The Depression Thread #2

[nimblefimble]

Hi all hope everyone is well. I’m finally settled on some medication and it seems to be starting to make a bit of a difference, like the clouds are starting to lift. But I’m really struggling with some people in my life (some family and friends) being against me taking medicagion , saying stuff like have you tried exercise or your not ill enough to be taking that. It’s making me doubt myself, am I not trying hard enough? Am I not I’ll enough, do I not deserve this medication? Its making me feel a bit crap about myself and I just don’t know what to say back to these people to help them understand, or if I even want to bother

 

[barmcake]

I’m not particularly active on TL - I lurk and read rather than post (I’m shy even on the internet ). But this thread seems so supportive and like a safe space, I thought I’d dip my toes in.
I’ve struggled with depression (and other MH issues) for years, but it’s got so much worse since the pandemic. My living situation is less than ideal (understatement of the century) and that’s a massive contributing factor, but I’m stuck here for now.

Currently reducing my dose of venlafaxine to go back on to sertraline. It reduced my appetite loads and I didn’t feel myself when I was on the higher dose. I was on sertraline for 3 years and felt like it had stopped working, but I’d pick that over how I’ve been feeling on venlafaxine any day.

i might do a more detailed post later. This is just to say hi and try to get over my anxiety about posting but I hope Monday is kind to you all. Take it as easy as you can

So glad you posted. I'm unable to stop Venlafaxine due to withdrawal symptoms, so will continue. Sertraline sounds better for you. Was reading coroners' reports and something called Agmatine Sulphate was found to be missing in suicidal brains. I read reports out of interest - I know how to have a good time! Am sleeping better after 3 weeks, so who knows. The people on this thread are always kind and compassionate so keep posting. xx

 

[pecan]

Hi everyone I’m glad I found this thread in my insomnia-driven tattle scrolling. It’s bittersweet though. Nice to find people who ‘know what it’s like’ but sad that so many of us are dealing with various struggles. I just wrote a whole comment and it descended into a pity-party vent so I deleted it. It’s so hard when there’s nowhere to turn, nobody to talk to and seemingly nowhere to get help. Lately I’ve been thinking that if it wasn’t for my partner, there would be no point. Sometimes I still feel like there’s no point. I don’t tell him this. It’s painfully lonely.

Wishing inner peace for you all 🤍

 

[Penguin86]

I am clearing my bedroom out because in my deep depression stage I just do not give a fuck and let things pile and pile. You know like those people you see who get trapped behind mountains of stuff - I feel like that would be me.

 

[Pollyanna263]

I know how you are feeling, and how you must be dreading it. Do you use anything to distract/ground yourself in these situations? I have discreet fiddle things that I focus on.
Just take it one step at a time, can you leave a bit earlier so you can rest and re-focus after the drive? Do you know others there that can support you?
I hope that you do have a wonderful evening xxx

Thank you x
Yes I have something but I won’t have a pocket which is where I usually keep it! So I’m wearing a necklace, it’s a locket with photos of my boys in, and I can hold it if I need grounding.

I know her dad well, and I’m actually driving him there, but not really beyond that. It’s mostly her husband’s friends, and people from their work.

I’ve just got to the hotel (just a holiday inn) and wow - a tidy bedroom!

@Pollyanna263 totally understand, I'm such a recluse, I hardly ever leave the house, good on you for going, really hope you have a lovely time.

Thank you xxx
I’m worried I’ve pushed myself too far but we will see

I am clearing my bedroom out because in my deep depression stage I just do not give a fuck and let things pile and pile. You know like those people you see who get trapped behind mountains of stuff - I feel like that would be me.

Hello my name is (not) Polly and I too am a messy depressive

Oh thanks, no worries. I'm not used to talking about anything relating to depression in regards to myself, so I'm a bit unsure about how to phrase things to explain myself. It's really difficult to explain. I know what I mean in my head, though

Don’t worry at all about that.
I would say that, on this thread, we are all very understanding of words tumbling out in a muddle or our brains not quite being able to make sense of what we’re trying to say

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Maybe your medication needs tweaked if it's not working so well anymore?

Sending love and hugs.

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’m definitely in the ‘sod the bank holidays’ camp! I’ve had a few but instead of making me feel merry, alcohol made me so much more miserable. Being myself, I am just wallowing in this misery and purposefully making myself feel worse. I really wish I had someone who would tell me to stop.

 

[Maid22]

Oh thanks, no worries. I'm not used to talking about anything relating to depression in regards to myself, so I'm a bit unsure about how to phrase things to explain myself. It's really difficult to explain. I know what I mean in my head, though

I also find it hard to explain how I'm feeling, it comes out in a jumbled mess most of the time! We've all been there, and we all understand on this thread, so say whatever you want.

 

[Pollyanna263]

I’m a spender too. I’m deep in it at the moment

 

[Eeyore147]

Thank you so so much. I truly mean that.

I’ve not been commenting much as trying to deal with my own head but I do try and read. Just go hour by hour Xxx

 

[newaccount2022]

Went to meet some friends from an old job and their partners. Lasted one drink/an hour and walked home in a daze at half 8. I think I need to come to terms with the fact alcohol does not agree with me anymore. I feel like I could’ve walked out of that pub and straight into the ocean and nobody would notice for days. I feel so low and so distant from everyone. In bed now but going to try and eat something and read a bit of my book.

 

[Maid22]

I’m so sorry to hear that. It definitely makes sense though, I do that a lot more than I should.

Are you sure you’re well enough to deal with it? If you feel you are, then it’s great, and it’s worth trying. But you really have to be careful with yourself. Having a few bad weeks can really take it out of you xx

Tbh, abit like most of us on here, sometimes you have to muddle through, interesting post on here earlier, how do you function with everyday life, we just do, unless we hit that low where you don't give a fuck anymore, that's why I didn't like that comment on here, that attitude of 'just getting on with it, or pull your socks up (that's such an old saying, but one I've had alot!) All I can I say is come and live in my head for a week, then maybe you'll get it!

 

[Eeyore147]

I hope everyone managed some sleep. I think I got 3 hours in the end. Insomnia sucks! But at least I’ve managed to get the washing done and hung up before 7am! Wishing you all a peaceful Sunday

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Oh, your message made me tear up. I had to go out to the shop and do my “job”, but .

Sometimes everything does feel really heavy, the guilt for not doing what I was meant to be doing in life spreads everywhere. It is the realisation that life will no longer be what it was. It is the constant battle not to go back into old habits. This place has honestly been my lifeline to social connection and it has been months to accept that too. That lives change, that the ways we socially interact change, that our expectations of where we would be change if things come along to radically alter our MH (and physical health).

If you rate the book, I will definitely get it, she seems really good from what I have now looked at on Instagram.

Thank you for accepting me here and for letting me speak.

That’s given me an incentive to get cracking - I may not think I’m worthy of happiness but you certainly are so I’ll read it and give an honest account.

I often turn to Tattle for escapism. The anonymity gives me confidence to be myself and without that I would lurk and if I did that, I’d miss out on the community of the threads I follow.

It’s hard when we have a projection for our lives and it doesn’t go to plan. It’s hard not to feel angry and disappointed and cheated. I hope it’s ok to share this here. Our Health Visitor told me about it as I thought I was going to Italy but went to Holland instead. I’m still not always ok with being in Holland, I still wish I could have gone to Italy and I definitely miss out on the beauty and fabulousness of Holland because of how I feel. It’s about having an ASN child but I think it could apply to other situations (interchangeable. A bit like herbs):

 

[newaccount2022]

Starting a new job next Thursday and I’m in such a low rut... Really hoping it breaks a bit before then.

I’m trying to keep a sleep routine and sit outside in the sun as much as possible but I just feel like I’m sinking constantly.

does anyone else just dream of winning the lotto and living a simple life forever

 

[Pollyanna263]

Why are other people so LOUD!

 

[no-no]

I get this all the time. I don't think some people understand how nice it is to be with your own company. I could happily spend the entire weekend by myself!

I'm a recluse, never used to be, was always out at weekends etc, but having so called friends who really treated me badly, I'd rather stay home with my dog! Don't pretend, be you, if you need time out, everyone who's out doing stuff at the weekend, I can guarantee most of them aren't enjoying it.

I’m glad you can relate and I appreciate introverts will love their own company to recharge, but most still seem to at least be in a relationship/have families. I grew up in a lot of chaos which fed into relationships so now I seek out ‘mundane’ stuff and solo activities. I have zero intention of changing my routine any time soon. The hope is if I get myself more secure in certain areas I’ll open up better avenues when I feel like building relationships instead of doing it now and wasting time on bad eggs. Trying to remind myself that placing value on societal expectations is part of people-pleasing behaviours (something I’m working on).

 

[Pollyanna263]

Hello all I hope you're all okay
I would wanted to come on here because I feel like I need to voice some things that are weighing heavy on my mind and hopefully feel better for doing so.
I am currently 6 months pregnant and I am finding it very hard these last few weeks, I am signed off work due to very painful pelvic girdle pain and awaiting a review from the doctors to see what/if they can do or if I am ok to go back to work with changed duties.
I feel very sad a lot of the time at the moment and I couldn't explain why. On paper I have no reason to be sad I have a lovely house, good job, loving fiancé and crackpot animals that make me laugh, but I just feel so overwhelmed with life and the pregnancy it's becoming hard for me to process.
Everyone expects you to be a glowing bundle of joy when pregnant (I'm not!! I'm still spotty tired and the odd sickness!) And everyone keeps asking me if I'm crying with happiness over my growing bump (I'm not, I'm finding it very hard to adjust to a changing body I have no control of and I HATE it when people keep telling me how big I am, it isn't a compliment)
Maybe I am just having a bad few weeks but the only way I can describe how I feel is the feeling of being overwhelmed and everyone tells me how I SHOULD feel and how I shouldn't be sad because I'm carrying a blessing.
Sorry for the rant I just needed to air my thoughts x

Hi lovely, I tried to reply yesterday but couldn’t get my brain working. Now this has ended up too long, I’m sorry! But I want to say it all


The way you are feeling isn’t unusual, but it’s also not something you have to just deal with.
As already mentioned, antenatal depression is a real consideration. It’s so much more common than we realise, and it’s never discussed which is frankly dangerous.

To give you some reassurance (and I’m making assumptions here based on my own experience, so please forgive me if I’m way off) I didn’t say anything to my midwife when I felt that overwhelming sadness in my pregnancy. I told myself things like ‘you have nothing to be sad about, don’t be silly’ or ‘you and baby are both well, this is ridiculous, just snap out of it’

I also had an irrational but very loud worry that, by admitting that I wasn’t okay and asking for help, I might somehow be flagged as a mum who wouldn’t cope with her baby.
I was truly terrified that I might have my baby removed from my care when he was born, or that I might be watched closely or something.

This worry, I have since discovered, is also so common - but it was irrational and completely unfounded.
It turns out that if I’d asked for help, if I’d been honest with myself and others, I would have been scooped up by the perinatal MH team who are the best people to help us cope and find ways to feel better.
There is no way my baby (or older child) would have been removed. I wish someone had told me that at the time, because then I would have been brave and been honest.

The other thing I found hard was when I saw my midwife, she just said something like ‘everything’s going well then?’ but it was a statement rather than a question, and it made it impossible for me to say actually no, it’s not okay, I’m falling apart and I don’t know how to glue myself back together!

If you aren’t sure how to approach it, do you have your MW’s mobile number? If so you could possibly text her before your appointment.

The best way, though, would be to tell your GP when your sick note is reviewed today, because that will then give you more space from work while you focus on you.

‘the feeling of being overwhelmed and everyone tells me how I SHOULD feel’
- this jumped out at me from your post. Please know that there is no ‘should’ in any of this.

Two opposite feelings can co-exist -
You can be happy and thankful to be pregnant and you can find it overwhelming.
You can have a wonderful and supportive partner, a home and security and you can feel alone, overwhelmed and scared.

One thing doesn’t negate the other. They are both valid, but the worrying ones don’t have to take over. There is so much help for you.

I hope you feel able to be honest today with the GP. I know how hard that first step is.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

@Into_the_tunnel I had some unexpected free time today so I decided to start reading ‘Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before’ by Dr Julie Smith. My preference was to scroll through Tattle - something I identified in what I read as something that numbs how I feel and gives me a short-term change of mood but I went for the book instead.

It’s really easy to read and I read the first section and made some notes etc within about an hour and a half. It reminded me of things I’d learned from my AA sponsor (we’re not responsible for our thoughts but we are responsible for how we deal with them) and gratitude lists but it also gives quite easy to read scenarios. There’s a good chapter about getting the basics right and she uses the analogy of a football team not playing any defenders and how susceptible they’d be to teams who would never have a hope of beating them - if we aren’t sleeping, eating well, looking after ourselves then we’ve not got our basics covered.

I have the book (£7.99 from Amazon) and my husband has the audio book, which he prefers.

@Pollyanna263 I’ve had three nights of 75mg of Amitriptylene and I feel like I’ve had good sleeps. It’s coincided with my son sleeping through the night though so I don’t know if it would have any impact on whether I could hear him.

Love to everyone

Finding some aspects on here tough, reinfection of covid tough so sorry for delayed reply. As soon as I can I think I will go and get this. I am pretty sure I have Waterstones points.

Like you, I need to focus my mind on challenges and this seems like a good one. It is so easy to fall back into those bad ways. I know that the basics are required, that a shower and a good meal will stop later destructive behaviours but the later behaviours are like a hug, you know they are they for comfort later on.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. It is really hard. Seeing all the families being super happy on SM, seeing people on here being (in my critical and probably wrong mind) hypocritical and tell the threadees to get off SM and be present. My thing is to try to do what you makes you and those around you the happiest because that is the most precious thing.

 

[Puppys]

I feel worse than I think I’ve ever done. I feel like I can’t feel the way I do because I participate in threads, crack silly jokes and overuse gifs…but there’s something in that that makes me forget for a little bit.

I’m starting to despair about how I feel. I’m completely trapped. We are in a situation that I don’t want us to be in, I can’t accept we’re in it and can’t see how it can ever be positive. Celebrating small ‘victories’ now doesn’t even seem worth celebrating.

Work was always the place I felt in control and that I actually had even a small idea of what I was doing. Now it makes me feel like I’m drowning.

Spoiler: Thoughts of Suicide

Not a day goes by where I don’t feel like suicide is a viable option. I just don’t feel like I contribute to anything. My son doesn’t like me (he is Autistic/GDD). He’s fine when it’s just me and him but as soon as my husband is there, my son literally pushes me out the room. I don’t get affection from my husband or son and I just feel like an overweight, middle aged waste of oxygen.)

I have a telephone appointment with the Psychiatrist who oversees my care on Tuesday but there’s nothing he can do for me really. Why does life have to be so hard? Not just for me, for all of us. We all have things that have impacted on our life that we need to process and deal with and depression just makes it harder. I don’t understand what the point is.

I'm so sorry your feeling like this sending lots of love to you

I can’t comprehend that anyone could care about me or that it would make a difference to anyone if I wasn’t here. It’s not that I think people would be better off without me, I just feel like it wouldn’t make a difference. I don’t make a positive impact on anyone nor a negative one. I think even my husband and 3 year old would forget about me in a few days.

I'm certain they wouldn't xx