The Depression Thread #2

[newaccount2022]

Hi everyone and thanks for making a new thread. I just joined the last thread towards the end.

I wanted to say I empathise and understand everyone who has chimed in about lack of money/time. If I had the resources to help myself I would, I would love to be happy and present and 'normal'. But like you have all said, bills have to be paid. You have to work 8-6, there's no counselling appointments in the evening and work won't let you take off early every week. We are not celebrities who can check into a rehab facility with a coastal view.

I don't know what countries you all are from but I know for my country they say 'reach out' and 'tell someone' well it's very hard to get a doctors appointment and impossible to find a psychologist after work or at weekends. I have worked all my life full time, always paid my taxes, got a degree, never done anything wrong my whole life... I half looked at my options to see if I could leave my job to help myself and when I tried to query any short term dole payment/disability/mental health support I was chastised on the phone. You're not unwell enough until you've killed yourself. And then they say 'I wish she had spoken up'.

 

[MillionDollarBaby]

Beautiful flowers Pol!
I’m doing ok, not great, but ok is better than bad.

Work has been a pretty big trigger of some horrific anxiety lately but I had a long chat with my boss the other day and he’s been slowly moving me away from some projects cause he wants me to take the lead on something big coming up. In my head I was about to lose my job cause more and more things were being taken away from me.

My head then tells me if I don’t have my job they’ll take my LO away. Same reason I didn’t tell anyone about my PND, I was convinced they’d take her away.

Stupid bloody brains being nasty to us and telling us lies. It’s so unfair.

 

[Eeyore147]

I spend like crazy when I’m upset/very low.. I’m usually great with money and love saving and being on budget. But I get in these moods where I just lose control, I just love spending

Spending is a big warning sign for me too. Once my MH goes out of control my spending is very extreme. I often have no recollection of it either, just get random parcels turning up!

 

[Silver Linings]

I wish you felt better than that Silver. I know that even “one half an hour at a time-ing it“ is an achievement though, it’s not as easy as people realise. You are worth it though x

As are you, my friend. x

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

Hi everyone, I am wondering if any of you can help me.

I booked an appointment with the doctors tomorrow to discuss my mental health. I am terrified. Not sure why really, I think cause I'm scared of a lot of things. I have been suffering really badly with depression and anxiety the last few months and it all came to head last week. Does anyone have any advice on what to say to the doctor, medication? I think the depression is causing my eating issues too so I am mindful of that.

sorry this has been nonsensical. I just don't know what to say

Massive well done for booking the appointment. That’s a huge step.

If you find it easier to write it down, you could do that and ask them to read it?

What would you want them to know when you walk back out of the appointment at the end? x

 

[Pollyanna263]

Oh, let us know how she is, sending hugs x

Thank you

I’m back home now, had to leave her there for sedation. I know she’ll be fine but every time she has an anaesthetic I worry so much. She’s had various injuries and she has hip problems so she’s had a lot of anaesthetics for both injury repairs and for X-ray and MRI.

*talking about injury / infection so don’t read if squeamish*

This time, she had a lump appear from nowhere on her chest at the end of last week. It was under the skin, she was happy for me to touch it. It moved around a bit and was huge - almost tennis balls size.

Spoke to vet and they were comfortable to leave it over the weekend and so I was booked for this Thursday morning.

Overnight last night it’s burst the skin and been bleeding.

Fab vets have seen us straight away, she thinks it’s an abscess which has burst.

I’m so relieved as the dog had a tumour on her leg 2 years ago, I was terrified it was a recurrence.

Vet tried to drain it with dog awake but it was clearly hurting so they’ve kept her in to sedate and do it properly.

She’s an anxious ex-rescue who really hates being there, so they’ve had to give her something to try and calm her down as she won’t be done until this afternoon as they’re so busy

 

[#botsforlife]

I am so glad you have your kids. They sound truly special.

Thank you. They sure are, they are my life.

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

Those flowers really are stunning Red roses are my favourite. You know I'd never think of just buying myself flowers! Must endeavour to do that someday.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Thank you guys xx

Remember we are here. But if you want to hide that is fine too. The pressure of posting is hard too xxx

(I don’t know if that comes across right, but sometimes when it really is that bad, my phone is an added stressor with emails, SM etc so I ignore it for a while which obviously doesn’t help but ).

 

[Maid22]

I’ve seen a lot of your posts on various threads and I always enjoy reading them.

I have a notebook that I write stuff down, which I think helps. And it doesn’t matter what it reads like because it’s just for me. But if I’m not having a bad day then I don’t write anything, whereas it would benefit me to go back and read the more positive stuff too.

I know you from cc thread, your posts make me laugh! I enjoy coming on here, it's like an escapism from rl crap
I tried to write my thoughts down before, but when I looked back on them, I think god, I was in a really bad place and try hard not to go back there

 

[newaccount2022]

Has anyone ever been out in a pub and a man introduces himself or makes eye contact and hellos with every girl at the table except you.

I just feel so disgusting and repulsive. I don’t know what else I can do to make myself more attractive. I know that’s not what life is all about but it fucking hurts.

 

[LaBlonde]

Been feeling utterly miserable, for many reasons, and I said to my husband today that I was looking forward to feeling a bit stronger so I could put the Christmas tree up and cheer myself up.

Then I see a post by a friend on Facebook:

"Its been a LONG time since I felt like bricking someones windows....but a fukking XMAS TREE on the 9th of November!! Some people are C**TS"

Made me feel like utter shite for even thinking about it.

your friend’s post is incredibly OTT just for the mere sight of a christmas tree tbh.

if it’s going to make you happy then do it! i love seeing christmas trees, they just inspire such joy and i love walking into my living room and seeing mine up, you might have inspired me to get it out of the attic

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

View attachment 1247905

This is exactly it. Thank you for sharing. I find it impossible most of the time but I know I need to keep trying because constantly resisting it in my head is causing me so much pain. I think it’s going to be a lifelong attempt. I like how the message is also about agency and changing what you can in yourself!

Spoiler: I love being able to do spoilers - me-rail

I will say that my medication has recently started (I think) to help a bit with the constant noise in my head about how lonely I am and how it’s not fair (which I know is very childish) and how I’ve failed at life because I don’t have my own family (not saying that’s what I’d think of anyone else - I reserve all my judgement and ire just for myself, naturally!).

However, early this morning I was walking to get a coffee and happened to come up on a man being dropped off by a taxi obviously off a long flight. He wheeled his case to his front door and it opened and a little boy excitedly yelled “Dad!!!” And I looked in for a split second and saw the boy and his beaming mum, and everyone looked so happy, and I saw a glimpse of what looked like a beautiful home and family.

And I cried! Like a total weirdo. It was such a lovely moment to witness. But at the same time I just felt so utterly bereft and achingly lonely. I was walking alone. I woke up alone and I’ll go to bed alone. It’s so painful.

Anyway - all that to say, thank god for anti depressants, for this thread, and for all of you. Being an adult is hard. I have job interview prep to do today so that will give me something to focus on.

Anyone else go through such low periods that they just think nothing is worth it/they won’t carry on much longer so you start spending loads of money…

This really resonated. I have realised recently how much I “comfort spend”. I’m not even working at the moment so I really shouldn’t be. I always think that new clothes will solve everything but then I feel bad and panic that I’m spending too much.

 

[bcfc999]

I'm meant to be travelling 4 hours for a long weekend with one friend to see another and I don't think I can face it. I'm mentally exhausted and I feel like I'm barely dragging myself through the days. But then there's a voice in my head saying this is why I'm miserable and can't maintain connections with people because I'm not right and I can't just suck it up and go and have a nice time on a trip. I wish I was a normal person.

 

[LaBlonde]

i am in an ocd spiral right now. won’t say exactly about what in case it triggers some peoples’ contamination fears but i wish that my ocd brain listened to the actual logical part of my brain that’s saying “no, look at all the evidence, you don’t have [thing]”. drives me crazy

 

[parrot456]

Wow guys thank you so much for all your helpful comments.

Unfortunately my partner isn't a consistent in my life as he works away all week so it's just me & my 3 year old son who I really struggle with if I'm honest.
When he was born I had post partum depression & psychosis. But that's a totally different chapter in my life.

Just right now I'm not in a good place mentally & needed to wrote my feelings down.

I hate that my son & partner aren't enough sometimes but I guess that's just how my brain works....

No disrespect at all! I love my partner & son very much but its a very different type of love.

Thank you everyone x



Can totally relate to this!
I recently went to a funeral of an old work friend. After the ceremony we went to the local pub for a couple of drinks. There was 10+ people there all of which I knew but it took me a good day to recover!
I felt physically exhausted from being around people for that time.



There are alot of venlafaxine support groups both on fb & reddit if you need abit of a pick me up.

I'm also on venlafaxine & dread the day I may need to come off it.

Hope you're holding up okay xx

@Fillyfox I am ready sorry to hear you are feeling like this… I totally understand where you are coming from though. I am sorry to hear about your beautiful horse… animals bring us so much comfort, love us unconditionally and see the absolute worst and best of us and hold no judgment. Spend loads of time with her/him and treasure those moments… I feel the same way with my little doggie, sometimes I wonder how I will cope when she passes. I know for my mental well-being animals always help… so I know for sure I will get another pet, however this does not mean I will be replacing her or forgetting her. I feel like I’m rambling now, but I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling…. Reach out to your GP/Psychiatrist/etc. tell them it’s urgent. I am changing over meds and starting new counselling at the moment … one step at a time xxxx

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Sometimes I think the pain of loneliness will kill me. Most days I can barely breathe.

It’s so so hard isn’t it. We don’t talk enough about how emotional pain can affect you so much physically, it’s exhausting. I have no advice, I want to say that others feel like you do. Which sucks.

Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way x

 

[CrackRatcher]

Iv suffered depression for a long time I have 2 children who aren’t far of been teenager and I’m pregnant with number 3 but I’m also single, I find myself having frequent breakdowns questions if I’m a bad person, would this baby be better of with a different parent and do my children hate me because I yell all the time for them to clean their rooms which then leads to them calling my mum and making out I’m a big monster I feel awful I just feel like my mental health and my personality is ruining my children’s lives and they’ll grow to hate me

 

[Mysteryy]

Hi everyone,

First time poster so hopefully I'm doing this correctly.

My boyfriend of 2 years who is severely depressed has broken up with me this week. I'm not sure what I'm looking for writing this but it may be cathartic to just type it out. He stopped seeing a therapist last year as his therapist left and he never got reassigned (through the public system). Contacting the office and/or GP was too much for him no matter how much I encouraged it. He said that he feels so unhappy all the time and that there's nothing that can help. He explained that he was a bad partner and couldn't give me the time, attention and engagement that I deserve. And although that may be true sometimes I was still incredibly happy with him and I feel completely broken.

I can't imagine not being with him. The day after we broke up I stayed with a friend and he rang me in tears apologising for hurting me and was talking about harming himself. I panicked and rang two friends to check on him as I was a bit further away. We also work together and he completely defines himself by his work. He has been under severe pressure recently and I can't remember a day in the last 2/3 months when he hasn't worked (including weekends). I always tried to be supportive and had meals ready and cleaned to house etc. to try and ease some pressure which I didn't mind doing. He said this week that the more nice things I did the more guilty he feels. I feel like there's no winning.

I am completely lost and love him so much. He is the most kind, gentle and caring person.

Thank you to anyone that reads this

So sorry you're both going through such a difficult time. Depression affects self esteem so much that it sounds like he seems to think he's doing you a favour to end the relationship rather than burdening you. It doesn't sound like his decision to end the relationship has come from a bad place but rather trying to protect you. Is he receiving any support for his depression?

 

[Pollyanna263]

Oh yes I keep alot inside in my head I know no one really cares. I know people say they do but hand on my heart I know that's not true. All the meds ive tried they just dont work they make me feel numb and i don't want to feel any more numb then i do. I love these threads too

I’m supposed to be changing meds, I’ve seen a new psychiatrist who thinks what I’m on is causing me to be so numb to everything.

It’s worth trying something different if you feel able. I have no side effects currently (except the numbness and inability to cry!)