The Depression Thread #2

[JCMSadie]

I didn't know this thread was a thing. I suppose it shows my state of mind when I'm putting depression in a Tattle search

Been medicated on/off since 20. Now 38 and been on meds since 2017. Done counselling, CBT, life coaching and now IPT.

I'm the worst I've ever been.

I quit my job a few weeks ago. Stupid, cos I'm a single mum x3, with a mortgage. But I just can't function any more. I'm an actual slug. I've put on so much weight, my house is a shit tip, I don't even want to do anything. I hate being here.

I have no idea why I'm posting this. Just everything is shit.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I feel worse than I think I’ve ever done. I feel like I can’t feel the way I do because I participate in threads, crack silly jokes and overuse gifs…but there’s something in that that makes me forget for a little bit.

I’m starting to despair about how I feel. I’m completely trapped. We are in a situation that I don’t want us to be in, I can’t accept we’re in it and can’t see how it can ever be positive. Celebrating small ‘victories’ now doesn’t even seem worth celebrating.

Work was always the place I felt in control and that I actually had even a small idea of what I was doing. Now it makes me feel like I’m drowning.

Spoiler: Thoughts of Suicide

Not a day goes by where I don’t feel like suicide is a viable option. I just don’t feel like I contribute to anything. My son doesn’t like me (he is Autistic/GDD). He’s fine when it’s just me and him but as soon as my husband is there, my son literally pushes me out the room. I don’t get affection from my husband or son and I just feel like an overweight, middle aged waste of oxygen.)

I have a telephone appointment with the Psychiatrist who oversees my care on Tuesday but there’s nothing he can do for me really. Why does life have to be so hard? Not just for me, for all of us. We all have things that have impacted on our life that we need to process and deal with and depression just makes it harder. I don’t understand what the point is.

Oh Lenny. You’re such a considerate and thoughtful person, I wish you could be like that towards yourself. It’s easier said than done though, and this stupid illness makes it so hard.
I know I don’t really “know” you, but I know you well enough to know that I really like you. I’m so glad you’re here. Please keep talking to us if it helps, you’re not on your own, we’ve got your back x

 

[Good Egg]

Trying to hold it all together today at work. Not long got in. Had a long shower- a cry.

The anxiety has been bad this weekend. I don’t know why or how. Always there, like an inner voice that won’t leave me alone.

I’ve been working on eating better but then I overeat. Been trying to drink more water.

Tomorrow is a new day

 

[watermelon sugar]

Hi, I hope it’s ok to join in. I’m feeling very sad & low today. I’ve got BPD and always had a little bit of depression & anxiety, always normal for me to go and have my phases where I’m completely down and can’t cope and have a really bad depressive episode. I feel like I’m entering one now. I feel so alone. I had a miscarriage two days ago and I’m still basically in the process and in a lot of pain. Obviously I know the grief comes alongside it and that could be what I’m feeling but I just feel empty and depressed. I just don’t want to move. I just don’t want to think or feel anything. I look out the window and see all these people moving about and talking and I just can’t even imagine just going back to normal. I’m still in my pyjamas and I just don’t want to shower. I don’t want to tidy up. Then I feel anxious cos I’m not tidying up or having a shower. I’ve not brushed my hair. I just feel empty inside and so alone, and I know with my post it probs sounds completely normal for what I’m feeling like to be happening to someone who’s gone through what I have but I genuinely don’t see a way out of this and I just feel depressed

I am rambling a bit now and sorry if my post is upsetting and thanks for reading my ramble if you’ve got this far x

 

[candyland_]

This one hit differently today.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I just want to pop in and send big hugs to everyone on here. I think feeling down can be particularly hard when SM is bombarding us with images of people living up summer, their holidays etc.

In terms of washing, it was the biggest bone of contention when I was at my worst. Each day ended with an argument about whether I had washed, changed, cleaned. After a few days I was forced into the shower (always at night with the light off). The cycle then started again.

I also want to express my sadness at how posters can come in and tell people to “shake their life up”. If it was that easy, would we be here? Would we be cycling through different drugs trying just to get through each day? Would a science teacher be so out of it with their desperate thoughts that they set their microwave on fire but really DGAS? How many of us have (or had- in my case for the first ) successful careers, happy family lives, friends? Depression isn’t here because we choose to ruminate. It strikes without warning for numerous reasons and it can lift (or not) without warning for numerous reasons.

Sorry to go on- you are all so strong.

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

I'm trying to get an appointment with my gp in regards to finding out of there's currently any funding for counselling.

I'm trying to find joy in the little things, like my favourite TV show, or a sunny day, but it's getting harder.

I have a chronic illness and disability that causes me a great deal of pain and fatigue. Plus there's a lot of stuff going on that is just draining me. I actually pretty much had a breakdown last year but I managed to claw myself back with the help of new antidepressants. There were a lot of reasons for it, including covid meaning a cancelled 20th anniversary trip to LA, my beloved dog of 17 years passing away (and again because of covid I couldn't be at the vet when he passed, only my husband, which I can't forgive myself for) etc. So this year my husband booked for us to go to NYC for our anniversary (and due to my health it takes a lot of planning) but now his dad, who lives with us, is in the hospital with an infection and has told my husband he doesn't want us to go and leave him home alone, in case he gets sick while we're away. He literally said "you've got lots of time to travel when I'm gone". Except I don't know if I do because of my illness and disability, I don't know how my body will hold up and if I'll physically be able to travel. But I'm being made to feel selfish for being upset that the trip has been cancelled and we're never going to go anywhere else for who knows how long.

We never had the chance to travel when we first got married either as my husband was a full time carer for his late mum who had MND. So we didn't even get a honeymoon. Or a wedding, actually, as my husband didn't think it was fair to have a big day that his mum and dad couldn't attend. So we went to the registrary office and came straight home again, no reception or anything.

I love my husband but I just feel like I'm always missing out on things.

 

[Elliesmum13]

I’m so low. Been this way for a while now. On the strongest amount of anti deps I can take. Doctor doesn’t want to change them as I’m very low/suicide. I have no friends, not one. No family at all. I go weeks without talking to another human being. I’ve been in bed since Wed night. Just sleeping on and off. I honestly feel like my soul is dying and my body is playing catch up.

 

[Squittel]

I can’t comprehend that anyone could care about me or that it would make a difference to anyone if I wasn’t here. It’s not that I think people would be better off without me, I just feel like it wouldn’t make a difference. I don’t make a positive impact on anyone nor a negative one. I think even my husband and 3 year old would forget about me in a few days.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I hope it is ok to post here. You said it was open to all with MH issues.

I did suffer with depression after a really awful bout of cluster headaches which together caused me to leave work permanently and isolate myself from everything.

However, my LT issues surround eating and excessive exercise but the ED thread is really triggering and makes me want to restrict. I just want to echo those of you who say that we don’t feel worth the money to heal. We were going to spend it, but then the energy crisis hit and we can’t. I am in an endless loop of shame. I know the only way to mend is through therapy. I cannot do this alone. Is the rest of life going to be filled with constant internal arguments?

Sorry for a slight derail. Please let me know if you want me to hightail it to another thread.

 

[#botsforlife]

I don’t have any real good friends that check up on me. I am so lonely. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this. I just wish people would care about me. My kids are my life and they are the ones that keep me here.

 

[Kelmum]

Wow thank you everyone I never expected the gorgeous messages and hearts it honestly really touched me.I have had a good week as in I’ve kept myself busy and I have registered to a bereavement site that was sent to me, I had some hi lights put in my hair and brought a couple of items of clothes so I feel like me again. I truly felt so much better after writing on here so thank god for these forums and I have made myself go for a walk, I just don’t like my new normal but I know I have to get on with it . I was talking to a dear neighbour about my husbands passing and she actually said to me “ after a death of a loved one you have two choices you either go one way or another” and that she was “ proud of me going on the right way “ I never thought about that comment until recently and now I know she meant that I hadn’t hit the bottle or just given up and today I’m proud of me too. Once again thank you for the love and advice and I will get through this I promise I will

 

[Jadejones9596]

Morning
Hope you’re all ok
I’m not feeling great at all right now. I’ve made massive strides with my depression lately and got so much better.
Then last night I stumbled. I’ve just found a really great friend who I was looking forward to being single with, a friend to go on holiday, to party with and guess what… she’s bloody met someone!!! I’m always the single one! Whenever I get close to someone they meet a guy. Never happens to me though. Single for 11 years!
I massively reverted back to my depression bad habits, the skin on my fingers is raw and I cried myself to sleep. I think I was feeling so hopeful about 2023 and the fact I had a friend to do fun stuff with and now that’s gone.
I also hate my job and I’m knackered.
Sometimes I just want to be with my lovely nana who passed away a few years ago. Being here is rubbish

 

[mochibean]

I am so tired, can't stop sleeping and eating crap. I feel so down I've been trying to run from this inevitable depression and I've burnt myself out whilst doing so.

 

[newaccount2022]

Anyone else go through such low periods that they just think nothing is worth it/they won’t carry on much longer so you start spending loads of money.. I’ve taken thousands out of my savings since February, it’s the worst I’ve ever been. Then you’re left with so little it reinforces your belief that you shouldn’t go on… ugh I always ignore it during the week but then when I’m alone all weekend with nothing else to do/think about it hits me what I’ve done…

 

[altgirl]

Does anyone think depression has just ruined their lives? It’s always there in the background and one little slip and it all comes tumbling back down and I’m reminded that I’ll never be rid of it so what’s the point in trying to be happy?

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Sending a big hug to those who might need it this evening.

 

[ATV2021]

I don't know if its anxiety or depression, or a bit of both now but today got bad enough I've had to take a diazepam. I've been feeling over anxious for a few weeks and I don't know why but when I do my grief comes back up along with the panic that goes with it (I.e I'm gonna lose my job, thus my house and ill be homeless because I've got no family left to fall back on). I decided to go out last night with a friend, get out the house etc as anxiety keeps me hiding away and was talking to a friends ex (and literally talking about her to him as wasn't a bad breakup and I knew nobody else there so if thats a come on...then im baffled) but anyway I got started on for it by some other man there, saying I had to leave him alone/shut my legs etc and I'm not nor have ever been that kinda girl....and someone else joined in and I was literally like....wtf have I done, why did I come out so today I'm an absolute wreck (was bullied for years so it's triggered that - hence the diazepam). I know I need to speak to my GP tomorrow, I already had a call booked with a local wellbeing service but I'm worried its getting so bad and I have nobody I can talk to. Do I give out "low confidence" vibes that make me a target all the time? I'm not a horrible person. I'm not a "slut"....like I've literally not been with anyone for over 12 months nor attempted to. I just don't get why it's me and I feel so low (lower than I already was). I should probably get signed off work but I'm at a stage where I want to sell my house and move far away but that's running away from something I've not done. I just feel so low. So alone. So down and anxious, a bit "whats the point".

ETA. Sorry to be a downer. I hope I've not triggered anyone I just have nowhere else to turn

 

[Eeyore147]

First time posting on this thread, but I really just need to offload. Today is the first time in days I’ve actually managed to make it downstairs. My mood is so low I literally feel dead inside. Haven’t even got the energy to phone my CPN as just don’t know what to say to her. Even physically talking is just so much effort. I suffer with EUPD with Depression & Anxiety. I don’t even have any tears left to cry.

sorry, I don’t need any replies and I know there are many more in worse situations than me but sending you all love

 

[Maid22]

I'm having a real stressfull time at the moment, which I know will end up with me being bad, I don't know what to do about it, it's so frustrating, I'm still in bed, my head is mashed. Hoping to speak to someone later to get their take on the situation, but at this moment I just want to crawl away and hide.
Hugs to you all on here x