The Depression Thread #2

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

Hi guys I’m sorry for posting on here you seem to all know each other and I’m sorry if you would prefer me to post elsewhere. I know I am going to end things soon and I feel like I am too scared to jump or OD incase I wake up. The other alternative: I’m not sure how to do it. I am worried I will do it wrong. Anyway I’m not sure why I’m writing this but i can’t find anything online for tips on how to be successful. Xx

I don’t post in here much as I never know how to write it all down but I always come and read everyone’s posts. I just wanted to say, I’m in the exact same headspace as you. The things you have written I could have written. I just wanted to post to let you know there is someone else feeling this way and you’re not alone in your feelings. It’s very scary I know. I hope things can get better for us

 

[ermwhaaaat]

first time poster on this thread! 4 weeks ago tonight, i overdosed. not so much to end my life, but to just shut off and be able to sleep. since then it’s been a wild ride, doctors appointments, blood tests, tablets, questions and a lot of tears. i’m currently on 200 Sertraline which doesn’t seem to be touching the sides, given sleeping tablets to take when i don’t have to get up with baby but they don’t work at all and i’m up and down, have a constant feeling something bad is going to happen and tonight is a great big down.

somehow still going to work in the afternoons and my little girl is keeping me sane in the days, honestly she is the reason i’m still here but the nights are something else.

was on mirtazapine years ago and that seemed to help better but unable to take now as scared i wouldn’t wake up if my lo did and the weight gain, jesus never again!

got another doctors review next week, anyone got any suggestions? currently in my weighted blanket just to try have a little let up!

 

[candyland_]

I finally feel like the clouds have lifted for me. I didn’t realise how I had stopped doing everything I enjoyed until I came out of the other side.

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

I wish I could give you a big hug 🫂

 

[Pollyanna263]

Will catch up shortly but just wanted to say hi and hope everyone managed some rest overnight.

I’ve got an emergency vet appointment for my dog at 9. I’m trying to stay calm but not managing it. She is so important in my life, I cannot cope with the possibility that she’s not okay.

 

[instasham13]

I am having a really hard time at work just now (NHS) forgot 2 things this week (not major or life threatening) and I feel absoloutely suicidal about it. I was pulled up about it infront of the new start which is just so embarrassing and demoralising. I already feel badly enough about it.

I also just can't seem to cope well with any negativity at all. I could do my job right 99x and the one time I don't I will beat myself up so much, recluse into myself, worry I will loose my job, over think what loosing my job would mean in terms of paying bills. I'm not coping well at all. Nursing and the NHS has made me change as a person and become a shell of my former self. You also need a thick skin for all the bitching and back stabbing which I just don't have.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

It’s awful being awake during the night when things are tough, it just intensifies everything for me. And the following day gets off to a bad start automatically.

After my son was born, he slept well but I didn’t. I was under the care of a peri-natal Psychiatrist and she prescribed me a travel sickness tablet called Phenergan to help sleep and it really worked. You can buy it over the counter.

Here’s a link to a pdf of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. It’s deliberate that only the first Step mentions alcohol and obviously that doesn’t apply to you but it might be worth having a look. Especially in America there are fellowships for lots of different things but here I know people with success in AA, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous and they all work the 12-Step Programme.

https://www.portlandeyeopener.com/AA-Literature/AA-12-Steps-12-Traditions.pdf

It is so reassuring to have someone, or people , even though they are online that understand that things can be tough even though externally it seems that everything should be great (lovely wife, dog that has got me through, house, volunteering job that makes me smile).

My mother told me the other day to pull myself together and not spout “psychology s***” at her when I was trying to explain how I felt.

Thank you so much Lenny. I will spend some time looking into this. I hope things improve for you too xxx

 

[ilovepizza21]

First time posting on this thread, but I really just need to offload. Today is the first time in days I’ve actually managed to make it downstairs. My mood is so low I literally feel dead inside. Haven’t even got the energy to phone my CPN as just don’t know what to say to her. Even physically talking is just so much effort. I suffer with EUPD with Depression & Anxiety. I don’t even have any tears left to cry.

sorry, I don’t need any replies and I know there are many more in worse situations than me but sending you all love

Never ever feel your problem is any less of what someone else's is. Sending you hugs

 

[bcfc999]

Hi guys. I don't think I've ever posted here but just needed to put this somewhere.

Spoiler: Self harm thoughts

I'm having a really shit time with my mental health right now and I literally feel like im hanging by a thread. Everyone thinks the last time I self harmed was soooo long ago, like 5 years plus, but I think it was 2 years ago maybe? Or less. I don't know. Long enough ago that I'm not quite sure, but the urge is always there when I feel at breaking point, and I guess it always will be. I think i probably seem fine because I can put a face on it for the most part and act upbeat but the second I have to have a real conversation about my feelings I'm in tears.

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

Hi lovelies, hope everyone is managing somehow to keep going despite the shit days.

I haven’t posted much on here under this name but did under @Pollyanna263
Long story but had to start a new account, and was avoiding posting on here for various reasons. Have given myself a talking to and am trying to engage here a bit more as the lovely people here definitely helped me feel less alone

I’ve finally after much longer than anticipated swapped from Venlafaxine to Amitriptyline and am on day 5 of no ven plus 100mg amitrip. Bloody hell it’s a shit mix of withdrawal and new side effects

Has anyone here taken Amitriptyline? I’m struggling from early afternoon and I’m trying to work out if it’s the Amitrip wearing off, as I’m taking it at night - so logically I’m thinking by this time of day when I’m feeling spaced out / headache / blurred vision / increased heart rate it might be that wearing off?

Just hoping to sense check with anyone else that might have experienced the same - or with a different tricyclic antid.

Sorry for the long post

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Polly this is how exactly how I feel. I'm low very low and some people who I have spoken too will often say stop thinking negative think positive and it's such a gut wrenching feeling. I wish I could be positive more then anything I started to when i feel for a guy after being so hurt by my ex now looking in I realise it was years and years of domestic abuse and not really physical but part of me wishes it was because the emotional and mental abuse is far worse to deal with. But turned out the guy manipulated me just like my ex and was si clever with it and i never saw it and was with his wife pretty much the whole time (of course she has taken him back). From as young as I can remember I've be abused all started at school when I was sexually assulted it. Over this last week I've realised how alone I am and when my kids are grown up it be even worse. All I really want it life is too feel loved & wanted and I truly believe I will never ever get that. Honestly tattle is only the thing keeping me going at the moment

Ugh, people who say “there’s always a positive!” can get in the bin! Maybe there is for them but just because things work for me, I wouldn’t foist my views on them!

I’m sorry you’ve had such a rubbish time. You’ve been through so much. I don’t have any advice really but there are a few of us who have said the same thing about Tattle - considering we’re all meant to be nasty, I find this a safe, honest space. You don’t know what’s round the corner but I totally understand that feeling that it’s not going to be any better. It might be worth speaking to someone and taking time to work on you - I’m wondering if you feel responsible for things that others have done to you in some way and carry other people’s shame around with you (apologies if I’ve got that wrong).

People who can manipulate people with ease are normally quite good at sussing when someone is vulnerable - that’s not your fault.

You haven’t said how old your kids are but it sounds far enough away that if you take one day at a time, things will look different to you by then

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I can’t sleep. I just find it so hard to keep on top of things in life, and I just keep screwing things up.

I just want to get help, I hate having to wait so long. It makes me feel so lonely, because people I know don’t understand that being depressed just makes things so hard, and it’s like theres no space in your brain to think about anything.

 

[Pollyanna263]

It's not just you. I haven't washed my hair in ages. I forced myself to brush it today.

Well done

I did the same yesterday. Told myself it was a step towards washing it. It had been up in a high bun for so bloody long… took forever.

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

Thank you guys xx

 

[Blue Rose]

So a while ago I mentioned joining a society at university to try and make some friends which I did. I went to two sessions and although haven’t exactly made friends with everyone, felt welcomed. The other week I was at placement and too tired to go so skipped it but then I caught covid so couldn’t go last week either. I’ve just turned up today and there’s none here. I am a little early but I’m worried it might be cancelled and I’ve just traveled here for no reason. It says on the website it’s on but I don’t know if the heads of society actually update that or whether it’s just automatically set up to say that every week. There’s no other way I can see whether sessions are on and I don’t know what to do. I feel so embarrassed. I just wanted to interact with someone other than my parents.

 

[Eeyore147]

Hope everyone managed some rest and Monday is a better day

 

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

Absolutely wish I could. Quite often do too. I wouldn’t say I sleep, more cat nap, my sleep quality is awful. I put trash on the TV to numb the thoughts and try and ignore my brain.

Yeah I do this too. I usually put on something I’ve seen before so I don’t have to concentrate on it

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

Could you put your place up for sale, get out of the mortgage, use the money to take a break from work and rethink what you want to do next??

I’d have nowhere to go and couldn’t afford to rent where I live I’m just totally stuck. I wish I could afford to just get a job in boots, or on a reception etc where there would be much less stress and I didn’t have to think about how much work I’ve got to do day and night x

 

[Agent Cooper]

Just needed to post as I'm feeling quite down today.

I have food poisoning and haven't eaten or slept in 2 days. Constantly sick and feel awful. I've literally just recovered from tonsillitis. I'm also having a hard time with a guy I'm talking with setting a date to meet up.

I see people on Instagram looking gorgeous, on beautiful holidays and looking loved up with their men who love them and it gets me so down. Here I am, ill again, can't even get a first date and I'm pretty sure I have vomit in my hair

Sorry to offload but had to let it out, im really struggling xx

I’m sorry to hear that. It’s natural to feel down when you are unwell, but please remember that Instagram only shows you a pretty picture, not the actual state of things. It’s just a slice of people’s life that they carefully curated and willingly made public. It doesn’t mean then don’t have their own problems or never get ill. Wishing you a speedy recovery!

 

[MillionDollarBaby]

New account for anonymity. Pity party time. I think I've suffered from depression since my early teens, now nearing 40 I've been to ashamed to admit it. I was the main carer for my older brother and father growing up from around the age of 11 to 23. My mother also suffered from depression because of caring for my father. Money was also tight. I missed out on so much growing up, going out with friends, going on holidays, generally just keeping up. I was overweight and just shut myself off because girls my age were so nasty.

This was all while my other 2 siblings were enjoying life and sharing very little responsibility for the situation at home. Maybe that was their escape.

Both my brother and father passed away, thinking of their lives and what they suffered, my brother his whole life - 25 years and my father 10 years - depresses me even more. Both my mother and father suffered very hard lives.

I often feel like there's no point in anything, just plodding along in life and everything is so very pointless. I married a man (arranged - was given an ultimatum) who used me for a visa. He's always been manipulative. Whole marriage has just been secrets and lies. He even had an affair while I was pregnant with my youngest.

He was recently away for a few months and I was alone with the kids and actually for the first time in my marriage, 18 years felt like I could breath.

Everybody is so happy in their lives, moving forward. I can't muster the energy to get out of bed. I do it, plod along with the daily routine.

Everybody including my family are so quick to pick me and decisions apart any chance they get. I truly feel broken and beyond repair. I feel like I have achieved nothing in life. I've never gotten anything I've wanted and I have tried, tried so hard but now I've just given up.

Welcome. Firstly, you have not achieved nothing in life. You have welcomed new life into the world and nurtured it in the form of your children, you also cared for you father and brother when they needed you the most. Feeling like this does not take any of that away from you.
Would you feel able to speak to your GP? Get yourself on the pathway to help. Perhaps even some medication to take the edge off of your feelings whilst you work on everything else?
Alternatively, I’m not sure where you are in the world but would you be able to self refer to your local mental health team?
Your mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. You wouldn’t hide a broken arm for all these years and not ask for help to fix it.
We are all behind you xx