Anxiety
It’s is the worst feeling... along with intrusive thoughts
I never feel normal. My brain is my own worst enemy. Some days are good others are bad. Sometimes I want to lie in bed all day. Sometimes I don’t even wash or get dressed for the day.
I feel suffocated, I feel unloved, I feel as if I disappeared nobody would notice or care.
I grew up being scared of the world and now I can’t make sense of the world around me? Everything is scary. I cannot trust anyone - not really. I have so much love to give yet none in return.
Has anybody found meds has helped them or not really? I had CBT and talking therapy which didn’t really help and I’ve been on sertraline and citalipram in the past. I just don’t want to rely on meds to keep me afloat. They do help but the side effects are awful. I wonder if a action plan would help me?
I need to lose weight. I comfort eat a lot - I’ve put on I’d say about three stone since my last break down. Eating cannot tell me I’m no good, Eating makes me feel better, like a security blanket, eat gives me pleasure and satisfaction. I’d think nothing of driving to McDonald’s and ordering three or four breakfast meals and stuffing my face back at home.
I think my overeating may be a way to self harm? Like it’s secret, nobody sees me eat ever, it’s all done behind closed doors...
I’m not sure how to overcome all this to be honest.
Anybody unfortunately in a similar situation?
I could have written your entire post. Every single word.
I take meds, and I do truly believe that they are helping me to function - even if only at a basic level. It took me a few different ones to find what worked (any SSRI I tried was all side effects and no actual benefit) but now they allow me to be good enough to parent and to get through the day.
In the end I’ve ended up on an SNRI (venlafaxine), then Mirtazapine was added at night, and most recently quetiapine morning and night. The quetiapine has actually had the best effect I think.
I am about to change from the ven and mirt to Amitriptyline on the advice of my psychiatrist, as he thinks the ven is suppressing everything to much (I don’t feel
anything - just like I’m on constant auto pilot, and that’s causing the trauma therapy to be impossible to work through) and the mirt doesn’t actually help my sleep but has caused weight gain which then makes me feel crap.
That’s a really long way of saying - if you feel able to try meds again, it is worth sticking with it and trying a different type, or seeing if two different kinds work together for you.
Eating - I have only recently realised that I use food as a control without knowing it. It’s a learned behaviour from my mum.
I either don’t eat, or I over-eat the wrong things.
I don’t have any answers, but I try and divert myself to occupy my mind and hands if I feel able to, rather than allowing the excessive eating.
It’s so hard, though, when it’s subconscious and you don’t realise until you’re in the midst of it.
I tell myself that at least it’s food and not drink / drugs / physically harming myself… this is possibly not the way to think though!
Do you feel able to book a GP appointment?
That’s a really good and brave first step.
You could write down what you want to say, or even screen shot or print your post here and show them that so you don’t have to think what to say.
Otherwise, are you able to self-refer for therapy in your area?
You sound like you’re ready to try and seek help. Taking that step is hard, and brave
Hope the meeting today goes as well as possible.
in my defence, they were from eBay at least!
But there’s always someone around x