The Depression Thread #2

[FlipFlop0706]

Thought I’d update you all. So I managed to submit my dissertation on time this morning! I did the best I could given my mh. It’s not going to pass (that’s not me being all depressive, merely factual as I looked and its not going to meet the pass criteria) but I’m really proud of myself for just submitting given I just wanted to give it all up a few weeks ago.

I’ve tried my best and that’s all I can do. At least I’ve submitted something and it’s out of my head at the very least.

 

[Good Egg]

Anxiety
It’s is the worst feeling... along with intrusive thoughts
I never feel normal. My brain is my own worst enemy. Some days are good others are bad. Sometimes I want to lie in bed all day. Sometimes I don’t even wash or get dressed for the day.

I feel suffocated, I feel unloved, I feel as if I disappeared nobody would notice or care.

I grew up being scared of the world and now I can’t make sense of the world around me? Everything is scary. I cannot trust anyone - not really. I have so much love to give yet none in return.

Has anybody found meds has helped them or not really? I had CBT and talking therapy which didn’t really help and I’ve been on sertraline and citalipram in the past. I just don’t want to rely on meds to keep me afloat. They do help but the side effects are awful. I wonder if a action plan would help me?

I need to lose weight. I comfort eat a lot - I’ve put on I’d say about three stone since my last break down. Eating cannot tell me I’m no good, Eating makes me feel better, like a security blanket, eat gives me pleasure and satisfaction. I’d think nothing of driving to McDonald’s and ordering three or four breakfast meals and stuffing my face back at home.
I think my overeating may be a way to self harm? Like it’s secret, nobody sees me eat ever, it’s all done behind closed doors...

I’m not sure how to overcome all this to be honest.

Anybody unfortunately in a similar situation?

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Just wanted to do a Sunday night check in to remind us all that we’re stronger than we give ourselves credit for and I hope you all have a good week.

@Rodneytrotter and @newaccount2022 - good luck in your new jobs! Can’t believe you’re moving in from Trotters International Trading Rodders!

@Into_the_tunnel I’ve seen bigger sparks of your wit in this weekends posts, you’ve had me hooting. As have you @Sideboard Bob. I don’t know about anyone else but when I see posters here on other threads, I feel a bit ‘safer’. Sounds a bit naff actually, I don’t think I’m explaining it well at all! I feel comfortable sharing here and just because I join in other threads, it doesn’t mean everything is great and you lovely people get that

 

[Pollyanna263]

My favourite form of self-care

 

[Maid22]

I love it here too, I can chat shit about TV programmes, but I can also spill my guts on how I'm feeling, which I can't do in rl life. Been a tough weekend, we've rehomed pup, fate stepped in and he's gone to a really lovely home, but I feel like a failure, I miss him loads, but my other dog is so much happier, he's lying next to me in bed now, it wasn't meant to be

 

[Princess of Scots]

Just dropping by with a rather heavy introduction.

Does anyone else struggle with having any zest for life? I'm getting treated for depression but honestly the antidepressants don't work. I feel no difference. I've been on 3 of them but they just make me feel empty. The more I explain to my GP the more I get started on new tablets or increased dosage, and the more I feel empty and grey.

Therapy doesn't work either. I just don't click with basic NHS CBT.

I have nothing in life that piques my interest. Nothing is enjoyable. I've stopped socialising and going out apart from work, watching TV, listening to music I once loved, eating snacks I previously liked, and just generally doing things I previously enjoyed.

I constantly feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Anytime I push myself out I'm just left thinking, why am I here? I feel like I can't get fully involved when I'm out. It's like I'm just watching from the sidelines.

It's so difficult to find a career I will love because I am passionate about nothing. I enjoy nothing. Nothing gives me pleasure. Life to me is very grey.

Everything in my life is going wrong. I've failed out of uni twice despite being an A/B grade student at school. I've spent years in dead end jobs with no progression. I'm actually embarrassed at how little I've achieved since I left school. All I've achieved is my driving licence but that's hardly an achievement because it's so common. Everyone around me seems to be living their best lives, graduating, travelling, getting well paid jobs, their own flats, in happy relationships with partners.

I'm working a shit, dead end job where the owner speaks to me like shit and I'm super overworked. I seem to get rostered for 6 days weeks every second or third week.

All my achievements, if you can call it one, is holding down a job that fucks me around and having enough money to afford to run a car.

I'm 22 but I feel like I'm in arrested development and I can't get out. I feel trapped.

 

[Pollyanna263]

 

[Agent Cooper]

Sending a big hug to those who might need it this evening.

Huge hug back to you

Trying to hold it all together today at work. Not long got in. Had a long shower- a cry.

The anxiety has been bad this weekend. I don’t know why or how. Always there, like an inner voice that won’t leave me alone.

I’ve been working on eating better but then I overeat. Been trying to drink more water.

Tomorrow is a new day

Aww work can be hard! Sending you my very best wishes, I hope tomorrow is better for you

Love to everyone. It’s lovely to know we’re all here rooting for each other.

We’ve got some amazing people here!

 

[Scottishfalpal1]

Really glad I have found this thread. I have suffered with depression I think most of my life but only recently had a diagnosis. In March this year i moved to London but the job I had really damaged my mental health meaning I had to leave a good paid job to basically nothing. I wasn’t lucky to find anything else suitable enough and had to move back to Scotland with my parents on October, I then fell and broke my back to now leave me skint, in constant pain and nothing to look forward to. I’m scared to get back to work as I want the pain getting too much and I also am desperate to get back tp London ASAP and would rather find work there than here. In December I had suicidal thoughts wanting to overdose but then didn’t want to be sick so talked my way out of it. I don’t self harm physically but I do overeat especially on my rubbish days

 

[Pollyanna263]

I try to always have flowers, but I haven’t had any for over a week and so this afternoon I went to Tesco just to get some.
(It also means I go into a shop, which I have to make myself do because otherwise I just wouldn’t)

It’s truly my absolute favourite self-care. And that’s what it is. I don’t look at it as a treat, I look at is as a necessity to give me something beautiful to look at if I need grounding.

I only ever usually buy the £3 roses and £3 freesias, or the £5 rainbow tulips, and they always last well over a week, so I figure that’s better than a bottle of wine or a load of chocolate! (I might buy that too but shh)
The act of going and choosing the ones I want on that day makes my brain focus for a few minutes, too, and shuts out all the other noise for a little while.

I recommend it to you all, buy yourself the damn flowers

Trying to hold it all together today at work. Not long got in. Had a long shower- a cry.

The anxiety has been bad this weekend. I don’t know why or how. Always there, like an inner voice that won’t leave me alone.

I’ve been working on eating better but then I overeat. Been trying to drink more water.

Tomorrow is a new day

@Good Egg hope the anxiety from the weekend has settled a little? Well done on the shower, that can feel impossible sometimes.

——

I'm having a real stressfull time at the moment, which I know will end up with me being bad, I don't know what to do about it, it's so frustrating, I'm still in bed, my head is mashed. Hoping to speak to someone later to get their take on the situation, but at this moment I just want to crawl away and hide.
Hugs to you all on here x

@Maid22 how are you doing? Did you manage to speak with someone? Share your stresses here, if it will help

——

Best of luck with therapy xx

My husband is taking his dad BACK to the hospital again as he's not happy with him - this is the 3rd time in a month

@Fanny Muchmore hope your FIL is okay? So much on your shoulders with no break for you
From your earlier post - I hadn’t heard of sound healing, it looks fab. So pleased you liked it.

——

@or JusRollWithIt & @MillionDollarBaby I see you on the other thread but hope you’re okay

 

[Eeyore147]

Lots of love and hugs, Sideboard Bob. We're here if you need us.

Had a bit of a fight with my O/H today about how far I've let some things slide, but he doesn't seem to understand that when you have depression you just don't care anymore. He said to me "I know you're *R word* but I'm starting to think you're REALLY *R word*" (I suspect I may be on the Autism spectrum but doubt there's much point getting tested at my age).

He knows I'm waiting for therapy as well.

I’m so sorry he said that. I was diagnosed ASD as an adult. So if you think you will get something out the diagnosis then push for assessment. It was my Psychiatrist who wanted me assessing.

And I hear you! Even getting out of bed is a struggle with depression never mind actually keeping on top of things.

Sending

Keep the social side of your life going or you'll end up agoraphobic like me and find it difficult to leave the house

Another agoraphobic here. I try so hard to leave the house occasionally with support but it never ends well. Even the enclosed back garden to get to the bin is impossible some days! My home is definitely my safe place. Lockdowns made it much easier to not go out too so put my exposure therapy even further behind. Lots of Love

 

[Pollyanna263]

Hope everyone is managing to stay afloat


I have therapy soon. Managed to email her yesterday and tell her I’m really not okay…
So am really anxious about this morning.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Hi all, I’ve not been posting much here, but I really do hope everyone is as ok as can be.
Sometimes unsolicited advice, however well meaning, can be a bit much.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

thank you for the new thread @Penguin86

Spoiler: Self harm thoughts

I still feel like hurting myself, every day. It’s become so normal to me, it just feels like an itch. I feel so annoyed with myself, then my brain automatically thinks imagine stabbing yourself or breaking your own arm.

I’ve just got used to it now but it’s not normal is it.

I would never act on it, I tie myself up in knots and get exhausted trying not to, but I know I never would.

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

… in case the neighbours thought 'what a weirdo' not going out again ....

Just saying hello as a fellow worrier about what my neighbours think of me. There is a certain type of person that over the years I’ve kind of internalised the (presumed) views of, and now automatically care what they think. Even if I don’t hold them in particularly high regard. I guess it’s just internalising British classism. I hate it and I have to try really hard to change my thoughts when I feel it.

I feel that way on sunny weekend days too. In my head, everyone is out being sociable and confident and happy. And I don’t even remotely get FOMO, I’m happy at home, but I feel like there’s something wrong with me for not being like everyone else. Again, that’s the automatic thought, and I don’t really even believe it, but the thought is there before I realise. These days I notice when I’m doing it and try to stop, but it’s a real effort sometimes.

Enough about me though. I guess the common theme of this thread is that in our own ways and to our own extents, we all have to work that bit harder than others to get through. And I resent that sometimes, despite knowing that there’s nothing good down that path.

First time posting on this thread, but I really just need to offload. Today is the first time in days I’ve actually managed to make it downstairs. My mood is so low I literally feel dead inside. Haven’t even got the energy to phone my CPN as just don’t know what to say to her. Even physically talking is just so much effort. I suffer with EUPD with Depression & Anxiety. I don’t even have any tears left to cry.

sorry, I don’t need any replies and I know there are many more in worse situations than me but sending you all love

As a starting point I wanted to say a big well done for getting downstairs! I know it won’t make you suddenly feel better, but I think you’ll look back and be proud that you were determined and kept going when things were so dark. And that’s worth something I think. Sending love to you and everyone for an OK-ish day today.

 

[Maid22]

I don’t want to put a downer on this thread but I’m struggling so much. I want to sleep for eternity and wake up in a new life. I’ve always had anxiety since a small child and periods of good times and extremely low and scary times. I have OCD and GAD.

Since lockdown I haven’t seen a single person socially.

I find it too exhausting. I do work so I do get out of the house.

I just struggle each day. I wake up, And wish I could go straight back to bed. Sometimes I do go back to sleep during the day. Nothing fills me with joy anymore, nothing seems worthwhile.

I had a bereavement five years ago that devestated me. Our family wasn’t allowed to attend the funeral due to toxic family members. I feel I haven’t been able to grieve. I do not know where the final resting place is.

I moved several times and miss my old place dearly. I moved too soon not thinking clearly due to loss. I’m not happy where I am but cannot move again out of fear of making the wrong move.

Life just doesn’t feel worthwhile. I sit here now and think if I wasn’t here nobody would care or notice. My own family members are toxic and I have zero support. Nobody really understands it?

I can relate soo much to you, my family are toxic, haven't spoken to them for 11 years they've never really given a shit about me.
I can go week's without leaving my house or seeing anyone apart from my oh, if he wasn't here, I'd have literally no one, I could die tomorrow and no one would notice for ages. So you're not alone, there are folks like you out there, it's bleddy tough sometimes, and having anxiety and depression doesn't help at all, sending you hugs x

 

[Dexterina12]

I’m in a really bad way today. Feel like this is going to just be my life from now on. I’ve been in a mentally abusive relationship for 7 years. I’ve left twice and gone back. My little boy has autism but he is so so amazing but i feel like I’m being taught a lesson or something? Hope everyone is having a good day xx

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

Hope everyone is ok, Christmas can be so hard for a lot of us. You aren’t alone

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

I feel so lost
I’ve never known what I wanted to do with my life (I’m over 40)
I hate my job
I’m so stuck because i’m on my own with a mortgage and bills to pay so I can’t just quit and get something else. I need the salary I’m on to live. I’d be no better off selling my house, I’d pay more in rent than I would my current mortgage.
It’s just getting harder and harder to cope x

 

[Pollyanna263]