The Depression Thread #2

[Pollyanna263]

No need to read. Just brain dumping my day to try and switch off.

I had therapy this morning. I ended it feeling absolutely exhausted, as if I’d done an EMDR session, which I hadn’t. We’d just talked.
I missed last week at the last minute because of the dog emergency (which is almost better, and easing one weight thank goodness), and I had a hospital appt for my littlest last week (which is a very, very hard place for me to go) so I really needed today.

I’d felt like I was just going over and over the same thing, any question she asked I ended up linking it back to this one part (we’re dealing with PTSD from birth) but at the end she said that I’d done really well. She said I was beginning to process it today.
That’s been such a long time coming. I don’t believe her (of course, stupid brain) but I’m trying to remember that any progress is still progress.

Then this afternoon, I had a GP appointment that I booked weeks ago. Finally got a plan to start reducing my current meds, to swap onto new. My GP is bloody amazing. I was with her about 20 minutes and left feeling like I actually have someone in my corner. Seeing her again in 2 weeks, and have Psych next week.

Feel like I’ve worked hard today! Would love a glass of wine, but am starting reducing meds tonight so think best not!

 

[no-no]

Reet down in the dumps today. I’ve hurt my back and haven't been able to go the gym in days and feel like I’ve lost my only grip on sanity. Unhappy with work, worried about health, tired of my wages being stolen at source for services I cannot access. This country is depressing and my personal woes are not helping matters.

 

[Jadejones9596]

Sorry to post guys but I'm having a really bad day
I had a date yesterday which was disappointing and had to text the guy this morning to say I'm sorry but I'm not feeling it.
Its my mums birthday and with it being the jubilee I've found the pressure to be jolly and happy when I'm having a relapse with my depression so hard.
I feel hopeless and like a total failure for my continued singleness. I feel like the days all stretch out in front of me
I'm not enjoying my job after loving it for thr last 2 years, im just getting no support or lee way considering I had to call the samaritans and breaking down whilst working in February
I miss the guy I was seeing still and I just feel tired and rubbish.
Sorry for all the woe is me talk on what should be a lovely weekend x

 

[Pollyanna263]

I’ve got a leak in my kitchen.
I’ve done what I can to find and fix but I think it’s beyond my (basic) skills.
I’m going to have to call my landlord.
He’s going to come to my house.
My house is a bit of a mess.
It’s not very clean.
It’s not awful but it’s not landlord being here clean. (I have 2 kids and a dog who add to the mess and dirt and don’t really help clean and tidy.)
I’m going to have to clean before I call.
I’m going to use a load of energy I don’t have and burn myself out.
Arghhhhhhhhhh.
I wish my house was more clean and tidy.
Oh and my grass is basically dead and my landlord is sort of precious about the garden (dunno why as he’s never lived here)

(I also still haven’t washed my hair)

No reply needed. Just needed to get it out and think someone here might understand or at least not judge me.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I want to share a positive thing. Yesterday on another thread we were talking about art and galleries, and there was so many interesting conversation that came from it.
I love art, and yesterday I actually felt really excited getting to chat about it with other people. It’s been a while since I’ve felt anything like that, but it was really nice to realise my real-self is still here, and that it’s not all my depressed self.

 

[ilovepizza21]

Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to not be here, doesn’t it.

Recently I’ve heard of a handful of people - friends of friends, not people I directly know - and I’ve found myself thinking ‘I understand how they got to that point’ which in itself scared me, because a few years ago I wouldn’t have had that thought or that understanding.

Polly this is how exactly how I feel. I'm low very low and some people who I have spoken too will often say stop thinking negative think positive and it's such a gut wrenching feeling. I wish I could be positive more then anything I started to when i feel for a guy after being so hurt by my ex now looking in I realise it was years and years of domestic abuse and not really physical but part of me wishes it was because the emotional and mental abuse is far worse to deal with. But turned out the guy manipulated me just like my ex and was si clever with it and i never saw it and was with his wife pretty much the whole time (of course she has taken him back). From as young as I can remember I've be abused all started at school when I was sexually assulted it. Over this last week I've realised how alone I am and when my kids are grown up it be even worse. All I really want it life is too feel loved & wanted and I truly believe I will never ever get that. Honestly tattle is only the thing keeping me going at the moment

 

[Pollyanna263]

@Good Egg you can break the cycle. You’ve taken the first step by sharing how you feel here.

Good luck with appointment booking.
It making the phone call is hard, you might be able to do it online as an econsult and then they will arrange an appointment for a GP to call you xx


Edit to add -

Just saw this elsewhere and thought it was appropriate

 

[Eeyore147]

Does anyone else just wish they could sleep all the time. I hate being awake it’s too painful. Wish I could just sleep all day but I struggle with staying asleep. I only get really bad broken sleep with a few hours here and there

Absolutely wish I could. Quite often do too. I wouldn’t say I sleep, more cat nap, my sleep quality is awful. I put trash on the TV to numb the thoughts and try and ignore my brain.

 

[Ray_of_Sunshine]

I’ve just been diagnosed with type 2 bipolar I didn’t even know this is a thing! Does anyone else have this?

I’m in a really bad place with my mood at the moment. I was doing ok after about February and then June was just a bad month. Started picking up towards the end of last week and then bam woke up Sunday in a dreadful mood again. Ruined my birthday yesterday as I didn’t want to do anything or see anyone so now I’ve upset my mum and dad and subsequently my sister. Kids missed out I just feel like I want to die but I’m also used to it as I’ve felt like this many, many times. I’ve made attempts a few times before but I don’t plan to right now as I write this so that’s a positive.

I’ve suffered with my mental health for years and years and years and got pushed into being diagnosed with post natal depression in 2010 by my then health visitor. It’s then kind of just rolled on and I’ve tried every medication going over the years it’s been a long and hard road and I feel exhausted. I’m currently on 45mg Mirtazapine but am going to be starting Lamotrigine (?) too. I’ll collect the prescription tomorrow. Anyone have any experience with that? Again I’ve never heard of it.

I’m under the care of the Community Mental Health Recovery Service (CMHRS) at the moment and thought I was only going in yesterday for a review of my meds (I almost didn’t bother going!) but then ended up seeing the Psychiatrist who just happened to be free as I was in with another doctor. She brought him into the room I feel quite bewildered if I’m honest. I knew there was more to it and I was misdiagnosed perhaps but now suddenly I have a diagnosis and am starting yet more medication. I’m feeling scared.

 

[Pollyanna263]

My dog is home from her op and she is okay


Biopsy results next week

 

[Pollyanna263]

Just saw this on insta, and it made me laugh so much (as I’m sitting here looking at things I can’t afford and don’t need)

Hope it brings a bit of laughter to some of you. My sharing is absolutely not intended in any other way.

The caption below it might be helpful

 

[Lord Voldemort]

I've been feeling pretty shit lately.
Luckily so far I've been getting support.
Tomorrow I'm seeing the crisis team, they came out today to introduce themselves and seemed very nice. Then seeing a psychiatrist on monday.
I just want to feel a glimmer of hope.
Something to make me want to stay

 

[Pollyanna263]

Anyone else feel like they are just about keeping going, and the next thing that happens will be the one to finally make you crumble?

That’s where I am.

I’ve had a cry this afternoon, but not enough. Bloody meds stop it.

I’m verging on hyper now and it’s because I still need to get my littlest to bed so need to keep going.
The dog has an open wound that I have to keep clean
And I’m exhausted.

Had to cancel therapy this morning too because of the vet.

 

[rainbowlemon]

Maytree | We’re open to suicidal feelings

There's also this website. They were wonderful when I called them last year.

 

[candyland_]

I don’t think many people do enjoy this time of year - social media makes it look like the most amazing time but that’s not most peoples reality.

 

[Jotham]

 

[Pollyanna263]

I'm trying to get an appointment with my gp in regards to finding out of there's currently any funding for counselling.

I'm trying to find joy in the little things, like my favourite TV show, or a sunny day, but it's getting harder.

I have a chronic illness and disability that causes me a great deal of pain and fatigue. Plus there's a lot of stuff going on that is just draining me. I actually pretty much had a breakdown last year but I managed to claw myself back with the help of new antidepressants. There were a lot of reasons for it, including covid meaning a cancelled 20th anniversary trip to LA, my beloved dog of 17 years passing away (and again because of covid I couldn't be at the vet when he passed, only my husband, which I can't forgive myself for) etc. So this year my husband booked for us to go to NYC for our anniversary (and due to my health it takes a lot of planning) but now his dad, who lives with us, is in the hospital with an infection and has told my husband he doesn't want us to go and leave him home alone, in case he gets sick while we're away. He literally said "you've got lots of time to travel when I'm gone". Except I don't know if I do because of my illness and disability, I don't know how my body will hold up and if I'll physically be able to travel. But I'm being made to feel selfish for being upset that the trip has been cancelled and we're never going to go anywhere else for who knows how long.

We never had the chance to travel when we first got married either as my husband was a full time carer for his late mum who had MND. So we didn't even get a honeymoon. Or a wedding, actually, as my husband didn't think it was fair to have a big day that his mum and dad couldn't attend. So we went to the registrary office and came straight home again, no reception or anything.

I love my husband but I just feel like I'm always missing out on things.

I don’t have much to add over what ITT has said, but couldn’t read and run.

You have a lot to manage every day. Read back what you’ve written, and imagine it’s a friend’s situation.
Now imagine how you’d feel for that friend. Probably you might feel worried for them, because they have so much to think about with no respite? Now remember that that’s you, and that you are managing - even if it doesn’t feel like it.

I agree that counselling is a good place to start. You might find that you can self-refer, if you google for your area. For example I’m in Hampshire, and we can self-refer to iTalk without having to wait for the GP. It might be another way in, but I do think you should get a GP appointment, too.

If you’ve been on your current antid for a year, maybe they need a little tweak too just to give you a little more help?

It’s not fair that you have had to cancel your plans. It’s not okay that it’s happened, but us is okay that you feel upset or annoyed about it. Your feelings - no matter what they are - are valid. Don’t forget that.

ITT’s suggestion of some other plans like day trips and meals is a brilliant one. I hope you’re able to try and think about that with your husband.

Keep talking to us

Hi everyone. I’ve been reading for a few pages and you all seem lovely. I don’t know if we can talk about diagnosis or if that is triggering but I did want to ask about medication if that’s ok?
I’ve been on sertraline for around 9 months now, at first after the initial couple of weeks of nausea and dizziness etc make a difference and I was starting to feel more and more like the old me. I still had bad days but I was definitely more in this world.
However, lately, my lack of interest in things has returned. I can sit and watch episode after episode of tv show and not really be watching them but time just disappears. I have little to no interest in household tasks and the disassociation with the world is real.
I have a nearly 3yo and the days that I have her and she’s not at nursery I literally feel like I’m just going through the motions and that is not the mum I wanted to be.
I guess what I’m asking is, will upping my dose of sertraline help me (after speaking to my gp of course), has anyone ever regressed whilst on sertraline or is it worth me discussing other meds?
Sorry for the long post.

Hey

I haven’t been on this thread long but I don’t think there’s any rules about what you can and can’t share. Just pop anything that you think might be upsetting behind a spoiler? Then people can choose whether or when to read.

You have described me. When my 3yo is at the childminder my days just disappear. I have no idea where the hours go.
When he’s home, I struggle to be the mum I want to be.
You aren’t alone, but I bet you’re doing more than you realise.

I am changing meds as the numbness and auto-pilot are probably a result of what I’m on.
It would be worth a conversation with your GP to talk about how you’re feeling, and see if there is something they can suggest. It might be a slight reduction, or a change, rather than an increase as it could be the sertraline suppressing your emotions.

I hadn’t even considered that it was the meds making me feel so flat until the psychiatrist mentioned it.

It’s a horrible way to feel and you don’t have to carry on like this x

 

[no-no]

Do what makes you happy and don’t worry about what anyone else says or thinks.

I love to spend time on my own and have my guard up too but sometimes on a sunny day I can feel my mood drop if I haven’t made any plans but then I saw a TikTok video about it and there was literally 1000s of comments with people saying they had nobody to do anything with but sometimes I can be out all day with people and still feel my mood drop later in the evening. Confusing.

It’s still taboo though, ‘lonerism’ (great album, btw), isn’t it? I think it will change over the next few years and become more normalised. Maybe us loners should reframe ourselves as pioneers

Hope everyone’s had an okay Saturday

 

[Pollyanna263]

I’m weaning my meds ready to swap to different ones. Psychiatrist has overruled GP and insisted I go waaaaaay slower than GP said to.

I’m almost off mirtazapine, that’s been easy as I take it at night, but venlafaxine he wants me to drop by 37.5mg and then maintain that for a month, before doing the same again.
It’s going to take 4 1/2 months to get to 75mg which is when he’s comfortable to introduce Amitriptyline - what I’m swapping to.

I’m only 12 days in to my first ven drop and I feel like shit. Constant headaches, spend the day falling asleep at the drop of a hat, more headaches, shivery and hot, irrational rage.
Oh and did I mention the headaches?

I know why I’m doing this. I know I need to do it. I know it’ll be worth it in the end. But wow, I do not know if I can take this much longer.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I think there are some people who don’t understand the difference between feeling a bit down, and actually suffering from depression. When I don’t have depression I can easily cheer myself up, see things in a positive way etc, but just now I literally can’t, it’s how I know it’s genuinely an illness.