestly worried of waking up and her not being here for how unwell she was, we’ve been having problems with one of our neighbours that’s causing stress and fear quite a lot (aggression aggressive behaviour, intimidation & stuff like that) along with this I’ve been having so much pain with my stomach & I know there’s something not right, my entire body aches every day (I’m 20 I don’t think it’s normal) sometimes I fall/legs just give way, my hair is falling out in huge clumps & every day I’m having these horrific head pains / migraines that are so bad I hate being here & having all this weight on me, so it feels like. I’m on fluoxetine 20mg & propranolol for anxiety and them little pink pills have saved me so many times but I’m having to take them way more often due to anxiety and my heart racing off it’s scary, my hands shake so so bad I don’t know why but I think I’ve got a tremor but feel like doctors won’t believe me but when I’ve been in hospitals etc waiting forresults a lot of the professionals picked up on how extreme my hands were shaking uncontrollably.

I’m hardly sleeping well which seems to be a ongoing thing but if I do manage to sleep it’s for a long time & I still wake up feeling ‘worn out’ I’m struggling even taking care of myself I couldn’t tell you the last time I brushed my hair and it’s been about two weeks since I even brushed my teeth which isn’t nice to read but I’m really struggling lately & I don’t know what to do

I’m more bloody scared of ringing my doctor to have to try and explain what the issue is to the receptionist because I get anxious I end up sort of stalling and not making sense at all. I’m randomly crying all the time, I have no idea why. I’m even crying right now. I can just be sat quiet, and the next minute I’m in absolute tears & Idon’t know why. I just feel so lost at the moment & there’s so much pressure in my head (I’ve been having this & pain in my head for 2/3 months, had a brain mri done and everything seemed okay) I feel like my heads going to explode every single day. I’m feeling so nauseas & sometimes even throwing up multiple times a week & have no idea why. I tried speaking to the doctor about it, they gave me some sickness tablets and that was that really.. then they wanted to do a review of why I’m even on them & im so scared of them taking me off them because of how bad the sickness I get is & nausea, they help me so much but I know something isn’t right with me but I don’t know how I push to get help.

People have given some lovely advice and support

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and our MH can have a huge impact on our physical well-being. I struggle occasionally with working out this out!

The drs receptionists (despite their reputation ), should be well-trained in taking calls from those of us with MH issues. I remember one call when I knew I needed help and got the usual ‘no appointments’ I just burst into tears, she asked what it was for and I just kept it simple and said my mental health, and I was able to have a telephone appointment that morning.

You need to be listened to and if you don’t feel you are, ask if they can refer you to a local well-being service or anything similar. It sounds a bit like a plaster giving you sickness tablets rather than figuring out what is causing you to feel that way.

Maybe before your Drs appointment write a few bullet points of what you’ve written in your post so you can try and get it all covered. Or as much as poss.

As said above, be kind to yourself, you’ve made a huge step by asking on here.

Sending lots of love xx

 

[Evie10]

This is the first Christmas I'm not excited, because I'm missing someone that isn't here anymore. I used to adore Christmas and never understood the people who hated it, but now I get that it might be coming from a place of grief or sadness. No need to be talking about bricking windows though

 

[LennyBriscoe]

That's good! I'm really crap at trying to write stuff down, I know what I want to say, but it never comes out right, that's why sometimes on this thread, I just posts, but can relate but can't find the words, if that makes sense.

I’ve seen a lot of your posts on various threads and I always enjoy reading them.

I have a notebook that I write stuff down, which I think helps. And it doesn’t matter what it reads like because it’s just for me. But if I’m not having a bad day then I don’t write anything, whereas it would benefit me to go back and read the more positive stuff too.

 

[candyland_]

Look at me and you’ll see fresh hair, waxed brows and manicured nails but my head is a whole other story.

 

[Agent Cooper]

Such a doom and gloom post - I wonder if I was to walk away from it all, if Theyd even notice I was gone. I feel like I have a negative impact on everyone and I can’t shake the feeling

This is such a typical thought for all of us who struggle with MH issues. But they do care, believe me. Some people are just bad at showing their feelings and affection but it does not mean they do not appreciate you. Hope you feel better soon

 

[Pollyanna263]

Feel like there's no point in anything any more.

Sending you a hug
Has something happened to make you feel like this? xx

 

[loveulongtime0]

Glad I found this thread. I’m really struggling at the moment. I’ve struggled with my mental health since I was about 14 after my sister had cancer. Ever since then I’ve never been happy for a long period of time. I’ve had multiple different therapies, medications you name it. Nothing has made a difference. I’ve been on a serious decline since having my son in 2020, anxiety and depression is eating me alive. My extended family have been horrendous, they completely ignored me when it was my child’s birthday, not even a text on the day. I know it’s me, everything is my fault. I don’t have any friends. I’m invisible at work, always been too shy/quiet. Ultimately, I wish I was someone else, I wish I was pretty, confident, bubbly. I wish I wasn’t here anymore. The only reason why I’m still here is because of the guilt of leaving my child behind.

 

[candyland_]

Is it normal to need space from people you love when you’re having a tough time?

 

[Pollyanna263]

No need for anyone to reply, or even to read.
I just need a brain dump in the hope it helps, if that’s okay. I really feel that this is a safe space to do so.


I’ve reached my limit of overwhelm today.
There’s just so many things - some small and some big - all keep happing one after the other and feel like my head is going to burst with the pressure.

In between all the things, I have to keep going well enough to solo parent my two children (3 and 14) and my (crazy, annoying, but amazing) dog.

They are the reason I keep going.
But right now I honestly feel like I could just walk out the front door and not look back.
I won’t. I know I won’t. But the thoughts of walking out are still there and they make keeping going harder.