The Depression Thread #2

[Penguin86]

Previous thread

The Depression Thread

I don’t know what’s up with me - I think it’s my hormones but I’m so up and down. One day I’m happy and telling my boyfriend I love him or having fun with my friends and then I’ll have a few low days where I’ll want to end my relationship, or cut certain people out of my life and just be on my...

tattle.life

This is essentially a place for anyone who suffers from depression and other mental health issues, or is just going through a hard time right now, to be open and say what's on their mind. Other posters can be a listening ear and offer support in any way they can. Obviously this is not a substitute for professional advice or services but it can be nice to have somewhere anonynous to vent. Let's try to keep it a judgement free zone and be understanding of each other.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

thank you for the new thread @Penguin86

Spoiler: Self harm thoughts

I still feel like hurting myself, every day. It’s become so normal to me, it just feels like an itch. I feel so annoyed with myself, then my brain automatically thinks imagine stabbing yourself or breaking your own arm.

I’ve just got used to it now but it’s not normal is it.

I would never act on it, I tie myself up in knots and get exhausted trying not to, but I know I never would.

 

[Sheabutter]

I found this letter from Stephen Fry to a fan about depression and it really resonated. For anyone seeing this and feeling low, take a moment to read

It will be sunny one day

In 2006, with nobody to turn to during a bout of depression, a young lady wrote a desperate letter to someone she looked up to...

news.lettersofnote.com

 

[Silver Linings]

I always feel conflicted about celebrities who talk about depression because I get so jealous of them. Ruby Wax, Aaron Gillies, Frankie Bridge etc. I read their descriptions of how they felt and it resonates and then there’s an instant voice saying ‘Well, it’s alright for them’. If I had money or a life I could step out of and get actual help i would. So much of my life being tit is because it will never get any better so I don’t seek any help anymore. I may as well be miserable as life is pointless blah blah blah.

I am literally one half an hour at a time-ing it at the minute. Sorry for just dropping in and being grumpy. Love to all.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I always feel conflicted about celebrities who talk about depression because I get so jealous of them. Ruby Wax, Aaron Gillies, Frankie Bridge etc. I read their descriptions of how they felt and it resonates and then there’s an instant voice saying ‘Well, it’s alright for them’. If I had money or a life I could step out of and get actual help i would. So much of my life being tit is because it will never get any better so I don’t seek any help anymore. I may as well be miserable as life is pointless blah blah blah.

I am literally one half an hour at a time-ing it at the minute. Sorry for just dropping in and being grumpy. Love to all.

I wish you felt better than that Silver. I know that even “one half an hour at a time-ing it“ is an achievement though, it’s not as easy as people realise. You are worth it though x

 

[Silver Linings]

I wish you felt better than that Silver. I know that even “one half an hour at a time-ing it“ is an achievement though, it’s not as easy as people realise. You are worth it though x

As are you, my friend. x

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I feel worse than I think I’ve ever done. I feel like I can’t feel the way I do because I participate in threads, crack silly jokes and overuse gifs…but there’s something in that that makes me forget for a little bit.

I’m starting to despair about how I feel. I’m completely trapped. We are in a situation that I don’t want us to be in, I can’t accept we’re in it and can’t see how it can ever be positive. Celebrating small ‘victories’ now doesn’t even seem worth celebrating.

Work was always the place I felt in control and that I actually had even a small idea of what I was doing. Now it makes me feel like I’m drowning.

Spoiler: Thoughts of Suicide

Not a day goes by where I don’t feel like suicide is a viable option. I just don’t feel like I contribute to anything. My son doesn’t like me (he is Autistic/GDD). He’s fine when it’s just me and him but as soon as my husband is there, my son literally pushes me out the room. I don’t get affection from my husband or son and I just feel like an overweight, middle aged waste of oxygen.)

I have a telephone appointment with the Psychiatrist who oversees my care on Tuesday but there’s nothing he can do for me really. Why does life have to be so hard? Not just for me, for all of us. We all have things that have impacted on our life that we need to process and deal with and depression just makes it harder. I don’t understand what the point is.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I feel worse than I think I’ve ever done. I feel like I can’t feel the way I do because I participate in threads, crack silly jokes and overuse gifs…but there’s something in that that makes me forget for a little bit.

I’m starting to despair about how I feel. I’m completely trapped. We are in a situation that I don’t want us to be in, I can’t accept we’re in it and can’t see how it can ever be positive. Celebrating small ‘victories’ now doesn’t even seem worth celebrating.

Work was always the place I felt in control and that I actually had even a small idea of what I was doing. Now it makes me feel like I’m drowning.

Spoiler: Thoughts of Suicide

Not a day goes by where I don’t feel like suicide is a viable option. I just don’t feel like I contribute to anything. My son doesn’t like me (he is Autistic/GDD). He’s fine when it’s just me and him but as soon as my husband is there, my son literally pushes me out the room. I don’t get affection from my husband or son and I just feel like an overweight, middle aged waste of oxygen.)

I have a telephone appointment with the Psychiatrist who oversees my care on Tuesday but there’s nothing he can do for me really. Why does life have to be so hard? Not just for me, for all of us. We all have things that have impacted on our life that we need to process and deal with and depression just makes it harder. I don’t understand what the point is.

Oh Lenny. You’re such a considerate and thoughtful person, I wish you could be like that towards yourself. It’s easier said than done though, and this stupid illness makes it so hard.
I know I don’t really “know” you, but I know you well enough to know that I really like you. I’m so glad you’re here. Please keep talking to us if it helps, you’re not on your own, we’ve got your back x

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Oh Lenny. You’re such a considerate and thoughtful person, I wish you could be like that towards yourself. It’s easier said than done though, and this stupid illness makes it so hard.
I know I don’t really “know” you, but I know you well enough to know that I really like you. I’m so glad you’re here. Please keep talking to us if it helps, you’re not on your own, we’ve got your back x

Bob, I don’t know what to say, thank you. You’re a truly lovely person, someone who doesn’t feel great themselves thinking of others is awesome but then I know how ace you are anyway. The feeling is mutual Sidey B, I always hoot when I see your posts and I get where you’re coming from in a lot of different ways. I’m sorry to see you’re having a tough time and if there’s anything I can do, tag me and I will offer you a wide variety of memes, puns and gifs or someone to read and remind you how fab you are x

I always feel conflicted about celebrities who talk about depression because I get so jealous of them. Ruby Wax, Aaron Gillies, Frankie Bridge etc. I read their descriptions of how they felt and it resonates and then there’s an instant voice saying ‘Well, it’s alright for them’. If I had money or a life I could step out of and get actual help i would. So much of my life being tit is because it will never get any better so I don’t seek any help anymore. I may as well be miserable as life is pointless blah blah blah.

I am literally one half an hour at a time-ing it at the minute. Sorry for just dropping in and being grumpy. Love to all.

I can really identify with that. I’ve convinced myself that private therapy at 2 sessions a week would ‘cure’…if only I could afford it. And I sometimes think that it’s because I can’t afford it I feel that way - that somehow I don’t deserve it.

I’m quite open about my depression and it’s stood me in good stead so far. I think it’s good when famous people speak up as it might help break the stigma. But if I’m honest, even though I know how it works I can still think “what have THEY got to be depressed about?”

It’s just tit all round really, I wish it wasn’t a thing - or at least we could all get the help we need. Sending you love, the best receipt catcher in the world x

 

[no-no]

Reet down in the dumps today. I’ve hurt my back and haven't been able to go the gym in days and feel like I’ve lost my only grip on sanity. Unhappy with work, worried about health, tired of my wages being stolen at source for services I cannot access. This country is depressing and my personal woes are not helping matters.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I hope it is ok to post here. You said it was open to all with MH issues.

I did suffer with depression after a really awful bout of cluster headaches which together caused me to leave work permanently and isolate myself from everything.

However, my LT issues surround eating and excessive exercise but the ED thread is really triggering and makes me want to restrict. I just want to echo those of you who say that we don’t feel worth the money to heal. We were going to spend it, but then the energy crisis hit and we can’t. I am in an endless loop of shame. I know the only way to mend is through therapy. I cannot do this alone. Is the rest of life going to be filled with constant internal arguments?

Sorry for a slight derail. Please let me know if you want me to hightail it to another thread.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I hope it is ok to post here. You said it was open to all with MH issues.

I did suffer with depression after a really awful bout of cluster headaches which together caused me to leave work permanently and isolate myself from everything.

However, my LT issues surround eating and excessive exercise but the ED thread is really triggering and makes me want to restrict. I just want to echo those of you who say that we don’t feel worth the money to heal. We were going to spend it, but then the energy crisis hit and we can’t. I am in an endless loop of shame. I know the only way to mend is through therapy. I cannot do this alone. Is the rest of life going to be filled with constant internal arguments?

Sorry for a slight derail. Please let me know if you want me to hightail it to another thread.

ITT, I obviously can’t speak for everyone but I have no objection to your post being here. I think it should be a safe space for as many as possible, and mental health is such a complex thing that means different things to everyone.

I totally identify with the money side of things. I feel annoyed that there’s no talk therapy available - even if I got six sessions, I know it would help.

Someone recommended a book to me and I’m waiting for it to arrive. “Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before” by Dr Julie Smith. My husband is listening to the audiobook and he thinks I’ll get a lot from it. I’ll post a bit more once I get into it.

Sending you lots of love

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

ITT, I obviously can’t speak for everyone but I have no objection to your post being here. I think it should be a safe space for as many as possible, and mental health is such a complex thing that means different things to everyone.

I totally identify with the money side of things. I feel annoyed that there’s no talk therapy available - even if I got six sessions, I know it would help.

Someone recommended a book to me and I’m waiting for it to arrive. “Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before” by Dr Julie Smith. My husband is listening to the audiobook and he thinks I’ll get a lot from it. I’ll post a bit more once I get into it.

Sending you lots of love

Thank you .

I think I saw her referenced by someone else I follow as that name vaguely rings a bell. It will be really useful to have your opinions-I would take anything at this point to try and make a difference.

Will that internal dialogue ever end though? I know therapy helps. I have seen it. But in the worst moments, I just cannot see my brain ever playing ball.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Hello lovelies.
I’m really sorry, I haven’t read back on other posts but I hope everyone is managing as well as possible


Has anyone taken Amitriptyline? Could you give me an honest review?

I have diagnoses of PTSD and depression.
I’ve had an appointment with a new psychiatrist for a second opinion (as original psych was awful) and he’s recommended changing my current meds.

At the moment I take Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine and Quetiapine. He wants me to wean off of Mirtazapine, and swap from Venlafaxine to Amitriptyline.

I’m hesitant because I don’t want anything which is too sedating overnight, as I’m alone with my children. (It’s rare they wake but I won’t risk not hearing them.)

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Thank you .

I think I saw her referenced by someone else I follow as that name vaguely rings a bell. It will be really useful to have your opinions-I would take anything at this point to try and make a difference.

Will that internal dialogue ever end though? I know therapy helps. I have seen it. But in the worst moments, I just cannot see my brain ever playing ball.

In my experience, there have been long periods without an internal dialogue. Mine manifests in self-loathing and it never completely goes but it’s not prominent all the time. It is just now. I feel overwhelmed at the moment, with everything. But this too shall pass, I believe that.

You know I’m a big advocate of the 12-Steps, have you had a look into them? I genuinely believe that you don’t have to have any sort of addiction to benefit from them as it gives you a new way of thinking about the past and also encourages you to do what you can to live in the day

Hello lovelies.
I’m really sorry, I haven’t read back on other posts but I hope everyone is managing as well as possible


Has anyone taken Amitriptyline? Could you give me an honest review?

I have diagnoses of PTSD and depression.
I’ve had an appointment with a new psychiatrist for a second opinion (as original psych was awful) and he’s recommended changing my current meds.

At the moment I take Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine and Quetiapine. He wants me to wean off of Mirtazapine, and swap from Venlafaxine to Amitriptyline.

I’m hesitant because I don’t want anything which is too sedating overnight, as I’m alone with my children. (It’s rare they wake but I won’t risk not hearing them.)

Hello! I currently take Amitriptylene and despite what’s happening just now, I would say it’s been so far so good for me.

I take 25mg in the morning and as of today I’m 75mg at night. I’ll come back to you about whether I notice a deeper sleep but on 50mg at night, I would still hear my son getting up.

The worst side effect I’ve had is struggling to have a wee at night. It’s no bother during the day and I drink a lot of water but my last wee of the night takes a while to happen.

I had a phone consultation with the Psychiatrist today and after I explained how I was feeling, he suggested upping the night time dose, just to see how it goes.

I couldn’t tell you the amount of different anti-depressants I’ve had. I had been taking Lithium before this - I felt awful and gained loads of weight but I’ve felt more stable on Amitriptylene. Hope it works well for you

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Hello lovelies.
I’m really sorry, I haven’t read back on other posts but I hope everyone is managing as well as possible


Has anyone taken Amitriptyline? Could you give me an honest review?

I have diagnoses of PTSD and depression.
I’ve had an appointment with a new psychiatrist for a second opinion (as original psych was awful) and he’s recommended changing my current meds.

At the moment I take Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine and Quetiapine. He wants me to wean off of Mirtazapine, and swap from Venlafaxine to Amitriptyline.

I’m hesitant because I don’t want anything which is too sedating overnight, as I’m alone with my children. (It’s rare they wake but I won’t risk not hearing them.)

I was on it for pain relief but even at that dose (it did nothing for my pain) I lasted 2 weeks before I took myself off it. I ended up disaffected and feeling quite out of it.

However, it is a common drug used for people with my condition and many people find that It is ok. My MIL was on it for another reason and is fine. I think with anything, you just have to try for yourself. There are horror stories everywhere. I am on something called topiramate and if you read about that you would think why is it ever given but I am fine.

I hope you get some resolution whatever route you go down.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

In my experience, there have been long periods without an internal dialogue. Mine manifests in self-loathing and it never completely goes but it’s not prominent all the time. It is just now. I feel overwhelmed at the moment, with everything. But this too shall pass, I believe that.

You know I’m a big advocate of the 12-Steps, have you had a look into them? I genuinely believe that you don’t have to have any sort of addiction to benefit from them as it gives you a new way of thinking about the past and also encourages you to do what you can to live in the day

Your words are so reassuring, particularly at this time of night, when things don’t seem so calm.

I never thought the 12-Steps would be open to someone like me. Can you access it other ways without taking resources from those who are in more need?

Hoping everyone is having a restful night.

 

[barmcake]

At the moment I don't have highs and lows, just lows with occassional "deeper lows". I have absolutely no desire to experience life, not because I think it's impossible for good things to happen, but quite simply ... I have seen enough and tried enough.

I'm old now, and life is easier because I don't have to worry about mortgages, relationships, jobs or my looks. When I was middle-aged I remember being very down, not because I was middle-aged but because I was only half way through life. I had a good job, a social life and great clothes, but wasted my time yearning for a different life. Being an idler with no money suits me.

The strain of having to put on a front and be successful was too much for me. I did manage to do it but I would never advise anyone to follow that path. Owning a house and having the latest fashion is useless, if the inside of your mind is fit to burst. As one poster said, just live for the day and don't beat yourself up about 'what you're not'.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Your words are so reassuring, particularly at this time of night, when things don’t seem so calm.

I never thought the 12-Steps would be open to someone like me. Can you access it other ways without taking resources from those who are in more need?

Hoping everyone is having a restful night.

It’s awful being awake during the night when things are tough, it just intensifies everything for me. And the following day gets off to a bad start automatically.

After my son was born, he slept well but I didn’t. I was under the care of a peri-natal Psychiatrist and she prescribed me a travel sickness tablet called Phenergan to help sleep and it really worked. You can buy it over the counter.

Here’s a link to a pdf of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. It’s deliberate that only the first Step mentions alcohol and obviously that doesn’t apply to you but it might be worth having a look. Especially in America there are fellowships for lots of different things but here I know people with success in AA, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous and they all work the 12-Step Programme.

https://www.portlandeyeopener.com/AA-Literature/AA-12-Steps-12-Traditions.pdf

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

It’s awful being awake during the night when things are tough, it just intensifies everything for me. And the following day gets off to a bad start automatically.

After my son was born, he slept well but I didn’t. I was under the care of a peri-natal Psychiatrist and she prescribed me a travel sickness tablet called Phenergan to help sleep and it really worked. You can buy it over the counter.

Here’s a link to a pdf of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. It’s deliberate that only the first Step mentions alcohol and obviously that doesn’t apply to you but it might be worth having a look. Especially in America there are fellowships for lots of different things but here I know people with success in AA, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous and they all work the 12-Step Programme.

https://www.portlandeyeopener.com/AA-Literature/AA-12-Steps-12-Traditions.pdf

It is so reassuring to have someone, or people , even though they are online that understand that things can be tough even though externally it seems that everything should be great (lovely wife, dog that has got me through, house, volunteering job that makes me smile).

My mother told me the other day to pull myself together and not spout “psychology s***” at her when I was trying to explain how I felt.

Thank you so much Lenny. I will spend some time looking into this. I hope things improve for you too xxx